To bristling at MIL asking "How's my baby?"

[OzKate]

As the years roll by my MIL increasingly annoys me, it seems like our differences become more and more obvious than our similiarities! I'm almost 20weeks pregnant and this will be her first grandchild, so I don't think I need to explain quite how excited she is, which is lovely I know, and I shouldn't take this for granted.

But yesterday we went to her place for lunch and the first thing she did was put her hand on my stomach (cringe) and exclaim (in baby talk no less) "How's my baby?"

EEEEK...AIBU?...I know I am being unreasonable but would this have put your back up??

FGS lay off the OP, I am sure she didnt tell her MIL to feck off, I am sure she took it graciously with a thank you.

My MIL has given me some of the worst presents (a half used tub of some dewberry shite cream), as has my own Nan (a wierd Elvis clock that she got from Bradford Exchange). I take them with a smile and then complain a little. The same applies here.

hmmmm, difficult.my mum says "where's my babies?!where are dey?!der dey are!!"
she loves them so much it makes me want to cry.i think it's lovely.obviously,she knows they're notreally her babies!

however,if my mil did it,i would bristle.they live in ireland though so don't see them much.they are nice enough,but i do feel funny when they take over with the children on visits and am glad when they go,tbh.
can you make a joke out of it and say"oi,you've had your turn,this one is my baby?!"
when the baby is a bit older you can teach it to say "nooo,mama's baby!" my youngest does without prompting!

but really,just be glad you're baby is adored by lots of people,can't go far wrong with that can you?

Hello. My namr is iklboo and I.....love my MIL.

Although I wouldn't let her touch my bump. FIL's wife tried it and I backed off like a vampire before a cross squawking 'please don't do that!'

OP did say 'I know I am being unreasonable'. So, yes you are a bit but the hand on bump would have got many MNers backs up.

Blame the hormones, practise deep breathing and tongue biting - you may need it in future

I have baby things which are at least 100 years old and why not? the Shetkand shawl she made, so fine it can be put thru a wedding ring, when washed, she would pin it all out for me again,would you honestly rather have arcylic,mass produced,cheap labour stuff?
And at least she is showing an interest in the baby. she cant do a thing right,if she said nothing, that would be wrong, without her son, there would be no baby.

YANBU

My FIL asked (when I was about 10 weeks pregnant and didn't know sex of baby) "How is my GRANDSON!" and I felt like screaming at him, it made me so angry.

I think it might be their way of trying to be funny and affectionate though so I would just ignore rather than saying anything to them.

The bump touching would make me very uncomfortable though!

My MIL is lovely (and 1000's of miles away which no doubt makes her lovlier) but I wouldn't love her touching my bump. However I would recognise the fact that she is very excited, her son (my DH) is 42 and she had pretty much started to think she would never have proper (long story) grandchildren so I would make allowances. I think she thinks my mum and I are always doing baby shopping etc together which is just not the case at all and bless her feels a bit out of it.

So understand your point OP but try and be nice/make allowances. Also you say that your MIL gets increasingly on your nerves and that kind of roller-coaster once started is increasingly hard to get off. Before you know it just the way she breathes will annoy you. Try to break the chain.

I totally agree that this is out of order. My MIL is a nightmare. SOOO possessive of my DH and when our son was born, she brought baby photos of my DH just to check 'it is really my grandson'!! She also insists on calling him 'my baby'. He is not her baby and never will be. I know exactly how you feel.

Ah now I don't usually post in AIBU (I just read it!) but this has compelled me to.

I was in similar situation with my MIL. We get along quite ok really, all nice and polite. But when I was pg, with her first gc, she just got so overexcited! She did all the bump touching thing, which I kind of didn't mind too much, and gave me lots of old stuff, which was sweet, I smiled, said thank you and used some, put the rest in the loft. She was lovely and enthusiastic about having copies of all the scan pics and hsowing them off to everyone she knew!

However, when she started refering to the bump as "MY baby" I cracked. I was really upset actually. I felt like saying. Ok then, you carry this massive lump around, you have the insomnia, backache, etc etc and YOU push it out for me! Probably totally unreasonable and I would never actually say it to her face of course but I was very hormonal and cried afterwards. In the end OH agreed to ask her really nicely to call the baby ANYTHING she liked nn, cute name, bump, whatever, but please not MY baby.

So, I do think YABU but hey, so was I, and you're probably allowed to be - and it doesn't mean you hate your MIL!

ps. dd is 12 months now and MIL has calmed down considerably. We get along quite well in fact

the feeling your bump is off........but otherwise its your hormones

i think it is lovely that she is so fond of the unborn. After all it is her'baby' grandson/daughter too....its just terminolgy. she is obviously thrilled to bits

Don't feel you have to let your mil touch your bump. It is not comfortable for some women and that is fair enough. It is not something I would have embraced.

