to expect my mum not to judge me?

[citybranch]

My mum has been phoning me daily for the last week and all she wants to talk about is my son's limited diet (it is a worry to us all but it is an ongoing process and some days he is better than others) and my parenting techniques. It feels like we are going around the houses and she has a big criticism which she feels she can't voice. We only usually chat once a week so its unusual.

It's wearing me out.. I've just gone back to work last week after Mat Leave and I'm on very early shifts. I just want to spend my time with my DCs, as they have been missing me.

Why would she have suddenly chosen this week of all weeks to hassle me? My husband had his part time flexible working request turned down too. DS's eating has been selective for 2 years and he has improved slightly in the last 2 months, so why now?

She is making pointed comments, one after the other, like "he has the eating problem because you had your children too close together" Its a 2.5 yr age gap and the problem in fact began a year earlier. If I correct her, she accuses me of interrupting. We saw her in town and DS went all strange and shy and wouldn't say hello to her..... and it's because "you said he had to use a public toilet" (bizarre comment plucked from nowhere) and then she was all mock surprise "Oh DS actually looks quite healthy today". I retorted, "He is healthy, he always looks fine despite his diet, I think you expected him to look like a neglected child"

Now AIBU? She thinks I am. I am the most non-confrontational person but I just can't listen to these comments anymore. Why all the sudden opinions, sniping comments? I must have done something to trigger this but I can't think what. AIBU to expect some support after my return to work?

blimey she's being a complete bitch to you, isn't she?

Is she being otherwise her normal self? No other things she's doing that are new/out of character?

She seems to be her normal self otherwise. I don't know if there's something else going on in her life because we have not been able to discuss anything at all other than my son's eating problem.

I have just remembered one other thing. DS is usually very well behaved but is 3 so sometimes does like to test the boundaries and our method is to warn him twice, then if he takes no notice he goes to his room for a couple of mins (he comes down when he's ready and all is OK).
Sometimes he fights us but we take him up anyway.

So he was scratching the laminate floor up with a stone and was taken upstairs by me for a couple of minutes as he didn't stop when he was told to.

My mum referred to it in one of these many phone calls and told me she doesn't believe in 'half-beating-up children'. I was quite and laughed and said that taking a child to his room does not constitute a 'beating up'. But now when I think of it, and put it against the backdrop of the other comments I am very angry.

Is she picking a fight or what?

You wouldn't believe that she is usually quite normal and nice, would you?!

Just a thought, but did you mother have some kind of expectation that she would look after you DCs when you went back to work?

I'm wondering becuase it seems as though she has picked now to focus on this issue in particular and maybe thinks that you'll let her 'take over' and do a better job?

you = your x 2 - duh

No, she works herself. She has trouble managing them whenever she does have them. I can't really think of a reason.

My DD1 who is now 13, refused to eat as a toddler. My Mum blamed this all on me and my husband, accused me of deliberately starving her, giving her food that was disgusting etc etc The opinion of the dietician, GP, etc were all rubbish in her eyes. I think her hysterical reaction was initially provoked by anxiety about the situation. Maybe there were deeper psychological causes - she experienced starvation during WW2 in Holland.
Anyway to cut a long story short, please put your foot down now and tell your mum to butt out. The abuse (about various things most of them imaginary) has got worse and worse over the years and I have basically broken off contact. Like yours, my Mum used to be a nice person but has become an abusive monster. As an example, she drove me to feel utterly depressed and even suicidal - I nearly jumped out of the second floor window with DD1 when I was pregnant with DD2 - I couldn't stand her having a go at me any more and felt like an utter failure.
You have enough to deal with without listening to abuse from someone who is supposed to love and support you. Maybe tell her how much she is hurting you with her behaviour and say for the sake of your relationship she needs to keep a civil tongue in her head. You are an adult and she needs to treat you like one.

Gosh, Grovemum sorry to hear of your experience. It is so worrying for the mother when a child doesn't eat, and how we choose to parent is such an emotive topic. Having to go through it without support is awful.

I've emailed my mum, and she wrote back. She has kind of apologised (more of an 'i'm sorry you feel offended' type apology) but still maintains I have been rude, I have overreacted and put words in her mouth.

Time to get an incoming number display on the phone and to discourage visits by the sound of it.

I wouldn't say anything more atm, you have tried and she has shown she is not interested in listening to you. Very disappointing.

Whatever she thinks she should not have written that e-mail. She should have backed down quickly.

You hold the trump cards however and the power balance has shifted in your favour.

You need to be the grown up here and stand your ground. Don't let her treat you badly. Be calm and firm.

She will come round when she realises she has to be nice and polite in order to see the GC and her own daughter.

I know the GC deserve to see their GM but not while she upsets their mother.

I hope the situation improves quickly for you.

Turn it round on her, tell her you are very worried that she is acting and talking out of character. Ask her if there is anything worrying her and if so you would like to help. If all else fails tell her you think she is going senile

Yes, you are right about the power balance. If she can't be a big enough person to admit that she didn't think before she spoke then I suppose we won't be seeing as much of her for a little while.

And the funny thing is, DS just ate a little piece of egg for the first time. That's a big deal for him!

I really feel for you city. She is being utterly impossible and strange. And it seems so inexplicable. It is so awful that she's being so undermining of you - bizarre.

Good for you for e-mailing though - at least you have drawn a line in the sand for her now and hopefully she will realise she has gone too far.

Her phone calls etc do sound very obsessively anxious and somewhat disinhibited in what she is feeling free to say to you,which is what made me ask whether she's being out of character in other way - just rang bells re her mental health really.

Well done for dealing with her so assertively though.

Your mother is being totally unreasonable. If you feel like you HAVE to answer her calls then if she starts talking like this and abusing you then put the phone down - repeat until she gets the message.She may well stop speaking to you - but from your posts that may be a good thing for a while. People like this bring you down and they need to be told you wont stand for it.

Hooray for the egg!