Visitors/in laws after baby arrives

[clams]

Baby due in 2 weeks.

MiL has just called my parents (not me, god knows why) to complain that I don't ring her enough and that she doesn't know how I'm getting on (I speak to her about once a week but often avoid her calls as she wants to chat for 40 mins a day and is v overbearing. She lives about 4 hours drive away).

Now I'm hormonal probably but she is manipulative & this is her 1st grandchild - a few weeks ago she told DH that she was worried I am lonely on mat leave (I'm not) and that she was coming down for a week to help me. Her help involves standing on the back step smoking 50 fags a day (oh and trying to make me smoke) and giving constant advice that a less hardy soul could label as outright criticism. This didn't happen as I threatened divorce. A week later PiL came to stay & I asked them to not be in our house when the midwife came round (our place is tiny and it was the homebirth talk and I didn't want FiL sitting there whilst fanjo being discussed). She went in a right mood.

MiL also told my parents that she can understand that they can stay in our spare room as they're my parents (no plans made, she's just assuming they'll come) but that she will be getting a hotel nearby asap so they too can spend quality time with their 1st grandchild.

This is now a rant. Sorry. I know she wants to see her 1st grandchild but DH working away most of the time until May. How do I keep her at arms length and what is reasonable/unreasonable in terms of visitors post birth? Bearing in mind I'm very independent and don't want my own family overcrowding me too much either.

Hmmm. You need to approach this tactfully.

Tell her that she is welcome to stay for a few days (at B&B or wherever) but you want to get baby into a routine asap so will not be wanting the house bustling with people all day and tell her that you include your own parents in this. In fact, I'd stagger the visits. Your parents forst few days, the PiL take over for a few days when they go home.

You might be glad of the extra pair of hands when LO is actually here. I was so knackered during that first week that I would have let anyone take him off my hands for an hour so I could catch up on some sleep. But be firm about no smoking. Trying to get you to smoke indeed. Pfffft.

I think it is reasonable to ask for some quiet time after the initial post-birth excitement has calmed down, although you should be consistent and ask your family to give you space too.

Thanks ElleBing - I need to be tactful but I feel anything but. In my head she's now Olivia Soprano - on top of the smoking she keeps telling me that you should hit "bad" children and "always put jam on their dummies" (no wonder DH has such crappy teeth). Imagine Life on Mars but about parenting. Staggering visits and consistency...I'll try (best fake smile).

my mil does this too, calling my mum to complain about me! i thought she was the only one!!
i agree approaching tactfully is the best solution, you dont want to totally cut her off and as they are 4 hours away i doubt she can cause you much difficulty normally so try to put up with a bit just to keep them happy as you know its only a short term thing and they will be back to their own place leaving you to get on with things how you like. however if they are too out of line, then obviously you need to put your foot down. the smoking i would say tell her totally no smoking on your premises if you are not happy with it, if she gets in a mood that is her problem it is a reasonable request, and get dh to back you up on all of that.
the criticising comments you should probably tackle too as no doubt that will increase once the baby is here (my mil also does this so i really sympathise)
why not a comprimise they can come and stay in a b&b (atleast they dont want to stay in your house, could be worse!) but if they want to stay a week it would need 2 b on understanding that they wont be round your house every single day. they would be better coming @ a time when your dh is available so that he could help out occupying them a bit. how about if they do come @ same time as your parents, try to send them all off on a few outings or something? as you said dont want your own parents crowding either, so are there are sights to see or anything in your area, pack them all off 2 go and do something like that, tell pil it should be like a holiday for them too so they should go out and enjoy themselves, and also you and baby just want to have a rest at home? are they expecting to just come and sit round your house all day as i dont see how that would help at all??
hopefully it will go better than you expect, if they are too overbearing you dh may need to step in and tell them tactfully to cut visit short and leave it til later, or if you really really do not want her to come down straight away (although if she wants to stay b&b and just to see grandchild straight away it may be okay just let them stay 1 or 2 days and go back, they will feel satisfied they saw the baby @ least?) but if you really dont want them to come straight away call up now and tell her but give another alternitive date which you prefer, like as you said may. although i dont think mil is being unreasonable just to come stay in b&b and see the baby and go back, if she does not come round your house all the time and force her 'help' but just a quick visit to see and go back

I wouldn't have anyone staying with me post birth. If need be, visitors should stay in a hotel (your own family included).

