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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD change her name?

28 replies

maduggar · 07/04/2010 08:13

I have 2 DDs from a previous relationship, and I am getting married to my DP soon (we have a DS together). My DD2 (age 7) has expressed a desire to change her surname to that of my DP, Ds & myself when we get married.

I split from my exH when DD2 was born, so she has never lived with him. DD1 has a strong loyalty to her Dad though, and would never change her surname. For the first few years, their dad was a big part of their life, but he moved away 2 years ago and now only see him 1/2 a year, with a quick fortnightly phonecall. He totally missed their birthday last year (no card, no phonecall) and I think that was the final nail in the coffin for DD2.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to DD2 changing her surname? Reasons for saying no would be

a. she may regret it one day, as she is only 7 and im not sure thats old enough to make this decision.

b. it would deeply upset her Dad & his family

c. Im worried that it may affect the bond with her sister, and make DD1 feel like an outsider with a different surname to the rest of us.

d. the hassle of changing her name on everything, only for her to want to change back in a few months time!

so, AIBU?

OP posts:

BessieBoots · 07/04/2010 08:15

You're being very reasonable and level-headed imo. Tell her she has to wait til she's older.

LittleMrsHappy · 07/04/2010 08:19

you would need your dh to change it officially anyway, and it would have to go through the courts, as he still has PR of them, even tho he only See's them X amount of time.

Its really not easy just changing the name, you can change it unofficially, but officially you need her fathers opinion.

lifeas3plus1 · 07/04/2010 08:20

YANBU but I would say you will consider it but only when she is 12/13yrs old or so.

I know what it was like growing up with a completely different name to the rest of my family and I hated it.

Is there any option of double barreling her surname then in a few years if your DD is still adamant about changing her name all she has to do is drop one name?

LittleMrsHappy · 07/04/2010 08:20

need your Ex dh permission and signature to change it anyway (sorry its morning)

Original poster

maduggar · 07/04/2010 08:23

double baralling would make for an extremely long surname!

Thanks, I was hoping I wasnt BU.

LMH, if I was to do it, Id do it unoffcially to start with (just telling the school/Dr that she is going to be known as "xxxxxxx" surname). I think exH woudl let her change her name if she really set her heart on it though.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 08:24

I would just tell her it is something to think about later. My DS has a different name-it is a mild inconvenience-nothing more.

LittleMrsHappy · 07/04/2010 08:24

Forgot to say also, she would still be known s her old surname in any official documentation (passport, bank details, birth cert) which would be confusing for ID-ing references having two different surnames.

My friend is currently going through the courts as their dad wont give permission to changes names.

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 08:27

Maybe you should keep the same name as you daughters, for the moment at least.

post · 07/04/2010 08:43

agree with skidoodly

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 08:57

I can't see why she would want to keep her exH name in a new marriage. If she wants to all have the same name surely everyone would be better with OP's maiden name?

izzybiz · 07/04/2010 08:57

My Ds changed his sirname when I married my Dh (not his dad)

I didn't need any permission from Ds father, wechanged it by deed poll, I had to write a letter as his legal guardian stating that from such and such a date he would no longer be known as xx but as xy.

He was older than your Dd though, 14 or 15 at the time, and made the decision for himself.

izzybiz · 07/04/2010 09:00

Oh and with regard to passport etc, he is known with his new name, you have to keep the deed poll certificate with the original birth certificate, he is his new name on his provisional driving licence too.

NormaSknockers · 07/04/2010 09:03

I think you're being very sensible & DD will understand eventually. When she's older if she still wants to change it then perhaps then.

My mother changed my surname everytime she got married/divorced/whatever growing up I had the total of 4 surnames, my school life was a misery because peers & teachers alike would make jokes about 'Which name are you going by this week'.

ScaredOne · 07/04/2010 09:04

I agree with that too. That would be the easiest option.

I know it's a lot of hassle to change a name but on the other hand, having a father who would forget birthdays and so on I see why she wants to be part of this new family and having the same name can be important for her I guess. I was never too bothered but honestly, she feels more part of the new family and I think she should be able to make her decision. You would have to tell her though that once it's changed, it's done and she has to wait a good few years to change it back.
I am not sure how DD1 would feel but I wouldn't be worried about your exs family. He forgets her birthday, doesn't care for them and so on-he is a father but not a dad. Maybe her wanting to have the new sure name is expressing that too? She sees your new husband more of a dad?

ScaredOne · 07/04/2010 09:06

Oh I meant I agreed with you keeping the name if you don't let her change it. Sorry, typed too slow

LittleMrsHappy · 07/04/2010 09:20

Ibbybiz that will be correct, as then fathers didn't get automatic parental responsibility.

It only became official in 200/5 depending on what country you live in.

Now you need the fathers permission in ANY PR towards the child, moving country, name change, life changing surgery etc... (massive case on the news recently about it, concerning continual life support of a baby boy)

LittleMrsHappy · 07/04/2010 09:24

and only if your child was registered after the 1st Dec 2003.

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 10:13

"I can't see why she would want to keep her exH name in a new marriage. "

It's not her exH's name, it's her daughters' name.

The reason she might want to keep it in a new marriage is because a seven year old girl seems to be upset at the idea that her mother will soon have a new name and she will not.

It's not within the OP's gift to change her daughter's name to anything, even her maiden name without consulting her ex.

The OP (wisely IMO) thinks her DD shouldn't change her name right now at such a young age. But the fact of the child being upset at the change remains.

There are two responses to this.

One is to expect a little girl to suck it up and hope that she'll understand when she's older why it was so important that her mother share the same name as her new husband and DS rather than the name of her daughters.

The other is to say that no names are changing for the moment and that the girls will all have one name, the boys another and we'll see how we feel at X point in the future, when presumably all the changes happening right now will have settled down and the girls will be a lot older and will understand more.

Original poster

maduggar · 07/04/2010 10:17

I like teh girl/boys having different names, thats the kind of thing my DD2 will realte to. Im going to have a chat with her later, and tell her us girls will stick together & keep our current name. Thanks.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 16:40

It might well be her daughter's name but it is also her exH's name-it certainly isn't OP's name. I think OP should either stick to the name she was born with or the present DH's name. I can't see a problem-my DS had a different name.Just tell her that she can decide when older.

Jaggers · 07/04/2010 17:29

OP YANBU, at seven dd is too young to make that choice, but perhaps mentioning to EX DH that DD has made this request may prompt him to make a bit more effort.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2010 17:32

i agree with op;
i at one point wanted to change my mum, however it would have been hurtful to my father.

she needs to wait til she is grownup.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2010 17:34

my
name

that must have been a freudian slip

amd can't you remind your ex of birthdays and such? for her sake?

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 17:37

One of my worst mistakes as a mother was to give in to the pressure put on me by the dcs - then aged 7 & 8 - to change their name to that of their arsehole of a stepfather. Not, of course that he'd revealed himself as such at the time. I so wish their own father had refused permission. Fortunately, the boys could revert back to the names on their birth certificate in plenty of time for secondary school but it is a gesture best made by much older young people and not at the time of a remarriage.

TheButterflyEffect · 07/04/2010 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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