Visitors/in laws after baby arrives

[clams]

Baby due in 2 weeks.

MiL has just called my parents (not me, god knows why) to complain that I don't ring her enough and that she doesn't know how I'm getting on (I speak to her about once a week but often avoid her calls as she wants to chat for 40 mins a day and is v overbearing. She lives about 4 hours drive away).

Now I'm hormonal probably but she is manipulative & this is her 1st grandchild - a few weeks ago she told DH that she was worried I am lonely on mat leave (I'm not) and that she was coming down for a week to help me. Her help involves standing on the back step smoking 50 fags a day (oh and trying to make me smoke) and giving constant advice that a less hardy soul could label as outright criticism. This didn't happen as I threatened divorce. A week later PiL came to stay & I asked them to not be in our house when the midwife came round (our place is tiny and it was the homebirth talk and I didn't want FiL sitting there whilst fanjo being discussed). She went in a right mood.

MiL also told my parents that she can understand that they can stay in our spare room as they're my parents (no plans made, she's just assuming they'll come) but that she will be getting a hotel nearby asap so they too can spend quality time with their 1st grandchild.

This is now a rant. Sorry. I know she wants to see her 1st grandchild but DH working away most of the time until May. How do I keep her at arms length and what is reasonable/unreasonable in terms of visitors post birth? Bearing in mind I'm very independent and don't want my own family overcrowding me too much either.

I dont really have any advice on how to approach it but just to say you will regret it if you do give in and have her, or others round stright after the birth if you arent happy with it. My daughter is four now and I am STILL reduced to tears and bitterness because the day she was born (came sttright home) my daughters dad invited his parents, aunty and uncle, their kids and my mum round. He was so busy showing off baby I spent the day making tea and biscuits (i between yelping in pain with stitches and piles!)

It was awful... You have to do what is right for you. It is a wonderful but very emotional a fraught time for you and baby.

Foureleven is right.

The bitterness stays and stays. It's harsh but the majority of people will want their own family around as they know you. But at the same time she would feel exlcuded.

In your case your mil is being manipulative and bang out of order talking to your mum about you that way - but how on earth do you stop her.

But honestly when you have a newborn on your hands anyone who doesn't help is then just an extra person to look after and you don't need it.

What does you mum say when she phones her?

"I would just like my mum or sister to stay to help straight after and then visitors a week or so later but she has now convinced DH that will be us choosing my family over his."

No, no, no.

Having a close female relative to help is NOT choosing your family over his, it's recognising that a mother needs lots of help in the early days after a baby is born.

What you've agreed re: visits the weekend after and staying hotels can still stand and is fair, but could certainly be supplemented with your mother or sister staying for a bit to help you. Talk to your DH again about this, he shouldn't be allowing her to convince him of anything. Your needs are what matter now and for the immediate future and his mother's idea of fairness is really not that important.

Sorry, I had the impression that you didn't want anyone staying with you after the birth.

I will suggest though that if you are lucky enough to have a mum or sister who is prepared to come and stay for a bit to help out, save them until your DH has gone back to work. Those days can be long and lonely and hard.

I agree with Skidooly about having the relative to stay after your dh returns to work. There really is no need for an extra pair of hands when both of you are at home together. I would have actually found having someone else in the house to be very intrusive. I had a csection so I suppose I had a longer recovery time but there isn't really that much help that you need. Once dh returned to work I did feel lonely at times and would have welcomed extra company then.

Do not let anyone stay post birth, I would get your DH to tell everyone one hour limit first day and then to leave you for a few days...

Thanks all. My DH has to go back to work within a couple of days, it was then I thought my mum or sister could come so I wasn't alone. Really appreciate your solidarity that I'm not a hormonal cow stealing people's grandchildren away from them. Couldn't sleep last night for thinking about this, which is ridiculous at this stage of pregnancy and trivial in bigger scheme I guess.

