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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'judging' is not in and of itself an intrinsically 'bad thing'?

55 replies

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2010 16:06

I see so many threads where judgements are made by posters (whether asked for or not), about the actions or opinions of another and invariably someone will pipe up with 'how very dare you judge this person when you don't know them etc.'.

It irks me, not necessarily because I think the person/s who made the judgement is right, they may well be talking a load of arse, but merely that I value the right to make judgements and voice opinions. If they are wrong they can be disproved by reasoned arguement, sometimes there is no clear right and wrong.

Pussyfooting around blandly stating that it s wrong to judge the actions of others does not make the world a better place. I am pretty tolerant, but that does not prevent me from judging behaviours and opinions expressed around me, my husband is postively old testament in his ability to make cold hard judgements of others (all people who like classical music are nobs etc.!). Which is irritating and entertaining in equal measure but at least he isn't bland,he cares deeply about things, you can have a heated discussion with him. The people who make my heart sink are those whom profess to have no opinions 'i like all types of music' ...

So go on disagree with me - make my day!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 05/04/2010 17:36

LOL!

damnedchilblains · 05/04/2010 17:37

"I value the right to make judgements and voice opinions. If they are wrong they can be disproved by reasoned arguement, sometimes there is no clear right and wrong." YANBU.

Everybody judges, rightly or wrongly. It's likely the moment you meet somebody you judge them and form an opinion about them, nice or not, and the more you talk to them and get to know them you are likely to have your judgement confirmed or proven wrong.

I do think it is opinion's we are dealing with however, as opposed to judgements I'll be following you over to pedants corner miggsie

BritFish · 05/04/2010 17:40

im being judges for judging someone on my thread. its sort of like, well, im not saying this person is a horrible bad person and should burn in hell, you must all think all ive done is sit around and think about this...
i totally agree with this.

people are like-stop judging! its like, you have ever right to say that, but its an internet forum where we regular discuss the actions of others. thats judging.

oh and isnt that how you form opinions, by judging someone?
i like my friends because i judge them, they are all bonkers and hilarious and thats why i love them!

i love threads where there's an OP like:

"AIBU to want to rip this twats head off"
"someone stole my DD's wheelchair to use for crack money, i hope he and his family burn in hell"

where my instinctive reaction is: thats awful, i hope he gets stuck in a combine harvester.

some people post stuff like 'how awful of you to condemn his family to death blah blah'
'he could have mental issues, you horrible person you dont understand'
'how do you know it was money for crack? maybe his family couldnt afford food'
'my cousin actually had his head ripped off after he stole someone's wheelchair, YABU'
etc etc.

its like: hes a twat, we should gut him, stop being so...SENSITIVE.

bibbitybobbityhat · 05/04/2010 17:44

I'm not judgey by default, I think I am quite liberal and easy going.

But I do judge people who can't post coherently and who use the word "like" like a teenager .

tethersend · 05/04/2010 17:48

I get frustrated at the AIBUs that don't ask me to judge-

'AIBU to think the sky is blue?'

Well, no, clearly not. What a discussion.

Cue 10 pages of YANBU.

Judgement makes things fun.

Original poster
Bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2010 17:48

Miggsie I meant judgement, as in I judge that people who like classical music are nobs (someone mentioned that their dh didn't think classical music had a tune tWas not mine) - it is not a particularly defensible stance but as it isn't mine, I don't need to defend it.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 05/04/2010 17:55

I think the 'you shouldn't judge' line is as bad for society as ' you should do what you like as long as it makes you happy' and 'happy baby = happy mummy'

The thing is with all those statements is that sometimes and to some degree they are true!

But as blanket statements they basically let people off the hook and set no standards for behaviour at all - a situation which cannot a happy, productive society make

Of course we should use our discrimination to make judgements. I think we should remember though to always try to be reflective and ensure that we are making judgements not just giving voice to prejudices.

MissJacksonIfYourNasty · 05/04/2010 17:55

Not opposed to making judgements per se, but I am opposed to the snidey, cat's-bum-mouth attitude that some people take towards other people's parenting. This whole 'watch everything other parents do with a amgnifying glass and condemn, condemn, condemn anything you don't agree with!' trend really fucks me off.

