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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

im sorry another mil one... but i do love her

48 replies

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 14:06

My MIL is lovely, always trying to help out and be useful but also has a tendancy to nag and tell me and DH how to live our lives. I was getting used to this as I've been getting it for 5 years now. Last night DH came home saying that MIL had been going on about me taking DS to toddler groups. She has been going on about this for quite some time. I have taken DS to baby and toddler groups but absolutely despise them. I go and try to speak to other mums, start up conversations but they just look at me and then continue chatting, i feel absolutely crap coming home from them so i don't bother going again.

I know that it is good for DS to socialise (he's 19 mnths) but regardless of how much of an effort i make, i don't seem to be able to even make aquaintences, nvm friends.

DH and I are both only children, so theres no cousins for ds, and no children in the family around the same age. No friends with children either

AIBU to be told that im being cruel to DS because i really dont want to go to these toddler groups and then get tetchy about it, or should i just suck it up and go..

(not that it matters but all the mums around here are about 10 years my senior, so look at me like i'm a wee girl (im 23) )

This morning she phoned me to ask if i wanted to go out with her but i declined as me and ds have an awful snuffle, and i wanted to stay in... cue feeling like im a dreadful mum because i dont take him out etc im depriving the wee soul, who is quite happy playing with all his toys and his mum

my first post, be gentle fellow mners

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Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 16:14

i wonder if they'll look back and think "i was an amazing mum, i knew the secret baa baa verse"

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Wanderingsheep · 07/04/2010 16:14

Oh no, I'm dreading trying groups around here now! The town where we live up North is so so small there's always a familiar face at the groups, if that makes sense. They can be cliquey but there's always someone there that I know.

I find it quite hard to talk to new people at times so it sounds like it might be hell!

saslou · 07/04/2010 16:18

It is hell and one of those things no one warns you about when you are pregnant.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/04/2010 16:19

YANBU. If you are happy at home/park with him, then you don't need to be going to toddler groups. He won't be missing out at this age. Later on, when he's 2.5 or 3 you might like to start him at playgroup for a few hours, as others have said. I did find this useful when DS2 was born, as it gave me some time alone with the baby, and DS1 a routine and friends to see.

I did go to toddler groups with DS1, but mainly because I needed to get out and about for the sake of my mental health, and I had a friend to go with. But DS1 found them a little overwhelming and could have done without it, frankly. I also went for a short time with DS2, but he used to get over-excited and bite other DCs, so we stopped.

You and your son sound perfectly content doing the things you do. Don't let anyone else tell you you are doing anything wrong !

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 16:21

Wanderingsheep, don't be scared. Not all toddler groups are cliquey twat-magnets, believe me/

But like I said to WWW, they really are for your LOs benefit not ours. We have our friends to get drunk with. It's unfair to expect their social time to be ours too. That's how I justify it anyway.

Wanderingsheep · 07/04/2010 16:24

I'm with you then OP. I'm not going to bother looking for one then! Unless someone can recommend a good book.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/04/2010 16:27

Well, why don't you try going with your mil if you get on well with her? that way she'll see you're making an effort to try these things (and possibly see for herself that they can be hellish) and you'll have some company to chat to.

For what it's worth I used to hate toddler groups because no-one used to speak to me, but I kept going and two things changed: different mums started coming as the first lot of mums kids started getting too old for the groups (so there were no cliques) and also as I just kept going I was a familiar face for them so they started talking to me.

Then I joined netmums local and met up with three lovely mums who didn't know each other either, and we meet up at two or three different groups in different combinations.

So I'm finally starting to enjoy toddler groups, not enjoying this week much as they're not on! aargh

Wanderingsheep · 07/04/2010 16:28

X-posts Elle!

I will give one a try when I find one to go to. I'm a CM back home (on a break ATM) so DD is used to being constantly surrounded by other children so I don't want her to get lonely. She's nearly 3 and does enjoy the company of other children.

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 16:35

This'll cause me to get flamed but I'd rather like to start up a non Boden mums toddler group where mums do not have to talk about feeding DCs dry rice cakes and DCs do not have to sing Dingle Dangle Scarecrow. And the mums can dunk their custard creams into their tea without Boden mummys doing cats bum mouth.

A toddlers group for the common people.

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 16:41

i think i might swear off them for a bit. i did meant a couple of mums at the nm's that i am still in vague contact with so i might just send them a note seeing if they fancy doing something together...

i think i can be too consumed by whats the "right thing" to do and whats the right thing to do iyswim

oh and hubby has phoned, and i spoke to him about this.. he basically said i was being crap because i wasn't letting DS have friends and i was an alright mum but could be better (in relation to groups)... i don't know whether to laugh or cry at that....

jamesandthegiantbanana... i do love my mil but that doesn't make me want to sit and feel like a failure in front of a group of strangers.. she has powers... spoooky powers

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JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/04/2010 16:45

ElleBing, you shouldn't be flamed for that, it's lovely when you find a relaxed toddler group where you can sit with a coffee and a biscuit and have a natter while the kids run round like loonies.

