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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable sports widow?

28 replies

DrDoobs · 05/04/2010 19:35

DH is a very keen cyclist and currently training for a big ride in the summer (100 mile+ over very big french mountains). We're on holiday for 3 days next week and I'd like to have 3 days where he isn't off on his bike for hours but is with me and the 3 DC for the whole 3 days. He has suggested that he cycles to the holiday cottage (2 hr drive, 5 hr cycle) and back so that he doesn't have to train whilst we are away - I can't see why he can't just not train for 3 days. After all it's not like he's going to win the damn cycle ride or anything.

Would be interested to see what others think and how they deal with being a sports widow.

OP posts:
pinkmook · 05/04/2010 19:40

Oh God I feel your pain - my DH is also a keen cyclist and qualified for the GB team for the world duathlon champs last year (he never went though because were in the middle of IVF - but my god it caused some rows!)

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all but I dont really have any constructive arguments to back you up as I'm still in the middle of this scenario myself and DH always seems to get the emotional upper hand by saying he is entitled to have a pleasure in life and he wouldnt stop me if I wanted to do similar

We acttually went on holiday alone while he did a qualifier for the bloody world duathlon thing cause it was the same weekend grr.

But I sympathise

2rebecca · 05/04/2010 19:47

Why is his idea so unreasonable? It's not eating into holiday time as car journeys are the boring bit. We both exercise quite alot and if you're a competitive sports person 3 days without training is a long time. We've always managed to combine sport and holidays/stuff with kids. Is the problem that you don't have a hobby you want to do on your own? I'd hate it if my husband wanted me to spend all my spare time with him just because he had no hobbies and wanted me to be his hobby. Different if he's never taking his turn of looking after the kids or if you have no time altogether, but why is it so important to you that he does no sport for the whole 3 days? We've fitted in training first thing on a morning before ready to go out.
His idea sounds as though it has no real impact on your holiday time, unless you aren't keen on driving/ the kids are a pain in the car.

FakePlasticTrees · 05/04/2010 20:26

Is it that you don't want to do the drive on your own?

However, if seems a little OTT for a 100 mile race as an amateur to not be able to take 3 days off... does he have a coach? Could his coach not plan round 3 days off, that would be reasonable unless he's professional and I've got this wrong. (Even then, taking time off isn't unheard of, BIL /DH have been /currently are at a high level in their sports and regularly have training breaks)

Is his sport training eating into family time overall? DH has changed his training to allow for more time with DS, he's taken to going to the gym at lunchtime rather than after work and has been out at ungodly hours for bike rides to be there for DS on the weekend as much as possible. If it is, you need to have a talk not just about this holiday, but where his priorities lie.

Original poster
DrDoobs · 05/04/2010 20:54

I just think the idea was for us to go away as a family - not for me to go away with the kids and us see him for a bit in the middle. The travel is as much the trip I hitnk - especially on a short trip.

I am a bit unreasonable as he does try to fit his stuff around us (evenings after kids are in bed etc) but it does bug me that we can't ever have even a wee break from it...

He's amateur but has done iron men in the past which was worse - more hours. partly I think I feel guilty for not being more supportive...(but it can be hard ot be supportive when sitting in a cold field for 4 hours with 2 under 5s cheering once an hour as he comes past)

OP posts:
Original poster
DrDoobs · 05/04/2010 20:55

BTW it's la mamotte in June (spelling??) that he's training for...

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wukter · 05/04/2010 21:02

My Dp is the same in many ways, DRDoobs, I do think he is entitled to his hobby. WE try and split time 3 ways - him time, me time and family time. I wouldn't like it if he tried to stop me doing my hobby, tbh.
(my hobby is only messing around on tinternet, but still)

fluffles · 05/04/2010 21:05

if it's only a 2hr drive then i think his idea is a great one - you'll easily survive a 2hr drive with the DCs - would be different if it were 6hrs with a stop..

and your DH will be sooo much more relaxed if he knows he's getting his training in somehow.

i am training for a half marathon and if i gave up a weekend's training for the family then i'd have a niggle all the time about the training not done and the prospect of making a fool of myself on the day of the half because of not training enough.

chandellina · 05/04/2010 21:05

YABU because it sounds like he has come up with a good compromise. I see that you feel the travel is part of the trip, but maybe you can readjust your expectation so that the trip starts when you arrive?

for anyone training like that, three full days off is a lot - and not really having anything to do with placing or winning.

Original poster
DrDoobs · 05/04/2010 21:06

you are all right - i knew deep down I was unreasonable. poo. now extra guilty.

OP posts:
fuzzyfelt · 05/04/2010 21:08

I think it's a good compromise. If he doesn't do the cycle there and back, he may fret that he's missing out on training and not relax and enjoy those 3 days away. That's what my DH would do anyway. X

cktwo · 05/04/2010 21:10

Hi DD, I feel your pain. DH has to take bike on every single holiday we go on.
This year we're going to Majorca (natch) and I've allowed the bike to go only becuase I've got superduper hotel on beach and we're half board.
It's all about compromise but it's not easy. He wants to have 2-3 hour rides, I don't want to be abandoned with kids. Don't feel guilty, you're not the only bike-widow out there.

