to not fund ds further education

[frazzled74]

we have a moderate income which allows us to pay mortgage etc and have 1 holiday per year plus a few day trips etc, but no savings. ds 17 will be going to uni next year. we also have a 7 and 4 year old.
am i being unreasonable to expect ds to take student loan to cover tuition and accomodation costs etc.Some of my friends are talking about taking on second jobs and remortgaging to help finance uni. I think this would be detrimental to rest of family (not enough equity anywayto remortgage)
I was hoping that ds would find part time /holiday work to minimise his borrowing and that i woud be on hand with food parcels, train fares etc. I know that its hard that students end up with masses of debt but is it that awful?

Op - YANBU, but as has already been said previously you're best to find out what sort of finance your son is entitled to first.

Re; Cambridge - the workload for an arts course can be one essay per week, but is often two. The University are very strict about jobs during term time, and they are able to offer sufficient financial help to deem such work unnecessary.

My room-mate's parents didn't have a car so we used to pick her up from Bradford on our way up. There might be someone who can give him a lift? If I lived near you I'd take him but you're in Bristol, aren't you? I'm up in the north west. Do you have a neighbour who could help?

YANBU

If he has to take loans and pay for it himself, it might make work harder!

Would it be worth taking a gap year, working and saving as much as he could?

wow loads of replies, thanks for all your helpful comments. i will help him as much as i can , we are in the south east and he is hoping to go to manchester or edinburgh but this may change.

YANBU-I may be naive but I thought that was what student loans were for-mine have taken them out.

I used to go on the train with all my stuff I couldn't carry in a trunk which would arrive a day or so later. Can you still get trunks?

I am reading this thread with much interest - my parents subsidised me entirely at uni (not rich, but hard workers in public sector who wanted to give us the chances they didn't have). I did holiday work but this really provided luxuries for me so I ended with minimal debt. (Their subsidy didn't stop me being a hard worker too btw). but while it was pre-fee era I wonder how much we will be able to do for DD in 17 years time. Also feel with introduction of fees and boom in 'silly' degrees, it's not just a case of 'you should go if you can' any more. I think OP has quite an exciting opp to talk to DS and rest of family about what this choice means, how the family will manage costs of education for their children - there will be two more after this one! - how to deal with finances, and when personal responsibility for your finances are expected start in your family. This is a way of passing on key life skills as well as enabling DS to make key life choices, and to avoid 'shocks' in future if parents' expectations and kids don't align...

f'rintstance - what the options other than going to uni and getting into debt for DS? would he be monetarily better off going into a career straight away (if that's possible)? Which unis are seen as preferred in his chosen industry - might not be worth going to one that is considered crap, his CV won't be read. how else could he get the 'life experience' uni offers if going there doesn't add up? Degree might still be the best way, but good to know that you really value the benefits before you plunge in. Also - student loans are far cheaper than mortgages so much better sense for him to accrue debt (to an agreed limit?) and parents to pay it off, if they are considering contributing, than for them to get into the debt themselves.

Riven - re wagamamas, you would have hated me... my boyfriend at uni used to take me for a proper posh 3-course meal out every month of so , all on the student loan. we truly didn't know we were born before fees, did we?

yes - tell them to snag one asap! although if it's anywhere like st andrews, the yahs and rugger buggers won't have anything to do with somebody from state school [not bitter at all emoticon]. but surely the whole point of going to cambridge is that you will be set for life? completely failed to get in myself so well done to your DC

Riven, no hope, she'll fall for a gorgeous but useless bloke like everyone else does at the start of uni. (Except Omaoma who seemed to have her head screwed on right)

re getting her stuff there, is hiring a car for a weekend an option? It might actually be cheaper than train fare plus stuff being posted/couriered to her. And you at least know her stuff will be with her from day 1 and no risk of spare pants and winter coat being lost in the post....

we all used to get the train up to scotland with our trunks/cases then a cab from the station (hilariously the train doesn't go to the town despite the fact it's been a university town for centuries). it is doable without a car. definitely limits the kipple you take. end of term is a different story, the hysteria as you try to repack all the shit you bought over the last 3 months... they had stores at uni where you could leave stuff over the hols rather than re-transport it home and back, do cambridge do that?

