SiL to be treating pregnancy like a meal ticket

[textpest]

Right, my SiL to be has recently found out she is unexpectedly pregnant. She is mentally ill, on benefits and in an on/off relationship with a man who has allienated her family and friends and stolen money from her best friend.

Still we are all being positive about the new addition and are very happy for her as she had been told she was infertile however she seems to think that WE (her brother and I) should fork out for Nursery furniture and a pram plus clothes etc as she is 'on benefits' she also seems to think I should pay for her outfit for our wedding plus shoes etc plus an outfit for the baby and HIM plus her hotel room and travel (we are getting married where we live - they live about 90 miles away)

I have tried to discuss this with her to see if she is serious but she just says 'but we are skint' neither myself or my partner are on fantastic wages and although we have some savings, it is to pay for our honeymoon - he is already cracking under pressure to shell out for all her things. I am furious

textpest, don't feel like the wicked witch - she sounds more like the wicked witch trying to guilt you out of money and have an easy life at somebody elses expense.

It sounds like she is just trying to get money out of you. and if you did give her money, chances are that it would have strangely disappeared before they got around to buying what it was intended for and expect you to shell out for more... Alarm bells always ring when somebody says they want something but then they want money for it and not the thing itself IYSWIM. So maybe if they had the full amount in their hands they might then decide that they would make do with ebay/nct version and pocket the difference etc.

If your sis is being demanding and sitting there saying 'I want all new stuff' then it's probably worth thinking of something really nice that you would like that you will have to save up for so that when she says it again you can just laugh and say something along the lines of 'yeah and I want to [buy a sports car / go on a month long honeymoon / buy a pair of jimmy choos or whatever it is you fancy that is really expensive] and I'm still waiting to win the lottery in order to do it. In the mean time I'm just working really hard and saving really hard and making do the best I can along the way but it's not like I have any spare money at the best of times. And if I do win the lottery then of course I'll get you a pram but if that doesn't happen then this auntie will just have to get her dn an outfit (or whatever you want to give as a simple auntie type gift).

It would also be worth talking to the rest of your family about this if she is trying to guilt trip everyone. Might be that they are going to try to get three people to pay for the pram three times over and pocket the money or something similar.

But if you all present a united front, that none of you are able to or prepared to support her in having a luxury lifestyle for her baby and her, it will make it easier for you all to not feel guilty (and you shouldn't, she is playing you).

And if she uses the bipolar as an excuse then use it back at her to say that you're worried about her and that's why you are being like this etc etc.

sounds like your dn is going to be very lucky to have you as a loving aunt to be around in her extended family if this is what her mother is like!

pigletmania - for you and your dns.

YANBU. You and your DP's role is to provide emotional and practical support, and by practical I mean helping assemble furniture, help her get her home ready for the baby, but not financial support.

Regardless of her being mentally ill it is her and the child?s fathers responsibility to provide financially.

A relative of mine suffers from bipolar and has even been hospitalised due to self inflicted injuries, however (with medication and Cognitive Behavior Therapy) manages to work and keep her very good job. Bipolar is not a prerequisite for not working.

Its a really sad situation zipzap the are such lovely kids despite that, the oldest 23 is at uni doing a MSc in Chemistry, of the twins, the boy is working in the family business and the girl is at college doing animal care. I wish that i could drive so that i could help them more, they live far away from me about 4 hours away, and i have a young dc so its quite difficult, and my dh has broken his toe and has to work also so cant take time off either. We are having them to say for a little bit over the summer though. I did not know the extent of the situation until their mum died and it was out in the open. My oldest nice had to be loaned money by her grandma for the funeral (my half brothers mum, we share the same dad btw but different mums). The mums family have no money, they are alcoholics and very bad with money too.

£ 500 for baby things , because she`s on benefits, and she still wants from your family?
FFS! there are working families out there who do not have £500 to spend on their new baby.
tell the gready nasty woman to feck off.

She is taking the piss.

She will get the £500 SSMG plus another £190 healthy eating grant.

Cheeky bitch.

Tell her straight.

Unemployment rate among people with bipolar is very high, not surprising given that it is a condition that severely affects judgment at times. It is all very well to say it shouldn't stop people from working but not many employers want someone prone to reckless, disinhibited behaviour in their workplace and understandably offer the jobs to applicants who don't have or choose not to disclose psychiatric histories. Which is a bit unfair as royal college of psychiatrists estimate that up to 60% of people with the condition feel they would be well enough to work most of the time. Not sure if this includes bipolar spectrum disorders though.

I am losing the will to reason with her. I have told DP all about grants etc and he is going to let his mum know as she is 'in charge' of SiL finances - SiL has been emailing DP at work about this as well apparently.

I spoke to SiL last night have told her we can't pay for her accomodation for the wedding as most of his family are coming and if we pay for her then we will have to pay for them all. I have said we will 'help' towards it or that she can go home with her uncle (who has said he will bring her up).

I have discussed with DP about a present and we have agreed that her partner should be paying NOT us but don't want baby to be without essentials so are going to buy a cot but NOTHING ELSE if it looks like she has frittered the money on crap but otherwise we will have to just 'see' what we can afford when it is born. I think this is the only way to shut her up for the next 4 months.

textpest, is this woman capable of looking after a baby?

If you have doubts as to whether she will provide basics for it do you think she will be able to provide the fundamental aspects of care?

you can get really cheap but nice cots in ikea btw.

[[http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/00115751 here

try again www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/00115751

say no. If you want to help, help her use freecycle, local ads, car boot and ebay - to buy or rasise money by selling. Just cos she is on benefitsw doesnt mean you should pay for things for her. But it would be nice to help her get the things for herself...

On the direct money, dontb go there or it will never stop.