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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SiL to be treating pregnancy like a meal ticket

38 replies

textpest · 07/04/2010 12:43

Right, my SiL to be has recently found out she is unexpectedly pregnant. She is mentally ill, on benefits and in an on/off relationship with a man who has allienated her family and friends and stolen money from her best friend.

Still we are all being positive about the new addition and are very happy for her as she had been told she was infertile however she seems to think that WE (her brother and I) should fork out for Nursery furniture and a pram plus clothes etc as she is 'on benefits' she also seems to think I should pay for her outfit for our wedding plus shoes etc plus an outfit for the baby and HIM plus her hotel room and travel (we are getting married where we live - they live about 90 miles away)

I have tried to discuss this with her to see if she is serious but she just says 'but we are skint' neither myself or my partner are on fantastic wages and although we have some savings, it is to pay for our honeymoon - he is already cracking under pressure to shell out for all her things. I am furious

OP posts:

Uriel · 07/04/2010 12:47

Won't she be entitled to a Sure Start Maternity Grant?

traceybath · 07/04/2010 12:49

Was going to say what uriel said.

And tell her about the wonderful world of ebay/car boots/freecycle etc.

BusyMissIzzy · 07/04/2010 12:50

I can sort of understand the wedding travel and/or accommodation (although to actually ask/expect, rather than wait for you to offer is a bit much), but the rest is crazy. YANBU. She is BVU.

pranma · 07/04/2010 12:51

She is certainly BVU.Just give what help you can and tell her you dont mind what she and her dp wear to the wedding but you will buy an outfit for the baby.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2010 12:53

I think the relevant issue here might be "mentally ill". Does she have issues that affect her social skills? I mean is she on the spectrum?

Offer to lend her an outfit for the wedding if necc. Baby doesn't need a wedding outfit. The rest is ridiculous.

Original poster

textpest · 07/04/2010 12:56

I have mentioned a maternity grant to her but she was quite evasive. I also mentioned ebay etc but just got 'I want all new, matching things' and wants us to 'give her the money' for things rather than buying presents. She has apparently said something similar to a few of her family members.

I feel like the wicked witch trying to spoil her fun

OP posts:

Original poster

textpest · 07/04/2010 13:01

No, she is very sociable and quite friendly but is also highly manipulative - she claims to have bi polar but a friend who is a psychiatric nurse thinks she may have a personality disorder plus mild clinical depression as she 'doesn't fit' bipolar (although it is admitedly a broad range).

She is being supported by her local social services but no one seems to know what for and was heavily medicated until she found out about the pregnancy.

OP posts:

starshaker · 07/04/2010 13:01

I am a single mum with twins on the way. I do not expect anybody help me financially at all. I will get the maternity grant and it should just about cover everything. The things it wont cover are on a nursery plan at mothercare and i make payments when i can afford them.

She is being seriously unreasonable and just plain taking the piss

Aussieng · 07/04/2010 13:24

She is being very unreasonable. I consider mmyself to have a very good job but nevertheless it is ebay, NCT sales and hand-me-downs from family for a lot of the big baby items.

Do you/your DP really want her to be at your wedding or feel that she needs to be?

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 13:29

so she obviously does have mental health issues that are serious and need medicating

that is a sepereate issue to wanting evrything matching and new for the baby...

she is being unreasonable, don't feel obliged to do that for her

give her mothercare vouchers to a value you can afford and at least then you have made a contribution to something for the baby rather than just giving her cash

the father of the baby should surely be the one getting some of the pressure

Firawla · 07/04/2010 13:32

when she asks you to get her things just keep giving her info like the maternity grant, that other 190 grant info, tell her to ask midwife for all the forms, tell her to sign up to freecycle etc, tell her if you see a good sale on
like maybe you can act as though you dont realise she is asking you to actually buy the stuff but just keep giving her the helpful advice? its very rude of anyone to just expect someone else to buy everything for them
if you have any things you have finished with from your kids and dont mind giving them, then it would be nice to give them but to buy all new for everything for someone else? thats crazy... like a normal present okay, but to buy the lot and totally kit them out?? no

OTTMummA · 07/04/2010 13:36

I am more concerned about the baby to be TBH!

Dispite it not being your responsability i would buy her what baby stuff i could needed items i mean, but not brand new as she/or partner would or could sell it for cash.

maybe her mental health issues stop or make it hard for her to fill forms out or make it hard for her to go and get professional assistance.

in that case i would phone SS and alert them to the current situation so a social worker can help get all the financial assistance she needs.

Pancakeflipper · 07/04/2010 14:12

Tell her you would happily take her to an NCT or other type of sale but you are not able to buy her babies things. Time for responsibility and all that... I presume her and the father of the child are on benefits? Then they need to be sassy and get looking at the second hand websites/postcards in the post office windows etc....

If they want the flash stuff then they need to pay for it.

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 07/04/2010 14:19

I never understand this "I want new, matching things" when you've not got the money - or when you have!

We've just bought a travel system from an NCT sale for £45, and another from a car boot sale for £35 (to go to my mum's), and each one would have cost £400+ new. That's around £700 "saved" which I can use to buy around 10 meals out for me and my husband, 40 sets of school uniforms, a week's holiday, a gift to my children's trust fund or a nice donation to my fav charity. I have stripped off the fabrics, popped them into the wash and lo and behold - good as new other than a bit of wear to the wheels. Well, that never happens when you've had a new one for a few weeks .

