to be angry about failing male friendship...

[lottaluvin]

I had a male best friend for 20 years. We met at Uni. we have travelled round the world together and seen each other through all sorts of sh*te times - redundancy, car accidents, abusive relationships.

When I met my dh and introduced them to each other they became firm friends too. We lived 20 mins away and saw each other 3 times a week.

At the time of us moving away he met a girl online. She refused to believe we were only platonic (how offensive to my husband - also I had a 6 month old baby and was hardly out looking for extra sex - i was wrecked). She has completely closed him off from our relationship.

It's not sour grapes - her entire weekends are filled with her friends and family. It took him 6 weeks to "ask permission" to come on a trip with his old college buddies. By the time he had arranged it with her "busy schedule" the trip had sold out.

He is getting married in Autumn and even though they have a 3yo she has asked for the wedding to be adults only (apart from her dd of course). Only his friends have kids - hers don't. Who will their DD play with?

I can't help feel bitter - she also knows how hard it is for us to leave DC for one night as we have no family nearby.

I miss our relationship - I knew I would go onto the back burner, but I have seen him one in two years. Am I wrong? Do I sound bitter and twisted?

I am really beginning to hate her....

Well, I'm sort of on the other side of this divide. DP has a female friend that he's known since college. I know nothing has (or ever will) happen between them.
However, whenever they met up he would ALWAYS stay overnight. The only reason this bothers me is this: he works long hours, so the only real time I get with him is at the weekend. When he goes to hers on a saturday they then stay up all night drinking meaning that they sleep into the afternoon on the Sunday.
THis means he doesn't get home till Sunday evening and I've not seen him all weekend. I've said to him can't he meet her somewhere halfway between ours and hers. He says it wouldn't work because she sleeps in and never arrives anywhere on time (she's always HOURS late for anything) I have to admit that I said if she was that bothered about maintaining the friendship she'd get up on time to see him.
Sorry that was long. Maybe it is coming across the wrong way in your case. I know in our case it could be that she thinks this is the case with DP and I.

Uni friendships lose intensity as life goes on, that´s normal.

Now that your friend has found a partner, you cannot expect the same amount of time and attention from him. You blame her for this, but really, it´s just that life is moving on and for him to get closer to her, he will need to get a bit more distance from you. It´s a bit petty of you to now see her as "the baddy" and drag the no-kids-wedding into it, that´s another topic entirely.

You have to relinquish your hold on him []

Ok I'm being controlling etc etc thanks for the input folks interesting to see everyones opinions.
just a couple of things in my defence I am not against the sisterhood, he has done his fair share of p*ssing and moaning to me, about the relationship faults whilst not really standing up and I have acknowledged that in posts on this strand. However, to deny the woman isn't manipulative would be untrue - even my husband has picked up on it and I never broach this subject with him...I do also feel that turning round and saying "you simply must have slept with your female friend otherwise why would you be so close is a little childish. But hey, it's her opinion, at least I don't have to listen to it anymore, my other half though it was great to have a "burd mate who likes guns n' going to Vegas n'stuff" quote lol x

I have decided to let the friendship go and turned down the wedding invite today as I think it would be slightly hypocritical to accept the invite not really liking the prospective wife. I have tried hard to be inclusive to her and ignore the very hurtful remarks she makes when we do speak, I have always been very sociable to her, and this is the first time I have vented any feelings regarding her so whilst they have come out OTT on here that's made me feel a bit better, at least she doesn't know how I feel, and it was nice to have this channel to vent!

I usually make a couple of phonecalls a year to the family so I'll stop and we're going to stop sending cards etc. If he doesn't pick up the slack then I know that that's that and he wants to change his priorities regarding his friendship circle.

Thanks for all your comments guys, I'm afraid I'm moving onto a more pressing problem of kamikaze squirrels attacking my plant pots now

Hi, luvin

Nice to see you come back and accept some of the criticism passed your way

Many people run off with their tail between their legs

I don't think it's petty to stop the social niceties as they are all onesided. My 3 friends and I have sent cards since the birth of his dd, and never received one ever for my ds. I've never questioned it, just thought, well, that's a bloke thing to do. I am the one who sends my husband's friends and family cards as he is pretty cr*p like that, so that possibly means that she doesn't give a stuff either and they won't miss the communication. Incidentally I don't give to receive before you all start tearing me to shreds on that....but it is nice when your friends remember your kids isn't it? Even my single-bingle clueless friends still manage to do that!

And frankly, I'm a bit fed up of being nice to her in the few social situations and being told I've a few pounds on, let my hair look a bit ropey, aren't earning enough and am a bad parent, and also listening to her pass judgment on all our other less than perfect friends....it will save me having to bite anymore off my tongue...

This has been dwindling for 2 years, so I feel strangely liberated tbh.

END OF THREAD!

My sil did this with my dbro, it was all good until she left him.

He's now scratching round desperately lonely as he has no close family relationships

It is her! But he chooses to be with her & live with her ways. Traded in his spine & handed her his balls in a silk purse.
YANBU to be upset.