FPT - thanks for the vote of confidence. i always find other people's money very attractive... in another life am prob a footballer's wife

I am also reading this with great interest Frazzled as I'm almost in the same boat.
DC1 is in L6 at the moment and we are already having the Uni talk. He is having a gap year out of necessity as he has not been in the UK for the 3 years required prior to starting at Uni. We had previously agreed that he would get a job in the gap year and could stay in our UK home and not pay board and lodgings but should save at least half his income for uni.

I have recently suggested he start looking for a summer job this year and also talked about it next year and also long term and he seemed appalled that I had suggested such a thing as it will 'interfere with his studies'.

I have already funded him through private education from the age of 4 to 13 (from 13 to 16 he was an international school which DH's company paid for) I am now funding him privately for his A levels as he HAD to go to that particular school. We've made it so clear numerous times that the financial tap turns off at the end of A levels. I have three other children to think of and the way it is now, DH and I have just had to accept that DC 3 and 4 won't be privately educated. This is very unfair as 1 and 2 who are not DH's children have been for the majority of their school years.

DS1 thinks I'm being unreasonable but I think as others have said, it is unfair if he basically gets it all and the other three won't. We can't afford it as it is and have two bills to pay by Sunday and I still don't know where all the money is going to come from.

I don't consider myself to be unreasonable to say NO, from age 18. At his age I'd been working full time for a year. My mother insisted I left school at 16 and 3 days after leaving school I was working full time and giving half my salary to my mum for housekeeping. As other posters, I worked full time and studied evenings and did it the bloody hard way.

According to DS he is going to read law at Cambridge (which from what I've read on here may be a cheaper option that other unis). Fantastic if he does it but he will have to get a job (summer one in advance as opposed to during term time) and if he needs a loan he has to get one.

So, after all this waffle (sorry!) , Frazzled, no, you are not unreasonable, you have no choice if you can't afford it and its not fair to treat your children differently.

Webwhiz and elvislives, your approach sounds very sensible.

All we do is fund DD's car, i.e tax and insure it - when she moans that we are going on yet another holiday, I remind her that she has a choice, she earned almost £10k last year in her pt job and all she has to show for it is a wardrobe full of clothes and expensive shoes, that could have paid her fees and her rent instead of using her student loan.

I am a bit that her bf gets his fees and rent paid by his dad so he will come out with no debts though.

No way are we sacrificing our quality of life to ensure our DD has no student debts - she doesn't have to live away from home, her Uni is only 40 miles away and she's only there 3 days a week so she could easily live at home.

"he will be going on the train I reckon. No neighbours who we could say' hey drive us 300 miles please!'
Who has neighbours like that?"

I would do it if I was your neighbour . Our neighbours ask us for favours and we're happy to oblige, although it is usually more along the lines of 'will you feed the cat whilst we're on holiday' or 'would you sit with the baby whilst I nip out to run an errand', that sort of thing.

I went on the train a couple of times but found it hard work carrying books (although I did do the 'helpless female' looking a bit feeble thing so that someone would lift my cases onto the train and off at the other end...)

YANBU as long as you aren't overflowing in money!

Just send shopping regualrly or pay for something specific but don't give money unless you trust them not to drink it all!

I was pissed off when I looked into to going to UNi at 20 to find out that they wanted to know my parents income! I had left home 2 years earlier and was living with my boyfriend & engaged to be married.

We drove my sister from Somerset to Ipswich when I was 30+ weeks pregnant with ds1, as the otehr sister didn't fancy it. IIRC that was two weeks before I developed problems with the pregnancy

Riven I would seriously consider offering you a lift - I'm not too far from Bristol. But that isn't a promise. And the offer wouldn't be valid if your ds decided to go to Aberdeen.

OP, YANBU. If you can't afford it, you just can't.
Might you be able to give him a v small allowance that amounts to what he costs to feed and clothe and take in day trips now? That would be a support and not increase you current expenditure.
They have to grow up and be self-sufficient at some stage, but knowing that parents are 100% behind thier education means a lot. Which can be expressed in all sorts of ways, of course, but a tenner a week means a lot to a student.