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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at friends for not coming to visit when we agreed the date 3 months ago?

36 replies

hatwoman · 11/04/2010 23:15

having moved to the country-side I invited a group of my oldest and dearest friends to come and stay for a weekend. we managed to find a date we could all make so put it in our diaries. so I thought. 2 weeks before the date I send an email. one family can't now come - they've got family coming to visit. I feel really quite upset, and a bit mystified to be honest. we don't get together much - usual story of kids, work, distance etc etc and I was really looking forward to this weekend. I haven't replied to the email that confirms they're not coming - (it was a two-stage let down) I don't really know what to say tbh.

OP posts:

posieparker · 12/04/2010 08:26

I have loads of friends who are major let downs....I choose to think our friendship is not too fragile and can take the occasional let down....it might just be that they can't abide me though.

BRS....you chose to go North????? No wonder your friends don't visit.

bambipie · 12/04/2010 08:40

I would definately NOT tell them you are upset, although YANBU to be upset. Sometimes these things happen and if you make a big thing of it and make them feel guilty that's all a bit OTT IMO. I would probably cancel friends if it was the only chance I had to see my family, wouldn't mean my friends weren't important, just that my family are more important. They may well not have realised it was a set date - more of a penciled than a penned in date on the calendar.
Just tell them it's a shame, hope they enjoy seeing their family and let's fix another date.

Original poster

hatwoman · 12/04/2010 10:23

flight - trhat's a story to put things into perspective. so sorry you lost your friend.

girls - I'm better than I was in Jan but, I think, overdid the running in feb (tried to get straight back into my training schedule for that big race) and, as a result haven't felt up to much at all in March. went for a run last week and it was a bit grim but am going to try another one in a couple of days. hope you're ok?

everyone else - thanks for your overwhelmingly sensible advice.

OP posts:

fallon8 · 12/04/2010 10:29

A lot can happen in 3 months,maybe this friendship is drawing to a natural close,perhaps you dont much in common with them now. Just let it go, dont bother sking them again

Original poster

hatwoman · 12/04/2010 10:38

it's a friendship that has survived 21 years, far greater distances than currently, and far greater gaps between meetings. I think it'll survive this. which is little more than me being a bit stupid and precious.

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 12/04/2010 10:56

YANBU to be upset and I would be in this situation (have had similar things happen to). Don't think you are being stupid.

I would email, so you don't burst, but say you are 'disappointed' rather than upset, that they can't make the date as it had been the one everyone agreed on when it was first arranged. But you would really like to see them on a different date.

Then, either a) leave it completely and wait for them to contact you next time. If you are the contacters/arrangers of the group, though, this may not work - or b) invite them next time but be prepared for them to cancel - ie don't choose the weekend on the basis of when they can make it if there are differences between the group members' availability. Accept ahead of time that it's probably a lower priority for them and then if they come, great, if not it's what you expected anyway.

Salbysea · 12/04/2010 12:36

posieparker is right, some people are just unreliable!

have one friend who cancels at least 3/4 of the time - there are no guarentees with her, even if she has paid for tickets/trains/flights/accomodation etc you still often get a call anything up to an hour before the arranged meet up

I got annoyed / hurt /upset the first 3 times, then I told myself I had 3 choices

1 - keep relying on her and getting hurt each time
2- ditch the friendship
3 - dont expect any better from her, that way I cant be disappointed and if she DOES turn u pits a bonus

so I chose 3, I never make arrangements with JUST her that involve me paying a deposit or travelling anywhere - that way if she drops out the whole thing doesn't need to be cancelled. And if something else comes up when we've something planned I re-arrange HER and take the new invite

I'm glad I chose 3, because even though she lets me down regularly on fun things - when its something serious, she's the one who comes up trumps

porcamiseria · 12/04/2010 12:38

thats the problem with booking so far in advance, the law of sod comes to play. I actually try not to, as you get to the weekend and something comes up, always! . Disappointing, bu try not to take it personally

EggyAllenPoe · 12/04/2010 13:02

if these friends are anything like my bunch, if you don't book months in advance you have zero chance of getting anyone.

girlsyearapart · 12/04/2010 17:01

hat you're not being stupid or precious!

I am fine nearly 24 wks pg now. Keeping up with aerobics and body balance weekly plus dog walks but have major running envy when I see people go past..M.S symptoms all but disappear when pg though. (perhaps this why I seem to have been constantly pregnant for past 3.5 yrs )

BikeRunSki · 13/04/2010 11:09

Posie yes, I chose to go north. Went north to Uni and delibertaley didn't go back south. Apart from the let-old-friends, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have lots of lovely new northern friends now anyway.

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