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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be miffed with my twin mum friends?

37 replies

confusulation · 14/04/2010 11:31

Because I am miffed and I'll tell you why.

I am friends/friendly with 4 sets of twin mums and have been with each of them since before any of us had children.

They quite often have gripes with peoples comments regarding twins and the work involved etc, the vast majority of which I entirely agree with. However obviously they have in many ways had double the hard work especially in the early stages, for which I admire them.

However, I've recently announced that I am expecting DC2 and each of them, seperately and without exception (although in varying ways obviously) have either said congratulations (or not in one case) and then gone on to comment on how they couldn't cope with the 'lack of attention' of a single pregnancy, and don't see how a single could ever compare to the excitement of twins.

It's made me feel that they see my pregnancy as boring and run of the mill - nothing to get excited about at all.

AIBU to think they should practice what they preach and consider the feelings of the lowly non-multiple mother???

Maybe it's hormones (that old chestnut) and I expected it of one of them, but it's ruffled my feathers a bit.

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 14/04/2010 11:34

Ignore them, it's silly of them to say something like that, a pregnancy is a pregnancy and exciting however many children you are expecting.
If they persist with similar comments, just firmly but politely point out that for you the pregnancy is very exciting so could they please refrain from suggesting that it's not as exciting as if you were expecting twins.

TulipsInTheSunshine · 14/04/2010 11:34

jesus

where do you find 'friends' like that?

violethill · 14/04/2010 11:35

Tell them you are enormously excited about your pregnancy, and that it's so nice to be experiencing it as many times as possible rather than all in one go

lockets · 14/04/2010 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

displayuntilbestbefore · 14/04/2010 11:36

violet - that's a good line!

BusyMissIzzy · 14/04/2010 11:37

Unless you're reading too much into their comments (which is possible, as you said.. hormones), then YANBU. Very insensitive to suggest that someone's pregnancy is less exciting than anyone else's, for whatever reason.

Congrats btw )

WitchyWooWoo · 14/04/2010 11:37

twins are still seen as uncommon and quite special, so its obvious mums will get that little bit more attention. if they've never been pregnant with just one, then they wont know that being preg with just one is really amazing too.

your hormones are probably acting up a little.

it doesn't sound like they are being mean, they are just talking from their experience. i wouldn't dwell on it too much.

Congratulations btw!!!

saslou · 14/04/2010 11:38

maybe you should gently point this out to them. It is the nature of people to be very self absorbed and to think their particular situation is more interesting/special than anyone elses, but yours is as important as theirs. Don't let them tell you otherwise. I think I would discuss this with them or spend time with better behaved people.

Congratulations btw

Reallytired · 14/04/2010 11:39

Any pregnancy is exciting and congratulations.

I have never had twins, but people I know who have had twins have all had the pregnancies from hell. Twin pregnancies get a lot of attention for some not very nice reasons. One poor lady I know had pre eclampia, SPD and severe morning sickness. Her babies were delivered by C-section at 34 weeks and had to spend time in special care.

There a lot to be said for having a nice low risk boring pregnancy.

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 11:43

I know, I won't harp on about it too much, but I've always been so mindful not to rub their noses in certain aspects which have been easier for me having only one.

Silly things like expense/childcare just general things that they get cheesed off about, I just thought they'd be a bit happier for me rather than make it feel like a failing that I've only managed the one again!

OP posts:

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 11:46

Violet - hee hee I couldn't say that! They'd implode with rage!

When I mentioned that we were going for a second, two of them kept saying oh god, don't do it - what if it's twins?! and now they've gone the other way. I don't know....

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 14/04/2010 11:46

I don't understand people like this one bit. What do they mean they "couldn't cope" - let's hope none of them ever have to go through the trauma of only carrying only one baby.

I didn't realise having a baby was all about the attention you got either from other people either. How egocentric and vile.

CONGRATULATIONS I am overjoyed for you.

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 11:47

Ooh and also - thanks for all the congrats!!

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 14/04/2010 11:48

excuse messy post - am fucking fuming this morning and clearly taking it out on the keyboard!

tkband3 · 14/04/2010 11:54

As a twin mum I think your friends' reaction to your news is really insensitive to say the least. I had a singleton first and then twins but even without the experience of a single pregnancy, can't understand anyone who isn't excited and joyful at the prospect of any new baby, however many are expected.

And as for making you feel a failure for only managing to get one baby again - most of my friends are relieved when they find out they're only expecting one baby. Although my DTs are lovely etc, they saw how much I struggled in the early years and would rather not go through that themselves .

