Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset at friends for not coming to visit when we agreed the date 3 months ago?

36 replies

hatwoman · 11/04/2010 23:15

having moved to the country-side I invited a group of my oldest and dearest friends to come and stay for a weekend. we managed to find a date we could all make so put it in our diaries. so I thought. 2 weeks before the date I send an email. one family can't now come - they've got family coming to visit. I feel really quite upset, and a bit mystified to be honest. we don't get together much - usual story of kids, work, distance etc etc and I was really looking forward to this weekend. I haven't replied to the email that confirms they're not coming - (it was a two-stage let down) I don't really know what to say tbh.

OP posts:
Phrenology · 11/04/2010 23:17

Maybe they are just not that into you.

Clayhead · 11/04/2010 23:19

YANBU. Upsetting which ever way you look at it.

Thediaryofanobody · 11/04/2010 23:20

There is no need to be nasty Phrenology.

If there good friends I'd email back and let them know you feel hurt as you had already made arrangements.
Yanbu.

barefootinthepark · 11/04/2010 23:21

People are lazy I'm afraid. Even friends can be lazy.

I wouldn't reply to the mail but I'm really petty and childish sometimes.

Ponders · 11/04/2010 23:21

Maybe their other family visit was on a date they could do nothing about? And maybe visiting you all together was a bit much for them?

Can the other friends still come? If so I think I would try to concentrate on that, & rearrange a visit for the ones who can't make it...

It may not be personal at all. Give them a chance!

SpiritualKnot · 11/04/2010 23:23

That's kind, Phrenology!

My brother and family did the same to me over the summer. I booked time off work and everything and then at the last minute they said they were going to visit my other brother in London instead,what I had thought was a firm date wasn't in their minds. Didn't make a big thing of it, but was dissapointed.

Doesn't mean they're "not that into you", just means they thought it was a casual arrangement. Are other people still coming? Mak sure they have a FANTASTIC time so the other family feel all jealous!

SK

hatwoman · 11/04/2010 23:24

the annoying thing is that they're part of a bigger group, iyswim, and had I known they weren;t coming we could've invited someone else instead.

OP posts:
phoenixflower · 11/04/2010 23:25

YANBU to be upset, that's totally understandable.

Enjoy the family that can still come and arrange another time with the family that now can't make it. Yes it's dissapointing but don't let it ruin your friendship or cause tension/upset.

Send a reply saying you're sorry they can't make it and is there another date they could make.

Abundantia · 11/04/2010 23:30

I'm not surprised you're upset. They should have contacted you as soon as they knew there was a problem with the date.

hatwoman · 11/04/2010 23:32

thanks for the positive replies. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. and people are right that we should enjoy this weekend and arrange another one.

I think I'm just feeling a bit old and philosophical/introspective about it all.

OP posts:
phoenixflower · 11/04/2010 23:37

hatwoman - you have every right to feel that way. I see where you are coming from, I have been let down like that in the past and it really is not a nice feeling, whatever the reason for the let down.

Salbysea · 11/04/2010 23:40

understandable to be upset, but possibly you're putting more into the whole weekend than you would otherwise

you've moved to the country-side, is this weekend more to you than friends getting together? i.e proof that your old life / circle of friends are still there despite the change in your circumstances

I remember being VERY upset about a best friend canceling on visiting on my birthday one year - I had recently moved away from home to a new city and had very new friends and felt a bit ashamed and hurt that my old friend wasn't going to show (I don't even remember the excuse, I'm sure it was valid). She's not coming to my birthday this but I am not even slightly hurt, she cant make it, I have plenty of established friends here to celebrate with this time though! Something else came up, that's life, I will still have fun and whilst it would be nice to see her, I wont miss her on the night

See what I mean? Its a weekend with friends to them but so much more to you IYKWIM because of the move?

They may well have had no choice in the matter. Some family members announce their visits rather than arrange them! Dont worry! I'm sure they still love you x

hatwoman · 11/04/2010 23:52

thanks again. I'm off to bed now and will ponder what you said salbysea. there may be something in it. in actual fact our move shouldn't really have had that effect - because we didn;t live very close to them before we moved. closer than we do now, yes, but it's not like we saw them particularly regularly. but there could just be a bit of truth in what you said. thank you.

OP posts:
zipzap · 12/04/2010 00:52

Might be worth replying and saying that you are upset they can't make it and that it is a shame they weren't able to let you know as soon as they had a change of plans so you could have invited someone else or seen if there was a different date when everybody was available.

but that you hope they have a good weekend, you'll have a drink for them and will look forward to seeing them soon.

So hopefully they will realise that they have been rude and not make the same mistake again but know that you are all still friends!

hope the rest of the weekend goes well.

Do you think they accidentally double booked - it's easily done if you are talking about dates a month or two in advance, you sort something out for June 15th, your husband sorts something out for the third weekend in june, you both have your own thing in your diary, one gets onto the calendar, the other person looks to put their thing on the calendar, sees writing on it from a distance so thinks great, oh has written down that weekend on calendar without checking what was actually written and then you only discover closer to the date.

Or we once had family party - my mum had organised, a house - cooling party to celebrate moving out of much loved house to a new one. DH's dad had said he was having a family party in june, just waiting to confirm dates. dh promises we will go, as we don't have anything else on as he has forgotten about my mum's party. And it's very important to my dh that I go as he rarely gets to see his dad, maybe once every two or three years. So I agree, with the provisio that it is not the same weekend as mum's party - which of course it is. We ended up going to our own parent's party, luckily it was pre kids so didn't have to make them choose or decide for them which they had to go to.

