in asking my parents to stop giving DS presents?

[notanumber]

My parents are very generous with DS (2.1) and bring him presents weekly (cars, stickers and so forth, plus the odd "big" thing like a trike) as well as a constant stream of outfits.

They are more generous than I would like to be honest, on the grounds that we don't want to teach DS to measure how much he is loved by the amount of stuff he has. Plus the house is groaning under the weight of all the tat.

I already feel uncomfortable that the first thing he does when they visit is go through my mum's bag to see what they have brought him. He is very good natured and always says thank you, but I can't help feeling that this is not good for him and not how I want him brought up.

However, DS and his grandparents have a lovely relationship and they do lots of stuff and play together brilliantly so it's not as though their bond is just about material stuff at all.

I do recognise too that it is the grandparents prerogative to spoil their DGC and I don't want to be the big bad spoilsport who stops all the joy of giving and receiving. My parents will be quite insulted if I ask them to stop giving him stuff (they will point out that it is mostly very cheap little presents or stuff like the trike coming from Oxfam or Freecycle) and feel that I am making an issue where there isn't one.

What do you think? Should I just back off and let them enjoy their relationship or should I say something to my parents?

Thank you for all these replies.

Many of you have suggested that my parents save for DS rather than get him presents. while this is a good idea in theory, it really won't work.

Simply because we have actually already had a protracted struggle over the Child Trust Fund because they wanted to deposit £200 a month in it. We really strongly felt that it would be a terrible idea for DS to come into huge quanties of money at eighteen (and be able to control it at sixteen) and vetoed it.

The compromise we came up with was that my parents opened a separate account in DS' name and saved the money in there to be given to him when he really needed it for university or a deposit on a house or setting up a business or whatever.

Despite this, they still - in addition to the above arrangement - frequently give DS £100 at birthdays / Christmas / Easter / when he does a fart to go into his Child Trust Fund (which he does have of course, we're not anti him having money just not thousands and thousands at a very young age). Grrrrrr! We wanted the CTF to be something he could see was being build up gradually with small gifts from his parents, relatives etc for him to use as he sees fit when he is 18!

So, we're actually trying to stem the flow of money already - a suggestion that they give him more would land us back at the beginning!

Books is a fab suggestion. Only hitch is that my parents don't see books as presents, more as necessities and they do bring him books almost every week. I am a huge bookworm myself - thanks in part to my parents I imagine - and I understand this attitude. DS has -literally - hundreds of books but he sees them as being like food or clothes. As do I.

Part of the appeal of cars / stickers / trikes etc for my parents is that DS knows that they are treats (albeit ones he unfortunately takes for granted now) and they love seeing him enjoying and playing with a treat they have brought him. DS loves to read and be read to but neither he, my parents (or I, I suppose) view books as a treat, more as a daily activity.

But...many of you have told me just to back off and let DS and his grandparents enjoy their relationship and this may well be the most sensible option (as well as the path of least resistance).

I am very grateful that they love him so much and I don't want to interfere but I do have niggling doubts about the values that this constant providing of money and gifts will instill. I do also worry that he will grow up with the expectation that Granny and Grandad will always provide whatever he wants, regardless of whether his parents have denied it.

. Sorry, I do know that there are bigger things to fret about, and I do keep re-reading your responses to try to take on board your suggestions!

DD is only 8 months but we'll be doing the big gift idea for her birthday to limit the tat. Mum buys clothes which I either use for DD or exchange but MIL buys tonnes of little things from car boot sales that take up space in our tiny house. We've seen a fab water/sand thingy for the garden so going to ask for donations.

However, also found getting MIL to find us something specific at the car boot also works well (she's on a Duplo hunt!)

I see money wouldn't work so well for you. Maybe ask them for a specific gift, maybe a version more snazzy than you would buy to use up as much of the birthday/christmas money as possible. Or donations towards doing up his room (or other practical things)

Or start a one-in-one-out toy rule. So your DS gets a new toy but on the understanding one needs to go to charity/loft/ebay etc. Might make them think.

Could they pay to take him to the zoo / theme park or similar? Even if they spend a fortune in the gift shop, there'll also be some nice memories too.

you know, i totally understand where OP is coming from but re their generosity with saving for him: lots of people stand to inherit money, it's not necessarily a bad thing - if it's mainly about the fact he'll have loadsa dosh at 16 and not appreciate it, then i think you have to see this as an opp to give your DS a grounding in really good financial management, including how much his further edu/gap year is going to cost, and the merits of giving to charity, modelling excellent behaviour yourselves. for example, if you think there will be enough in that fund to cover his uni costs, then make it clear to him when he goes to secondary school that he has control of this money but you have always seen it as his college fund and won't be contributing more. having this much money is a fantastic thing: rather than bemoaning it, make sure he is truly grateful for it and understands what he can do with it beyond buying crap. you can be rich and still understand the value of money and be grateful for it.

start by suggesting regular ebay/garage sales/charity runs of toys when they get too much and asking him to pick which things he can give away. he'll get an idea of how to be generous rather than spoilt and the value of this 'tat' that is being thrown at him. if his GPs remain overly generous, think about asking him to take a job as soon as he's old enough to earn pocket money, or ensure he has regular chores he knows he has to do to get it. then GPs' pressies are proper treats instead of a bore.

the idea of GPs providing days out instead of 'stuff' is good as well but if they're anything like my parents they just love the act of buying a 'thing'! definitely point out actual things he is going to need like school bags, shoes, bicycles etc (which will get much more expensive as he gets older) so they can contribute usefully and take some pressure off you.

... you know through all this you might raise an entrepreneur who is runs his own company and owns his own house by the age of 21, there's no shame in that!