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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my Mum was bloody rude and shouldn't have said what she did?

28 replies

Rachyrachrach · 17/04/2010 15:00

OK I've got quite a lot of weight to lose - probably about another 4 stone if I'm brutally honest with myself.

Since the end of January I've been going to the gym for an hour before work every weekday morning and also do an aqua aerobics class once a week. I've also been taking more care over what I eat - not dieting or obsessively calorie counting but just being more conscious of what I'm putting into my body. I've been losing weight quite slowly but steadily, only a pound or two a week but the gym instructor lady who I see for monthly reviews says that is fine because I'm not just losing weight but also converting fat to muscle. She talks a lot about healthy, sustainable weight loss and insists that the way I am losing weight is the best way to keep it off. I have noticed that when I take body fat readings from the scales at the gym that they are decreasing substantially all the time so I'm quite happy with the way everything's going really. I would obviously like to wake up tomorrow morning and be a size 10 overnight but I have to accept that it took me quite some time to put all this weight on so it's going to take me a while to get it off again too.

Soooo my Mum.... we were chatting on the phone earlier about nothing remotely connected to diets, excercise or weight and out of nowhere she comes out with "you know all this weight you're supposedly losing? Well it's not really noticeable"
I was a little taken aback by this and said something along the lines of "well thanks very much and you're looking great yourself" and she gets all huffy and "well you don't need to be like that, I was just saying"

AI really BU to think that she should be more supportive of what I'm doing and not say such a personal, hurtful thing even if she does think it?

OP posts:

kitcat1977 · 17/04/2010 15:04

YANBU at all. How bloody insulting and insensitive. Stick at it, I'm really impressed with your honesty and commitment (wish I had more of the latter!)

Stigaloid · 17/04/2010 15:05

Your mum is being rude! well done on the weight loss.

barrym · 17/04/2010 15:07

She said a stupid thing, and you retaliated. Just move on from it. Mum's say stupid things sometimes, and you sound like you are doing everything the right way to fix your weight in the long term.
You should probably have explained to her what you have said to us, about fat to muscle etc.

Tootlesmummy · 17/04/2010 15:08

I think you were very polite in your response actually.

YANBU but I would ignore her and keep doing what you're doing as it's the right thing, slowly lose weight and it will stay off.

Good luck.....

BitOfFun · 17/04/2010 15:08

Let it go, and just be assured that you are doing all the right things- good luck with it, you sound like you are well on the way

cluckyduck · 17/04/2010 15:09

On my mum is exactly the same, she will say the cruelest things and no understand why i get upset!

Put some space between you both, and congrat on the weight loss!

AnnDaloozier · 17/04/2010 15:10

she is jealous

RJRabbit · 17/04/2010 15:10

That was really mean-spirited of her. Well done for signing up to the gym and going - more than I can do!

Lonnie · 17/04/2010 15:12

YANBU your mum was rude (and wow she sounds like my mum)

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/04/2010 15:14

YANBU your mum is being very very mean.

Prove her wrong.

dizzydixies · 17/04/2010 15:15

ignore her - mothers just don't think sometimes and she's probably just jealous of how well you're doing. can you explain to her that its a lifestyle change and not just about dropping the weight too quickly?

you are going about it exactly the right way and by the sounds of it doing brilliantly and this is coming from someone with 5stone to loose

CheerfulYank · 17/04/2010 15:16

Oh, that was very rude of her I think! And good for you!

lemsiprocks · 17/04/2010 15:18

Sometimes family try to sabotage your efforts because your success makes them feel uncomfortable,don't let it happen,you are doing so well.

Shaz10 · 17/04/2010 15:20

If my mum had said that to me I'd have told her to piss off. And I get on really well with her! It is rude.

JustGem · 17/04/2010 15:23

Thats awful! Does she need to lose weight herself? Perhaps she is a bit jealous. Good on you for all the hard work you are putting in and keep it up!