But I think that we all ended up feeling a bit aggrieved by it - me and my mum because my dh had already said we would to her party (which was very important to her and me) and he changed his mind when something else came up. dh becuase we so rarely got to see his dad or many of his family so he wanted us both to be there as it was important to him and thought that it was so important that there couldn't be anything that was as important that couldn't be changed or apologised for not going to. dh's dad because dh had already said that we would both go before we had been given the final date and so he felt I was rejecting his family (even though I'd already told dh that we had already committed to that weekend and he hadn't passed the message on when asked about available dates)

so I guess what I am trying to say is that it is easy for dates to get double booked without there being any malice behind it, everybody gets to be upset but hopefully you will have a fab weekend and they will miss being with you.

gtamom · 12/04/2010 05:16

Yanbu, to be disappointed that they can't make it. I wouldn't waste energy being upset over it, life happens, and sometimes plans change.
Hopefully they can make it another time, even if the group won't be there.

I hope you have a great reunion and enjoy your week-end with the friends who are going to be there.

GinSlinger · 12/04/2010 05:23

I agree with zipzap about emailing them. I would be very upset if people had accepted an invitation to stay with me and then cancelled like this.

coralanne · 12/04/2010 06:13

It's a bit like a wedding. It's of the utmost importance to the couple concerned and the buildup is tremendous.

Unfortunately it's only a little blip on the radar to most the guests and they re probably completely unaware of how disappointed you are.

lolapoppins · 12/04/2010 07:22

It's not easy when you move away from friends.

We did the same thing moved away to the countryside just over three years ago. Same thing has happened to is over and over, people saying they will come and then canciling. I have found that with us, as it gets nearer the time that people can't facethe drive up with kids etc (about 3-4 hours for our freinds) and mostof them have realised the part of the country we live in, while beautiful, is staggerigly boring.

I am going back to the town I lived in this week with ds to visi all of them as I am deperate not toose touch.

EggyAllenPoe · 12/04/2010 07:38

well, i think sinc ethe happy days of being at the same university I have undergone this same disappointment many times over - dates arranged and then at the last moment, one, some or all comers bow out, thus making actual meets rare and exciting pleasures. That was the case even before i had kids, now we only see each other at weddings....

it sucks, but ultimtely you have to be gracious about it as bad blood can only lose you a valued friend.

i think it particularly hurts when the meeting seems to mean less to your friends than it does to you. At such a moment, one of my besties (herself the cause of many of the above disappointments, and a person with a very full social calendar) exclaimed 'Why is life so fucking painful??' to which i had no response. It just is. Once you grow up a bit it gets easier to be philosophical about it though.

girlsyearapart · 12/04/2010 07:54

yanbu- I almost lost a very good friend over same. She lives other end of the country and was down near me for a wedding.We had arranged ages in advance that we'd meet for brunch somewhere in between the venue and my house.

Probably exhanged about 10 texts about it up to day before. I was pg with dd2, we weren't in a great financial situation so had been looking forward to it/saving up and just before we were due to leave she text to say she was too hungover after the wedding to make it.

They already would've had to leave hotel and get in the car so I didn't see the big deal in meeting up as planned.

I didn't reply to the text cos I didn't want to say 'That's fine' when it wasn't or start a row over text.

We didn't speak for ages- the break came when I sent her messages when dd2 was born. It took 3 messages for her even to reply!

So true what eggy said it hurts when the meeting meant more to you than your friends..

Anyway hatwoman how are you? I'm so missing running. oh well roll on august when the baby comes.

EggyAllenPoe · 12/04/2010 08:06

and that's crap..just for a hangover, i mean it's not exactly life-threatening is it?

cpanda · 12/04/2010 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlsyearapart · 12/04/2010 08:14

I know- also could probably have guessed she'd be hungover the morning after a wedding

BikeRunSki · 12/04/2010 08:23

Oh Hatwoman, I know how you feel. I moved away from the south of England to the north 17 years ago. In that time we have week end visitors twice, apart from parents. Oh, and most friends came to our wedding but not all, claiming it was too far (2 hours from St Pancras!). Last year we invited all our southern friends to DS's Naming Ceremony. All said they'd come, organised caterers accordingly and all pulled out a few days before hand. We were left narked off and with a huge pile of strawberries and sandwiches. Most of them didn't even have the guts to actually speak to me and sent texts. They all say "Well you moved..." Get over it guys, it was 17 YEARS AGO! We go south about 3 or 4 times a year. They all say that it is lovely to see us, but don't appear to think that they too have access to the motorway network!

Fliight · 12/04/2010 08:24

Hatwoman, I'm so sorry, you must be feeling very sad about it.

For what it's worth, it almost certainly has nothing to do with whether they are 'into you' or not...I'm sure they are...but sometimes the concept of seeing an old friend is wonderful, while the reality of it is just really awkward.

I'm going to drag out the old wedding story again, forgive me, but you might remember that awful thread where my best friend recognised me on here and I'd been moaning about her... well, that was all about a wedding 5 or 6 years previously.

She and I had been very close friends for about 8 years when she got married, and I was meant to be her bridesmaid...but unfortunately I got pregnant about the same time she asked me, and was all over the place as I was on my own. I knew it was going to be almost impossible to get there, with an 8 week old baby, but I still wanted to...she kept saying 'don't decide now, tell me nearer the time' and I kept saying 'I think it's going to be too hard, but would still love to'.
In the end I didn't manage it. She was gutted and very angry, I was mortified and very upset. We fell out - and it took about a year for us to start speaking again.
I had never stopped loving her and wanting to be there for her, but just couldn't do it - and I think she understood this in the end, and I understood how I should have been clearer from the start, and had really let her down - and thank God we did make it up, because last year she got cancer, and she died in March.
I tried incredibly hard this time and hope that I proved my love for her during the months she was ill. I will never, ever forget her, and I hope she knew just how important she was to me through the 15 years we were close.

Keep hold, and never assume you have lost them because you are far away. x