Regards to the unwanted advice, can you not be honest and tell her that times have changed? I did this with my own mum as I would have strangled her otherwise

oh god. Just wanted to say I really feel for you! I even old my mum the wrong date to keep her out of my hair. Hope you get through it.

Just whack your kid. The jam will shut it up. No problems.

Jam on dummies?

Well, why didn;t you tell us this before? Tact = out of the window. tell her to fuck the fuck off and fuck off again when she gets there.

Jam on dummies. Jesus bloody christ.

Firawala - another one, ringing your mum? I'm sorry, are we 6 y.o.? She is like Japanese Rootwood, if she gets in the house she will stay. She won't walk anywhere, won't go on public transport and won't go to restaurants since the smoking ban so an itinerary hopeless. But 2 days, at a B&B I might live with.

GotW - I will have to persevere with bringing her into the modern age. When she told me not to bother with breastfeeding (I swear, I'm not making this up) I said, "oh they say you should at least try these days because it's good for the baby" in a nice way. She gave me a lecture on getting saggy tits

ElleBing - thanks so much for making me laugh. If it wasn't for DH I swear I'd have headbutted her years ago.

120 - the wrong date? Total genius. Oh god why didn't I think of that months ago???

"She gave me a lecture on getting saggy tits"

She sounds kind of brilliant.

Sorry, I'm sure she's hard to take, but your descriptions of her are hilarious.

Do you want your parents to come and stay with you around the time of the birth?

The problem with staggered visits is that you then get into huffs over which GPs meet the baby first, and you have to wait even longer until you get some (very welcome IME) time with just you, DH and DC.

I would recommend letting both sets of parents come (at the same time, neither staying with you) quite soon after the baby comes so they can meet him or her and revel in all the excitement. Then ask that they give you all some time to get to know one another and figure things out. Say that you will be in touch about longer visits when you feel up to it.

You will know when you are ready to enjoy having visitors again.

I said no visits to anyone for the first week. told them they could see photos. by email. like everyone else. Then visit when I was ready and strong enough. And had invited them. Got a few huffs, but it was bloody worth it.

You have my sympathies. My MIL was the same. Luckily (?) I had a planned CS with the 2nd one and told DH they could stay in our house whilst I was in hospital but once I came home they were out. (They live 200 miles away - thank f**k).

She also was full of useful 1970s childrearing tips. A couple of gins to calm your baby when it was kicking too much when you're pregnant. And the classic - put a bit of honey on your nipples to encourage the baby to feed. She did that apparently. Ugh - minging, I didn't know what to say!

Love the japanese Rootwood comment Clams

Skidoodly - she is brilliant, if you made a TV show about her it'd be a smash hit. She is also a nightmare. I take your comments about not choosing parents over in laws with staggered visits.

DH is speaking to her this weekend to say that (all going ok) they and my parents can come for the weekend after baby born at same time and stay in hotel. This will have smaller (nuclear) fallout.

Minko - I'm so sorry, you have my sympathies. I haven't heard the gin one, although a sherry before breastfeeding (if you must breastfeed) to make the baby sleep is another classic. Perhaps we should join forces and write the 70's guide to childrearing.

Rookiemater - I have loads more insults where that came from but I'm suddenly scared that they'll identify her if I go down the personal insult track. God, the fallout from that...

My MIL is the same - tell her to F off!!! I had two weeks of constant visits whilst struggling with BFing I got to my wits end and wish I had spoken my mind - they will respect you for it in the long run and think twice about trying to railroad you - you are going through a lifechange and they do not have the right to manipulate you. sorry if this sounds harsh but I have been there Clams. Your DH sounds like he will "handle them" - try and work out a sign you can give him when they are there if you need to get them out which he can then act on for you.

XX

Clams Gosh you have my sympathies, the first thing my Mum told me when I told her I was pregnant was that she was coming into the delivery suite with me. I have seen the facebook countdown done by other people and they then go obviously silent when they've gone to have LO and EVERYBODY knows. My Mum has spies everywhere, no one will know I have gone into labour or had the baby until at least a week has passed. Seriously, she would just turn up with a suitcase and then cry if I don't let her in the house. At least yours would ask.

Minko Ewwww!! Thats horrid.

My Mums already come out with such classics such as 'put baby rice in the bottle, gets them to sleep' and 'rub gin on gums to help with teething'.

Making me chuckle now with my moan r.e. in-laws who show no interest... when DD2 was born - PIL finally visited 5 weeks after the birth... well at least DD2 was smiling by then!!!

