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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in asking my parents to stop giving DS presents?

30 replies

notanumber · 21/04/2010 21:43

My parents are very generous with DS (2.1) and bring him presents weekly (cars, stickers and so forth, plus the odd "big" thing like a trike) as well as a constant stream of outfits.

They are more generous than I would like to be honest, on the grounds that we don't want to teach DS to measure how much he is loved by the amount of stuff he has. Plus the house is groaning under the weight of all the tat.

I already feel uncomfortable that the first thing he does when they visit is go through my mum's bag to see what they have brought him. He is very good natured and always says thank you, but I can't help feeling that this is not good for him and not how I want him brought up.

However, DS and his grandparents have a lovely relationship and they do lots of stuff and play together brilliantly so it's not as though their bond is just about material stuff at all.

I do recognise too that it is the grandparents prerogative to spoil their DGC and I don't want to be the big bad spoilsport who stops all the joy of giving and receiving. My parents will be quite insulted if I ask them to stop giving him stuff (they will point out that it is mostly very cheap little presents or stuff like the trike coming from Oxfam or Freecycle) and feel that I am making an issue where there isn't one.

What do you think? Should I just back off and let them enjoy their relationship or should I say something to my parents?

OP posts:
meatntattypie · 21/04/2010 21:47

leave it as it is.
let them

we get jackshit from either set of gps, think yourself lucky.

outnumbered2to1 · 21/04/2010 21:48

I would say just leave them to it. As you say their relationship with your DS is lovely and they have fun so its not as if your DS only wants them for what they bring him.

my parents do this too and never turn up at any of DGC house's without something for them.

GreatBallsOfFluff · 21/04/2010 21:50

YANBU
I have the same problem although not with material things. My mum lives 100 miles away, but we try to see each other one weekend a month. The problem is she lets DD(5) get away with murder, and it's got to a point where if we're all together and DD wants to do something (anything) then she goes straight to my mum to ask her, which of course she'll agree to and only after giving my mum one of those looks will she say "oh did you not want that" or "is she not allowed" by which time it is too late. So I know where you're coming from

Sn0wflake · 21/04/2010 21:51

I do see where you are coming from....but I also see that they want to bring him stuff and now would hate to disappoint him.

I think that you could ask them to cut it down. Maybe next time they could come and say to him we have not brought a present because we are going to do this fun thing instead (insert fun activity).

To be honest my brothers and I expected presents every time my Grandparents visited....but that was probably 4 or 5 times a year.

seeker · 21/04/2010 21:53

I would back off.

My dp's dad was a huge present buyer - he always bought the things like the Barbie Horse and Carriage that we refused to buy. It gave him enormous amounts of pleasure - and dd still remembers how lovely it was to get the stuff - not in a spoiled brattish way, but in a "my granddad loved me soo much and it was such fun that he got me stuff that you said No to' sort of way, and she's 14 and he died when she was 7. So long as it's not the only thing they do with your children, and you ds isn't only thinking about the 'stuff' they bring then it's fine.

Firawla · 21/04/2010 22:20

I would leave them to it, its not worth falling out over

mrsbean78 · 21/04/2010 22:39

I understand your issue with ds rifling through the bag in expectation... I've had my niece do this when I arrive because she is so used to receiving gifts and it upsets her mum no end..

Could you introduce (and tell your parents that you are introducing) a rotating toy box scenario? e.g. divide your existing toys into separate boxes that will be in operation for, say, one month - six weeks each, and place all but one box in the attic. Tell your parents you are doing this because you want to teach ds to value his 'stuff' and because you're struggling with storage. If they say they want to buy him new things, ask them to buy ONE item that they can give when the 'new' box arrives as a surprise.

My sister uses this technique and I think it's great.. the kids get so excited when it's time to 'swap boxes'!

etchasketch · 21/04/2010 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KAEKAE · 21/04/2010 22:48

I have the same problem - my parents are the same. I have fallen out with them over it a few times, it sounds mean but I also don't want him to measure how much he is loved by the amount of stuff he has. The other reason I dislike it is because my parents hardly see him and never take him anywhere, it feels as if they can't be arsed with that side of things, so they compensate by buying him things he really doesn't need.

So for now, I let them get on with it because my parents will not change.

gaelicsheep · 21/04/2010 22:50

You are lucky. DS's gps see him maybe 4 times a year and never buy him anything. They don't believe in "spoiling" .

DH on the other hand buys DS too much IMO. But I think perhaps I'm a mean mummy brought up under the influence of my non-spoiling parents.

Nettiespagetti · 21/04/2010 23:00

I understand where you are coming from. DS doesn't get toys but chocolate every time we visit gp. E are not even through door or got our jackets on before he says "chocolate please nanny" so embarrasing!

I still let them be. V special relationship I never had with mine!

morejuiceplease · 21/04/2010 23:41

My mum does this too. I told her that I knew she wanted to spoil her dgds, but they were expecting stuff from her which I wasn't thrilled about, so I asked if instead she would put the money she would spend into their bank accounts for uni/car/house in the future, I pointed out it would be much more beneficial to them in the long run,

Didn't work that well though, she stills buys crap for them, although not as much, but puts the odd tenner in their banks too.