BendyBob · 05/04/2010 21:19

I just knew when I clicked on this it'd be cycling.

Cycling has caused quite a few heated debates over the years here. I feel your pain. Oh yes

Dh has mellowed with age wrt the endless training; and I can manage better now the dc are older.

But in years gone by being left again and again with three dc under 3yrs used to cause problems (putting it politely).

Mind you he's still off to France again soon..

cktwo · 05/04/2010 21:23

Did any of you mind the training before you had children? For me, once we had the kids, it was the time away from home that was a sore point. It's definately easier now the girls are older. (although I do miss our summer trips to France for the TdF)

MammyT · 05/04/2010 21:26

It could be much MUCH worse - let me spell a four letter word.. GOLF!!

Takes up to 4 hours every round, tee times are unpredictable ('yes it really does have to be 11.17am on a Saturday afternoon') and if it goes badly, you'll have a grumpy husband all day.

I'd swap for the odd cycle ride any day

YABU I fear..

pinkmook · 05/04/2010 21:26

I'd echo what cktwo says - dont feel guilty, its hard when everything has to be arranged to fit the cycling round. Have a nice holiday though

cktwo · 05/04/2010 21:30

MammyT - you get a grumpy husband if the weather dares be too windy/cold/wet and the darling bike (DB?) doesn't get an outing

wukter · 05/04/2010 21:32

don't talk to me about the weather, DP paces in front of the window like a caged lion when it's bad.

QuintessentialShadow · 05/04/2010 21:32

thank you op.
You just reminded me of this old thread of mine Your dh sounds just like mine. (do read for some comic value

DH always cycle to such places, he normally set off many hours before me and the kids.

He has done the journey referred to on that other thread, twice. The total of that journey was more than I expected, as I the leg on the other side of the sea was A LOT more than 20 km, more like another 60.

fluffles · 05/04/2010 21:38

my DP (soon to be DH) has moved from the road bike to the mountain bike and life has improved 100%

mainly because mountain bike trails are generally in nice places where we can take a picnic or camp (i'm quite outdoorsy too) but also because a good mtb ride will be 2-3hrs whereas a 'good' road bike ride used to be 4-5hrs

i'd start leaving mtb magazines lying around if i were you

Original poster
DrDoobs · 06/04/2010 20:28

cktwo - didn't mind before children so much - now it does feel he's missing out sometimes.

fluffles - unfortunately DH has moved from mountain biking to road biking (on account of no hills round us). however, he's moving into road racing so maybe that will shorten stuff?
wukter - does he not have a turbotrainer in the garage that he can ride on??

La marmot was meant to be less training than an iron man as we have an 11 week old (DC3), not really turning out that way tho...
still glad it's not golf; def prefer lycra and cycling legs to pastel jumpers !

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Original poster
DrDoobs · 06/04/2010 21:05

Quintessential - that WAS bonkers! Makes a cycle to norfolk look mild.

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fallon8 · 06/04/2010 22:39

or rugby, esepcially this year, as the team, apparently are crap, this sense of gloom descends, all over a bloody game with afunny shaped ball adn the games seem to go on for hours all over the w/e.

fallon8 · 06/04/2010 22:40

Its the scottish team which are crap by all accounts, why watch it then? he gets so bad tempered

pinkmook · 07/04/2010 17:07

DrDoobs can I just use your thread to have a small rant/vent about cycling?

DH came home early from work today and watched cycling for an hour before we set off on a trip to a cycling shop to look at cycling shoes, where he talked about cycling for the whole journey (while I attempted to change to subject - to no avail)looked at shoes then came home where he told me amusing cycling anecdotes from his training session last night all the way home.

We got home and he watched another 45 mins of cycling, periodically interuppting my book to try and draw me into conversations about the cycling on the TV. Then he looked at cycling stuff on ebay for half an hour and he's now in the shed messing with cycles/cycle parts.

When he is not actually doing the cycling, which he devotes a minimum of 15-20 hours per week, he is talking about it, looking at it on the internet, watching it on british eurosport, texting/ringing his cycling buddies about it, buying stuff to do with it, in the local bike shop talking to other bike bores enthusiasts about it, reading about it in books and magazines or out in the shed pulling apart/building bits of bike equipment.

Then today when I could take no more and started to roll my eyes and give one word answers to his lecture about cycling, he has the front to get moody and pissed off that I'm "not interested in anything he likes"

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

and can I just say

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH

I cant stand any more! I HATE CYCLING!

Phew feel better for that.

As you were

Original poster
DrDoobs · 07/04/2010 19:44

ROFL pinkmook.

Am sneaking looks at thread whilst DH is out on turbotrainer in garage. AIBU to post a question about him? - he'd be mortified!

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