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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse this playdate

37 replies

KoalaSar · 07/04/2010 00:02

Friend with similar aged DD has invited my DD to "come over and play".

I have agreed to this.

Once agreed, she revealed she was actually taking the two children to a beach - 30 miles away - simpy said "I'll pick her up at half eight and we can be on the beach by half nine"!

I have no idea what sort of driver she is - she's not a close friend.

She is royally pissed off that I have cancelled and is now writing all sorts of stuff on Facebook this evening telling everyone she's annoyed beyond belief (though not being specific about why).

My child, my say, surely???

OP posts:
outnumbered2to1 · 07/04/2010 00:13

YANBU.

You are pefectly within your reason not to want your DD to go. You agreed to a playdate not a "oh by the way i'll be taking your child 30 miles away to the beach play date"

she needs to get over herself...

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 00:21

You should have discussed the details beforehand, the two of you. A trip to a beach 30 miles away is obviously no big deal for her but it is for you. You're both silly for not sorting out the whys and wherefores before agreeing to it.

larks35 · 07/04/2010 00:25

You could have just decided to go with them all though, rather than cancel the whole thing, couldn't you? I feel you've been a bit of a [party pooper] tbh.

KAEKAE · 07/04/2010 00:29

YANBU playdate locally is fine, but then to turn around and say she'll be taking her 30 miles away to a beach I wouldn't be happy about. I would have done the same thing and cancelled.

ChippingIn · 07/04/2010 00:31

30 miles - not 3 continents
car - not back of a motorbike
beach - not crack den

Failing to see the problem here. Either you trust her to look after your child or you don't. If she had taken them to the local park, in her car, splashed around in a fountain - would you feel differently?

Of course - your child your say - doesn't make your decision the best nor hers the worst.

She is BU to plaster her annoyance over FB.

SusieCarmichael · 07/04/2010 00:38

hmm, my dd's godmother is like this, (very nice btw) but suggests some things i am not totally happy with (i'm probably being pfb about things though tbh)

if i were in your situation i would have invited myself along

30 miles isn't far for her godmother to take her but as you sayu you don't know this mother very well then yanb that u

ravenAK · 07/04/2010 00:38

She's being enormously childish to rant on FB, rather than ringing you & asking why it's such a big deal.

I'd be fine about a trip to the beach 30 miles away - presumably no swimming involved (brrrr! this week) as she'd've asked you to supply costume, BUT she should've made the plans clear when inviting. If someone invited my child to 'come over & play' I'd assume they meant at their house.

So overall yanbu - maybe a bit protective! But not fair of other mum to just spring it on you.

runnybottom · 07/04/2010 02:16

depends, are they 3 or 13?

Actually, is the ma 13....ranting on FB, what a twat!

Jamiki · 07/04/2010 02:17

I would be so annoyed. Mind you where I come from child drownings are well documented and trips 'to the beach' or anyones pool are viewed as very potentially dangerous.

Also how old is DD and is she a strong swimmer, who else is going?
I know when I take my DD to swimming lessons and I have DS (3yo) in the water also, my eyes need to be on him constantly, so couldn't really 'constantly watch other kids too' let alone maintain much eyecontact to have conversation with another mum.

The water is still a big hazard even if swimmimg was not planned.

I used to let my DD go to the beach with DHs sister when she was 2-3yo, one on one but eventually had to put a stop to it because DHs sister kept bringing her home with no underwear on! Even though I kept sending knickers with her and kept requesting it she'd bring her home in just a hooded towel! From a very crowded city beach in summer. You just don't know what risks other people will take with your DCs.

Jamiki · 07/04/2010 02:38

When playdates at other peoples houses are requested I usually ask if they have dogs or a pool. My DD is scared of dogs and dog attacks are another horrible reality also.

I do try not to be too overprotective just cautious!

MadamDeathstare · 07/04/2010 02:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coldhands · 07/04/2010 09:27

Just out of interest, how old are the DCs?

YANBU, do things your way, but it does depend how old the children are. If they are young, then fine. If they are a bit older I would say YABU.

She has shown her true colours though by how she has reacted to this and I would stear clear of her in the future. Very childish of her to be putting it all over FB.