With DD1 MIL was very derogatory about our hospital being so pro-breast-feeding... she was more than happy to ram a bottle down DD1's throat - though she didn't get a chance - I BF for a year (much to her dismay!)

With people like this, I revert to the response "Hmmmmmm" which hopefully implies that I am kind of listening, but that I'm not prepared to get into a discussion with you about it. Eventually even they get sick of the sound of their own voice and my vague non-commital (actually it also means I can think about other things and just tune them out) and they shut up, having imparted as much advice as they see fit. meanwhile, in my head, I have been happily planning the menu for the next week, or fantasising about how far I will move away from them when I win the lottery.

Jjj - the "hmmmm" response does drive her insane as she likes to garner a reaction and I have used it successfully in the past. But at the moment I feel more like deploying Ironingisboring's response of f off as I'm near the end of my tether.

Now my sister has told me some of the other things she said to my Mum(comments that I am responsible for DH's indigestion as I cook too late, etc, etc - these aren't things my mum would even know about and sound like they came exactly from her mouth) I feel even more annoyed. Which is stupid at 38 weeks pregnant to let her wind me up like this.

(Hermya321, you need some friends to keep making things up on fb when you go into labour! "Lovely to see you for coffee, you're looking so well...!" and ahwe11 I'll swap with you. A congrats card with a tenner in and their move to Outer Mongolia would suit me down to the ground.)

my in-laws refused to visit, we had to go to them. fine, no problem, but, they lived a 5hr drive away, i had an elsc so could not drive for 5wks (dh did not drive then). we got earache because i apparently had done them out of seeing the newborn, and then more because the drive took longer than expected due to traffic and cos i had to stop regularly to bf. my MIL is a pain in the tubes, thank god we now live 5000 miles away, she moans by email cos we only go to uk every two years and she 'can't' get on a plane.

How unreasonable & how lucky that she can't get on a place - is she BA Baracus

I think your mil calling your parents to moan about you it out of order. Get your mum to stop her doing that.

It's hard when ou have a baby - on the one hand you feel very very protective towards your child and on the other you probably need some assistance in the home.

My experience is this - if you need help ask for it. If people want to come and stay and can't help then they will actually be a hinderance (my mil decended for 3 weeks and is very high maintenance as doesn't speak the lingo, dh was working (like yours) so actually I had a new baby and her to look after and it was truly hell on earth and yep, she was manipulative, no boundaries and a controlling undermining cow. If I had my time again I'd prefer to be alone it would be far easier in my situation.

You decide whether she can help or whether she would, in fact, be a burden and tackle it accordingly. But she is a granny and so will want to see your child and you should accommodate this but on your terms.

Dear Clams,

You have my total sympathy as I have a difficult MIL (and glad that my DH fell out with her 2 months ago and still have no contact between us and her and I am 5 mths pregnant, so can do without that as well ).

Can you make up a story like you need the spare bedroom as midnight feeding session? You didn't want to wake your DH up in the middle of the night as you will need to BF the baby every 2 hours for the first few weeks, so you would rather sleep in the spare bedroom and let your DH has decent sleep.

With a new born, the last things you need is someone (esp. your MIL) telling you how to lead your life...... as if you didn't have enough on your plate already. It is hard not to get yourself wind up about this because we (as pregnant woman) is hormonal and every little things get on our nerve!!!

Also, make it plain to your husband that you will be too tired as you are planning to BF (technically he will have very little to do with feeding the baby then) and you can do without anyone staying over in the house. Hopefully he will understand.

It's good that you let your steam out in this forum, I find it very helpful as there is only so much you could say to your husband (and man's opinion doesn't really help....).

Put your foot down and insist having no sleep over visitor as at the end of the day, you will be driving yourself up the wall (and your DH won't be much help as it's his mother) and you will have to put up with all those nonsense.

Hope you do feel better in no time .

Giveitago - you sound more reasonable than me, I think I would have a breakdown if I had her for 3 weeks. I would just like my mum or sister to stay to help straight after and then visitors a week or so later but she has now convinced DH that will be us choosing my family over his. I am seriously tempted to ban everyone and waste money we haven't got on a doula.

MiL spoke to DH yesterday and although he knows she's nuts he did say he felt sad that she feels excluded. I thought I was going to spit out "emotional blackmail" like I had Tourettes but I bit my tongue. MeghanMc - you're right, it's great I can moan here as I'd sound obsessed out there in the real world!