Original poster

Rachyrachrach · 17/04/2010 15:30

Thank you all. Mum does have quite a bad case of foot in mouth to be honest but I think it's important to think before you speak to avoid hurting people - especially those that you love.

You could have a point there though lemsip - Mum's easily a size 20 herself and has struggled with her weight for as long as I can remember. I've tried to explain to her before that for me going to the gym isn't just about body image or losing weight and that the thing that keeps me motivated isn't actually seeing the numbers on the scales get smaller but more the way I've felt about myself since I started going to the gym. In the last couple of months I've felt more energetic, postive and self confident than I have in my entire life and that makes it worthwhile for me even if I'd never lost an ounce! But Mum just doesn't get it. She's actually a member of the same gym I go to and faithfully pays her membership whilst never actually going (and I do literally mean never!) So she really does have plenty issues of her own and I think you could be right when you say that she feels uncomfortable. I don't think it's intentional or malicious (because for all she pisses me off at times she really is lovely) but I think me being so positive right now makes it harder for her to ignore her own issues? Hmmm....

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 17/04/2010 15:37

Well dne, it sounds like you are going about this exactly the right way. I imagine your achievements are making her feel bad about her own lack of gym-going, but that's no excuse for her being rude.

SloanyPony · 17/04/2010 15:45

She's being U, you are not.

Do you talk about dieting/weight loss or the gym a lot? I doubt you do, but if you do, dont. Just plug away at it and ignore her. Dont discus it with her again. She doesn't deserve, not does it appear she wants, to be part of sharing your success. And sucess will be yours if you do not let this kind of thing get to you.

tootyflooty · 17/04/2010 15:50

you are doing brilliantly,I would love to be dedicated enough to be doing as much as you are, do i maybe detect a little green eyed monster on your Mums shoulder.

just a little comment re your gym instructor, fat doesn't get converted to muscle, muscle does however weigh more than fat, so although you may not have lost as much as you would imagine,you are doing so much exercise you must be really toning up. Keep it up.

LoveBeingAMummy · 17/04/2010 15:50

Well done you.

You've hit the nail on the head with regards to your mum, its all about her issues. I can remember my mum making a very bitchy remard about my weight after she'd lost some, it was very hurtful and I couldn't help but make a remark back

lolabug · 17/04/2010 15:58

I would tell her calmly the next time you speak, that her comment had really hurt you, and weight loss is immensley hard work, and support is needed not judgemental comments.

You have to let her know, she cannot believe that was an OK thing to say.

Well Done on loss too - keep going!!

thumbwitch · 17/04/2010 16:04

IME it's standard mother-speak - but then mine wasn't big on the supportive front either.

Bloody rude. Your instructor knows what she is talking about, your mother is ignorant, bear that in mind and ignore her witter.

TheSteelFairy2 · 17/04/2010 16:11

Yes, but think it is that generation. To my Mum you are only on a diet if you are eating a couple of lettuce leaves a day. If you read all the diet books for the 70's they are very different than now, almost like punishments actually.

You are doing it exactly the right way. I did this both times after the births of my dc and kept it off each time and have still managed to.

Original poster

Rachyrachrach · 17/04/2010 16:25

Tooty - I did kind of simplify a bit re the fat to muscle thing. She gave me a long convoluted explanation about losing fat and building and toning muscle and as you say muscle weighing more than fat etc. Regardless, I'm happy and even though I have a long way to go I can see the results already.

SteelFairy - I think you're absolutely right. I can remember the diet books which were always around the house when I was little and they were dreadful. I have memories of my Mum picking away at a tiny salad when the rest of us had dinner and then raiding the biscuit tin when we were supposed to be in bed!

OP posts:

MunchkinsMumof2 · 17/04/2010 16:50

YANBU, I have the same problem with my Mum and have learnt that it's her issues with weight and food that she has always projected onto me from a very early age. I lost 3 stone last year and have put 2 of them back on which has resulted in some very unsubtle Weight Watchers comments from her..."do you know you can lose up to a stone on WW very easily, my friend has" and so it goes on. I feel your pain but well done for losing it sensibly.

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