To not want DB and girlfriend rolling up less than a week after DC2 is born?

[gaelicsheep]

They wouldn't be staying with us, but even so. I remember how hard things were after having DS. I don't want to deal with whole family here that soon. Is that really mean? How long would you want to leave it before you see people for more than a quick visit?

I saw my sister and her bf the day DS was born and also the day DD was born. Also Dh's brother and wife. I saw all other parents etc within the week.

But if you're not happy with it it is definitely up to you to decide what happens.

It's such a personal thing. If it seems too soon for you, then ask them to wait a little.

When DD was born we saw my parents and my PIL in the first week, everyone else in the second or third week and that was soon enough.

If they aren't staying with you I think itsfine
dh can take your eldest round to theirs or they can all take the baby in the pram for a walk while you have a nap
you don't need to make them dinner and endless cuppas

Do you not want anyone visiting or just them?

It's hard for people to wait, they get overexcited

If they don't live very close, hold off on the announcement for a week if you really really REALLY don't want people round.

They will be coming up from the Midlands and camping locally. Don't think they're just expecting to pop in for a cup of tea somehow.

I've only met his gf a couple of times and DB and I don't always see eye to eye, shall we say. Both are pretty immature and tactless and I can imagine having to drop many many hints if they overstay their welcome. There are friends I'd be a lot happier seeing, shall we say. The trouble is I know DB will take offence if I ask him to wait a bit.

I remember last time when it was just DB and my parents. There was me in bed, struggling to breastfeed and my DB picked an argument with my mum over how often she washed his hair when he was little.

My parents will be staying nearby to help out after the birth which is great, but they're pretty high maintenance too. Not sure I can cope with all of them again!

Sorry, have to go to bed soon as I'm knackered. So WWYD - risk offending DB and gf, or put up with it and hope it's not too bad?

I would definitly risk offending them, and did tell everyone after my second child was born that we would not be seeing anyone for 1 week. I had an emergency section with him and knew i would be shattered with a 17 month old and newborn at home.
I was worried about upsetting people and have always been the sort of person the please others before myself. But i beleve pregnancy and birth is the one time a woman can think of herself and the baby first.

You should tell him you;re not seeing people for a week after the birth, and arrange a date to fit him and his GF in. Don't back down, if he says things like "we won't stay long"

the only visitors we had before that week was my mom who lives locally and was looking after our 1st child. Plus my sister came to the hospital during strict visiting times, then i didn't have to do the throwing out.

Yes I think you're right. Ideally I'd like them to leave it a couple of weeks.

What's ringing alarm bells is that a) I heard first from my mum that they're planning to come up, b) that I asked her to ask him to leave it a while and c) I just received a FB message saying can't wait to see you in June. Baby is due 22nd. DB still hasn't contacted me to ask.

If they're not staying I would have found it okay, but if you don't that's your choice so call them now to reschedule it otherwise you risk them just turning up. You could just reply the fb message and say how about make it july, as we will be very busy @ first with newborn baby and getting used to the new family addition etc, just explain to them your reasons briefly and then say like you will send pics straight away, and looking forward to see them, but can they postpone the visit to a couple of weeks after? I don't think that will come across too rude.

You can do as Firawla says and then soften the blow a bit by saying something like - 'would hate not to be able to spend some proper quality time with you, which is more likely to happen if you come in July once things have settled down a bit'... flatter him a little.

Thanks. That sounds fine and unlikely to cause offence (although this is my DB we're talking about). I sound crazy I know, but I find the pair of them such hard work!

Not sure if you are having a planned cs or not but any chance of reminding him that dates are 'very vague' and it could be two or three weeks afterwards that new baby is actually born... And that if you end up having a CSection then you could well be in hospital for at least a week plus recuperation time at home. Harder toll on your body second time around so more recovery time plus extra stresses of looking after ds1.

OK so the above is probably a fairly generous timeline but I am guessing that he doesn't have children of his own from the way you write about him so he isn't likely to be up to date on the fact that they aren't likely to let you go past 2 weeks over or that they will do their best to kick you out a couple of days after a csection or who knows if it is easier or harder second time around... but it might help to persuade him to plan on coming later when the baby is actually born and settled rather than being available to turn up as soon as the baby arrives.

THe other tack to try is to say that, knowing how hard it was first time around and reckoning that it will be harder this time around, you want to try to spread your visitors out so that you get support over the first few weeks rather than trying to be a superhost to everyone straight away. So your dh has got a couple of weeks paternity leave, and then your mum/mil/whoever is going to come but you would love it if they came after that.