That's just the pram. I've done the same with my nursery stuff (what I didn't have from before), clothes, nappies (cloth), etc and borrowed as much stuff from people as possible. The cot is the one my husband slept in as a child . New mattress, obviously.

We "could" afford to buy everything new but why on earth would I want to do that and waste all that money? I'm hardly loving my child less .

I JUST do not understand it.

Longtalljosie · 07/04/2010 14:26

You need to nip this in the bud or you'll be shelling out until the baby graduates...

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 07/04/2010 14:29

Some people, usually of limited intelligence, see a direct correlation between how much actual cash they spend on their children and how much they love them. To people like this, "doing the best" for their kids means getting the most expensive pram, cot, clothes etc. Not giving them a good diet, reading to them, talking to them etc..

Lite · 07/04/2010 14:32

Clearly this is more to do with her control over you and your hubby, and nothing to do with material goods. She needs to be put on the naughty step and ignored. No discussion.

MrsGeek · 07/04/2010 14:35

Textpest - Hard as it is, just say 'no'. It'll be a buggy this time, school uniform next time etc etc.
Maybe make a point of saying you're really pleased that she is pg and you would love to buy her a gift to help her get her set up and then suggest an item that you have already decided would be in your budget. Then you are helping, but not accepting financial responsibility for her baby.

If she persists, could you point out that there are/were things you are going without because you aren't loaded and you agree it'd be lovely if everyone had everything they wanted in life!

Carrots I could have written your post, we could have bought everything new and it could be all matching and lovely but I'd much rather have the money in the bank or spent on other things. Other people really don't get it though, I get many looks from family.

pigletmania · 07/04/2010 14:41

YANBU if she chose to have a baby she should be able to support it herself, how selfish sorry but she is. She should have thought about it before laying down in bed with her dp. Tough if she cannot afford it than she cannot expect brand new matching baby stuff, we all want things that we cannot have thats life. People like this make me so . My SIL had mental health problems and physical long term disabilities, she was an alcoholic, and had a spending addiction to, and basically expected her children to look after her. When the oldest now 23 moved out she complained that her benefits would be cut. They have looked after her from when they were children and feel a sense of duty to her. She has recently died btw so at least they can have a life of their own now, sounds harsh but it is.

pigletmania · 07/04/2010 14:42

Just say no the first time or your will be see by her as a walking cashpoint and it will not stop.

Bumperliciouzzzzzz · 07/04/2010 14:43

Wedding and mental health issues aside I would say it's just tough about wanting new things.

We had a new pushchair/carseat and a new cot mattress, a few clothes, bibs etc., and a new steriliser. Pretty much everything else was second hand.

As for the wedding if you are feeling generous I would offer her money towards and outfit as a kind gift and offer to go halves on the travel costs. Baby can wear a babygro FFS and as for her DP why the hell would you buy him an outfit?

She sounds like a lot of work - best of luck!

bellissima · 07/04/2010 14:57

I'm afraid I read everything that pigletmania has written and recognise a lot of it in some one I know (still alive). The depressing thing - for her child - is that, in addition to her demands, your SIL is probably reveling in all the attention she is getting - from professional and medical services as well as people she knows. Once the baby has arrived and starts demanding a lot of her time she will feel a lot less 'special' and face the awful reality that she has to put in a lot of work. Not that you should, or would, make things any easier by goldplating her pregnancy.

Presumably the wedding is some time off as she expects an outfit for the baby she has just discovered she is having? Maybe offer a contribution towards her outfit and suggests she also starts saving/grant applying for that and, more importantly, the baby.

pigletmania · 07/04/2010 16:05

Belissima my half brothers ex had bi polar, she recently died they have 3 children, oldest is 23 and twin boy and girl 19. This lady left them in 40,000 debt, the house was a mess, think of 'How Clean is your House and you get the picture, 5 dogs, 4 cats, 3 rabbits, reptiles the lot. She drank and smoked and basically left the kids to fend for themselves. My brother wanted them to say with him and to look after them, but they felt that they had to look after their mother and could not go, she would not look after herself.

Yes of course my ex sil loved her kids but she was not the mother they deserved and needed. If they were not feeling well, instead of comforting them, she would tell them that her problems were worse and they should get over it. When they were younger when my brother went to pick themn up to take her to his they would smell and be in filthy clothes . She attempted suicide some years ago when the kids were young and rang my brother to tell him what she had done, he called the ambulance to her, and went to take the kids, he found them huddled on the stairs looking at their mothers body . The doctors said that any longer left and she would have died. Now that she has died, i think that they can build a life for themselves and stop feeling guilt and have the life they deserve.

pigletmania · 07/04/2010 16:08

My ex sil left her affaires in such a mess that my niece(the oldest one) had to take the weight on her young shoulders, sort it all out with the solicitors and legal advice, sell the house herself to repay the debts, organise and pay for the funeral everthing. Sort the house out so that it is fit to sell . My brother is helping as much as he can but its so much on young shoulders that my niece should not have to do. One of the twins has aspergers too and is not taking things well at all.

motherbeyond · 07/04/2010 16:19

there is absoloutely NO WAY i would consider giving her any of this!!!how rude! you must be firm with her,say shenwill get £500 grant to buy nice things for the baby.it's not your responsibility!
i understand the wanting new things for a new baby..i am expecting my 3rd and so have lots of stuff that can be washed and re-used,but i will buy new stuff too...just because i like to.but,if you haven't got the money to do that,you either shouldn't have the baby,or accept that it's going to be ebay etc

do not subsidise them..you will be making a rod for your own back

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