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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this was a totlly inappropriate subject to bring up at my birthday dinner (and indeed-at all.)

37 replies

MargeHomerBart · 14/04/2010 09:24

I have been feeling upset about my birthday dinner two weeks ago and I have only recently realised why.
My mum suffers from bipolar disorder. She has alwys been quite open bout it but that is her business.
I invited one of my friends from years ago to this lunch but we are not best friends. She told us a story about one of her bipolar friends then asked if my mum was bipolar in front of the other guests. (she guessed)
I think that it is totally inappropriate to bring this up in public.

More importantly- shall I now tell said friend that I am annoyed with her. I am too angry to speak about this to her face and she is pregnant so we must make allowances for hormones but I can't help thinking that this was not a friendly gesture that she made.

OP posts:
Chocolatedays · 14/04/2010 09:26

Was your mum upset by it?

Original poster
MargeHomerBart · 14/04/2010 09:27

mum wasn't there. i havn't told her.

OP posts:
animula · 14/04/2010 09:31

Is it possible she brought it up because she thought you didn't know and it would help you if you did?

I'm guessing there was alcohol at your dinner - it can make people clumsy, and bad at reading "back off" signals.

I'd try taking the line of telling her you do know, but don't like to discuss it, especially not publicly, at your birthday celebration (it being, perhaps, a bit of a downer, apart from everything else). And maybe sound out her motivations for bringing it up.

If it was with the intention of being helpful, I'd probably be forgiving. If t was just in the interests of conversation, well, I'd point out that it's a bit heavy-footed of her, and a little emotion-blind.

But, anyway, if you don't like talking about it with other people, then you can get that across in a rairly low-ky way, I'm sure.

Reality · 14/04/2010 09:32

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FioFio · 14/04/2010 09:33

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Prosecco · 14/04/2010 09:34

I can understand why you feel the way you do- people probably aren't as blunt usually, and she didn't gauge or respect how you feel about talking about it in public.

However, your mum is very open about it. It is a recognized condition and we shouldn't be afraid to speak about it- that leads to lack of understanding and stigma. If it were asthma she was discussing, most people probably wouldn't have blinked, but there still is a kind of silent agreement not to discuss mental health issues. My own friend struggled for years to come to terms with the fact that she took antidepressants-to the extent that she was never open about it to anyone- because she was embarassed. Whilst that is her call, I feel bad she felt people would think differently of her because of a condition outwith her control.

When you say she was speaking about someone else who is bipolar, in what sense? Did she seem empathetic?

Original poster
MargeHomerBart · 14/04/2010 09:34

i am being over sensitive i know.

OP posts:
Coldhands · 14/04/2010 09:35

I don't see a problem. Your mum wasn't there to get offended, if indeed she would have done.

I think it sounds more like your issue tbh.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 14/04/2010 09:35

do your other friends know about your mum?

I can see why you are upset, but if your mum is open about it, then clearly she is not ashamed, and you shouldn't be either. I know that is easy to say, but it IS an illness, albeit one that is misunderstood and stigmatised. I personally think that mentioning it in conversation is a way of de-stigmatising it. My father suffers from depression, and I've had a couple of episodes of it. I don't talk about it to all and sundry, but if someone wanted to know more in order to try and understand, I'd be fine with that.

However, if you have reason to suspect your friend's motivation, then YANBU

blinks · 14/04/2010 09:35

why do you find it an embarrassing subject to talk about in company?

it's not like she asked if your mum has genital warts.

Reality · 14/04/2010 09:36

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Message withdrawn

BuzzingNoise · 14/04/2010 09:36

I think YABU. My DH is bipolar and we talk about it openly. It brings about more understanding of the condtion and less fear.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 14/04/2010 09:37

I don't talk about it to all and sundry , just you lot .....

Fliight · 14/04/2010 09:40

No, no, sorry, OP has every right to be upset by this - however open her mum is about the condition, it doesn't necessarily make OP alright withit being discussed openly, and in any case, why was it necessary to ask OP about her mum if there is already a laissez faire stance discussing it with the person who actually has it

inappropriate, insensitive, 'you should be OK with it too' is not the right response to someone who evidently isn't

OP I'm really sorry you went through thos

Animula has it spot on.

Megatron · 14/04/2010 09:41

I think if she was trying to be helpful you can perhaps make allowances, however I don't believe she should have asked you in front of other guests. Your mum is very open about her bi polar, but I still don't think it's appropriate for a (not very close) friend to ask you about it in front of others as she has no idea how YOU may feel about it and should, in my opinion, have been more tactful. People who may themselves be open about things in their lives may not necessarily wish other people discussing when they are not present. YANBU.

Fliight · 14/04/2010 09:42

You know, you might have a mother who is openly a born again Christian, a transsexual, any number of things that YOU personally have a slight problem with

it is ridiculous to suggest you have to be as comfortable discussing your parents' foibles as much as they are

RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 09:42

Maybe she said it in a 'whoops maybe I shouldnt be telling this because I think her mother has bi-polar'
or she may have just been trying to offer help- its hard to gage when we weren't there. Is she a generally tactless/unkind person? If so then maybe she was being inappropriate, however if she isnt that sort of person i'd try not to take it personally.

Original poster
MargeHomerBart · 14/04/2010 09:43

I think she was just trying to show that she understood - my other mates knew about it.

Thank you- I do feel better now. I get suspucious sometimes.

OP posts:
Fliight · 14/04/2010 09:44

That's good, if you really believe it.

It sounds a bit cack handed of her nonetheless

You might not want to discuss your mother without her being present, anyway...it would make me uncomfortable and mine isn't bipolar, but discussing her medical problems among friends of mine would feel very weird.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 14/04/2010 09:45

I said OP shouldn't be ashamed. Given the stigma of mental illness, I can see why she might be

Narabug · 14/04/2010 09:46

YANBU, if she was talking to you on your own and you felt comfortable with that then that would be fine, but in front of other people is not.

There is a difference between being ashamed of something and being discrete about it. I'm adopted, I'm open about it and not ashamed, but I prefer to tell people myself and not have them find out through a third party.

I doubt your friend meant any harm though, maybe was just a little tactless.

animula · 14/04/2010 09:47

I agree there isn't some law saying you have to be utterly sang-froid about discussing things with all and sundry.

I mean, it's a snap-shot into your psyche, isn't it?

Your mother "owns" her experience in one way, and deals with her relationship with it, and other people, in her own way.

You have your own, different, relationship with it. It's impacted on your life in its own way.

I don't think you have to discuss how you feel about it, how it's affected you, with someone you don't know very well, at you birthday do!

I suspect that what is at the base of your reaction is that you're picking up this woman over-stepping the boundary of how intimate she is with you. You probably have areas of your psyche/life that are public, areas that are less public, and areas that are intimate, and only people who have shown you can trust them with intimacy have access to you.

This person quite probably hasn't earned her stripes yet, and is being a little presumptuous, trotting into the inner spaces, maybe?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 14/04/2010 09:50

good post animula

MrsVidic · 14/04/2010 09:54

YABU- By talking openly about mental health as a society- it helps people understand/ reducing fear etc.

It seems the only person who has issues with bipolar is you. This is OK- perhaps your friend was offering help/ helping you to talk about it?

Fliight · 14/04/2010 09:57

MrsVidic I have to disagree.

The greater good of society is not under debate here. The OP's feelings are.

Try as we might some of us do not feel comfortable with our parents' medical conditions...how would it be if the friend had mentioned OP#s mum having cance,r instead, for example? Should she have felt comfortable discussing that, too, or would it be her prerogative to keep it off topic for a dinner party?

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