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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

im sorry another mil one... but i do love her

48 replies

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 14:06

My MIL is lovely, always trying to help out and be useful but also has a tendancy to nag and tell me and DH how to live our lives. I was getting used to this as I've been getting it for 5 years now. Last night DH came home saying that MIL had been going on about me taking DS to toddler groups. She has been going on about this for quite some time. I have taken DS to baby and toddler groups but absolutely despise them. I go and try to speak to other mums, start up conversations but they just look at me and then continue chatting, i feel absolutely crap coming home from them so i don't bother going again.

I know that it is good for DS to socialise (he's 19 mnths) but regardless of how much of an effort i make, i don't seem to be able to even make aquaintences, nvm friends.

DH and I are both only children, so theres no cousins for ds, and no children in the family around the same age. No friends with children either

AIBU to be told that im being cruel to DS because i really dont want to go to these toddler groups and then get tetchy about it, or should i just suck it up and go..

(not that it matters but all the mums around here are about 10 years my senior, so look at me like i'm a wee girl (im 23) )

This morning she phoned me to ask if i wanted to go out with her but i declined as me and ds have an awful snuffle, and i wanted to stay in... cue feeling like im a dreadful mum because i dont take him out etc im depriving the wee soul, who is quite happy playing with all his toys and his mum

my first post, be gentle fellow mners

OP posts:

giveitago · 07/04/2010 14:12

Oh - dh and I in same position in that we have only child - plus we're old and no family nearby.
I also hated toddler groups - but you don't have to befriend anyone.

It's nice for your child to get out and about but they are not going to make lifelong friends at that age - it's more about you getting to have an adult convo.

What I did was go along buttake a book.

Ignore your mil.

violethill · 07/04/2010 14:13

Love the idea of going to toddler groups with a good book! Wish I'd done that. I loathed them!

giveitago · 07/04/2010 14:13

Oooh but it gets worse when they are bit bigger and at school/nurser - you have to FORCE yourself to be sociable with people you have zero in common with in the name of allowing your dc to have a social life.

It can be really painful.

And don't get me started on playdates.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 14:17

so im not depriving the poor wee soul atm by not taking him??? I do take him to the park and out and about, when DH is off for the weekend we do go to the local zoo etc, its just the groups i have issue with (im not a hermit )

OP posts:

saslou · 07/04/2010 14:22

YANBU. At this age children don't really play together, they just play alongside each other iyswim. If your child is happy then I think you should do what suits you. There will be plenty of time for him to socialize later on. perhaps when he is a bit bigger you can send him to nursery for couple of hours (you don't have to stay and try to converse with people you don't know/like). Your MIL means well but shouldn't guilt trip you into raising your baby the way she would. He is your child and you know yourself if he is happy. So long as you are playing with your baby, that is good enough for now. Don't let other people make you feel bad

Wanderingsheep · 07/04/2010 14:25

If you and your DS are happy then ignore your MIL.

My Mum keeps making me feel terrible as we have just moved to London from up North. It's only temporary but back home we do usually go to a group a day. Not neccessarily toddler groups but Sure Start groups etc. Now we are here I don't have any clue where any groups are so we have mainly just stayed in. When my Mum rings she's always saying, "is DGD ok? It's ashame, I'll bet she's bored. Oh and you've no garden for her to play in and she's no friends down there."

DD is fine! She paints, she plays playdough, she has her toys. She does ask if we are going to a group somedays but I think that that's because she's so used to going.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 14:26

he's quite the independent little boy, so he happily plays by himself most of the day with some games and song/story time with mum.

We are actually ttc no.2 atm so we have talked about the possibility of him going to nursery this time next year for a couple of hours

hes a very happy healthy boy. i suppose im just oversensitive about what people say, and feel like im a bad mum for not doing what other people think is right... hehe ( i do recognize that thats wrong)

DH is starting to side with mil on this particular subject now... i suppose i'll just have to remind him who's in charge of our lives.

OP posts:

giveitago · 07/04/2010 14:31

I found a job when ds was 15 months -so he went to nursery part time and it was perfect as he did come along there.

