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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell SIL that her dd needs to ditch the dummy?

45 replies

mrsbean78 · 15/04/2010 22:44

First things first, I'm a Speech and Language Therapist. My SIL's dd, my niece, is 23 months old and has a dummy in her mouth pretty much morning, noon and night. She has only recently begun to talk. Most of what she is saying is 'where's X? Gone', saying no or asking for food/milk. So a bit delayed, but she's talking, which is a good thing.. but I'm noticing now that her speech is quite indistinct and she is backing her consonants (saying 'kicker' instead of sister) which can be associated with overuse of a dummy.

The thing is, the thought of saying anything to my SIL makes me absolutely cringe. She is a GP, three years older than me, but I've always found her hard to talk to. She says things about my job like 'oh do you not find it boring minding children all day' (???) and 'why would you be involved in assessing children with autism, that's a medical condition'.. so probably wouldn't take my opinion very seriously..

but...

I really think the dummy has to go for my niece's benefit.

What would you do, and how would you approach it?

OP posts:
APassionateWoman · 15/04/2010 22:45

Keep schtum. No good can come of it.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/04/2010 22:49

Be very careful! I get very fed up with well-meaning people telling me that ds "needs to get rid of that horrid thing"! I agree it's not great if your niece has it ALL the time, but I suspect you are going to raise your SIL's hackles if you speak your mind! Could you not just ask your neice if she can take her dummy out when she is speaking to you as you are not quite sure what she is saying? That kind of drops a hint, but without upsetting your SIL

unavailable · 15/04/2010 22:49

I think sounds like you have a problem with your SIL, but its not really about dummy.

EndangeredSpecies · 15/04/2010 22:49

Agree. Keep well out of it. She sounds like should be doing a better job than she is, but unfortunately it's not your problem but hers and your niece's.

parakeet · 15/04/2010 22:49

I would mind my own business.

You may correct me on this, but it's not going to do her any permanent harm, surely?

Goingspare · 15/04/2010 22:50

Wow, she's rude.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing, as she clearly doesn't respect your job.

Would the other parent (brother, brother-in-law?) be more receptive?

2shoes · 15/04/2010 22:51

I would not say anything

saslou · 15/04/2010 22:51

For a start I wouldn't let her get away with making inaccurate remarks about my job.You need to call her on this because it sounds as if she has no respect for what you do. Given that this is your area of expertise it is not U to raise your concerns. Is she your brothers wife or BILs wife? Might be better to talk to him. I would be gentle about it though because no one takes criticism well and even though you are probably right about the dummy, people do tend to shoot the messenger.

SpawnChorus · 15/04/2010 22:52

What unavailable said.

DebiNewberry · 15/04/2010 22:52

No don't do it. No good will come of it.

dearprudence · 15/04/2010 22:54

Stay out of it.

If the child's language is delayed, who's to say it's because of the dummy? My DS was an exceptional talker, and he bloody loved his. Didn't finally get rid of it unitl he was nearly 4.

Pronoia · 15/04/2010 22:57

I think that as a SALT the OP probably knows what she is talking about!

Your SIL will not listen to you.

What's the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he's a doctor.

mummychicken · 15/04/2010 22:58

My DS has never had a dummy and can't say sister either.

Commumication isn't just langauge but as a SLT you should know that. But you don't have to bring your profession into it.

Personally I hate dummies and if your SIL is going to make snidy comments to you why not make them back? (as I do to mine)

eg Oh does DN still need the security of a dummy - isn't she a bit old? or has she achived the milestone of being able to say 100 words clearly or what ever.

But there again, I'm a bit of a cow

Missus84 · 15/04/2010 23:05

Could you mention something general about dummies affecting speech, rather than specifically saying your neice's speech is delayed because of the dummy?

If I was you I'd keep out of it though. I'd ask your neice to take her dummy out when speaking to you cos you can't understand her with it in, but I wouldn't tell your SIL anything.

Pixie41 · 15/04/2010 23:08

Hmmm difficult - I'd keep quiet too.

Your SIL sounds like a bit of a pain, I'd steer clear if I were you - she should know better than to belittle you like that. She'll have to deal with the dummy and speech issue eventually, and she'll probably come to you for some advice when she finds out how long it takes to get a referral for SALT !!!

mummychicken: I like your style

VinegarTitsOnaDiet · 15/04/2010 23:13

How old are your dc mrsbean? can you keep throwing hints about how young yours were when they got rid?

Eg - 'oh does she still have a dummy? ds/dd wasnt even one when he/she gave it up'

applesnpears · 15/04/2010 23:24

Keep quiet!!

And don't ever use "your profession" for giving unsolicited advice! It never works. Use your knowledge to bring up your own kids how you see fit.

scottishmummy · 15/04/2010 23:30

think this is more about you and sil than dummy use.petty rivalries and potential one-upmanship.you feel she doesnt take you seriously as SALT -is that clouding your judement,you think you spot an opportunity to pull her up

butt out

GrimmaTheNome · 15/04/2010 23:36

Don't follow vinegartits advice, having been on the receiving end of something like that re potty training I can assure you that such comparisons are odious!

scottishmummy · 15/04/2010 23:37

dont get stuck on petty she said/i said

you are adults.so act like adults

Conundrumish · 15/04/2010 23:49

Is she likely to rubbish you professionally for not having pointed it out when she realises her daughter can't speak? If she is, I think you need to have a sharp retort ready.

seaturtle · 15/04/2010 23:57

Nooo... Stay out of it!

choosyfloosy · 16/04/2010 00:13

If she asked you, that woudl be fine. She hasn't. Stay out. If she ever gives you grief, ask her if she wades into medical things without being invited... most doctors IMO would rather stick pins in their eyes than do any unsolicited diagnoses.

She sounds quite wrong though. for your niece.

differentnameforthis · 16/04/2010 01:56

She could also be saying 'kicker' instead of sister, because it is easier to form the tongue/lips etc into position for kicker! S comes harder to most children, (my dd called Shrek Treck for ages, but could get the 's' in words...just not on the beginning)

And you don't seem to be taking into account that many 23month olds don't have perfect clear speech anyway!

Being a Speech and Language Therapist, I thought you may already know that!

jmc112 · 16/04/2010 06:33

Differentnameforthis, the point from a SALT perspective is that it is worrying because kicker is not easier to say. Yes, 's' is a hard sound to say, but kicker is not a common substitution. Something like 'didder' would be.

I can't believe how many negative comments the op is getting. Yes, there's more to communication than language, but she knows which errors are worrying for long term progress.

Op I'd going with some general comments eg dummies can cause speech problems.