I can understand the things that annoy them, but it's no reason to be dismissive of your lovely news. And if you can manage it without being over-emotional (which I always found hard in my pregnancies), then I'd say something which made them realise quite how horrid they're being.

And congratulations on your pregnancy .

needsdirection · 14/04/2010 11:56

Congratulations! People are weird and self-absorbed. I would say something along the lines of "That's rather hurtful actually! I had a wonderful pregnancy with db1 and everyone was so excited and happy for me, and I'm thrilled to be doing it all over again" (and possibly even add "Funnily enough, it's only the mums of twins who haven't been excited for me this time round...".)

Agingmumoftwins · 14/04/2010 12:25

Congratulations! I think they sound a bit selfish, and maybe a bit jealous? I wonder how many of them are IVF twins, and so maybe no chance of a second pregnancy at all, whether twin or singleton?

I'm delighted for my friend who's just announced her second pg (her DS1 is 9 months and she says it'll be almost like having twins!), although I must admit to a twinge of envy. My DTs are IVF and we almost definitely won't cycle again as we are getting on a bit now.

Doublebuggy · 14/04/2010 12:29

I think its quite amazing that you know 4 people well that have gone onto to have twins.

I am a twin mum and the only twin mums are the ones I met after mine were born!

And congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 12:34

Well yes, one of them is an IVF Mum, and although there is a strong chance she will cycle again, with her I can understand it a bit more. Funnily enough although she is one of the four and has said things along the same lines, she's been the most happy for me out of them.

I dare say they'll be fine as time goes by. I think it's maybe because some of them have partners/husbands or have said themselves that they don't want more children following twins, so maybe it is a touch of jealousy or something like.

OP posts:

violethill · 14/04/2010 12:35

That's a good point Agingmum. There are so many twins around these days, so it's not at all unlikely that the OP's friends might be in the position you describe and having mixed emotions.

I know 6 people with twins (not well but including colleagues etc) and 3 sets that I know of were IVF, possibly others of them - so you never know what emotions may be lurking behind those comments.

TheBolter · 14/04/2010 12:38

One of the mums I know who had twins used to seem really bitter about the situation. Not obviously, but just in some of the snide remarks she would make. It turns out, in hindsight, that what she wanted was a lovely cosy attachment-parent style relationship with her babies, and this was something she pretty much missed out on due to the sheer functionality of brining up the twins. It also turns out that she really wanted a girl but had twin boys.

So she threw herself into a supermum role, being all bouncy and energetic and quite scathing of single-child mums who 'had it easy' .

Our friendship fell apart a bit, especially as I had a girl soon after her twins were born.

Now she has had a single-pregnancy (girl) and seems a lot happier now she has got it out of her system!

I think that because of the hard work having twins involves, some mums feel a bit hard done by and that no one fully understands how hard it has been for them. So if by making throwaway remarks like your friends' it makes them feel better tha's up to the,.

Congratuations btw.

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 12:39

Doublebuggy - I know, it's nuts! I actualy know 6 parents of twins, one set are a bit older, but I haven't spoken to the others yet!

They don't all know each other (they've met but only at gatherings of mine), but I've said before that I'm becoming more surprised when someone says they're having one!

To be top of the heap round here you've got to go for the triplets!!

OP posts:

dairymoo · 14/04/2010 12:46

I had DTs with my first pregnancy, and sure, I felt a little bit special (plus the extra scans, etc were reassuring) but I cannot honestly tell you how relieved I am to just be carrying one this time around.

Congrats on your pregnancy and definitely enjoy only carrying one - I know I am!!

Original poster

confusulation · 14/04/2010 12:48

Bolter, I see aspects what your friend went through in some of my friends.

It can be tricky dealing with the hard done by part, because although sometimes thats how they appear to feel (although I think we all do at times), if I ever offer a hand or ask about a certain situation they've told me about the next time I see them, they can get a bit defensive. I'm only asking after them as I would anyone who'd suffered sleepless nights or general baby issues.

I'm generalising the four - they are like it in different degrees and ways of course.

On of my other friends with twins, who I haven't told yet, seems completely unphased by her two boys, she just seems no different to me than she did before she had them. But she did have a singleton first so perhaps has a more balanced view.

OP posts:

Firawla · 14/04/2010 13:20

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I think their comments are quite hurtful really, your baby is just as special they dont have to be a multiple to be special, all babies are.. and especially to their mum so if they are real friends they should just be happy and excited for you. If they continue to make such comments, I would say something if I was you

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