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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really being so horrible and unfair?

63 replies

peacelover · 21/04/2010 10:05

DP went out an hour ago and I'm still angry with him so I'm going to have to vent.

Anyway, it was my day off today because I work weekends and I'm absolutely choked with the cold. I had a really bad night's sleep last night so was kind of hoping to have a little lie-in. DP has to leave for work at 8:15 to catch the bus to work. As usual, his alarm started going off about 7:15 and as usual it was left to me to get up and put it on snooze every 5 minutes until he eventually decides to get out of bed (this is an argument that I'm saving for another day). Every time it went off I told him he needed to get up and shook him awake. After a while, he told me to stop f*cking elbowing him (just trying to make sure he gets up in time).

I had to keep nagging him until he eventually got out of bed at 8:20 and then he decided that he wanted to wear a particular shirt so I had to iron it. At 8:30 he was ready to go and said that I had to take him because he'd missed the bus. At this point, I explained that it wasn't my fault he didn't get out of bed and he's just going to have to take the consequences. I was still in pajamas anyway (also it would have been a round trip of an hour for me). He lost the head and said that I am really selfish and he would do it for me if he could drive (coming from the guy who wouldn't even help me find my car key on his day off when I had looked everywhere). He called me a horrible bitch and left.

Anyway I heard a taxi arrive outside the house which I'm sure he's going to bring up later because it'll have cost him an arm and a leg. The funny thing is that if he had not stood there and argued with me he may have made it to work on time without a taxi. Have i been horrible and selfish?

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 21/04/2010 10:32

YANBU YANBU YANBU!!! My dh used to be a nightmare with his alarm and getting up for work in the morning, when i was on a alte shift (after having got up at 5.30am the previous day) with the opportunity for a lie in I used to have to wake him used to make me !! he no longer does this and makes an effort not to disturb me in the morning.

However he's NEVER EVER asked that I iron him a shirt and it's COMPLETELY his responsibility for gettng himself there.

if he can't manage the bus he needs to learn to drive, adults should not be expecting lifts imo, if they need them on a regular basis they need a driving licence and a car.

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 10:32

Hi, No we don't have children yet - I joined mumsnet because we were thinking about ttc. To be honest, I don't know if I can take much more of this so have privately changed my mind (the chat is too good on mumsnet though to give that up!). I think its my fault as he only moved away from home about a month before we started dating( we lived in neighbouring flats) so he's never had to be self-sufficient in the 5 years we've been together. I don't mind helping him out with ironing etc. because he works 50 hour weeks but he really does take the piss sometimes. He's really nice most of the time and all my friends and family love him. However, he has regular tantrums and overreacts to stupid things. I know this isn't going to put him in a good light but eg. he punched a hole in our light switch when his football team were losing a big game. The thing is we've been together so long and he's my best friend. I've moved away from my friends and family so he could get a decent job so needing some perspective.

OP posts:
Callisto · 21/04/2010 10:35

Please don't have children with him. Can you imagine how you will feel if he calls you a horrible bitch in front of your children and your sons/daughters grow up thinking that is the way things are meant to be?

Downdog · 21/04/2010 10:37

I'd leave him to it for a couple of weeks. Let him sleep in every day & deal with the consequences on his own. He might grow up a bit.

I mean you're sick - he should be getting up early making you a cuppa, rather than behaving like a 15 year old with a day of tests ahead.

Gosh - I'm feeling a little less stressed with my OH for putting the snooze on twice this morning!

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 10:41

Oh, I forgot that we're going on a holiday of a lifetime in 2 weeks which we've been saving up for - so I still really want to go. The thing is if we broke up I would have to leave my job and go home to my parents who live 3 hours away as there is no chance of me being able to afford rent by myself. I don't even have a friend I can stay with here overnight if we did have a major argument.

OP posts:
Downdog · 21/04/2010 10:45

oh & as for the shirt ironing - time he learnt! It's not hard - he can do it while he watches the footie

Callisto · 21/04/2010 10:45

There are worst things than moving back in with your parents and missing out on a holiday - like being stuck in a relationship with a man who treats you with no respect.

Missus84 · 21/04/2010 10:47

What?

Stop waking him up in the morning
Stop ironing his clothes
Stop driving him around

You're not his mother!

You don't have to break up with him, but you need to redefine your relationship so you're equals.

GibbonInARibbon · 21/04/2010 10:53

peacelover, I don't often comment on a thread regarding a relationship but I read this open mouthed.

I'm not sure if over the last 5 years you have become desensitized to his behaviour, but it is really not normal and really quite that he thinks it's OK to treat you with such little regard or respect.

I'm never one to shout leave him but something needs to give here. He needs to address his anger issues.

Thank the Lord you don't have children with him yet is all I can say.

whatname · 21/04/2010 10:54

either lay down the boundaries for your relationship now, tell him how it is, and do not let him deviate at all
Or get out while you can. Because he sounds like he has all the signs of an abusive man.
Could also just be a miserable git, in which case you could sort him out!
But beware please

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 21/04/2010 10:55

Of course YANBU. He may not be an awful person, but he does sound very immature. I would explain firmly but calmly that he needs to do x, y, z for himself in future but don't get upset about it. And then withdraw a little and let him get on with it.

