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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my mum not to judge me?

39 replies

citybranch · 10/04/2010 08:22

My mum has been phoning me daily for the last week and all she wants to talk about is my son's limited diet (it is a worry to us all but it is an ongoing process and some days he is better than others) and my parenting techniques. It feels like we are going around the houses and she has a big criticism which she feels she can't voice. We only usually chat once a week so its unusual.

It's wearing me out.. I've just gone back to work last week after Mat Leave and I'm on very early shifts. I just want to spend my time with my DCs, as they have been missing me.

Why would she have suddenly chosen this week of all weeks to hassle me? My husband had his part time flexible working request turned down too. DS's eating has been selective for 2 years and he has improved slightly in the last 2 months, so why now?

She is making pointed comments, one after the other, like "he has the eating problem because you had your children too close together" Its a 2.5 yr age gap and the problem in fact began a year earlier. If I correct her, she accuses me of interrupting. We saw her in town and DS went all strange and shy and wouldn't say hello to her..... and it's because "you said he had to use a public toilet" (bizarre comment plucked from nowhere) and then she was all mock surprise "Oh DS actually looks quite healthy today". I retorted, "He is healthy, he always looks fine despite his diet, I think you expected him to look like a neglected child"

Now AIBU? She thinks I am. I am the most non-confrontational person but I just can't listen to these comments anymore. Why all the sudden opinions, sniping comments? I must have done something to trigger this but I can't think what. AIBU to expect some support after my return to work?

OP posts:
Earthstar · 10/04/2010 08:25

Why not tell how you feel ?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 10/04/2010 08:30

"What the HELL is your bloody problem?"

You need, with the best will in the world, love, to strap on a pair.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

So like Earthstar says - tell her. better that - and whatever might happen after that - is not going to be as bad as a constant drip drip drip of criticism which will slowly drain you of all confidence and ruin your relationship with your mother beyond repair.

Original poster
citybranch · 10/04/2010 08:33

I have, unfortunately it came out rather angrily. Apparently she has to go on about it because I don't listen. And just by getting angry with the constant sniping, I am proving that DS is not my priority.

He is of course, but as it is has been going on for 2 years now sometimes other things have to come to the forefront, e.g. concentrating on my return to work. I think if I spent morning until night stressing about my DS's diet I wouldn't even be able to deal with anything else!

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 10/04/2010 08:36

Tell her you have no intention of "listening to her" because a) it's your child and you'll raise him your way and b) she's talking shit.

tbh, I would be having the shut up or you are out of our lives talk.

Original poster
citybranch · 10/04/2010 08:37

Xposts Twopence.
Yes, a constant drip drip of criticism is exactly what it feels like. And it has only been just over a week of it!

I suppose that's why I find myself questioning myself.. because it is so unusual so I feel I've done something to trigger it.

OP posts:
Original poster
citybranch · 10/04/2010 08:41

Yes it is all shit.
She is no parenting guru, I am an only child and she wasn't involved in anyone else's upbringing. That said, I am willing to listen to anyone's advice but not the criticism.
She only sees my DCs once a month so she doesn't even know them that well IMO.

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 10/04/2010 08:42

Do you think it is because of the going back to work thing? Could she be judging that?

Not that it matters, in your shoes, I'd be telling her to butt out if she wanted to set foot in my home again!

thesecondcoming · 10/04/2010 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CwtchyMama · 10/04/2010 08:53

Agree with the others,you need to tell her you have no time to listen to her right now,tell her to stop criticising you & your ds.

If she starts again then i would interrupt & say if you carry on with this i will put the phone down,walk away.

Good luck op but you do need to put her straight.

2fedup · 10/04/2010 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
citybranch · 10/04/2010 09:01

Thanks, I'm glad people agree that it's a bit much.

I'm not sure if she's judging me going back to work. I earn a bit more than DH and we did the maths before we even decided to have another baby, it made sense for him to reduce hours. So its no new plan.

My DH thinks maybe she is a little jealous as she only ever had me, maybe she wanted 2 children. She does overly focus on my DS, doesn't really talk much about DD.

That reminds me, When I last saw her she had popped round while I was out and DH was home with DCs. I got in the door and DS was there to meet me, so I hugged him hello there. Then I walked in and picked DD up for a cuddle. straight away my mum started saying "i can't believe you cuddled DD first and not DS. No wonder he has problems" She had not seen me cuddle him!

aaaarrrghhh she is being a cow to me actually.

OP posts:
Shodan · 10/04/2010 09:03

There is another way, if you don't
feel like confronting her outright. I've used this on my own mother when even direct confrontation didn't work.

All you do is, when she says something you don't like, say nothing, let your eyes slide away then after a pause say something completely unconnected to her comment. Do it every single time.

People soon get tired of niggling at you if you don't respond.