In my limited expereinces of being a mum to one child I'd say this - unless you are planning to keep him home with you until he starts school, I wouldn't worry too much. At 19 months he's probably going to play alongside rather than with other kids. But I found him being a social setting (in my ds case a bit of nursery)helped with his vocab as if I'm honest when I'm at home it's very much a domestic vocab so he knew every type of pasta shape but he didn't know for eg. parts of the body!

But I found being a mum very isolating at first and so nursery really helped me as I shifted the socialising over to them. Also getting an only child to share is a bit of a challenge!

You are not doing your son down at all but make the effort where you can. Believe me - my ds at state nursery now and starts school in sept and already I find the nursery run a bit of hassle - people talk and then ignore you etc. So I do a drop off, a pick up and that's pretty much it - my efforts have been somewhat fruitless but then my ds has friends that he has made and still gets invited to stuff which is nice for him.

Don't stress about it - I remember going to an nct coffee thing in the park - I got there a bit late and it was full of new mums harping on about breastfeeding and doing it with ease in the park - I was about to turn 40 with 30gg breasts and needed to be in a bed with 3 cushions and it would take about 5 minutes to get into a position where I wouldn't suffolcate ds.ey kept asking me if my baby was hungry and being really judgy for the fact I didn't just start feeding ds (how on earth could I?). I remember just staying 10 mins with that lot and then just walking out of the park. It was awful.
But on a brighter note as your ds gets bigger - all mums get more confident and have other topics of conversation on offer so the conversation is easier and less competitive!

Shoshe · 07/04/2010 14:34

Why not suggest MIL takes DS ti toddler group? Then you coyld have amorning to yourself, she would get her own way, and DS gets out.

(BTW, been Childminding for 30 years, and I have to be dragged kicking and screaming to a Toddler group, hate the bloody places)

motherbeyond · 07/04/2010 14:35

why don't you take him,have a cup of tea and just watch him play? you don't have to chat to the other mums if you don't want!

giveitago · 07/04/2010 14:35

Ignore your dh too - and DO NOT let him be a mouthpiece for mil. It happens often and builds up resentment - you are ds's mum and not mil so your dh should be united with you in his upbringing!

Enjoy your son - mine starts school in sept and I'm gobsmacked it seems like yesterday he was a wee baby. And we can't have more kids. So I'm in no real panic to ensure he has the best social life right yet!!!!

giveitago · 07/04/2010 14:38

Oh and wandering - I'm in London too - the most isolating place on earth for mums I think! At my playgroup everyone just got into their country of origin groups - I'd be approached by lots of people thinking I was from their country (I have one of those universal 'looks' I guess) and as soon as they realise I'm not they'd just lose interest and blank me.

Hence the book!

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 14:43

YANBU for hating toddler groups. I am in a similar situation to you, OP. I have no mates with kids close by so thought when I took DS to toddlers "great, I'm going to make some new friends!" not like that, is it? They're cliquey old bats. They look at me like I'm a little pramface (I'm 30 ) and therefore too young to join in their very serious chats about how much they enjoy making hummous from scratch for little Tilly and how much little Farquhart loves speaking in perfect french at any opportunity, grrrrr.

I digress.

You're not U for hating these places, but I forced myself to take LO along because he's an only child and he needs to know how to mix/share toys with others, especially since he has no other kids to play with in the way of cousins etc. When all is said and done, you're going for his benefit not yours. Take him. Ignore cliquey old bags and read a magazine.

Also, I'm on Netmums too (collective gasp from MNers) and I've made some friends on there. Give that a try, they have a local meet-a-mum board. HTH

KAEKAE · 07/04/2010 14:56

You are NOT be U. I detest toddler groups and I 've been to a few. What about soft play once in a while? Much nicer, cleaner and not as cliquey. I do agree though that children your LO age tend to just stand and look at one another rather than play together. My son is 2.7 and he is only just starting to play with other children. Also, agree with ElleBing as I'm also on Netmums and I've met some really good friends from there too.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 15:17

i am on netmums too, and went to one of the meetups. it was fine, just a big empty room for the children to play in, which i really enjoyed

(all the other toddler groups make kids sit down and sing songs, listen to a story, which would be fine but with everything going on my ds will not sit still for a minute)

unfortunatly because of lack of interest the chairmum of my area board gave up and now the thread is locked. so no more meetups.