Original poster
KoalaSar · 07/04/2010 18:50

The children are 4

I couldn't go along myself as I had an appointment at the hospital. I was happy to take DD with me but obviously happier not to have to take her if she was going to be at this lady's house.

Hmm since then (last week), she has started "excluding" me from things - arranging coffee with mutual friends (where I would normally go along too) and failing to include me.

Is she a twat?

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/04/2010 19:02

I think the ranting on Facebook proves that you made the right call as far as the playdate goes. Sounds a bit mad.

TinaSparkles · 07/04/2010 19:10

Hmm, you say that she's not a close friend, but you regularly meet up for coffee and are friends on facebook. Saying that you would cancel because you don't know what kind of driver she is sounds a bit lame as well.

Maybe she thinks you know each other better, and therefore can trust one another for this adhoc type of planning, than you obviously do of her iyswim.

Still 4 y.o. if awfully young to take away to somewhere that far away.

activate · 07/04/2010 19:14

my friend's 4 year old went missing for 2 hours on a public beach

I would have pulled out too and I have 4 kids, 2 of whom are teens.

You have not over-reacted - a playdate for a 4 year old is in a house or local park and not a day trip

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2010 19:15

you are well out of it if she is ranting on facebook
what a cow.
as to the decision taken not to allow ... you could have handled it better; but forget it
she sounds weird and immature

activate · 07/04/2010 19:16

depends how you pulled out of course - there are gracious ways and then clumsy ways designed to make other mother feel untrusted and disliked

Original poster
KoalaSar · 07/04/2010 19:55

ah yes - well - she's a bit intimidating so I wasn't sure how to pull out. I found it hard to give a reason because I couldn't think of a reason that didn't sound lame - or one she wouldn't have ridiculed me for.

I just felt uneasy about it - we are not close friends, we met in antenatal with our second children and have sort of been in touch ever since (hence the mutual friends - she usually organises our antenatal meet-ups and has organised two since then without asking me along).

I knew if I gave a reason and she ridiculed my reason then I'd have felt stupid and allowed her to take DD, and I'd have felt as though she'd ridden roughshod over me.

In the end, I cancelled about 36 hours beforehand and said we had relatives coming to visit from Scotland (this did happen the next day - she knows I have relatives in Scotland who drop in about once a year when they are heading down south on the motorway). I said that if she took DD to the beach for a few hours, she'd miss them and they'd miss her and that, on balance, I'd prefer her to stay local on that day.

She was very pissed off because she felt I was "putting those people before her".

I realise I should have told her the real reason, I just don't feel I can be honest with her - if you met her, you'd see what I mean about initimidating.

OP posts:
Coldhands · 07/04/2010 19:58

4 is too young IMHO. I wouldn't let someone take my 4 yo to the beach who I didn't know that well.

And yes she is a twat, excluding you from invites and putting stuff on FB etc. What a childish idiot. Arrange coffee mornings yourself and invite slightly more mature people who won't act like total twats.

mjinhiding · 07/04/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CantSupinate · 07/04/2010 20:01

She's a nut-case, Koala, just... chalk it up to experience. Smile sweetly and cheerily say hello when you see her and try to put the rest out of your mind. Although maybe her DD was very disappointed about the cancelled plans and that stressed her out hugely? I can understand her being peeved on that front, my DC could have been nightmares about it. But not peeved enough to start a vendetta .

Maybe you could try inviting her DD around without the mother -- that would be ample compensation in the mind of most 4yos.

[Crikey, I've fallen out with people in the last few years, I wonder if any of them would have ranted about me on FB??]

MadamDeathstare · 07/04/2010 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebeccaruby · 07/04/2010 21:21

YABU for objecting to the playdate. Tbh it sounds a lot nicer than playing in somebody's house. they would not be in the water in this weather anyway, so no more dangerous than walking around the local park. But she shouldn't be ranting on Facebook.

bran · 07/04/2010 21:31

I think you gave a very tactful and believeable excuse.

If you want to see the people that she is arranging coffee with then just contact them directly yourself. I think she's doing you a favour by removing herself from your life if you find her intimidating.

I bet she has had quite a few friendships in the past that have ended badly if she gets annoyed so easily.

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