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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding question. Should big bro bring his new GF (and her 2 kids)?

37 replies

fairysnuff · 06/04/2010 21:03

My sis is getting married this september.
My little DD is her flower girl. Chosen cos both our other nieces have been flower girls at other weddings (DN1 at mine, DN2 at her mums brothers). My big bro has been in contact with sis re acommodation, sis contacted him actally. Anyway. Big bro is major skint so said that there would be no way he could afford a room in the hotel (£125 Family room). Fair enough.
He then said he had thought his 2 girls would be flower girls or such, but no pressure if they weren't.
Then said that he would prob be bringing his new GF (4th since splitting from his wife 3 yrs ago) who has 2 children. So he would be 1 +5.
Sis is a bit
She says, Hang on, who said GF was invited, let alone her LOs and if she was, is big bro seriously hinting that he expects me to organise and pay for accommodation for them all??

She has a point, no?

Bro defo assumed that his girls were part of the wedding and therefore all their needs would be catered for (which they will, regardless. We all know bro hasn't a penny to spare). That assumption led him to beleive that it woudl not be such a big leap to accommodate his new GFs lot too.
And I suppose, on his part, it would be the assumption that he woudl be invited 'and partner'
But there have been so many and I am not all that keen on each one being introduced to his girls and to be such a part f each visit they have.
I woudl have thought just he and the girls woudl come to the wedding.
I woudl prefer it. I want to se them with their daddy and for their daddy to give them his undivided attention at least at his lil sis's wedding.

AIBU

and if I am not, how do you go about telling big bro that HIBU?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/04/2010 21:07

oh gosh, difficult!

i can totally understand why your brother would assume that the invite was for his partner too
how long has he been with her?

can your sister make something up about having already decided on numbers for food etc? and not taken the partner and kids into account?

i don't think it's unreasonable to say no to her kids coming though. she could say it's children of family and close friends only or something????

eep

Original poster
fairysnuff · 06/04/2010 21:12

about 3 minutes.

No, seriously. I think maybe 3 months, maybe 6

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 06/04/2010 21:13

If you say it's 'family children only':

a) she will insist that they are family, it will all go tits up
or
b) she will be unable to arrange childcare and so she won't go either, problem solved

thisisyesterday · 06/04/2010 21:15

oh def refcent enough that you can claim that menus and meals etc have already been arranged and unfortunatley, none for her!!!

depends what she is like, but if i had been with someone for 3 months i certainly wouldn;'t expect to get an invite to a family wedding

Ewe · 06/04/2010 21:18

Oh gosh, that is a tricky one. I personally wouldn't want some random girlfriend in my wedding pictures for ever more and certainly not her kids too. I mean, they're practically strangers aren't they?

Is big bro the type you could explain the situation too?

Alternatively, could you afford to provide accommodation for the girls, them sharing with cousins and find a best man/usher who has a twin room that bro could bunk up in? Therefore, if they did want to come en masse they would have to fund it, might be enough to put them off?

KAEKAE · 06/04/2010 21:18

Yes, I think she should be invited, she's his GF. regardless to how many he has recently, that isn't her fault and surely it would be a nice welcome into the family...you never know she might well be in the family for a long time to come! If it's a money issue then I think it would be very reasonable to not have her children there.

DaisymooSteiner · 06/04/2010 21:19

Without wanting to get into the whole kids at weddings-thing, my personal feeling is that it's perfectly acceptable for him to bring his partner but not her children unless it was a permanent relationship ie married or living together. Certainly in the same situation I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited anyway.

thisisyesterday · 06/04/2010 21:20

otherwise, she just needs to say look, i would love you, and your 2 dd's there. but i cannot afford to pay for GF and her kids.

so, he either pays for them himself, or if she wantss to come she can pay?

JaynieB · 06/04/2010 21:27

Whilst there are loads of good reasons to maybe ask the GF not to bring the kids, which should not cause offence - personally, I like weddings to be friendly, inclusive events - could you maybe say, yes, all welcome, but ask him to pay for all/some of the cost of the room for the extra children?
Also if (if) this GF is around for longer, it is a nice way for the family all to meet. The kids might feel a bit left out otherwise and its not their fault is it?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 06/04/2010 21:31

Your sis should just say she can't afford to pay for them all. If he gets the hump about it, that's his problem.

gtamom · 06/04/2010 21:32

"Sis is a bit hmm
She says, Hang on, who said GF was invited, let alone her LOs and if she was, is big bro seriously hinting that he expects me to organise and pay for accommodation for them all??"

Was he mailed n invitation with Brother & Guest"? In that case,
"You are welcome to bring a date, as your invitation states, but that does not include your dates children"
If you say family children only, and he says they are family, point out the rapid gf changes he has had, and he is not married to her, and they are not family.

If he never received an invitation stating who is actually invited and is just assuming, she (sis) just has to to tell him.
She can e-mail him if she doesn't relish telling him in person or via phone. Sooner the better.

mazzystartled · 06/04/2010 21:34

I think she and her children SHOULD be invited

This may be The One

(or not, but I think it is a bigger risk to not invite her)

and, as it is not your wedding, you should keep out of it. and it is his decision, not yours, to judge whether his girlfriend is involved with his children

YANBU with regard to paying for the room, however. But the hotel sounds pretty expensive - is there another option?