When i did go to the nm meetup is was me, the chair mum and the right hand mum there so not surprising it didnt work out.

fwiw ive joined the mumsnet area board as well but seems to be pretty dead. i must be living in a really crap place hehe

OP posts:

Chulita · 07/04/2010 15:28

It's sad so many toddler groups are bitchy, we have 3 that I go to regularly and they're lovely. DD gets to stretch her legs and I've made a few friends. I did go to a couple that I didn't like so I stopped, I think it's worth trying out a few different ones if you can find them. Mind you, DD is very much a people person and is happiest when surrounded by faces so playing at home with me is hard work!
I think if your DS is happy playing by himself then YANBU for not going to groups that make you miserable. Nursery might be a happy compromise.

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 15:31

Where do you live, WitchyWooWoo? Just a general area, don't need your postcode.

I bloody hate the sit-down-with-crossed-legs-and-sing-to-the-kiddywinks time at toddlers. My LO and another tearaway are simply not interested in singing and they just want to play on the scooters. So the other mums do cats' bum mouth at my LO and i sit there looking like a divvy singing to myself. LOL!

Trikken · 07/04/2010 15:34

I hate them as well. I did the same thing, tried to go but considering no-one would talk to me (I tried to set up conversations) I didnt think it was worth it. plus he had better toys at home to play with. Now he is at playgroup he has made his own friends and hasnt been any worse off for not going to them.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 15:35

Live in Dundee Elle. I know! it seems so fake, and of course every other child is an angel, sitting singing and doing the actions to the right time while my ds bounces a plastic brick off my head.

OP posts:

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 15:39

Actual LOL @ bouncing plastic brick off your head.

The way I see it is this; I'm not forcing LO to sing Dingle Dangle fucking scarecrow if he prefers playing with scooters. He knows how to count to twenty and he can most most of his alphabet. I wouldn't want to sit and sing Dingle Dangle bloody Scarecrow either. It's ridiculous. He likes music that DH and I listen to but the playleader gives him odd looks when he says he wants to sing "rock out songs" (DH and I listen to a lot of guitar-based music ).

zam72 · 07/04/2010 15:46

For the most part I hated toddler groups when DS1 was similar age. It was like pulling teeth. And I felt like a mad loon crazily trying to smile at anyone who glanced in my vague direction (lol...maybe that's why they avoided me!). I met up with friends (with children) once a month I guess. And when he was 18mo he went to nursery 3 mornings, so socialised there as well. I also signed up for one activity - music class/swimming - it was much less scary than a toddler group. But I did that in some ways more for me to find friends in my area than for him (very sociable, independent fellow anyway!). Good suggestion to let your MIL take him if she fancies. Pre-school in time is a good idea for socialisation and as a settling in for school anyway.

saslou · 07/04/2010 15:50

Elle - the first song my ds1 knew all the words too was Radioheads Karma Police. Think I may have played it a bit too often so you are not the only one to despise dingle dangle scarecrow

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 15:54

That's much preferable to Dingle Dangle Scarecrow, Saslou.

This is unnecessrily bitchy I know, but some of the Boden mums (meooooooooooooow) actually seem to like singing these songs more than their DCs do. Weirdos.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 16:05

see its proof i dont go, i dont know the words to dingle dangle scarecrow!

DS has a penchant for lady gaga i dont think the supermums would approve of that.

OP posts:

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 16:10

I didn't know the words to DDS. Two years of toddlers has drummed it into me.

I got quite smug when I got to know all of the words, but last week the Boden mums surprised me with an extra verse of Ba Ba Black Sheep that I was thus far unaware of. I'm glad that they've found a way to make me feel inadequate again. They obviously felt a bit twitchy when I knew all of DDS.

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