Cocolepew, my mum tries to make everyone happy (usually fails). MiL rarely rings her but on this occasion she was assertive (for her) and said I had always been independent and that she doesn't speak to my DH much either then they chatted for 40 minutes and she told my MiL loads of personal stuff about me . I've asked her not to do that again. She didn't tell me much of the conversation as she is a bit scared of MiL and the implications of a family row and frankly she feels sorry for my DH that his mum can be so toxic to him if not handled. My sister (who I trust) was at parents' when MiL called (she answered the phone to be told "get your mother now!" and was ) and relayed the conversation to me. Mum admitted all this when I quizzed her but told me not to rock the boat and that she is happy to stay away. Sorry, prob tmi there.

be firm , no visitors until you say ( you don't know yet how the birth will be or how you will feel afterwards) most def not staying guests, and I would make it perfectly clear she will not be able to smoke even on your doorstep. do you really want some old hag stinking of fags to be holding your precious newborn. She sounds an absolute nightmare. Don't budge on this one, and let your dh tell her all this , it is his mother after all

totally agree with previous. your new baby, your house, you rbirth. why do people forget how difficult those first few days can be just because they wantto see a newborn baby (which is, after all, of limited entertainment value)

Definitely say that no-one is staying in your house (PIL or your parents) and you probably need to be upfront that you don't want them around all day, every day. I found BFing really tough and ended up with my boobs out most of the day (as too sore to put a bra on!). Really wouldn't have wanted house guests of any sort.

I got in a real stress about my PIL and mum visiting and taking over. However, it all worked out fine, they visited sooner that I thought I'd have liked but it was okay. The only thing was that DH was quite firm about them leaving so we could all rest. That was the key.

Poor you.

One thing to help you, is to get the leaflet from MW/HV about smoking and cot death risk.

I think the advice is something like a smoker may NOT hold a baby until at least 20 minutes after their last cigarette (and they might even need to change their clothes too).

And, although everyone will love and adore your baby, you will need rest and privacy too (as you sit on your stitches and leave your sore nipples out in fresh air).

So, they can admire but then leave you in peace.

You are allowed to be PFB about it all. So what if you hurt their feelings a bit, you and the baby (and your DP!!) come first.

Gosh. Poor you. Visitors can be tiring enough.Esp straight post birth.
You really need to be upfront. Kind but direct. Dont be afraid to say to her.You are tired, you need time.And smoking no way not near the baby.Set her straight now on your relationship.Dont let her over step the mark.This is your baby and your first baby.Your bonding is the priority not others.
And you need rest, rest ,rest!

Keep it on your terms. Short visits when you are up to it, when you want.Not when she wwants.

It is difficult to balance wanting to be fair against choosing people who will support you. With DS1, my mum did see more of him, because when she came round, she brought shopping, helped out with laundry, washed up, etc - MIL would just sit on the sofa holding the baby and asking for cups of tea! (I had em-cs!)

Visitors can be surprisingly overwhelming in the first few days / weeks. You need to be able to sit around in stained pyjama bottoms with massive leaky boobs cuddling your baby without too much interruption

i am in the same situation so i am bookmarking this thread to show dh later as apparently "mil can't travel all that way and not stay here overnight!!"(5 hours away)

wanna bet?? i am not having useless mil dripping around the house all day when i have had a cs and will be bleeding like a stuck pig and will be trying to get a toddler used to the wriggling usurper of his mothers attention

Thanks all. I really appreciate the advice and support. DH definitely speaking to her tomorrow about visiting.

Tootyflooty & Nonnomum, the smoking thing is another battle, prob for another thread. I have never seen her go 30 mins without a cig - truly, no exaggeration. As I used to smoke socially she makes me out to be a hypocrite and as she smoked throughout pregnancies, etc, etc she thinks it poses no danger and nobody - not DH and certainly not FiL will ever pick her up on it as it'd make her furious.

I made a comment about the baby not sleeping in a smoky house if we stay at theirs to DH months ago and I'm sure he told her as shortly after there was a slew of insanity (or perhaps it was just a full moon ).