LittleWhiteWolf · 06/04/2010 21:35

If it were me I think I would have invited the GF and possibly her kids (ours had a limit imposed by the venue, so perhaps not) but theres no way I'd pay. Thats his responsibility.

ElleBing · 06/04/2010 21:41

I had a similar-ish situation at my own wedding...

My darling mother had had a 'gentleman friend' for a good few years when DH and I decided to tie the knot. We liked the guy and wanted him at the wedding, on the top table as mum's partner. He'd done a lot for us and we saw him as a stepfather.

6 months before wedding, mother ends the relationship. 2 months before the wedding, mother finds herself another gentleman friend. Mother assumes that not only the gentleman friend is invited but gentleman friend #1s place on the top table will be taken by gentleman friend #2! I mean, WTF?!

DH and I weren't comfortable with this guy taking such a lead role in the day, nevermind having our feathers ruffled by the assumed invitation. I put my foot down and said he could come as a regular guest and he would be seated with the relatives at another table. DM was royally pissed off but it's tough shit. My day, my rules. Same goes for your sister. If she makes concessions for one, she will find others leaning on her to make concessions for them. Tell her to tell your brother sorry, but no.

Abundantia · 06/04/2010 21:41

I'd be including his girlfriend and her children in the invite. And I'd offer to split the cost of accommodation or suggest they find somewhere cheaper to stay.

The way it works in my family is that whoever the current girlfriend/boyfriend is gets invited, and if they have children they're automatically included.

cinnamon81 · 06/04/2010 22:02

I'm currently planning a wedding with similiar circs and i think if the girlfriend and her children are living with your brother they should be invited.

If its just a casual relationship then no need for invite unless anyone single has "plus one" on their invite, but if they are in a commited relationship eg married/engaged/have children together/are living together it would be pretty offensive to exclude half his family to be fair.

fallon8 · 06/04/2010 22:03

it'll all be over by Sept.

Original poster
fairysnuff · 06/04/2010 22:13

They are not living together, they are only dating.
Good ideas re splitting costs, but seriously, Bro has NO money! Splitting costs is not an option. I know now that my parents will bankrole the travelling costs. We are at opposite ends of the country, literally, so this is no small cost.

OP posts:
BattyKoda · 06/04/2010 22:16

When I had been with my DP for 6 months (long distance relationship) his brother got married and me and my DS weren't invited. DP was fuming, especially as the reason for me not being invited was that there was no room, even though there were plenty of empty seats on the day. Me and DP have been together 3 years now, and are getting married in a couple of months, I'm almost tempted to retract his SIL's invite (not really)

You might want to think about the impact on relationships in the future if they stay together and she wasn't invited.

Original poster
fairysnuff · 06/04/2010 22:26

Sis is thinking she is going to go with +1, you gotta give him +1, but gonna go with only direct family's children invited to the wedding.

gtamum he has not recieved an invite yet, no-one has.

mazzystartled He has introduced a new GF to his girls every time they have been to visit him. They are only young, their parents have only been split for a short while.
And, in my bros romantic mind, bless im, they have all been 'the one' Forgive me if that leaves me with a little less patience for the latest 'one'.
I am sure the lady in question is lovely, they norm are. Bro is a nice guy who dates nice women. But I just don't think it is fair that he consistently makes them a part of his childrens childcare whenever he gets them to stay.
This is all a seperate issue though.

OP posts:
ravenAK · 06/04/2010 22:44

Also, depending on how old the GF's dc are, they might be a bit at being dragged along to mum's new bf's sister's wedding!

If they're there with his own dc, it's likely to be obvious to all four children that one pair know everyone & are 'family' & the others aren't - at least, not yet.

I would've thought it'd be absolutely calculated to strain an embryonic step-sibling relationship, tbh.

Agree with others - gf is his '+1', but her dc don't need to come. If she can't attend without them, she gives it a miss - if she is 'the one', there'll be other occasions.

MadameDefarge · 06/04/2010 23:23

I think everyone is overthinking this. If he were single, and had a GF, she would be invited.

As it is a cost issue, just point out to DB that you can't cover the costs of Him, his dcs and his GF and kids. He has to put his hand in his pocket.

Otherwise, the more the merrier, really.

zipzap · 07/04/2010 00:30

I didn't get invited to my BIL's wedding as it was just a small do and for immediate family. I'd been going out with dp for approx 15 years so it wasn't like it was a new thing...

but it was what they wanted and that was fine by me. they had number limits and that was one of the ways they decided to make the numbers work. Meant I had a very nice relaxed weekend at home alone, able to do / eat / drink all the things that I liked without any guilt

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 07/04/2010 00:34

IIRC holiday inn have rooms for £30 ish.

I agree with the others, weddings are expansive without having extras to cater for.

ScaredOne · 07/04/2010 00:39

I do think he should be allowed to bring a guest. Doesn't everyone? I mean wedding invitations always seem to be plus one, so it's his choice who this plus one is, even when it's girlfriend number 155.
I do not see why she should bring the kids. They are only dating, they don't live together and he is not their stepdad. So in my books it's just incredible he assumes they are invited.
I would just tell him that while of course his children and his plus one are welcome, room and costs do not permit children of plus ones. Sorry.

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