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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my health visitor shouldnt have "just assumed"...

39 replies

itsybitsy08 · 13/04/2010 11:58

was dd,s health check the other day and after going though everything the hv ended by telling me that i could get some stuff for free, including babygates, fireguards etc.
I thought oh brill, love a freebie, until she then stated that i had to do was "bring my proof of IS to the childrens centre"
I work and am not on benefits.
Told her this, she apologized and said she "just assumed, you look young and ...."
AIBU to think that she should not make assumptions about peoples situations based on apperance - im 22, look younger!

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/04/2010 12:03

You have to say something at the time. It is no good saying nothing and then getting annoyed later as that changes nothing. You need to confront people otherwise they can't change. Tell them to rethink stereotypes or that hey shouldn't assume things based on looks and you would think a HV would know better.

YanBU though.

thefinerthingsinlife · 13/04/2010 12:07

I know exactly where your coming from I had dd just before my 19th birthday, people automatically assumed i was on benefits because I was young, which really annoyed me as my dh was working f/t plus going to law school at the weekends to provide for us.

(BTW I have nothing against benefits for people who need them)

Firawla · 13/04/2010 12:17

I wouldn't be annoyed really, if you were on benefits then the info would have been useful, I would be more annoyed if I was on benefits and not given that info, as compared to the other way round. Mine gave me a lot of info about stuff I wasn't entitled to, I wasn't bothered. She made the wrong assumption, you corrected her @ the time.. no need to dwell on it, so I think yab a bit u

YellowDaffodil · 13/04/2010 12:27

I had a similar problem with a HV who stood in while mine was on holiday.

A lot of clucking about why hasn't she (my HV) told you about such and such. She wasn't about to be interupted and banged on for ages while I tried to get a word in to point out that my HV had asked about and understood my circumstance before discussing what I (not other people) was entitled to.

It always worries me that people like that rattle off the same speech without really understanding an individuals circumstances and sometimes miss assisting those who need and are entitled to this support.

YANBU and she should not stereotype. Congratulations on looking young though.

EricNorthmansmistress · 13/04/2010 12:35

They should ask

I missed out on my surestart maternity grant because HV assumed that we (professional me, working DH) wouldn't qualify.

They should ask, would you be offended if she said 'do you mind if I ask if you claim any of these benefits, because if you do...' I wouldn't.

Original poster
itsybitsy08 · 13/04/2010 12:46

I wouldnt of minded at all if she asked first! Thats what bugged me really, the fact she didnt!
I dont think anyone should assume anything about anyone without checking first!
I would never do that, it saves embarrasment on both sides!
And Sorry to hear you missed out!

OP posts:
JazzieJeff · 13/04/2010 12:54

No YANBU that would really annoy me! I'm the same age as you and sometimes I've had to go to scans/appointments straight from work with no make-up on and my hair scraped back (so in fairness, I probably do look about 12) and some of the looks I've had! Unbelieveable!

Eliza70 · 13/04/2010 12:57

I had to point out to my HV on her first visit that actually my son had Down's Syndrome and that was why he had different growth charts... should have read her referral letter a bit better

celebmum · 13/04/2010 13:28

YANBU i'd have been miffed too.. i spent one of my 'rare' midwife appts trying to explain to midwife that the lovely little 'benefit guide' she was trying to give me would actually be the only thing i would get as my partner and i earn too much! she kept forcing it on me, i took it, read it and was right not entitled to anything really now its just gathering dust in the dinning room!!

Also when we moved house i went to the town hall and asked the lady behind the desk what i did about changing council tax/address etc and she answered tell your benefits adviser! erm i work full time mrs!!!
grrr!

x

OrganicHairbrush · 13/04/2010 13:44

YANBU. It would have taken her no time to ask "are you on any benefits? if so..."

mumblechum · 13/04/2010 13:47

YANBU. When checking ds in for a hospital stay, a nurse said, "is there a dad around at all?"

I didn't say anything but thought that was very odd.

posieparker · 13/04/2010 13:49

FGS, it's not really an issue is it....
You're young and most of the young people she sees are on IS. Good God I thought it was going to be something serious.

Thediaryofanobody · 13/04/2010 13:56

YANBU my sister ran up against this type of attitude a lot when she had her DD aged 19 including the HV telling her she didn't have to be embarrassed or lie to her over owning her own home. She simply couldn't believe that a teenage mother could afford to own her large house in a nice area, for some reason she assumed it was my parents home.

It made my sister very self conscious of being judges so she refused to take my DN to mothers and toddlers and such like.

MillyMollyMoo · 13/04/2010 14:12

Well it works the opposite way around as well, I am for the first time entitled to maternity allowance and a sure start grant at the grand age of 34, I've practically had to report myself to the benefit fraud hotline to convince people to sign the relevant forms and of course you can check that's correct etc etc it's very annoying.

MorrisZapp · 13/04/2010 17:14

Depends whether or not you take it as an insult to be assumed to be on benefits.

Can't say I think it's that big a deal myself.

Knickers0nMyHead · 13/04/2010 19:20

Think you seem to be getting het up over nothing.......

lockets · 13/04/2010 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

coldtits · 13/04/2010 19:26

This used to drive me nuts, it's fucking rude.

It's an assumption that you cannot possibly be working because you're not in your 30s that drives me nuts.

I used to get filthy looks when ds1 was a baby, as I was presumed to be a single teenaged benefits reliant mother.

Funnily, when I was a nearly 30 year old single benefits reliant mother, I got treated a lot better because of the assumption that I must have a husband.

This world still sickens me occasionally.

DilysPrice · 13/04/2010 19:29

I frequently get baffled looks when I explain that no, I have to pay full price for (adult) prescriptions, leisure centre membership etc, because I'm not on benefits, no really, not IS, not CTC, no, not on any benefits at all.

I'm white, incredibly middle class, and in my forties, so it may not be you, it may just be the area you live in.

Original poster
itsybitsy08 · 13/04/2010 19:31

Morriszapp I don't take it as an insult, have nothing against people on benefits who need them, I just object abit to being sterotyped!
Like millymoomoo who said it works both ways, and also ericnorthmansmistress who lost out on her maternity grant because of an assumption!

OP posts:
LittleSilver · 13/04/2010 19:31

This happened to me when I had DD1 (at 23). I got pranced up to by some woman in the street who asked me very loudly if I got milk tokens. What are they anyway?

Funny, we owned our own house then and were financially better off. Now I'm nearly 30 we've lost our house and can barely afford the rent. sigh. Sorry, that's irrelevant, bad day, excuse me.

Original poster
itsybitsy08 · 13/04/2010 19:36

coldtits, couldnt agree more

OP posts:
brogan2 · 13/04/2010 19:36

HVs always make assumption though.

The first time I met mine she asked if my mother lived close by, when I said yes she said that was good because I'd have her to help out during the day when DH was at work!

Eh...no, my mother actually has quite a senior professional career and worked about 60hours a week.

When I explained this she looked at me as if I had two heads. Total assumption that my mother did not work.

So, no, IMO YANBU, though you should have said something at the time.

Galena · 13/04/2010 20:06

Our HV's first visit was a joke - she turned up a week after DD was born, took the scales out of the car and knocked on the door. We chatted for a while and then I said 'You haven't been told, have you?' She asked what, and I explained that DD was born at 27 weeks and was still in the NNU.

YANBU. To ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME. (Or so I was told many years ago)

Original poster
itsybitsy08 · 13/04/2010 20:24

Galena that is horrific! Exactly why people should not assume and bother to check facts first!

Love the saying, maybe more of us would do well to remember it!

OP posts:
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