(You have my sympathies, btw)

ImSoNotTelling · 10/04/2010 09:14

How strange that she is really into DS and not DD. And if you are an only child then that kind of reflects on you a bit (or is it just me that would think like that!).

I think she is being horrible, and you need to do something. Whether its the direct approach (which doesn't work at all with my own mum) or something like shodan says, but do something.

Bumperliouzzzzzz · 10/04/2010 09:15

I know how you feel a little, at the moment I have 'Well, Jenny does this with her two children, and they sleep beautifully.' 'Or Jenny managed to get Ben toilet trained by doing this'.

Jenny (not her real name) is my mum's partner's daughter in law. I have never met and nor do I appreciate constantly being compared to her. I don't need advice on what other parents are doing, that's why I have MN and my own friends.

You mum sounds like a PITA. It is very hard to get through to them though isn't it?

EggyAllenPoe · 10/04/2010 09:15

children being difficult about food is a pain, some just love eating the same things day in day out. DD is quite funny about food (and the gap between her and DS is 17 months) i actually think the narrow gap helps, as i can get baby DS to eat things, then she gives them a go....

on that point i think not only i she talking rubbish, but talking on a point where it should be obvious her input is Not Required. She is being very rude, and forgetting that your child is yours to deal with, and you are an adult whose feelings she should respect.

LittleMissHissyFit · 10/04/2010 09:19

Yeah, you need to get this woman at arms length at least. There ARE no problems that I can see here, but if she carries on, she will create them.

Sit her down and tell her how it is. Tell her you need to take a break from her unless she packs this bollocks in.

AliGrylls · 10/04/2010 09:25

I think it sounds like a control thing to me - she wants to show that she has control over her daughter. At least that is what it suggests to me.

She thinks she is helping but actually any problem there might be she is making worse because she is causing you stress.

I think it is time you told her that you love her and you want her to be involved but if she carries on the way she is it will only drive a wedge in your relationship.

By the way, all mothers do it a bit - my mum can't help telling me what I should be doing with DS.

IngridFletcher · 10/04/2010 09:29

Do you know why she only had one child? Was it a decision? I wonder if she takes you having two and making a good job of parenting them as a criticism of her choice. Maybe she is looking for things to criticise because of this. I think her remark about blaming the (very typical) age gap and her focus in the first born is telling.

catastrojb · 10/04/2010 09:31

Would she "listen" better if you wrote to her? It might help you to write it down as well, especially if you are worried about how things will come out (or might just help you work out what to say even if you never gave it to her).

Marjoriew · 10/04/2010 09:35

Tell her to mind her own knitting - that's what my kids would do if I interfered in their business with the grandchildren.
I had this with my ex MIL.
She always had her nose in my business and she was told, 'keep it up, you don't see the grandkids.' She kept it up, and she didn't see the grandkids. End of.

ppeatfruit · 10/04/2010 09:47

YANBU If your mum bought you up she should know that some DCs eat 'selectively' and its not a problem as you said he looks healthy and as long as he IS then what's the problem?

Is yr relationship with yr mum usually judgey? I know it's a hard habit to break.

Could it be that she disapproves of yr returning to work?

As one of the OPs said I think I'd say "It's my life. You are stressing me out, if you can't be supportive then don't call me"

Good luck

Original poster
citybranch · 10/04/2010 10:15

Thanks all for your input. I'll email her I think. I'm not very argumentative, but if I disagree with her she says I'm shouting at her(when maybe its just that I sound indignant) and if I correct her 'facts' she says i'm interrupting! So it's a bit one sided!

She is usually fairly supportive of me and doesn't usually judge me (to my face?). I suppose this is why i'm questioning it so much. She's pretty quick to judge others though, she reads a bit too much DM I think!

She never had a second DC because her marriage with my Dad fell apart when I was 2. However they did stay together until I was 15 which was pretty miserable from my point of view.

OP posts:
coralanne · 10/04/2010 10:19

Sounds as though your mum has too much time on her hands.

Be selective in what you tell her.

My mum lives 2.5 hours away from me and she rings once a week to ask if DS won football.

I usually say yes because she gets so disappointed if I say no.

Every now and then I throw in a no.

When she rings just say "I have to go now DS has just finished a massive baked dinner and I have to wsh up"

ChippingIn · 10/04/2010 14:30

You have my sympathy.

She is treating you like a child, it's time to put a stop to it.

'Apparently she has to go on cos I don't listen' - FGS - tell her she does not have to go on, because you have heard her - you simply don't agree and are doing it your way.

Your child, your turn to do it your way.

When she starts - talk over her - tell her that you do not want to hear it. If you are on the phone and she doesn't stop, repeat yourself - I don't want to hear it and if you keep going on about it I am going to hang up, and if she keeps on, hang up. If she is there in person just be quite firm with your 'I. Don't. Want. To. Hear. It.'

Be firm

Good Luck

Shaz10 · 10/04/2010 14:34

Unplug the phone.