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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bristling at MIL asking "How's my baby?"

74 replies

OzKate · 06/04/2010 10:20

As the years roll by my MIL increasingly annoys me, it seems like our differences become more and more obvious than our similiarities! I'm almost 20weeks pregnant and this will be her first grandchild, so I don't think I need to explain quite how excited she is, which is lovely I know, and I shouldn't take this for granted.

But yesterday we went to her place for lunch and the first thing she did was put her hand on my stomach (cringe) and exclaim (in baby talk no less) "How's my baby?"

EEEEK...AIBU?...I know I am being unreasonable but would this have put your back up??

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 06/04/2010 11:05

Oh gosh you are being unreasonable but it's the hormones.

DD has a blanket that has been in our family for many, many years. It's a privilege for her to be able to use it.

Try and imagine that the fierce love you feel for your child, the protectiveness, the pride etc is something that your MIL also has for her child. Not only that but she has raised him, nurtured him, watched him grow, is consumed by pride at how he has turned out. And now this little baby inside you is part of all that love and anxiety and effort every parent puts into creating a family. She feels connected to the baby, feels it is part of something she loves and cherishes. Let her have that. It's a wonderful thing.

EricNorthmansmistress · 06/04/2010 11:06

YABU and a bit nasty. I have my own baby blankets and shawl that my own granny made for my birth, DS was wrapped in the shawl to leave the hospital, granny was so touched to see the photos. That sort of thing is quite normal

MIL calls DS 'my son' in Arabic, as she does her other DGS. I don't mind even a tiny bit.

mamasparkle · 06/04/2010 11:07

YANBU-it's your baby,not hers,hands off the bump!

EricNorthmansmistress · 06/04/2010 11:07

I feel sorry for mothers of sons, their grandchildren are never as much 'theirs' as children of daughters. It's a shame.

bronze · 06/04/2010 11:07

I was going to say when she asks tell her hes at work but you'' tell him she asked
but
now I just think you're precious. I love the family blankets etc that have been passed down. They're very special. Patchworks made by one grandmother and knitted by another g, grandmother. None smell, all clean and incredibly soft. But then my lot slept in my mums moses basket my husbands crib and my cot.

MrsCosmopolite · 06/04/2010 11:11

YABU. Give the woman a chance, she's excited about the birth of her first grandchild. It's normal.

Agree with others who said the blanket is a lovely gesture. If she's kept it 37 years it probably has a lot of sentimental value to her.

Original poster
OzKate · 06/04/2010 11:17

Wow! I'm sorry to have offended, I didn't realise I'd stepped into a humour free zone, you'd think I'd demanded to see the blanket and ripped it up in front of her very eyes. I would never say or do anything to upset my MIL, and I'm afraid I'm not the "spoiling for a fight" kind. As I said, you have to laugh don't you? My MIL drives me crazy, nothing more, nothing less, and sometimes it's nice to be able to say so, sorry to have bored you "yawn". I think this might be my cue to call it a day on Mumsnet, I'm thinking we're not on the same wavelength. Have a good day!

OP posts:
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 06/04/2010 11:18

These threads depress me. I have two boys, and it looks like I'm doomed to be a constant irritant to my DIL's.

activate · 06/04/2010 11:20

mothers on mumsnet suck the life out of the joy of being part of a family at times

MisSalLaneous · 06/04/2010 11:23

Oh well, your choice re whether or not to stay on MN. You haven't offended, and this isn't a humour free zone - your OP (and especially subsequent) just wasn't funny, why would we laugh at it?

For what it's worth, and I do suspect you won't listen, I'd recommend trying to see the best in your MIL. She's in your life whether you like it or not, so you might as well try to enjoy the good bits, I'm sure she has her faults, like all of us.

ZacharyQuack · 06/04/2010 11:24

If you post in AIBU, you have to be prepared to accept that people may tell you that YABU.

Original poster
OzKate · 06/04/2010 11:26

BTW, ShowOf Hands, I thought that was really beautifully written, thank you! That means a lot!

OP posts:
BetsyLittleson · 06/04/2010 11:26

I didn't think YWBU until I read about the blanket. DD2 has my baby blanket - I am 28 this year and it has served us both well. I use that magical thing called a washing machine to clean it when it's covered in snot in need of a wash.

LoveBeingAMummy · 06/04/2010 11:27

OP you've come to AIBU and can't flounce just cause everyones not agreeing with you. Its probaby just bad luck as MIL bashing is normally a subject where you'll get most people on your side.

usualsuspect · 06/04/2010 11:31

Yes its nice to see a MIL getting support on mn for a change...and soh what a beautiful post ....

FioFio · 06/04/2010 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ShowOfHands · 06/04/2010 11:37

OzKate, stay. MN is a wonderfully funny place.

What you have to bear in mind is that many of us aren't pg with our first. Our children are growing up very fast indeed and all too soon we will be the MIL you are talking about. We will still be fallible, have the foibles and idiosyncracies that make us who we are and be negotiating a new set of circumstances where another grown man/woman is as in love with our child as we are. It's a tough thing to know that your child is grown and creating their own nuclear family but the pay off is that you have a new role, a new and exciting time with its own freedoms but its own losses. And a daughter or son in law that can recognise that and work with you to foster a new relationship must be a lovely thing.

