to think my mum should not give up her career, friends and home to come and look after my (unconceived) children?

[takethatlady]

Hi all,

I hope you can help me. I love my mum and I have a reasonably good relationship with her, though I have always found her to be controlling and she has a very scary temper that reduces me to a wreck whenever she uses it. When I lived at home she controlled all my relationships and my behaviour (when I was 18 and I had a very silly argument with one of them she telephoned the school and told the headmistress, and then slapped me round the face when I found out and said I would rather have dealt with it myself. She said I was being an ungrateful daughter). I was never allowed to get upset, or angry, and she actually smacked me until I left home at 18 to go to university (which she dealt with very badly). She can often be jealous of my relationships with my dad, my grandmother, my husband's family, and my friends, and she is hurt when I choose to do things with them. She is also extremely hurt and takes it very personally whenever I disagree with her - from liking different music to seeing somebody else's point of view when she is arguing with them. She is in the process of alienating my step-sister for good.

I know this makes her sound awful, but I think she's just constantly afraid that people are going to leave her, and so she fights on all fronts whenever I show her how independent I am. I'm 27 now and left home almost ten years ago, and she has got a lot better, and we have a lot of fun together and I do feel I can talk to her about a lot of things.

But for the last five years she has been saying that when my DH and I have a baby (only now are we actually ttc) she will give up her career, which she has spent my whole life trying to build, and move to where we live to help us. We haven't asked for this help, and I am very afraid that her sometimes extreme, and often very different, views on bringing up children will come into conflict with mine. She says this won't happen, but I know it will. And more to the point, I don't think she should be giving her life up to come to live near me when I can't guarantee I'll always live where I live now (my job actually involves moving around, and she knows this) and when I'm often so busy I won't necessarily see her more than I do now. I have tried to talk to her about this but have been met with her 'refusing to dignify me with a response', shouting at me and saying she is 'bemused' and 'hurt' that I would even want a conversation about it, and going on the outright attack. But I think I should at least be able to ask her what she would want from such a move, and tell her my concerns about it, without a row. If we can't do that, it doesn't bode well for the future.

She does need to move because my step-dad has a hellish commute that could be reduced by moving nearer to us, though it could also be reduced by moving to other areas that would mean my mum could continue with her job, too, and be near her friends. We only live two hours away at the moment anyway. But whenever I try to talk to her she ignores me, patronises me, or attacks me, because she's so afraid of what she might hear. The silly thing is, I love her and I do want her around when I have children - just on my terms.

Am I just being selfish? And will I be desperate for her help when I have children and wish I had put all this aside? How much should our mothers be involved in our parenting decisions, anyway?

When you tell your Mum of your plans, talk about the decisions WE have made (ie you and your husband), so you're presenting a united front.

May be you can say you do not want her tied to caring for your children regularly for HER sake (she should be enjoying retirement, friends etc), but of course she would see plenty of them, if that's what you want.

You are an independent grown-up now, remember your Mum will be needing you more than you need her, so you can afford to be assertive with her.

Good luck with everything.

Unfortunately some people are so messed up themselves that you cannot get through to them. It is a very difficult thing to do, but you will have to stop explaining yourself and hoping she will come round. Many people say that mothers are invaluable when you have small children, but if they are children themselves, then you end up looking after their needs, your own children's, your own and your partners. I told my family I did not want to see anyone for the first 2 weeks after ds was born and that then set up boundaries. I just didn't feel able to deal with her emotions. I was shunned by my mother for this for a while, but it was worth it and we get on better now.

Dear Takethalady,

I really sympathise your situation and you are NOT being selfish as all. I totally understand your love for your mother (with a hint of fear ) and you would love the idea of your mother being part of your child/children life (but not all the time).

In my humble opinion, yes, it would be very nice to have her support when the child is young (both in terms of financially and emotionally). HOWEVER, can you emotionally tolerate her running your parenting and telling you how to bring up your child? And I don?t think it?s a good idea for her to give up her job purely to look after your child. By then, your child will be her only ?support? or her only goal in life???.She might become obsessive and your child will have no respect for you as he/she is being brought up by Granny/Grandma.

Sit down with your husband and works out whether financially both of you can afford a childminder/nursery to look after your kids, whether it?s worthwhile for you to go part-time. If financially you can manage without help from your mother, that might be a better option. So you can still be independent without her help and she can ?visit? your baby as a ?visitor?. Hence she has no authority over your life. You manage to escape from her claw 10 years ago, why put yourself through that emotional roller coaster again (and the unwanted/hurt feeling again).

If your husband agrees, he will have to support your decision and you can let your mother knows that both of you decide to use a childminder or nursery as you feel it?s not fair for your stepdad to move and both of you want to try to bring this child up on your own. You will have to be firm with your decision, for your own sake, your child and your marriage as well.

In the future, if you desperate need help with your young ones, tighten your belt and just eat ?saver value food? for a week so you could have enough money to hire a childminder for help?.. Personally I rather I lose a little bit of luxury in life and retain my own dignity (I had a relatively bad childhood with my dad and if possible, I rather not undergo those kind of verbal abuse again! ).