All the groups round here are into healthy eating, no hot drinks (won't somebody think of the children??) certainly no biccys, ushering your uninterested toddler to sit down and participate in fecking song time and story time and at my groups they also want you to play with your child while you're there.

Wtf do they think we do the rest of the time when we're stuck at home? I don't want to play with my child in the precious two hours I may get to actually chat to a real life person who isn't my dp! That's what the other kids are there for!

saslou · 07/04/2010 16:48

WWW- 2yr olds don't really have friends at this point. Your husband is being an arse and I would be inclined to tell him that if he thinks it is so imp then he can take the morning off work and attend said groups. Sounds like your MIL is dripping her views into his ears and you need to call a halt to this now or the pair of them will walk all over you,

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 16:51

You're so right, GiantBanana.

They do give out plain biscuits at my LOs toddlers but Boden mums get cats bum mouth about it. If it's a birthday, the mum of the birthday child can bring in a treat for the other kids, be it fairy cakes or whatever. One mum brought in some Cadbury's mini rolls last week which i have no problem with once in a while. One of the Boden mums was doing CBM as she unwrapped one for her DD and she said to another Boden mum "is it crueller to deny her one of these things or crueller to give her one?" FGS woman lighten up. Chocolate sponge cake. Not crack pipe.

Wanderingsheep · 07/04/2010 17:00

No biscuits!!!! oh fgs!

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 17:00

hehe any of you near dundee? we should start our own group, the primark mums

its difficult, dh is constantly in contact with mil as he works in the family business (NOT mafia.. i just realised how that sounded... although

i do understand where dh is coming from, maybe i just need to meet one mum with a similar aged child and let the dc play together, then all will be well...

pah easier said than done

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PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/04/2010 17:54

Try a library group. Our library has Rhyme Time, you don't have to talk to anyone but you do need to sing songs DD likes it and can sit with the other kids in the middle if she wants. Then you can tell MIL you're going out even if you just sit in the corner with DD and do the actions!

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 07/04/2010 19:35

the one i hated so much was a rhyme time purple i haven't found any so far that is just children being allowed to play for the session while the mums chat... i actually think i might be able to bear that a bit more

fwiw all the groups ive been to bar one have been the rhyme time sort of set up... DS has no patience for being patient, so they are hell for me

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Firawla · 07/04/2010 19:39

if he is happy not going and you dont like it then dont go, its not up to your mil.
i've got the opposite like i take mine but mil thinks they are full of germs and illness and that there's no need to go, but its your own choice if mil has some advice just say it once like suggest you to go, if you say no then she should just leave it. just ignore dont let it get to you
but btw i am 23 yrs too and people are okay, there are sometimes young parents groups under 25 if you prefer that? i find the surestart groups always quite friendly, BUT if you dont wana go then you dont wana go.. if you take him to park and out and about its not as if you have confined him as a prisoner in the home is it?? i wouldnt worry if i was you

KAEKAE · 07/04/2010 22:48

I don't know the words to the scary scarecrow song either...and I hate the singing at the end of toddler groups esp as my son loves to run off to play with the put away toys and then I am sat there without a child trying to mumble along...thanks son.

porcamiseria · 08/04/2010 09:44

toddler groups ming, MING. I am dreading having to face our local one when I go on mat leave, esp as the CM I sacked goes there with her hard core CM possee

cant MIL take him if shes that bothered??

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 08/04/2010 09:54

Firawla good advice but the only "young mums" club in my area are ones for under 21's and it was shown on The Secret Millionaire. lol. You let your child play, while you learn how to fill in cv's, learn how to cook etc, the way it is portrayed is how to get your life together after having a mistake

I had a chat with DH last night, basically said that we had decided that i was to be a stay at home mum, therefore i'm in control of decisions with DS during the day, and i'm doing a damn good job. He's happy, healthy and a little monster... which is what every parent wants for their children non? Then i said that any decisions we make about our life are ours, no one elses, and we have to learn to live our lives for ourselfs.. yes we can take advie but im not going to let anyone make me feel like im not doing right for my son.

He basically agreed with me and said as long as DS is happy and runs to greet him every night when he comes home from work (which he does every night) then he's happy.

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tvfriend · 08/04/2010 10:04

All your toddler groups sound very scary! I live in prime Boden/Bugaboo land in SW London and at the one I go to we have hot drinks, chocolate biscuits for all and no talk of home made cooking! We do have singing but half the kids are running round like loonies and noone minds.
Promise we're not at all cliquey either

Original poster

WitchyWooWoo · 08/04/2010 10:20

tvfriend sounds lovely! might have to move.. although an extreme measure to take so ds has some "friends"

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