Blanket thing,l I use a hand-knitted blanket that is generations old and dh loves it so can't help on that one. It helps that it is not unattractive and lots of old women comment on how well done it is I suppose.

no matter how old you get some mums never stop wanting to have babies and just maybe you are filling her need for another little one in her life too.

YABU. I hope you have a son.

I don't think you are being unreasonable with the 'MY baby' thing.

My MIl did that with my son (not the girls ). It was always 'how's MY boy?'

I'd say 'he's fine. He's at work right now'.

Eventually she cut it out.
I realise it can sound unreasonable to others who haven't had a pushy, rude MIL. But trust me, it grates.

YABU, completely ungrateful and a little bit shitty. She seems to like you,and be happy about the fact you are having her grandchild. Grow up, it's not all about you!

btw it would not put my back up, it's not exactly odd and the blanket thing is such a lovely gesture. Just wash the damn thing although I'm pretty sure she would have washed it before she gives it to you.

Oz - next time she or anyone else makes a grab for your tummy and if it makes you uncomfortable just turn away - your body and it's up to you who touches it.

The blanket sounds sweet.

The shopping - either do it or don't do it with her.

It sounds like she really wants to be part of the whole experience which is nice - but if you want the baby shopping thingy just you and dh just make it you and dh. I have to say baby shopping rocks - it was my favourite shopping ever and I wouldn't have wanted my mil or even my mum trailing along.

But the blanket sounds very sweet. We were give some awful shit (soiled nylon blankets - yes they exist) by ils but hey they did it with nice motives - I just stuck bits and bobs on once and took photo's for them so they felt good - didn't mean I used them 24/7.

Some stuff it's easier to play along with.

It is just a figure of speech. I know several grandmothers who tell me the latest on 'their babies'. They know, and I know, they don't mean it literally!
They are excited!
If you have a boy you will be the dreaded MIL one day, so I hope that you have a kind,understanding DIL who lets you get excited and sees the baby as a new member of the family rather than a possession.

MY DC used the lovely lacy shawl I had when I was a baby.
Are you happy to use hospital bedding,used by hundreds of sick people and maybe some dead ones?

ShowofHands has said it all and so kindly, too.

My mil not only referred to ds as her baby but she kept going on about how if I died she would take care of ds and how it wouldn't be a problem as children are resilent and he would adapt to his new life and wouldn't know any differently.

She even told me about her plans for turning the dining room into a playroom and how she would give up work and she would give him the perfect childhood.

I had to stop visiting her for a while as it can get quite depressing when someone seems to be fantasising about your demise.

Oh gosh poor mil I bet she is bursting with excitement.I am guilty of using a first person possessive pronoun re my dgc too.
"How's my special boy today?"
"Where's my gorgeous girl?" etc its just love thats all just love and a bit of silliness.

OP - I can see what you're saying and my MIL is similar. She is an absolutely lovely lady, who I adore, but for some reason, I am unreasonably protective of my first baby with her. She calls her "my little girl" etc, which drives me mad. However, I always smile and say "I'm fine thanks" and make a joke of it, which she joins in with. I do know I'm being unreasonable and am coming round to relaxing more with her, the older my daughter gets.

I am now 29 weeks pregnant with my second one and ready to be incredibly grateful for all the help she is willing to give me. My parents are also v keen to help out, so I consider myself very lucky to have these people on my side. Sometimes it can feel like it's you against the world, so knowing I can call on my MIL can be the most amazing feeling. And, if I'm honest, although I know all this to be true and that it's not a bad thing, I still have to remind myself of it when she asks to see my DD - and I have to try not to resent it!

I think it can be a natural way to feel at times, but you have to try to be rational about it and let them in. She clearly loves you, her son and her new grandchild. And for that, you should be happy.

But I do know how you feel!

I was in the chip shop queue when a young, jeans and sweat shirt, guy suddenly reached over, patted my bump, and said 'Coming along nicely'. Only after I had wolloped him did I realise it was my Gorgeous young GP in his painting the kitchen gear.

I am afraid I am guilty as charged on the 'my baby' front. I know perfectly well that my DGC are my daughters' children but they are MY Grandchildren too. So I have my best boy, my best girl and my best baby.

Technically they are my descendents. 25% of their genes come from me. Of course Mummy and Daddy are their parents so take pride of place in their affections and upbringing. It is a case of 'Grannies know your place'. Perhaps Mumsnetters could compile a 'How to be a good Granny' booklet?

My MIL constantly refers to DD as "my baby". Drives me crazy. Her baby is in fact 32 & well over 6 foot. But when she's not around & driving me up the wall I can see it's just because she's so excited to have a grandchild. DD is now 18 months & things have calmed down to be fair but I totally understand your irritation OP.

I wouldn't let ANYONE except DH or medical people touch my bump though. It actually made me feel physically ill if people touched it so definitely YANBU on that one.