In my opinion, mother should not have any parenting decision at all. She has her chance with her own children (i.e. you) and it is your chance to teach a child. She can advise but don?t let her get involved?..it?s going to be a slippery slope. I rather admit I am wrong and life is a learning curve, then her ruling/ruining my life.

Good luck with your decision and I would suggest discuss this matter with your husband and make a decision together. End of the day (ideally), your husband is the one that will stand by you and spend the rest of his life with you , not your mother. Also, if both of you decide together, in the future you can always blame him for his decision!!! You are emotionally all over the place and can?t think straight, so it?s all his fault .

Best of luck

And when I say we get on better, I mean that we get on better than we ever have.

Oh goodness, don't let her do this it will be a disaster, she will try to take over.

I think you need to be firm but clear. Tell your mum you love her and she will have normal access to the Grandchildren, but that you do not need her to take charge here. That you and your husband are more than capable and have already made decisions about the care of your children.

From the sounds of it, allowing her to give up everything to move nearer and take care of your kids will be an opportunity for her to control ALL of your lives, and when the fallout eventually came, she would guilt trip you about how much she 'sacrificed' for your family.

You are an adult. She needs to realise that her role as a mother to you is different now and that that is the normal way of things.

possibly this website may help you.

This probably is nothing to do with your children, it is to do with how she wants to control your life and she has hit on an excuse that sounds worthy, but is just a cloak for her need to control you.

I nearly had a nervous breakdown when my mum came to "help" for 2 weeks with DS1 - she made one cup of tea. Whoop de whoop.

You need to be firm with her. It is your baby and she cannot relive her youth through you. what if you decide to be a SAHM? There will be nothing for her to do.

If you knew she had said she would give up her career and move near you when you have kids and you didn't want that then I really don't see why you told her you were thinking of having kids soon. In that situation I'd leave it until I was pregnant and starting to show before telling her.
If you don't intend to have her looking after your kids you need to make sure she knows this. You can't control where she lives but if you'd prefer her not to move near you and don't want her constantly on your doorstep you can tell her this.
If she gets hurt and upset then she gets hurt and upset, it's better she knows how things will be before contemplating a move than moves and then moans at you when things aren't the way she expected.
I'd make it clear that whether or not she moves should depend on her and your stepfathers situation as you may not see more of her and may move elsewhere in the future anyway. Tell her you love to see her but you need your own space.
You maybe need to back off from her a bit and not tell her the intimate details of your life if you want more space from her though.

Does your dh know the extent of her bullying, abusive nature?

2rebecca, you're right. I always tell her more than I want to because I want to please her. This situation is partly my fault because the longer I try to please her the longer I 'feed the monster', as my DH puts it! And I am a grown-up and should be braver.

Lol muddleduck (don't tell me that!) and Again.

And thank you to MeganMC - that was a lovely and helpful response. Everybody's responses have been great, and help me gear up for being stronger (which I have been trying to do the past year). I feel really uncomfortable about the idea that this is abusive or a personality disorder - it's hard to give a full and accurate picture of it in a post like this, and while I do feel that her behaviour has often been unacceptable, it is part of a bigger package of a person who is insecure and temperamental but generally good-hearted. Which is what makes it so tricky.

Anyway, you've all told me what I need to hear, and exactly what my DH always tells me. Standing up to her is horrible in the short term but it has to be done if I am to have a hope of maintaining a decent relationship with her (and my DH and (still non-existent!) kids).

Whoops - MeghanMC. I bet people missing the 'h' off gets right on your nerves!

I would say to her that if she needs to move then sobe it, but not on the premis ghat she will look after your children.

If you do have kids then I would make my own arrangements gor childcare.

I think new grandparents often sentimentalise looking after small children and then realise how much bloody hard work it is when given a grandchild to look after.

Why not tell her that you would love her to do normal grandmother things - treats, days out- but you will organise regular childcare yourself.

Grandparents are often very different with their grandchildren and see it as a chance to make up for mistakes they made with their own kids. You just need to be very clear with her about how the relationship is to develop and stand your ground.

I completely understand why you told her your plans as you are probably still looking for a mother-daughter relationship that you never really had and looking for intimacy with her. But it's just not safe for you unfortunately as she is clearly very unpredictable and you are going to get hurt. So you need to start distancing yourself from her and that way you will gain some perspective.

Hi OP. You sound very reasonable & are ANBU at all. Your relationship & description of your mum sounds very much like me & mine!

The idea about involving other people(her DH) in the discussion sounds good. I think if you're going to maintain the distance necessary to keep your current good relationship with her (and prevent problems with your DH) then she needs to be at arm's length, and it needs to be on your terms.

I just want to tell you what happened when my mum came to live near me and 'help' - she was bored silly in her new home. She seemed to spend all day sitting in my kitchen, bored, while the dch were at school. It was a disaster. She upped sticks & moved back after four years.

So, be strong. You sound as if you're handling her very well, not giving in to her silliness. Ignore her tantrums. You are an adult too, and she has to accept that.