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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about failing male friendship...

58 replies

lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 17:50

I had a male best friend for 20 years. We met at Uni. we have travelled round the world together and seen each other through all sorts of sh*te times - redundancy, car accidents, abusive relationships.

When I met my dh and introduced them to each other they became firm friends too. We lived 20 mins away and saw each other 3 times a week.

At the time of us moving away he met a girl online. She refused to believe we were only platonic (how offensive to my husband - also I had a 6 month old baby and was hardly out looking for extra sex - i was wrecked). She has completely closed him off from our relationship.

It's not sour grapes - her entire weekends are filled with her friends and family. It took him 6 weeks to "ask permission" to come on a trip with his old college buddies. By the time he had arranged it with her "busy schedule" the trip had sold out.

He is getting married in Autumn and even though they have a 3yo she has asked for the wedding to be adults only (apart from her dd of course). Only his friends have kids - hers don't. Who will their DD play with?

I can't help feel bitter - she also knows how hard it is for us to leave DC for one night as we have no family nearby.

I miss our relationship - I knew I would go onto the back burner, but I have seen him one in two years. Am I wrong? Do I sound bitter and twisted?

I am really beginning to hate her....

OP posts:
FlookCrow · 18/04/2010 19:17

Lottaluvin, I understand it's difficult to let go of a friendship, but you cannot force this girl to like, love or accept your history with her partner.

He'll come to you in his own time, don't force the issue through constant invitations that for one reason or another, they have to turn down. It'll just spark resentment and possibly embarassment on her part. I think (and this is utterly my opionion) that you are being a touch overbearing. Again, I understand this because he's your friend But he has his life too.

I repeat, he'll come around in his own time.

FlookCrow · 18/04/2010 19:18

And with regards to the original question, you are not being unreasonable

sunshiney · 18/04/2010 19:23

OP, you sound a little possesive of your friend. No doubt his fiancé picked that up loud and clear. Another woman asserting her importance in your mans life? It's likely to get up the average fiancée's nose I reckon.

You say about making social arrangements that you would 'by pass your best mate' and make arrangements directly with her, said as if that's asking a lot of you. If you concentrate on buttering her up as onerous as it maybe, she is more likely to accept you.

There's a reason men generally don't have a best female friend in the picture once they settle down, the dynamic rarely works.

Also on the point raised by someone else that he should tell his fiancé to get on with you or no wedding, how ridiculous.

Original poster
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 19:24

Flookcrow, I haven't been overbearing so far I have to say, I have spoken to him twice this year and around 4 times last year plus one visit for an afternoon.

I suggested a weekend last month (I always say hello to her and have a brief chat)and she was too busy...he was going to be at home with the DD and she didn't want him to travel too far with her (2 hours to ours) as her mum wanted to visit their DD while she was away. Her mum has moved to their village to help with the childcare, and i think likes to pop in as and when to see DGD....She didn't suggest an alternative date just hung up. My husband and I felt a belittled to tell you the truth.

What amazes me is that if I was speaking about a dh acting in an overbearing fashion like this towards one of his dw's friends everyone would be appalled...yet because it's a woman we just expect it...

OP posts:
FlookCrow · 18/04/2010 19:27

Heh, I knew you'd leap onto my opinion of you being a touch overbearing

Look, at the end of the day it's your decision but he seems happy with his lot and I think you should be happy with yours. Let it go, I know you have far far better things to be getting on with.

Original poster
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 19:34

I also think that our entire group of friends is putting pressure on me to get him involved in things as i was closest to him, they are venting on me too...

Mixed messages:

How can I move the friendship with her on when she won't spend any time with us...

Should I give it one more go with a meet up? BTW I'm not talking about calling her every week day etc, just saying how about you give us a date that's good to get together, rather than her saying we simply must meet and hanging up lol!

Should I let it slide gradually, just stop contact and suck it and see?

Again, am not expecting the same relationship we had, but had always talked about him being godfather to DS etc...

If she doesn't like me/us then that's fine but does that mean HE doesn't get to see myself/husband and son? Surely that's kind of overbearing?

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 18/04/2010 19:36

He is a grown man. If he WANTS to see your/DH/DS he WILL.

FlookCrow · 18/04/2010 19:43
  1. You can't.
  2. Certainly, give it a go but don't get cross if she refuses.
  3. Up to you ;)
  4. Yes, it is overbearing. What are you going to do?
sunshiney · 18/04/2010 19:43

"What amazes me is that if I was speaking about a dh acting in an overbearing fashion like this towards one of his dw's friends everyone would be appalled...yet because it's a woman we just expect it..."

I don't think that's a given really. A man posting here about a male friend of his wife's making him feel insecure might garner lots of support.

Also.... 'overbearing fashion' how is she being overbearing towards you?

She just does not want to engage with you is all.

RunawayWife · 18/04/2010 19:57

YANBU to hate her, she sounds a childish, insecure bitch.

MargeHomerBart · 18/04/2010 20:01

Are you sure you don't have a ''thing'' for him. I'm not saying you don't love your dh but is there part of you that feels protective of him?

She does sound insecure but sadly this often happens when people fall into coupledom.

BertieBotts · 18/04/2010 20:27

I can't believe how many people are defending her, if this was someone posting about how her DH was making it uncomfortabl for her to see an old male friend, everyone would be up in arms telling her to leave!

