to want dh to give up.....

[JimJammum]

...playing cricket?
It takes most of the day one day per weekend. For away games he often leaves around 11am and gets in after 9pm. I don't therefore eat dinner until he gets in. DS is now 3 and does not get to see a huge amount of him during the week, as often he can only get home from work as ds is going to bed. DS is loving spending more time with DH at the moment, and will miss him dreadfully. However, I do not want to push DH into giving up when he enjoys it, it's excercise after a stressful week and he enjoys the social aspect.
It's not really feasible to watch the match as it's too long, and ds just keeps wanting to run on the pitch and play too.

Its a tricky one. YANBU to want him not to play. YABU if you tell him not to.

Ideally he'd sit it out for a year or two but it might not work this way - he might lose his place in the team or get out of practice, not sure how it works.

Is there balance within the family unit on the weekend, i.e do you get time to yourself too, does he spend time alone with DS? Maybe you'd be able to stomach it better if he took DS swimming on the morning of the other day of the weekend and out to lunch giving you some time to pursue something you want to do, and spending good quality time alone with DS, to balance things up a bit?

YANBU, well I don't think so. DH gave up football at weekends (Saturday games, you know the kind of thing) and he was actually really good at it as well, because we're having our first baby. He came to the conclusion on his own that family time comes first, and if he wants to keep fit then he can carry on using the gym at work, and for the social aspect... well you take it in turns, don't you?
When's your social time with your friends? Do you have the time to get out to a fitness class during the week? What would he say if you got him to look after your DC on his own all day Sunday whilst you went out and did something for yourself?

YANBU.My DH used to play cricket before we had the children. So did all of his friends. A few continued, but the vast majority took time off. Those that continued have wives that aren't happy with it.

Its a very sociable sport, could he catch up with friends and excercise in a less regular sport? Does he or any of his friends play golf? Maybe he could do this once a month or something instead.

I really empathise with your situation, its half the weekend every weekend of the sunny summer months, which are magical times. Maybe you could talk about some of the things you'd like to be able to do if there was a bit more time at the weekend, eg trips to the beach, adventure park etc taht you'd like him to share in.

Actually I think YABU

come along go to the sports club with ds there is often a huge social circle around the golf club get involved.

take up a hobby of your own and expect dh to be home on that weekday to look after ds..

my dh leaves home at 7 am in the morning returns around 9-10 in the evening Mon to Fri I still encourage him to have a hobby he needs to relax and veg out after a hard working week. I also expect him to take an active part of childcare..

and so he doesnt come home until 9 make a meal stick his plate into the fridge to heat up and enjoy a dinner with your ds

JimJam - does he give you an equal number of whole days off to do what you want?

Maybe you can put it like this. You both need take out from DCs and work and you expect him to keep his side of the bargain if he wants to ocntinue playing. Maybe when he sees how much time it adds up to he will make the decision himself.

Tricky. I can understand your frustration, but dictating what your DH does in his free time is always going to cause problems. How does he feel about the amount of time he spends with the children? I'd start by discussing that. Does HE feel like he's missing out?

DH has cut down on the number of weekends he spends climbing drastically since Tiny Clanger came along, but his friends are mostly in the same position as him, so it isn't as much of a problem socially. He did take up golf for a while, and I would definitely NOT recommend you steer him that way. Golf expands to fill the time available and seems to have a bit of an anti-family, anti-partner, all-boys-together vibe that isn't nice.

Agree with Lonnie

you have my sympathy! Playing cricket takes sooo much time. But at least he's not sat at home playing video games all day & night!

It's certainly not very family friendly - might be a situation where you do your own thing with DS (why should your weekends revolve around his hobby too) & hope DH will realise what he is missing out on by having such a time consuming hobby. On the other weekend day (the non-cricket one) I would insist DH has responsibility for DS as they need time together and you can have a break (or do something together as a family).

YANBU

Looking after your DS is both parents' responsibility at the weekend. Therefore if he's expecting you to have sole care for half the weekend, he ought to ask you, as a favour, if you mind. Clearly you do mind. (Also of course it would be nice if he wanted to spend that time with his DS).

On the other hand, if you ask him to give up, he and many others may see you as the evil controlling wife .

How about the guilt trip strategy... "Oh DS was asking where you were today, he wanted to play with you"... etc?

tough one. I can see both sides. In a way, its not fair to ask him to give it up. My DH loves biking, at one point he was going out every spare second which was just too much with me looking after 4 kids. In the end we sat and talked about it and he agreed that he would cut it down a bit, he didn't really realise what he was doing. I even won a really expensive mountain bike, and we started going out biking together!! (til i got pregnant again but we will start doing that again when babys out!!) He still goes biking on his own, in fact, he has gone today, but thats fine cos I am busy decorating anyway and I've stuck some lamb in the slow cooker so whatever time he comes home, we can eat.

I think you need to find a happy compromise somewhere along the line if it is upsetting you that much. But at the end of the day, everyone needs an interest outside of work and home and its not like he is doing it every single night either. At least he isn't going out getting drunk all weekend, thats what I say about my DH!