Of course you came on here to rant- understandable, you're hormonal and in love with your new unborn baby- I suspect you say none of this to MIL herself. But you asked AIBU and we answered accordingly. I think also many people would wish that they (and their dh's) were lucky enough to have a mother so in love with her family, or sometimes a mother at all. It's a broad spectrum of experiences reacting to your question.

AIBU is the very depths of the vipers' nest. It is not for the hormonal or the faint hearted.

ShowOfHands · 06/04/2010 11:41

Oh, btw, I would never, ever have stood for somebody touching my bump. My mother asked with sadness once if she could (first granchild and I ran away if she even looked like trying it) and I just couldn't.

If you don't like something then don't be afraid to speak up. You don't have to roll over and let MIL touch your stomach just because she's your MIL. Step away and gently tell her you're sorry but you don't like people touching your stomach but would she like a copy of the scan or to come shopping with you next week or some other nice gesture. Involve her, she loves that baby inside you and one day you'll adore seeing how much that baby loves his/her grandmother.

GoldenSnitch · 06/04/2010 11:43

Both of my babies have slept in the crib that my PIL bought almost 40 years ago when DH's eldest sister was born. All their children have slept in it and now, all of their children's children have slept in it too. I think it's lovely that they're all connected that way.

(It's had a new mattress every time obviously)

Whenever MIL gets my back up, I remember how desperately I loved my Father's parents - my grandparents - and how much I know they loved me. I want my children to have that too so I need to let them have a close relationship with DH's parents for that to happen.

In return, they adore my children just as much as they adore their daughters children. I don't think their relationship is any different with my children at all - they love all 7 GC's just the same

OP, I know it's hard because this is your PFB and you want to protect them and have them all to yourself. Try to remember how much more you can give to your baby by letting your MIL love him/her. She won't be around all the time and this will be your baby, you just might have to share for a little while now and again

120 · 06/04/2010 11:43

I went through this too. Including the patting, comments etc. It got worse when the baby was born eg when I brought her down in the morning 'Good Morning x'. Erm, what about me? D'you think she flew down the stairs?

I had been with DP for 15 years by the time we decided to have kids, and always had a brilliant relationship with MIL. It all changed during my PFB period. I think it is valid to feel that YOU are the mum. That it is YOUR baby and YOUR body.

It has got much better now that I have DS as well, and I have chilled out a lot, but I think it is something each of us has to go through and learn ourselves. When I was first pregnant/had a newborn I really couldn't understand all the baby talk, and all the need to undress them to 'feel the soft baby skin', and all the people coming up and asking questions. I felt they were all really rude.

In retrospect, I now understand it is all nostalgia, but as a new mum it feels rude, threatening and intrusive. It is even worse from people who know you as you somehow become their property.

It does pass though, and (some) perspective does return. I second other opinions on here to try and keep it as toned down as possible, not being rude and just walking away. It will pass eventually as the kids grow up!

GoldenSnitch · 06/04/2010 11:46

"They" is my PIL obviously

KAEKAE · 06/04/2010 11:49

I think it's a bit harsh of you...but
I must admit I never did like it when people would touched my bump not even my own mother so I see your cringe point there!

violentviolet · 06/04/2010 11:50

I shall be the lone voice of dissent with the consensus about the blankets then, as I am pregnant and being given loads of manky doghair covered old blankets and "capes" (wtf!) and thick woolly bonnets with enormous pompoms for my summer baby festooned with scratchy OTT lace and frills and nasty garish ribbons there's no way I'm putting my newborn in, don't care whose they were or who made them. I feel your pain, op!

And as for calling her nasty, that's a bit off isn't it? I'm sure she hasn't been anything but gracious to her mil for the blanket. It was just a grumble!

Surely we're all allowed a bit of leeway when we're pregnant and hormonal, and MN is the place to vent all the things you can't say but are totally entitled to think, imho. YANBU.

fernie3 · 06/04/2010 11:53

YABU cant see the problem really, she isnt trying to steal your baby away and I doubt she actually thinks of the baby as her baby unless she has serious issues you havent mentioned!. My MIL oftne asks about "my baby" or "my little man" or whatever it has never occured to me to find it threatning!. I always remember when my first daughter was born my grandmother (my dads mother) came down and she was hanging back looking really nervous not wanting to go near the baby) and when I asked her about it she told me that my mother would always look uncomfortable when she went near me and would make a fuss if she picked me up/gave me something etc. Thinking back I DO remember my mothers parents havign many many more freedoms with my sister and i than my dads which there as no reason for.
I always think of the nervous way she held my daughter and try and make my MIL feel like she can be close to my children now and the other way around try and think how I would feel if it was my sons baby that I was being asked to stay back from.
saying "my baby" is not crime of the century I think you are being over sensitive.

TheFantasticFixit · 06/04/2010 12:21

Showofhands - your posts above made me cry a little bit.. just lovely. You have a fantastic way with words