SuziKettles · 18/04/2010 20:32

But that's not a fair comparison Bertie. The op doesn't know what's going on in her old friend's relationship - none of us really know what goes on between partners.

A fair comparison would be a man coming on here to complain that his old female friend's dh was feeling threatened by their relationship and I suspect the responses would be similar.

If a woman came on to complain about a jealous, possessive dh that would be different. That would be about her relationship with her dh. The op can speculate on her friend's relationship with his partner, but there may be mitigating factors that she is unaware of.

Original poster
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 20:33

No I don't have a thing for him. I'm not attracted to him in anyway, he's more like a brother.

Misunderstood me perhaps, not saying she's overbearing to me, just saying if it was a friends husband stopping a female from seeing her friends THAT would be overbearing....

LOL at me being overbearing. I speak to him 4/5 times a year, and am certainly not possessive, not even of my own husband lmao. Just conveying some emotions that have been building over the last year and a half....I think the phone calls make it worse actually, I ask him how's the family and get an outpouring...I just think I'm going to let it slide and probably not attend the wedding...truth be told I'm pretty laid back, just felt guilty that I should be doing something more?

Should have explained a lot more about the beginning to dislike her..(hate was a strong word for me to use really...I'm usually more laid back than that, just surprised myself). Now that I have vented a bit I suppose I should laugh at her statements over the last few years and put it down to insecurity:

When they moved in together they made a friends wall of pics, she told me she didn't want the pic of me up there as I looked fat and ugly in it.(I'm a size 16 I know but she is a size 32 - so that was a bit rich. OK I am ugly.)

Before she had her DD she told me that breastfeeding my ds for 7 months (had to return to work) was not good or long enough. Incidentally she breastfed for 3 days.

She made it clear I was a poor mother allowing my DS to watch Cbeebies with his breakfast.

She was amazed that my so called career in London only afforded me a salary of £65,000 when her friends were making double that.

Actually reading that back and thinking of other comments I can see it's probably total insecurity...

oh well c'est la vie!

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 18/04/2010 20:35

She does sound very possessive but I agree with others who have said it's your friend's responsibility to keep up his side of your friendship. He sounds a bit of a drip to be honest - 6 weeks to ask permission for one trip to come and see you and other uni friends? There's no point him moaning at you about her behaviour - unless he stands up to her she won't change.

tweetymum · 18/04/2010 21:11

Actually, do it this way. Drop him as a friend, don't call and generally act like the way his fiance does to you. If he calls, be polite but hang up as soon as possible.

If your friend enquires about this lack of interest from your part, let him know politely that that's how you are treated by his fiancee and sorry, but you have too much dignity to keep a friendship going that's obviously not going to work.

Leave the ball in his court!

Bit flippant, but it worked for me and all dignities are intact.

cumbria81 · 18/04/2010 21:17

Hate to say it but perhaps he doesn't value your friendship as much as you do his...

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 21:18

YANBU

but you do need to get over it

he has his own life..and whether you think it is U of him to drop you at her insistence, it is his choice at the end of the day

perhaps he doesn't put quite the same importance on your special friendship as you do ??

ZombiePlanB · 18/04/2010 21:31

we're in a similar situation with a dh's friend. New woman has cut him off from friends and family.

MIL said something which really stuck with me, it was along the lines 'Think about the long term, if it doesn't work out with the gf then friendX will need people around him'. So we are ignoring the slights etc and trying to stay in touch so that if they do spilt up then he'll still have people to turn to.

Sounds weird written down but taking a long term view has helped us not get so cross about it. And if they stay together forever and are very happy then good for them, and we didn't waste our time either way.

2rebecca · 18/04/2010 21:39

I agree with Anyfucker. You obviously don't like the woman, and is does sound as though you mother your friend a bit.
Lots of men seem to end up in relationships where they are dominated by their wife/girlfriend. Women seem more inclined to blame the woman (whether MIL, exgirlfriend, new woman, mother etc) for being controlling rather than blame the man for being passive and spineless, or thinking that some men like being bossed around. He's an adult. He's choosing her.

Original poster
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 22:38

Interesting..how do i mother him?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 22:52

I'm not asking him to choose between one of us, god forbid, just grow a pair and make a weekend free for his college pals, that includes myself, DH, his two other female friends and their DH's and all of our kids.

It's just that everytime we ask him/them to come along to an event (once or twice a year)or get together she kicks off about it in a really manipulative way. Yes maybe she doesn't like me/DH/friends but that doesn't have to stop him. He just can't stand the sulking and standoffishness when he does see his friends (and not always with me there).....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:02

just let them go

he makes his choice

get on with your own life

gtamom · 19/04/2010 00:58

Regarding the wedding, perhaps you could hire a sitter to go with you to the hotel, to care for your daughter, while you are at the wedding.

She is his choice, so let your resentment go. Things do not always work out as we would like them to.

2rebecca · 19/04/2010 18:06

I feel you behave like a mother to him by not regarding him as an equal adult able to make his own priorities, decide on his social and financial prioritities and able to choose who he sees. You seem to view him as a wee boy under his girlfriend's thumb who has no responsibility for the decisions he is making with her.
She gets the blame for everything.
You blame her for him deciding to write off her debts and them getting a huge mortgage between them. If you felt he was an adult equal to you you would let him accept some responsibility. Instead you sound like an indulgent mother where everything is his girlfrind's fault and he is incapable of making decisions for himself as he's a "poor ickle boy led astray by the nasty woman" not an adult.