to think my mum should not give up her career, friends and home to come and look after my (unconceived) children?

[takethatlady]

Hi all,

I hope you can help me. I love my mum and I have a reasonably good relationship with her, though I have always found her to be controlling and she has a very scary temper that reduces me to a wreck whenever she uses it. When I lived at home she controlled all my relationships and my behaviour (when I was 18 and I had a very silly argument with one of them she telephoned the school and told the headmistress, and then slapped me round the face when I found out and said I would rather have dealt with it myself. She said I was being an ungrateful daughter). I was never allowed to get upset, or angry, and she actually smacked me until I left home at 18 to go to university (which she dealt with very badly). She can often be jealous of my relationships with my dad, my grandmother, my husband's family, and my friends, and she is hurt when I choose to do things with them. She is also extremely hurt and takes it very personally whenever I disagree with her - from liking different music to seeing somebody else's point of view when she is arguing with them. She is in the process of alienating my step-sister for good.

I know this makes her sound awful, but I think she's just constantly afraid that people are going to leave her, and so she fights on all fronts whenever I show her how independent I am. I'm 27 now and left home almost ten years ago, and she has got a lot better, and we have a lot of fun together and I do feel I can talk to her about a lot of things.

But for the last five years she has been saying that when my DH and I have a baby (only now are we actually ttc) she will give up her career, which she has spent my whole life trying to build, and move to where we live to help us. We haven't asked for this help, and I am very afraid that her sometimes extreme, and often very different, views on bringing up children will come into conflict with mine. She says this won't happen, but I know it will. And more to the point, I don't think she should be giving her life up to come to live near me when I can't guarantee I'll always live where I live now (my job actually involves moving around, and she knows this) and when I'm often so busy I won't necessarily see her more than I do now. I have tried to talk to her about this but have been met with her 'refusing to dignify me with a response', shouting at me and saying she is 'bemused' and 'hurt' that I would even want a conversation about it, and going on the outright attack. But I think I should at least be able to ask her what she would want from such a move, and tell her my concerns about it, without a row. If we can't do that, it doesn't bode well for the future.

She does need to move because my step-dad has a hellish commute that could be reduced by moving nearer to us, though it could also be reduced by moving to other areas that would mean my mum could continue with her job, too, and be near her friends. We only live two hours away at the moment anyway. But whenever I try to talk to her she ignores me, patronises me, or attacks me, because she's so afraid of what she might hear. The silly thing is, I love her and I do want her around when I have children - just on my terms.

Am I just being selfish? And will I be desperate for her help when I have children and wish I had put all this aside? How much should our mothers be involved in our parenting decisions, anyway?

YANBU - it sounds like you need to get the relationship onto a more equal footing but don't know how you would do that without alienating her.

Your mother is a grown up and can move wherever she likes.

You have told her your concerns. It is up to her what she does with them. Perhaps she is fed up with her job and wants to move on.

I am not too sure why you announced to your mother that you are ttc. That is a bit icky. Your mother shouldn't be involved in your parenting decisions at all.

YANBU

she sounds very difficult - also if she smacked you how can you be sure she wouldn't do the same to your children

I really think it would be a disaster

but as Saadia says i have no idea how you can put this to her

if she does look after your children it will just be another way of controlling you

my mum would never announce she was upping sticks to come and live near me to look after my children - she doesn't interfere but provides unconditional support to me without conditions

your mum sounds very unstable TBH

you on the other hand sound very level headed and sensible and you know deep down, your mum's idea would be a recipe for utter disaster

Wow, IMo that's really tough. Because help from mothers is absolutely invaluable (I wonder if I would actually be alive if my mum hadn't helped me so much in the first year of ds's life) but it sounds like the price would be high.

I wonder if a discussion with your mum and stepdad present would be at all helpful?

Reading your OP gave me the shivers - your mum was clearly emotionally and physically abusive, and now she wants to look after your kids? That is one hell of a situation to be in. Of course you love her: but what she's suggesting (demanding?) isn't practical.

What are you planning to do when you have your baby? Would you expect to be working and have them at a childminder/nursery? I think you need to be really clear about your plans, and every time she suggests moving, re-state those plans and the fact that they won't include her ideas.

You are not being selfish at all, but you need to draw the boundaries so that you feel comfortable and your children are safe and happy - not so that she can gratify what sounds like a very impractical plan.

What does your step-dad make of it all?

Your mother sounds toxic.

I think its a recipe for disaster.

Tbh given her behaviour, I would not have her anywhere near me or the dc's.

Its not normal behaviour.

could you write her a letter, basically saying what you've said here?

yes, you risk alienating her, but personally I think i'd find the alternative worse. ie, her moving near to you and attempting to take over both your life and that of your children.
once it has gone that far then you'd DEFINITELY alienate her if you tried to put a stop to it

so i'd write, expain how you feel, the smacking, the controlling behaviour etc etc and make it very clear that while you love her and would like her help with the baby when YOU need it, you are not prepared for her to put you in this position

that way she can't just refuse to listen to you

a mother's help can be invaluable if it doesn't come with tears and tantrums

What does your dh say about it all? I don't imagine he feels very friendly towards a woman who slaps his wife in the face.

But you say you have fun with her now. Is this true? she doesn't sound very fun in your post.

OP, your mother was/is physically and mentally abusive. This is not a normal mother/daughter relationship.

of course she can move wherever she wants but if you don't want her to look after your children then you need to tell her so.

Wow, I wouldn't want a mother like yours to have any input in looking after my children, no matter how invaluable parental help might be. I wouldn't even begin to contemplate it. Lots of people get by with no outside help whatsoever, honestly.

yes I imagine a mother's help could be invaluable when you have a baby, but lots of us manage (just about!) without it...my family live on a another continant so apart from a 2 week visit at Christmas they haven't seen my little girl who is now 7 months old. We are in touch on Skype a lot and my mum is coming for another 2 weeks in the summer...

but my point is that you don't NEED her, you WILL cope...so don't let her bully you into thinking you won't manage without her.

I think you know it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Also you will inevitably disagree on parenting choices, as my mum and i do, and if she is so intimately involved then it is going to be very difficult. Your baby is YOUR baby, not hers and you are in control.

I have no idea how you can resolve this, just think you need to know that you can do it without her if you have to.

Thank you for the quick replies. Saadia you are exactly right - I want to try to get it on a more equal footing but I don't know how. I think if I told her not to smack my children she wouldn't - but it's the less obvious things/attitudes that would be difficult to put right. I feel really bad to have posted this because she's really lovely apart from this huge insecurity which she won't acknowledge. She was a lovely mum in all other respects - encouraging, supportive, affectionate, loving - and I don't want to jeopardise that side of our relationship.

I wrote her a letter recently trying to explain that I wanted to talk, and asked her to sit down with me, my DH, and my step-dad (who is really lovely) and talk - it just ended in an argument. But they are supposed to be visiting in a couple of weeks to talk it through all together. I just don't want to lose her - and I don't want to always be in this position of feeling like if I stand up for myself, she's going to think I'm rejecting her.

My step-dad he sees why she wants to be near me and see her grandchildren (I have tried to reassure her that this would always be the case wherever we lived), and he needs to move nearer to work. But I find it much easier to talk to him and raise concerns without feeling like I'm threatening our relationship.

Trice - I never said I told her we were ttc, though in fact I have told her that we're thinking of starting a family in the near future. I don't get why this is 'icky'? She's not fed up of her job, she loves it, and she can only do it where she lives. I'm not trying to stop her moving, which of course she is free to do. I'm trying to make sure that if she does move we've all talked it through and that we're actually capable of talking about our issues, and listening to each other, like adults, instead of always feeling like a naughty child.

Littlereddragon, I am planning on using the nursery at my work and only going in two/three days a week (I can work the rest from home). She knows this, and I do my best to keep reiterating it.

Thank you. It's such a tricky one.

PS - the thing that meant we are in fact all going to have a conversation about this was my step-dad getting involved and calling up to sort it out with me (without my mother's knowledge). I didn't make that clear in the post.

At first I thought you were going to demand your mum to give up her life to care for your kids which would of been totally unreasonable. Afer reading through I realise you are the one having demands put upon.
Tell her quietly and calmly that you don't want to impose and have her run her life for your kids.
What does your dh and inlaws think?
It does sound as if she has made her mind up so you have to use the next 9+ months to convince her that it isn't a good idea to give her life up. What if she moves to help with childcare then decides she doesn't want to do it? Or worse imposes the way you were raised on your kids.

I'm sorry I can't really help but you do need to discuss it with your DH and step-dad to get them on your side so you can stand up to her.

Don't get the icky TTC comment, I've told my parents when I was traying for babies, they did it too you know!

takethatlady, I don't think you would lose her. It sounds as if she needs you far, far more than you need her - she's the one who's contemplating a major move to see you, she wants to be in on your life. She clearly wants to feel needed.

Can you explain to her why the nursery at your work would be better than your mum looking after the children - eg., you want the children to get a better social experience, or you want to be able to pop in on them while you're at work.

If you're still breastfeeding, actually, I can't see how you'd do it without having the children in the work nursery. I'm quite ignorant so may be wrong about that - but your mum might find it convincing, I don't know?

I wouldn't let her in my house. You've escaped her & she knows this. You say you want her to be involved when you have your kids but on your terms. You have the upper hand now so tell her your terms & stick to them. If she causes you problems she's out.

She sounds very like my mum (who I would not have looking after my children without someoneelse there).

my parents moved to be nearer us after we had the DCs. I was very clear from the outset that we would be visting once a fortnight and no more. But I am not interested in any sort of relationship with my mum - I only visit for her and the DCs benefit - and it seems like you want to get on better terms with yours. But straight talking and not assuming from the outset is essential.

off the main topic but, you do realise that you will need childcare when you are working from home...

Debs75, I hadn't thought of that - getting other people on my side. This has sort of worked before - my brother was in a near-fatal car crash six years ago (he's fine now). He was 18 then and was in hospital for four months with a serious head injury, and of course this was awful for my mum. It made it much more difficult for her to let go of him and let him live an adult life (understandably so) because she could never tell if his behaviour was caused by the head injury, or how much he still needed her. But with everybody gently trying to talk to her about this things got better. I guess the drip-drip approach is better than the big storming argument approach. But more frustrating!

My DH likes her but she has said some pretty awful things to him in the past, at least at times of stress, and he doesn't want her having any influence over our lives whatsoever. He is VERY wary about this whole thing, and if pushed he might say something he regrets.

Thanks muddleduck - I'm naively hoping that juggling working at home with my DH's hours will be okay ... but at the moment, we haven't even got pg, so I don't want to be too crazy in the planning!

I think I just need to get all my priorities very clear in my head, as some posters have said, so that when they come here to talk I can say how my life with my DH (not theirs, of course) is going to be. It's a bit weird, because I know as soon as we (fingers crossed) have chidlren, it'll all be totally different. But the point will remain the same, I suppose.

redskyatnight I'm sorry to hear that. Let's hope we all have easier relationships with our own children.

Please tell me that you are not considering letting look after you children or even leaving her alone with them?

"Am I just being selfish? And will I be desperate for her help when I have children and wish I had put all this aside? How much should our mothers be involved in our parenting decisions, anyway"

No you´re not, probably not, not at all.

My mum was only an hour away but wanted tomovein for 2 weeks when I had 2nd as they were "so close" (21months)

I don´t know who was more horrified at the thought-husband or me!

And yes I get on v well with her but was quite capable, as are most women,of looking after a toddler & a newborn!

takethatlady
I also thought that - I was wrong!