On the other hand, maybe you want short sharp burst of everyone together so that you can hide and leave them to amuse each other?

If you are happy for them to look after DS1, you can also start mentioning how fantastic it will be for ds1 to have uncle gsheep there to play with him while you have to spend hours locked away mumsnetting napping watching tv looking after and bonding with the new baby as you are really worried how you will cope looking after him when you know how much time new babies can tie you up for. and how much ds1 is looking forward to playing with uncle and uncle's gf, and comparing their cooking / story reading / football / nappy changing / etc etc to mummy's and so on... also might make them realise that maybe he has a different agenda for the visit than you do!

good luck having your baby and hope that it all goes ok afterwards...

Unsurprisingly bed hasn't happened yet. Thanks for the ideas zipzap. I'm not having a planned C-section (although after the last experience I kind of wish I was...). Very good point about the unpredictability. I think I'll suggest that they plan for early July to make sure they don't have to rearrange their leave etc. And, like you say, subtly plant the idea that occupying DS will be very welcome!

Ha ha - I took all your advice, composed the nicest email I could think of and guess what? I got a phone call tonight from my Mum (of all people) telling me how "disappointed" my DB is. I despair I really do, but I wasn't surprised in the least. Cue massive family row that lasted all evening.

AIBU to expect my DB to just occasionally speak to me himself instead of relaying things through my mum and dad. He is nearly 30 FGS!!

well it's not the end of the world if he's disappointed, he's got til July almost August to get over it....

who was rowing - your mum and you, or him as well?

What a bunch!

grrr people are so selfish, why dont they get it. do they have children yet?

My DS+DBIL are like this, wont take no for an answer and whats worse is they live hundreds of miles away so feel they need to come down for a week in B+B and spend every fecking waking moment with us. they dont have any children and I feel like growling -get your own and leave me in peace!

No they have no children, and no concept of what it's like to struggle to pay a mortgage and bring up a family. The row was between me and my mum, then DH and my dad (much worse!). Finally smoothed over between me and my dad, with mum still crying. Only by sending them the email that I sent DB did I get an acceptance that I am being perfectly reasonable.

I just wish DB would grow up and speak to me adult to adult! That's not too much to ask is it?

lol, dsis arrived to stay with her man in tow on the day we brought dd2 home from the hospital (she had been in scbu for 5 weeks).

it was... entertaining. but to be fair they didn't know we would be bringing her home that day when they arranged the trip.

it's all personal choice. but babysitters for siblings sounds great i seem to remember that dsis's chap spent most of the time on the computer....

Why was your mum crying because her adult son can't visit his nephew/neice when it suits him? She sounds a bit of a drama queen. My mum would have told my brother not to be so selfish.
It's not your fault your family are a bit over emotional about minor stuff.
I'd be phoning my brother and telling him not to go crying to mumy if he doesn't get his own way, and would have told my mum that I thought she shouldn't be involving herself in minor stuff that's between you and your brother as you are both adults.
There are alot of advantages in telling relatives a baby is due 2-3 weeks after it really is expected if they are selfish.

I'd send your brother another email saying exactly what you've just said here - "I just wish you (DB) would grow up and speak to me adult to adult! That's not too much to ask is it?" He sounds like a spoilt little brat.

I think my mum was crying because I told her in no uncertain terms that DB needs to grow up, he shouldn't be involving her, that we don't really have anything in common or get on that well, and that I'm pretty upset that he's offended after I tried so hard to be tactful. Oh, and DH called him a prick and she heard him.

But yes my family does get very emotional over minor stuff. It is not helped by the fact that DH speaks his mind in no uncertain terms. Especially when he's already concerned about mine and the baby's health after a load of other stuff that's been going on. My parents cannot deal with it at all.

I am very tempted to do as you say Franke, but I fear it would just make everything worse. I have yet to hear from DB directly.

OK, I need more help here please - I'm so crap at this. I've now had an email from DB saying he was offended because he wanted to be here the same time as my parents and me asking him to wait a while made him not feel part of my immediate family.

I need help to be tactful, because my first reaction is that actually he isn't part of my immediate family any more. My immediate family is DH, DS and DC2, closely followed by my parents - who are coming in order to help look after DS during and after the birth. DB and GF are next down the line. But surely he should also see himself as a separate entity from our parents at his age, and not feel that it still needs to be them, him and me as a unit.

I don't know what on earth to say to him basically.