Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL at DD's children's birthday party

55 replies

mintymum · 06/04/2010 08:47

when she is invited to a family party on the actual birthday. MIL now refusing to stay-over on the basis that DD goes to bed at 6pm so there's "no point" staying over after that. (transl: hates my parents and doesn't want to spend evening with us all).

Also told me yesterday "I really want to see how she interacts with all the other little children." (in heavy emotional blackmail tone).

Actually am pretty sure DD won't really enjoy party anyway and will just cling onto Daddy for most of it.

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 06/04/2010 09:46

OP - YABU. Let her come, sit in a corner with her DH and a cup of tea and watch. If she's a pain in the bum, then you have a valid reason not to invite her next year. Both sets of grandparents are invited to my DS1's 4th birthday party this year - know they'll love watching DS1 running around with his little friends but be not much help with the games etc but that's not why I want/need them there to be honest.

TheCrackFox · 06/04/2010 09:47

"My Mum is going to be at Children's party but only because she is babysitting for us that night because husband wanted to go to a concert. And also my mum will actually help and be supportive."

I actually think you are being a bit of a cow to your MIL. She can't help it that she is in her 70's and old and would find it hard to help. she would, presumably, get a lot of pleasure from seeing her granddaughter enjoying herself.

I also feel sorry for your DH who might get a bit pissed off that his own mother is treated like a second class granny.

nickschick · 06/04/2010 09:47

YABVU.

Lulumaam · 06/04/2010 09:47

YABVU as your own mum is going to be there, so not having MIL there is rude to her and to your DH too

if she is in her 70s she might be worried she get many more opportunities to see her granddaughter's birthday parties

you don't like her, but don't punish her in this way, you lose all moral high ground if you do!

muddleduck · 06/04/2010 09:48

PMSL at 'second class granny'

sums it all up really.

compo · 06/04/2010 09:48

'"My Mum is going to be at Children's party but only because she is babysitting for us that night '

jeez, does your mum know that?!!!

FakePlasticTrees · 06/04/2010 09:58

she is one of the 3 most important woman in your DD's life. so you don't think she'll be helpful, tough, suck it up, you married into her family.

Make it clear you're going to be looking after the kids and so she'll have to look after herself, she's a grown up, I'm sure she can make herself a brew. she might surprise you with her helpfulness if you give her the chance.

PatsyStone · 06/04/2010 09:59

YABVU.

What FioFio said earlier; one day this could be you and your dil/sil.

The double standards and control freakery some people have when it comes to their dh's (second class) families often astounds me on here.

DinahRod · 06/04/2010 10:03

Because your own mother is going to be there, you should let MIL attend - maybe warn her it's going to be hectic and you thought she'd like being the key guest at the quieter family gathering, but if she wants to come she's more than welcome.

But continue with whatever you intended to do, nor feel you have to care for her, you'll going to be busy enough, she can find herself a chair or join in. Sometimes GPs just love being part of all the excitement (MIL) or sometimes they find that they don't like not being grandchild's focus of attention(FIL) as there are so many other distractions for them, and they don't get personal waitress service (from you). Will be a learning experience!

mowbraygirl · 06/04/2010 12:36

I think some of you are being a bit harsh on mintymum as I can see her point of view. My DD the mother of my 2 GD's has the same problem with her MIL. She and her 2nd husband her DD and her husband come to all the parties and do nothing except sit down and expect to be waited on usually by me. DD and SIL are busy doing games etc. I usually get the food ready and are rushing around making cups of tea etc. for them. After 8 years I have got used to it if they think you may ask them for a little help they rush away to have a cigarette which sometimes lasts 15 minutes. The eldest GD's last party was a BBQ DD asked her friend if she could come and help me cook the food said friend couldn't believe the in-laws the way they rushed to get the food then kept coming back for more. It isn't as if the MIL is old only 66 but her and her DH now have health problems caused by smoking. At least my SIL knows what they are like and really appreciates what DH and I do for them.

deaddei · 06/04/2010 12:43

I don't understand why you have family members at children's parties, when you're having a family do as well.
Mind you, we have never had ILs to any party ever.

hocuspontas · 06/04/2010 12:52

Lol at having a party that the child won't enjoy anyway! WHY WHY WHY bother???????