I agree with Lonnie.

thesmallclanger - thats interesting, thats not my experience of golf at all. What I find good about it is exactly that it expands to fill the time available, ie. you can play 9 holes or 18, at a time you choose, with the regularity you choose, as opposed to cricket, which is every Saturday all day for 6 months.

Its not as good for family socialising, but DH does take DS to the driving range for an hour or so if he wants the odd quick practice.

did he play pre you?

My DH gave up football first and then cricket after the 3rd child came along, but to be honest it was more through age and injury.
I actually used to enjoy going along to watch on a nice day, there was usually a park and some of the pitches were in lovely cotswolds villages. I used to drive seperately and meet for lunch, stay for the afternoon then take the children home for dinner.
Why do you wait for him to eat, just eat with the children.
I wish my DH didn't give up really as we now have 2 boys who love cricket and would enjoy going to watch, my husbands social life has dwindled as well.
I would never insist he gave it up but I would ask that he only stay for 1 after match drink so you can spend a bit of time together.

YABU - The exercise, relaxation and social interaction he gets doing that is important for his health and wellbeing, without those things years will be slashed off his life expectency.

my hubby has a football season ticket,and plays cricket.
so often weekends are spent with him absent for one day, he also does a weekend away once a year , playing cricket.

he has tried to get me involved, but i find the other selection of woman a bit clicky, and i have little in common with them. most of them understand the actual game itself, and i just cant get to grips with it.
and watching both teams, wearing the same clothes , from a distance ...........i cant tell what going on.

i just clap when the others do.

i also have to do at least one cricket tea a year. which can be a pain.

can get competative......

so i dont go, sometimes the kids go and play with other older , bored kids.......

and i just get on with things at home.

i also have no guilt at spending a little more on myself, as i have only got to the stage when i can leave the children and pursue interests of my own.

during winter months, evening cricket net practice goes on,.....and mid week footy at times.

so, i just dont think of him being around, and when he is at home, i dont change my plans, so that he is alone and everyone else is doing something. after all, why should we change our plans , simply because he is at home. why should he dictate 'family time' when it suits him?

been a bug bear of our whole married life, and occasionally he has cancelled his sport stuff, when he realises that he is becoming a absent father!

but on a matter of point, i never ask him to change his plans, and he is surprised when used to make childcare arrangements without checking that he was home...........and i just point to the calender.....and ask why would i expect him to be here?

ooh, am getting angry , just thinking about it!

For cricket I would just go with him (at least to the at home games), but I quite enjoy watching cricket - take along a book and a packed lunch?

This is what we do for DH when he is playing rugby. I bail if I get a better offer or the weather is rubbish though.

Dh captained a cricket team when I first met him and I would never see him on Sats.
He then gave that up and concentrated on golf- plays Sat and Sun am till about 1.30, and a few times in the week.
Now he has taking up sailing- next thing-wait for it- flying.
Oh and about 6 cricket matches in the summer.
And cycling.
I don't mind as he works from home and is always around when the dcs come home from school, and in the morning- and he does lots of things with them.
I also make sure I get my own time off.
And as others have said- better than sitting on arse all the time on the computer, or drinking.

I've had some great family days out at cricket.
You don't actually have to watch it.
Just a picnic, some toys, we even had a paddling pool with us a few times, the children running about. And maybe your own transport if you want to leave earlier.

Yanbu. I don't think it is unreasonable for husbands to have hobbies, but cricket takes so darned long.

DH became involved with cricket 2 summers ago when DS was 2. He didn't realise it was an all day thing, got a few frosty stares when he said that he had to get home for 7pm because I was babysitting through our circle.

To his credit he decided to play once a month only and then wasn't picked for many matches because he wasn't able to commit.

It didn't bother him to be left out, although he enjoys his hobbies, he would rather have ones which took up less time whilst DS is young.

Thanks for all your help. Maybe the issue is that I don't get anytime to myself, so I don't feel the balance is evened out. To his credit dh is struggling with whether to play as he will miss out on family time, but I sruggle to understand why you would choose to be elsewhere than with your family.
Yes, I am aware it could be alot worse (!) and also, I would never ask him to give up. I don't want to be that kind of controlling wife.

I suspect you're right that this is more about you not having your own time. My dh does off shore sailing racing and I horse ride.
When ds was born 10 weeks ago by c-sec I was incredibly resentful of dh sailing (which does include w/e's away) despite the fact he would do the nightshift most w/e's and days he worked from home.
However as soon as I got back on the horse resentment evapourated. Though it may seem extreme to many it is dh's passion and way of relaxing and now I've got my own sport back I don't begrudge him that at all.
Sorry for the long spiel - just think maybe you need to find something just for you.

I feel your pain, DH plays football and leaves the house at 12.30 and doesn't come home til after 9. I wouldn't mind if he came home in time for bathtime but he always stays in the pub and comes home drunk and irritating after Ive had the kids all afternoon..... Sundays are invariably then spent either visiting family or him being hungover.... as a result we have no family time and nothing ever gets done on the house.... grrr.... I'm not the sort of person to tell him he can't do what he enjoys but I wish he'd make the right decision himself, or be a bit more considerate.....

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.It's his thing, and it's a healthy pasttime
Do you ever go and watch the games?