Please please please DO NOT have a smoker staying in the same house as a newborn.

And perhaps you can stay in hospital for a couple of nights (you might have to/need to) which might help, as they will only be able to visit during certain hours and you won't have to have that fight yourself? So, she's seen the baby, but can go home now!

If she wants to help, she can bring some homecooked meals for your freezer.

And, great if you can have your mother or sister to stay in those first few days. They can stick the "no visitors - mum and baby sleeping" sign up on the front door (or take it down when you are up!), can open the front door to all the pressies and post that arrives, let the MW in (who should still be visiting for at least ten days), rush out to get prescriptions (say, if you need antibiotics), obviously do ALL the housework and cooking etc and to take photos of you the birthing goddess and your lovely baby.

Can I just say that although a lot of this does sound nightmarish and you have my sympathies, I had the exact reverse scenario and it sucked! We adopted a 4 month old baby, and complying with social services guidelines meant that we weren't allowed any visitors for the first 2 weeks after he came home. It was awful. As a result, my husband's parents are really struggling to bond with our son, and we're still not allowed to have babysitters or leave him overnight anywhere... the flip side can be pretty bad too, and as annoying as family can be, they can also be an invaluable resource and support.

YANBU. Tell PILs that your midwife says you can only have visitors for 2 hours in the afternoon as you need rest and tell them they can call your MW if they don't like it(call their bluff). People seem to respect medical professionals when they won't believe their own DIL saying the same thing.

My own MIL was a PITA when I had my first- tried to move his head when I was BFing- because she "couldn't see his face". She insisted she was staying for a week post birth and when DH said no, said she would cut him off for life. We called her bluff, she toed the line. Second time round, everything was on our terms and everything was much better.

Visualise a scene in your head where you tell yours to fuck off and chuck her faggy baggage after her out the door. Then smile sweetly and return to Real Life. At least she's not local.

sterrryerryoh - I'm sorry, grass is always greener and all. I hope it all settles down & family get to bond with baby. And I'm sorry that I would want to swap right now because DH has now had MiL hang up on him because there is not a hotel near enough our house (erm, 2 miles) and she will visit when she wants. Sounds like your MiL's crappy threats NestaFiesta & we'll have to call her bluff too - FFS.

Tell MIL to back off until you are ready, say it to her face, with a smile. In 6 months you can put it down to hormones and make friends again....simples..

We fell out big style with PIL 10days before I gave birth to DD, as I was having a planned c section and they wanted to come and stay for a 'few days' the day I got home from hosp. They are the type who sit....and sit....and sit....and sit and do NOTHING to help. Surprisingly I told Dh I would cut off his nether regions if he didn't stand firm, and hey ho they had a hissy fit.

1 week before I gave birth we were smoothing over the waters.....unbelievable.

So, don't get into my situation, be firm, stand firm, be strong, it'll all be forgotten in 6months.

Remember Clams, that you hold all the cards. Its your child and if she wants to see him or her, she has to work around you. MILs seem to forget this and bulldoze everyone to get what they want. Stand firm. If she wants to see the GC, its how and when you say.

When my MIL threatended to cut DH off for life saying we were "spoiling it for her" (!), she realised she'd shot herself in the foot and was also cutting herself off from GS1. Soon changed her tune.

Your MIL is a bully, but at the end of the day- you've got what she wants. As beanpot says, it will blow over in 6 months. Good luck with everything- she is wrong to stress you out when you are PG!x

Crikey, if my (v nice) MIL rang my mother to complain about me the chill that would come back down the 'phone line would lose her an ear from frostbite.

Clams, promise us (and yourself) that you will not be bullied or cajoled into pandering to ANY relatives after the birth. Seriously, not suggesting rows etc but if you feel you're being pushed into looking after people, entertaining, having the baby passed around, taken out etc just take yourself and the baby off to bed and let DH deal with it. Perhaps get him to fit a lock on that bedroom door now?