OrmRenewed · 05/04/2010 18:14

No of course you are right.

Calling a spade a spade and speaking your mind is always a wonderful thing, as you of course always know all the facts of a case

Original poster
Bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2010 18:29

Orm as I clearly did not say that all judgements were correct just that I valued the ability to make, and the value within a discussion of making, a judgement - I can only conclude that really you do agree with me and enjoy a mass debate as much as anyone.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 05/04/2010 18:32

i rarely judge people in real life, truthfully. i try to just get on with what i'm doing myself.

try to keep away from aibu and try to see the other side usually. and people seem to happy to pile on in to make someone feel like crap which doesn't sit well with me.

BritFish · 05/04/2010 18:32

bibbitybobbityhat

i have just read my post back and groaned and judged myself.
feel free to judge me for spending too much time with my daughter this easter and being INFECTED!

Original poster
Bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2010 18:35

Yes missjackson, if you are going to judge you must do it with, panache, humour, compassion and intelligence.

But if the catbummouth people judge me it bothers me not as I judge them right back for having a catsbummouth!

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/04/2010 18:37

Making judgements is a completely involuntary reaction
I do not make rational assessments
judgements just pop into my head uninvited
of course on mumsnet we are presented with evidence then asked to judge

and agree wrt 'all types of music'
v wet and bland
I would rather converse with someone with strong opinions, regardless of their similarity to mine

no one wants to embark on informed debate with a wet lettuce

OrmRenewed · 05/04/2010 18:39

Well on the subject of music I judge very much - most of what is in the charts is banal, tedious bollocks. So there.

Original poster
Bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2010 18:53

couldn't agree more - chart muic is bollocks - in fact the chart itself is bollocks as it does not include illegal downloads - not like in my day when we saved our pocket money and buy 7" in Woolies - (bmsa displaying exactly long in the tooth she is)

OP posts:
DaisymooSteiner · 05/04/2010 18:53

I've been wanting to post something like this for years. Of course it's normal and reasonable to judge other people's behaviour. IMHO what isn't OK is when we find fault in other people in order to make us feel better about our own shortcomings or ignore our own bad behaviour whilst criticising others.

I do make judgements about things that I see going on around me. However, I (try to) also reflect on my own behaviour and find ways of improving on the way I live my life.

Ellokitty · 06/04/2010 17:44

I think people who claim that they are not judgmental / do not judge are just hypocrites. Either that, or they really do agree with the sex offender who is campaigning to legalise sex with children (if they give their consent).

Of course, when put like that, they will then say they don't agree with that - so they have made a judgement.

We are all judgmental at times, just some choose to be judgmental about different things to other people. Some like to judge on Fruitshoots / Greggs pies, for others its 4x4 cars, or being a SAHM or WOHM. It might be use of grammar, or whatever. But the fact is, we all do it, and we all have our little issues that we are judgmental about - now some people might have more 'issues' than others, but we all do it.

tittybangbang · 06/04/2010 17:47

YABU

There is no such thing as 'right' and 'wrong'. Or 'good' or 'bad'. Not any more.

Only 'what's right for you', or 'what suits your family'.

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 17:50

Most people who sneer about 'judging' are judging the judger....we all, no exceptions, make judgements.

Staggers · 06/04/2010 17:51

Isn't it an ongoing way of defining the norms of our society, or that portion of it with which we wish to identify ourselves?

princessparty · 06/04/2010 17:52

I sometimes read threads where posters are condemning some poor mother for something very trivial, like giving their kids a pot noodle.
Then on another thread board you find out that they are 'known' to SS.
Judge not others lest you be ju8dged yourself!

MrsForHowLong · 06/04/2010 18:00

Britfish....like, does your daughter live in California, like?

skihorse · 06/04/2010 18:24

YANBU.

If you don't judge then you can't have your moral/fashion compass set. If you don't have any form of standards for yourself, are you amoeba?

Anyone who claims they're not judgemental is just bloody deluded.

coldtits · 06/04/2010 18:26

Judging from a standpoint of ignorance doesn't make me want to debate with someone, it makes me want to leave the room and not come back until they have either been educated or exterminated.