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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not wanting him to go.

40 replies

Tobermory · 13/04/2010 16:10

Ok, first AIBU post but have read many ... Be kind!!

Am pregnant with DC2, due late May/ early June. I work pt but will almost cetainly have to go back mid/late Oct. I would much rather have the 9 months I had with DD but with childcare costs is simply not possible. We have streched ourselves a lot as it is to allow for the mat leave as is planned.

DH wants to go on a boys weekend to a beer festival in late sep. This is not the norm, he has only had one jolly away in the last 6 years and doesn't have the financial outgoings i do. I guess what I'm trying to explain is that he doesn't spend lots of our family income on himself, whereas I have fairly costly haircuts every 3/4 months etc. He is also generous and will often come home with flowers or little gifts fr me.
So he wants to go away for what will b a fairly costly weekend- I reckon the best part of 400+ - 3 weeks before I have to go back to work as we can't afford for me not to? It would go on his credit card as opposed to out of household but still will need to repaid from money that could go on something else.
I also feel a bit miffed that he wants to go when baby will only b a few mnths old.

So... am I being unreasonable or is he??

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 13/04/2010 16:13

You said it yourself, he spends little money on himself.

I would say that whilst I see you side of this and to a certain extent agree (I would feel the same tbh) I do think you would be a teeny bit U to say "no".

He isnt spending money on himself, does buy you things and you might get some nice duty free at the end of it

saslou · 13/04/2010 16:14

I think he is a bit because you can't afford it at this time. May be different if you had lots of money.

thumbwitch · 13/04/2010 16:14

ooo tough one. In general I would say HIBU but he hasn't done anything like it for 6y - and it is only for a weekend - ooh, I don't know.

YANBU to be miffed re. the money nor the him wanting to be away from new baby however - but I can't decide whether HIBU or not.

Have you tried asking him how he would feel if the positions were reversed?

Goblinchild · 13/04/2010 16:15

I'd let him go, it's a weekend not a month's holiday.
Has he never nagged you not to spend so much money unnecessarily? He sounds a good bloke.

"It would go on his credit card as opposed to out of household but still will need to repaid from money that could go on something else."
Like haircuts? Fancy shampoo? Scented candles? Why are your outgoings much more than his?

thumbwitch · 13/04/2010 16:16

Actually I have decided - HIBU to spend that much on a jolly away weekend - he could still get time away doing something different and spend less, which considering you don't have money to throw around would be the more responsible thing to do.

So perhaps HIBirresponsible rather than unreasonable.

OrmRenewed · 13/04/2010 16:18

I think perhaps yabu. It's a one off.

You can't expect or force a partner to feel the same as you do about being with your new baby. Would you be happier if it was a few months later ?

i sympathise on the going back to work stuff though. It's hard to start with .

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/04/2010 16:18

YABU

thumbwitch · 13/04/2010 16:19

goblinchild also makes good points however - perhaps you could compromise by cutting back on the expensive haircuts as a gesture of solidarity, regardless of whether or not he decides to go away?

gingernutlover · 13/04/2010 16:19

maybe yabu, are you going to curb your spending during your maternity leave? Will you stop having the haircuts etc?

Abundantia · 13/04/2010 16:19

Are you going to go without your "fairly costly" haircuts too? If not I think YABU. You either both need to go without because you can't afford it or both treat yourself now and again.

Collision · 13/04/2010 16:20

I would let him go.

VinegarTitsOnaDiet · 13/04/2010 16:20

YABU

minipie · 13/04/2010 16:22

YABU, though I must admit can see myself having the same reaction.

If you haven't given up your costly haircuts/other treats (assuming they are treats not necessities) due to limited finances, you can't get upset if he spends the same amount on a treat for himself.

I suspect this is really more about the fact that he's going away at that time, than the money. I'd be a bit upset about that. But looking at it rationally, one weekend away isn't a disaster since it's so rare. Maybe it's a good opportunity for you to have a friend/relative to stay, or something like that?

GibbonInARibbon · 13/04/2010 16:23

Life is short. He just wants a rare weekend away. It's all about give and take.

DawnAS · 13/04/2010 16:25

Hmmmm I think YAB(abit)U. Let him have his w/e away. My DH had to go on a course for a week (in Barcelona) when my DD was 6 weeks old. PFB and I was so worried about coping, but as it turned out, I had a great week - one less baby to look after!

I do understand the money worries, but once he's been and come back, it will all be forgotten about very quickly and he'll think you're even more amazing than he clearly already thinks you are! Never a bad thing!

Get some girls round (as long as they're not too rowdy ), get 3 bottles for £10 of wine from your local supermarket, some chick flicks and some chocs and have a girls weekend. Obviously don't over-do it as you are looking after 2 DC on your own, but make the most of him being away.

Enjoy!

Original poster
Tobermory · 13/04/2010 17:28

Thanks all for your thoughts.

It is all about the timing re. the money. If it was 6 months later when we will be back to a more stable finiancial position then there wouldnt be the issue. I think!

And as for spending, yes of course there wont be the same luxuries whilst on mat leave. Minimising spending has already begun!! The best i can hope for is a haircut to 'celebrate' going back to work!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2010 17:31

I think it would be ok for him to go

the timing is a bit "off", as you say, but it sounds very rare and certainly not U of him

violethill · 13/04/2010 17:36

YABU - let him go, sounds as though he's very reasonable and gives more than he takes.

Also, the baby's not going to be that small, it's not like he's going off two weeks after you've given birth. The baby will be 3 or 4 months old by then.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/04/2010 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MissWooWoo · 13/04/2010 17:37

I vote for him going and you having a girlie weekend like what DawnAS says

GoldenSnitch · 13/04/2010 17:43

DH has gone to the Berlin beer festival almost every year since we got together - although they do go EasyJet and hostels so it's really, really cheap.

He works so hard for the whole year and within reason, never begrudges me haircuts or clothes or things for the house/children etc and like your DH, he hardly ever spends on himself so I think it's fair.

so, I do think you're being a little U. Sorry

AnyFucker · 13/04/2010 17:46

DH has a golfing weekend with the boys every year

Interestingly, it is the only time in the year that he actually plays golf

TrillianAstra · 13/04/2010 17:49

YABU, but understandably. I like DawnAS's suggestion.

In my book you should have equal money to spend on yourself, whatever is reasonable considering the household income/costs.

Pepsiginn · 13/04/2010 17:50

Mmmm - yeah i think YABU - he sounds like a good chap and yeah - the timings not great - but i'm sure he would have changed that if he could.
Also - if you are that worried - change your hairdresser!

Pozzled · 13/04/2010 21:11

YABU. I think after 6 years he thoroughly deserves one weekend away. I can understand your feelings about the cost, but I'm guessing it must be quite important to him or he wouldn't suggest it.