McSnail · 22/04/2010 06:23

YANBU, but like someone else said, I would just leave it.

We live in a tiny, tiny flat - our eight month old is still sleeping in our bedroom as we don't have a spare one, and the flat was pretty full of crap before baby arrived. My mother went insane for a long period of time wrt buying lots of tat 'for the baby' - including a huge travel cot/baby cage/playpen that takes up most of the living-room. When she saw how much space it took up, she said, 'Ok, I think I'll stop buying things now - you relly don't have the space', and now she'll just buy the occasional outfit...

She'd simply IGNORED our feeble pleas to stop buying stuff, before that.

dawntigga · 22/04/2010 06:41

YANBU, you could try talking to them and suggest instead of giving him bits and pieces now to invest in his future i.e. pop money in his savings account with just the occasional actual treat. This way he starts to build up a fund for the future and you get to live in a house not filled with plastic.

OfCourseTheyCouldJustIgnoreThisAsMILHasDoneTiggaxx

gorionine · 22/04/2010 06:47

If it is becoming too much for what your house can cope with, maybe you could ask them to open a bank account for him so they would still be giving something, not enjoyed on the instant but that would definitely come in handy at some point?

gorionine · 22/04/2010 06:48

X posted with Tigga!

dawntigga · 22/04/2010 07:06

gorionine am v honoured

2GreatMindsThinkAlikeTiggaxx

StealthPolarBear · 22/04/2010 07:19

YANBU I ahve the same with my parents (specifically mum)
It got to the point where he would say "where my present" as she walked in the door.
They see him at least once a week, and so it was getting ridiculous.
Yesterday she turned up with dominos, also they went to the railway museum where she called me to see what she could buy "as she didn't know what he'd got". When I pointed out it's his birthday on Tuesday she said "but he wants it" - THAT is the problem IMO.
I didn't actually answer that call (was nappy changiong then thought it had been DH), this was from a conversation later. They ended up getting him some pencils which is a lot more appropriate from a trip out IMO.

The gripe with my dad is the TV - if he had his way it would be on from the minute he gets to theirs till leaving with cartoons on. I don't know why - he loves playing with him and does loads. That's probably my fault, when they've looked after him in the past when I was having DD or we were ill I said to use the TV as much as they needed to - that wasn't the time to ration it. But he does it even when we're there with DS now!

Besom · 22/04/2010 07:19

I've tried to tell my dad about this but it doesn't work!

I did tell him we would have to take some cuddly toys to the charity shop if he didn't stop buying them because we've only a small house and they take up quite a lot of space. This seems to have worked, but he still buys her other stuff.

pingviner · 22/04/2010 09:12

ask them to buy books only and help you build up a collection rather than plastic tat and big toys

Theyll still get the fun of buying somethingfor DGC (perhaps mention his interests?) and giving him a present, while feeling virtous that they are helping you out

he will still enjoy them but the present would then be predicatable and lose the glamour of a new toy every week

It'll be good for him - you can never have too many books.

theyre much easier to store than plastic tat

you will get a great collection of kids books for any future children

sorry, Im a book obsessive but this has really helped me stem the tide of tat

Pavlov · 22/04/2010 09:20

let them do it. Before you know it, they won't be here to spoil them.

They do love your DS in ways other than showering with material things, so he will learn ALL of that. He will learn that his grandparents love him, and love to buy him things. Nothing wrong with that.

I have wonderful images of my great aunties, who were my 'grandparents' (real ones died before i was born), i have memories of cards with five pound notes in, kitkats that they brought everything they visited, molasses, false teeth and the smell of oil of Ulay. I remember butterfly kisses at night and the smiles they gave me as i sat reading stories with them. They always bought me presents, but my memories are more than those.

piscesmoon · 22/04/2010 09:20

I would suggest the saving account instead-or I agree with the books-noone can have too many books.

ConnorTraceptive · 22/04/2010 09:21

I have finally learnt to compensate for the over load of stuff by limiting what I buy the dc's even for birthdays and christmas it's the only way. Although I think MIL got the hint when she helped me do a car boot and saw most of her gifts on the table

It does get to much and they do start to expect it which bothers me. I was mortified when ds1 was given a little token gift from MIL from her holiday and he said "is that all there is?" V-stern talking to that night.

Oblomov · 22/04/2010 09:42

Could try asking for something big. Like my sil asked for trampoline, big thing with net. so evetryone - her 6 brothers and sisters contributed, for a christmas and a birthday.
Then she said thta the she and the children really wanted a merlin pass, so we are going to give £20 for her ds's birthday next month, towards that.
This I think is a good idea.
Tell mum that ds has agreed to give all his tat stuff to the poor boys. i.e car boot sale/e-bay. she how she likes that.

mamsnet · 22/04/2010 09:47

I think the books idea is brilliant.

I don't think YABU at all.. it's not really a good idea to build up a sense of entitlement to these gifts in your child.

Your parents (lucky it's not ILs) should understand this too.