Am I really being so horrible and unfair?

[peacelover]

DP went out an hour ago and I'm still angry with him so I'm going to have to vent.

Anyway, it was my day off today because I work weekends and I'm absolutely choked with the cold. I had a really bad night's sleep last night so was kind of hoping to have a little lie-in. DP has to leave for work at 8:15 to catch the bus to work. As usual, his alarm started going off about 7:15 and as usual it was left to me to get up and put it on snooze every 5 minutes until he eventually decides to get out of bed (this is an argument that I'm saving for another day). Every time it went off I told him he needed to get up and shook him awake. After a while, he told me to stop f*cking elbowing him (just trying to make sure he gets up in time).

I had to keep nagging him until he eventually got out of bed at 8:20 and then he decided that he wanted to wear a particular shirt so I had to iron it. At 8:30 he was ready to go and said that I had to take him because he'd missed the bus. At this point, I explained that it wasn't my fault he didn't get out of bed and he's just going to have to take the consequences. I was still in pajamas anyway (also it would have been a round trip of an hour for me). He lost the head and said that I am really selfish and he would do it for me if he could drive (coming from the guy who wouldn't even help me find my car key on his day off when I had looked everywhere). He called me a horrible bitch and left.

Anyway I heard a taxi arrive outside the house which I'm sure he's going to bring up later because it'll have cost him an arm and a leg. The funny thing is that if he had not stood there and argued with me he may have made it to work on time without a taxi. Have i been horrible and selfish?

My DP wakes up before me, makes dd breakfast, cleans up a bit (washing up, change cat litter box, take the trash out) and then goes to work. He does it because dd still wakes up for bf at night and because I'm doing all the housework during the day.

Please, don't have children with this guy.

I do sympathise with his hours, and that he hates his job.

But you still shouldn't be getting out of bed, when you have a stinking cold, to iron his shirt. If you're home more often you do more of the housework, fine, but if you're both there he can iron his shirt.

This is the bit where I say, once again, that I am out of the house from 7am to 6.30pm, and then I come home, juggle a clingy toddler while cooking, we eat, one of us cleans the kitchen while the other does bath/bedtime routine, and then I tidy or iron or clean or cook ahead for another hour. My day is effectively 6am when I get up to 9pm when I sit down.

And that's not unusual for a working parent. We manage because my husband does the same thing; he's home more often so he does more of the laundry and other time dependent chores, and the daycare run. Neither of us expect the other to wait on one another. We're equals.

agree - please don't feel trapped now, when you're 'single' with no ties

You are free as a bird, if you choose to be.

And it doesn't matter if he has 5 jobs; it doesn't mean it is your responsibility to get him up!

Ok, he has been incredibly rude, but don't even consider leaving a relationship ruining the holiday for this yet

Before you take any of those decisions you have to see what could be done to sort things up. Best friends and good enough men are in short supply, however deserving of "better" you are. So, the question is, can this be worked out so he can become more responsible?

The answer I think is yes, and for that I would suggest gradually stopping to be at his beck and call. Obviously, if you are strong enough you can go cold turkey on this, but IMO, you might be responsible for a lot of this behaviour (even if only by allowing it), so... things didn't get that bad in a day and are NOT going to be sorted up in a day. Baby steps.

Mongolia - I am actually as amazed at your post as at the OP.

How can Peacelover be responsible for his shitty, irresponsible and childish behaviour? Yes she has enabled it to a certain extent but she is not responsible for it. He is (or should be) an adult and an equal in the relationship, why are you letting him off the hook? I hate this 'they're only men, they can't help it' attitude, just as much as I hate any misogyny.

Peacelover - Something I learned when I split from exH was that you will always cope better on your own than you think you will. Jobs can be changed, friendships that have fallen by the wayside can be renewed, new friends can be made and better men can be found.

I will always be thankful that exH buggered off because (as upset as I was for a while) my life improved so much without him.

I guess what I'm saying is don't rule out ending this relationship. Go on holiday, take your time, but think about it as a serious option. I think if you do end it you will look back at this time and wonder how you considered someone who spoke to you with so little respect as your best friend.

Because I expect that if she has been with him for 5 years is because he should be very good at other things?

Yes, he is a shit on asking her to iron his shirt when she is feeling unwell, and blaming her for his ignoring the alarm. But, these, seem to me, things that are "workable". I wouldn't advise leaving a 5 yr relationship just because the brute can't wake up at hearing the alarm. Now, if she had been having that for 5 years in a row, that's another story.

And yes, I think that we women, sometimes, dig our own graves. I have dug mine... I'm sure... all because I loved him...

I agree that women can dig their own graves, but only in that they 'choose' to stay with a man who is useless/nasty/abusive. The uslessness/nastyness/abusive behaviour is the responsibility of the man and should never be blamed on anyone but him.

Actually, I think the fact that he can't get himself up and to work in the morning speaks volumes about the man himself ie he is irresponsible and lazy. Not a man I would want to be with and certainly not someone who should be a father.

Oh yes.... in that I agree, never have children with men you are already mothering!

I'd say you've been blessed by a visit from the ghost of Christmas future.

If it's like this now, when you are both working equals, but he expects you to get out of bed to do his ironing for him (cold or no-cold) then you will be doing the lot if you have kids. Some women seem ok with that, it's your choice, but you've had a clear warning about what your life will be like in future - don't ignore it.

On the basis of what you say he sounds like a spoilt brat of a man-child. I don't know if you can change that. Is this what Mongolia calls a "good enough man"? Think I'd run like the wind.

P.S. I expect your relationship with your emotionally abusive mother explains why you're in this relationship. It sets the standard waay too low (have a similar experience myself).

No YANBU, sounds like your DP is a teenager! Grow up!

My b/f irons my work stuff and my kids school stuff along with his own shirts every Sunday night and then gets up at 6am every Monday morning to travel back to where he lives 50 miles away so we can have an extra night together....think I might give him and extra kiss this Friday when he returns