He is never going to learn to do anything for himself while other people do everything for him. It's not your fault, you sound very caring and loving, but he needs to become self-sufficient before you can even think about becoming parents. You need a grown up man to do that with and even then it's tough. He needs to be more than your best friend, he needs to be able to put you first when you need it.

Have a great holiday and start gradually asserting yourself more. And get some independent friends where you live, work friends, gym friends, dance class friends, whatever. This dependence on him is not healthy for either of you.

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 10:56

I'll defend myself about the alarm thing. His alarm stops ringing after about 2 minutes so he would rather just wait for it to stop rather than get up and turn it off. I know this because I have tried to condition him into turning it off himself! Yeah I could miss out on the holiday but it is the only thing I've had to look forward to for months and I've already paid for everything. He was going to learn to drive this year too but I kind of railroaded him into going on holiday first and learning after we got back so that's my fault too I guess.

OP posts:
Callisto · 21/04/2010 10:58

Very sad that you're justifying everything. I'm off as I just find these threads so depressing.

SalFresco · 21/04/2010 11:02

My jaw actually dropped open at the "then I had to iron it" bit.

The appropriate response to him should have been, "go fuck yourself."

Go on the holiday if you want, but stop getting him up in the morning and for god's sake stay away from the iron.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 21/04/2010 11:03

Oh definitely go on the holiday. Take him as well if you like! These 'once in a lifetime' holidays have a habit of being make or break.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 21/04/2010 11:18

Having come back and reread this post I am totally gobsmacked. I agree 100% with the poster who advised against having children with this individual. My dh once, and only once called me a dozy tart in front of our dd. It was said without malice but I took her and left him for the night. He's never insulted me again. Callisto and gibbon have good advice too. Heed it.

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 11:46

Thank you everyone. I'm going to discuss it with him tonight and lay down some ground rules. Am now off to make a list of everything he needs to do from now on!

OP posts:
MissWooWoo · 21/04/2010 12:00

stop ironing his shirts, for god's sake

JustAnotherManicMummy · 21/04/2010 12:06

Oh god don't baby him!

Get yourself some earplugs for the alarm problem and don't do his ironing.

I lived with a wanker like this for about 18 months. I left him. Best decision I ever made.

If you left him you could house or flat share which is much cheaper than renting on your own. So no need to be running off to parents.

I really don't blame you for not wanting to have a baby with him. One is hard enough, but two and no supportive partner is hellish.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 21/04/2010 12:07

Well, I was just about able to accept the 'I had to get up and iron him a shirt' thing, thinking "oh they're probably one of those couples where the wife is a stay at home mum and has just fallen into that role of doing everything," but then I read you don't even have any kids!

Why on earth are you ironing him stuff?
Why on earth are you turning off his alarm and having responsibility for getting him up?

It absolutely beggars belief

Yes, he is being totally unreasonable, but you are being deeply, deeply silly to do this stuff.

If you have a child with this man, (without sorting things out BIG TIME) you are just being idiotic. I know that's not very polite of me for which I am sorry but - it's the truth

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/04/2010 12:11

Tell your dh that my 12 year old managed to get up at 6.15 this morning, do a paper round, have a shower, and be out in time for the bus to school - so he has no excuse and needs to grow up and start taking some responsibility.

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 12:25

I think there is an underlying reason for him not getting up. He has 2 jobs- one of which he hates with a passion. He leaves at 8:15 and doesn't get home till 10:30pm, 4 days a week. He has a regular day on friday with going to one job and 2 short shifts on a saturday. He really hates how his life is at the moment but due to the recession cannot find work relating to his degree and what he wants to do. I'm in the same boat but have a better paid job so I don't need to work as many hours. I really don't know how to address the situation as I think he is at breaking point. But yes, he is being a complete twunt to me and no, I don't deserve it. I'm going to try strict ground rules. I went on housework strike at the end of last week because I was supposed to be away for training this week. That backfired spectacularly on me when my flight was cancelled. So now I'm stuck in a shit-hole that it looks like I'm going to have to tidy up.

OP posts:
ColdBunny · 21/04/2010 12:29

Even moving back to the parents is better than this. At least they won't be calling you "a horrible bitch". Why put up with him?

Original poster
peacelover · 21/04/2010 12:43

Coldbunny - my dad is great but my mum was emotionally abusive when I lived at home. guilt-tripping me into cancelling plans with friends, calling me fat and lazy (am neither), etc. She's nicer to me now I don't live with her though. She is very controlling and I will do anything to avoid confrontation. She has major moodswings and tantrums too which affected everyone in the house. She also has opposite views on everything to me. The last argument we had was when she said she was considering voting BNP. I do love her but I only ever visit for the weekend and that's mainly for my dad, bro and extended family. It seems that I've replaced one PITA with another. IMO she was worse to live with.

OP posts:
Undertone · 21/04/2010 12:52

You may think you wouldn't be able to afford anywhere else, but house-shares with other people can be very cheap and cheerful, and you would meet loads of new people; the people in the flat/house and all their friends as well. On a £19k salary I could afford rent, bills, travel and council tax in London - five of us shared a big house.

Really worth it to expand your horizons and escape immature cretins. Get your independence back!