KAEKAE · 06/04/2010 12:57

I'm sorry I agree if you mother is going to be there then it wouldn't be fair not to have your MIL there...

BitOfFun · 06/04/2010 13:05

How come you are having two parties? Seems like overkill to me.

Hulababy · 06/04/2010 13:11

YABU I think.

Your mum will be there enjoying watching her grandchild at her party.

So why can't your DH's mum be there? Surely you can see that she will feel somewhat put out if your mum is allowed to be there but she isn't?

Give her a job to do at the party. Could she be in charge of making hot drinks for grown ups? Make her feel helpful and included.

"Actually am pretty sure DD won't really enjoy party anyway and will just cling onto Daddy for most of it. "

So why are your throwing the aprty int he first place?

I don't understand allt he staying over malarky? Can MIL just come to the family party and not stay over?

Hulababy · 06/04/2010 13:14

deaddei - DD is 8y and had proper parties from being 3y, most recent being a week ago. Both sets of grandparents always come to the parties. They are invited and they chose to come. They love coming and seeing DD enjoy herself and they do genuinely like to watch DD playing with her friends - a side of her they don't normally get to see. They always help out - they help set up the party, help clear away, help put food out, make drinks for adults, etc. And then after the party they come back to our place, have cake and a drink and watch DD open her gifts from her friends. We on;y ever do one party for DD and it is open to DD's school friends DD's other friends, family friends and children and close family members. Works for us and makes for a lovely celebration.

fallon8 · 06/04/2010 13:26

what happens if you are ever a MIL and you get left out?

deaddei · 06/04/2010 13:42

Hulababy- you have lovely ILS!!
Mine are vile and I don't have any parents....so we have only ever had "childrens" parties- ie no adults.

Hulababy · 06/04/2010 13:44

That is true. We are very lucky that both me and Dh get on really well with both sets of parents. I guess as we met at 16y we have known each others parents for so long and initially met them as "hildren" pretty much, so have a different type of relationship with them than other ILs might have when meeeting when all are adults.

Rosebud05 · 06/04/2010 13:48

Well, I might be a lone voice saying YANBU, though I suspect that that's because your MILs sounds lots like my mum and she's HARD WORK.

However, whilst I think it's reasonable that you don't want her there, given that your mum will be there, I don't think you can really say no.

Last year, my mum came down on dd's actual bd, then came to the largish party we had, along with MIL. On the plus side, I felt the box of duty to be well and truly ticked for quite a while.

This year, both grandmas came on the day and neither to the small party.

The long-term stress of not inviting her won't be worth it, believe me. Just grit your teeth and it'll be over before you know it.

Hope it goes well, though it might be worth thinking about a smaller party next year if you don't think that dd will enjoy a big one.

Less stress all round.

deaddei · 06/04/2010 13:49

I am jealous hulababy

skidoodly · 06/04/2010 13:52

YABU

If your mother is going to be at the children's party then you can't really bar your MIL from going.

I think it would be fine to have a totally separate children's party, but you're not doing that if members of your family will attend.

tootiredtothink · 06/04/2010 13:54

YABVU - and pretty nasty imo.

I don't always get on with my MIL but I will never do anything to upset her relationship with her grandchildren.

What does your dh say about this? I hope he has the balls to tell you to grow up.

stealthsquiggle · 06/04/2010 14:04

YANBU not to want her there, but I don't think you really have an option.

Actually you may find she is useful. My MIL is not as active as my DM, but when 3yo DD got a bit tired and tearful at her party, and DH, DM and I were busy organising things and talking to people, it was to Grandma's lap that she retreated for a while until she got her second wind.

giveitago · 06/04/2010 15:02

YABU

OK, she's an undermining cow and won't be able to entertain herself.

  1. undermining cow - get your dh to deal with this once and for all
  1. she will jolly well have to look after herself at your daughter's party.

I loathe my mil - she has done a brill job at playing nasty little games that have had an awful impact on my marriage (and her kids actually) but if my mum were at a party I'd always invite her.

Battles can be for later - not for kiddies parties.

INVITE THE WOMAN and if she does the little undermining digs your mum will be there to scare her off.

It's your dd's party - it's not about you or her.

Do the right thing on that day. Be a bigger person than her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread