Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to wonder why people put up with being treated like crap by partners?

41 replies

abbierhodes · 04/04/2010 19:07

It depresses me to read on here about all the people who put up with spouses who are abusive, manipulative, controlling, drunk or violent.

My DH has his faults, of course, but he treats me with respect. We're equal partners in a relationship. We argue, of course, and I don't claim to have the perfect life (far from it!) but I have no fear that he will hit, or call me names, or manipulate me. I'm not saying all that to be smug, I realise I'm lucky to have him (as he is me!)but it just saddens me that some people accept less from a relationship.

I find it shocking to read about people who live their lives walking on eggshells, putting up with all kinds of crap, allowing their DCs to witness the way they are treated...

In this day and age, there is no reason for it. We are educated, and free to live our lives as we choose.

How, as a society, can we change this?

OP posts:

Foxymona · 04/04/2010 19:11

Some people prefer to be abused than to be alone. Some people don't have the money or the resources to leave- some don't have the courage. Some people believe in marriage vows to the extreme. And for some love is blind.

We can't fix it as a society. A society, after all, is made up of individuals each with their own personal experiences, motives and fears and will ultimately do what ever they choose. You can only be there to pick up the pieces.

Glad there is at least one person out there fully appreciative of what they have

meatntattypie · 04/04/2010 19:13

Its NOT that black and white though is it.

I have no idea at all why my sister puts up with her partner, i have no idea why my sisters partner puts up with her.
they are suited, they have a son together.
Its all she knows, its all he knows, they appear miserable yet happy and defo could not live apart.
Its the way they choose to live.

Original poster

abbierhodes · 04/04/2010 19:15

I just wonder if, as a society, we can help by educating people? I work with teenagers, and a big part of my focus is to do with raising self-esteem....but it's just a drop in the ocean!!!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 04/04/2010 19:18

Yes I think education would help. Most people in abusive relationships are repeating patterns learned from childhood - a lot of people think that a happy relationship is a "myth". But equally the abusers themselves could do with some education about relationships!

Oblomov · 04/04/2010 19:19

saddens me to see a general lack of confidence by posters on MN.

QOD · 04/04/2010 19:20

meatntattypie are you my sister? LOL
We like/hate each other. COuldnt take dd away from her life, she is happy, we are ok, I wish I could win the lottery or he would piss off!

Original poster

abbierhodes · 04/04/2010 19:26

"But equally the abusers themselves could do with some education about relationships!"

Bertiebotts, I completely agree with that. I think abuse is learned behaviour, as is putting up with abuse. I just wish I had a magic wand to be honest. I truly hope my children grow up with respect for themselves and others...I suppose all we can do as parents is set the best example we know how to. Unfortunately there are too many parents who don't know how to set that example.

OP posts:

meatntattypie · 04/04/2010 19:28

see now my sister adores her partner. But they bicker and argue ALL the time. I dont htink i have heard them have a proper converstaion EVEr and they have been together for 15 years or more.
I couldnt stand to be spoken to argued with like that constantly it must be exhausting.

I cant understand it, really i cant.

RaceyLacey · 04/04/2010 19:29

Sometimes you don't realise you're being treated that way. You can see others being treated like that, but can't step out of your own skin and see that it's happening to you. And when you do realise you are too damn scared to leave.

Unfortunately I don't think there's anything we can do as a society. As individuals all we can do is be there when the person is strong enough to get out.

ManicMother7777 · 04/04/2010 19:44

OP you are being simplistic, sorry! Of course there are reasons for it. Yes, there are choices but the practical and financial constraints can totally negate those choices, and although things may be bad and you are treated badly, the alternatives might be worse. I was very unhappily married but because I was a SAHM at the time I had no cash of my own at all. The only alternatives to staying put were to take dc and move back with parents 200 miles away, which would have brought its own problems (and anyway solicitor advised me not to move away) or put myself and dc in the hands of the council. Putting up with being treated badly was actually the best option, when weighed up against the alternatives, especially as he's a good father.

Fimbow · 04/04/2010 19:54

I have known my bil/sil for 17 years and have never ever known them to have a civil conversation with each other. They have full on rows in front of us and pil, which upsets mil. Bil did have an affair but sil took him back, it quietened them down for a while but they are back at it again.

MrsVidic · 04/04/2010 20:02

Because it never starts out as abusive. It start out as the love of your life, the one who can make everything ok. You get treated well and then slowly they make themselves the only person in your life and you never realise it.

Then the comments start- not abusive at first more questioning- for example- 'are you really going to wear that?' etc.

Then when your self esteem is shattered by the emotional abuse- they start becoming verbally or physically abusive. And do you know what- you blame yourself- you actually think you are responsible.

Then when you finally realise you want to leave- you realise you have no control over your own money, you are shit scared and it is the hardest thing you have ever had to do.

I am a police officer- I am confident, competant and don't take shit. I was also in an abusive realtionship for 2.5 years and it took more stregnth to leave than I thought possible.

Having said that it was without doubt the best thing I have ever done as I now have a good man and a fab daughter.

MrsVidic · 04/04/2010 20:04

sorry for the rant its just not that simple op

Original poster

abbierhodes · 04/04/2010 20:57

Manicmother7777, I understand what you are saying. I am being simplistic...because I wish life was that simple! Being unhappy in a relationship is not the same as being abused though. I don't know which applies to your relationship, of course, but if your partner was abusive to you in any way then he is not a good father. That, I feel, is black and white.

Mrsvidic I didn't see your post as a rant, it's a very insightful explanation actually, and makes a lot of sense.

Please understand me, I did not start this thread as a dig at people in abusive relationships. I do understand why people put up with them, I worded the title badly. It just frustrates me when I read on here that so many women are unhappy...I wonder how we can break this cycle. I'm sure we all want our daughters to have higher expectations of men.

I put up with a controlling, manipulative man for several years myself. I'm thankful that no children were involved in that relationship, and yes, things could have turned out differently for me if I'd had a family to consider. But even looking back, I wonder why I put up with it. And he wasn't abusive, nothing compared to what some people on here are experiencing...but it took me a long time to make choices that would make me happy. So many women put up with the same, and much, much worse. It just saddens me.

OP posts:

MrsVidic · 04/04/2010 21:03

I think a lot of the time- especially with emotional abuse the victim doesn't know its happening and the offender underestimates the harm/ consquences of their actions. They do not see it as abuse but as for the others own good.

My ex tried to be my friend on FB- I sent him an email explaining how, although I hoped he was happy as his behaviour was so abusive and damaging to me I did not want him as a friend. He had no idea- played dumb- said he was sorry I felt like that and we he thought we both had made mistakes and he had forgiven me? FFS!

I just walked away- didn't even reply-

GladioliBuckets · 04/04/2010 21:05

I know what you're saying OP, I remember posting something similar some time ago. One of the responses guessed correctly that I had grown up with strong female role models. Made me realise that some people (male or female) simply don't have the self-belief I do.

That and the effect of the slow drip drip drip of negativity that can make a person so worn down compared to the one they were at the start of the relationship.

But yes, I often want to shout the Simpsons quote at people "Get confident, Stupid!"

Tortington · 04/04/2010 21:05

we are not free so far from it.

giving up your home, the kids schools, friends, joint friends, kids friends - your whole lifestyle - its not as easy as just saying that becuase he treats you like shit some of the time you should give it up. much more complicated.

Longtalljosie · 04/04/2010 21:13

Exactly what MrsVidic said. I remember being in a flatshare with a girl whose boyfriend spoke to her like she was worthless. I remember thinking there was no way I would ever put up with that.

And yet within less than a year I was in an abusive relationship and putting up with far, far worse. These people are good at what they do. It's insidious. There was an excellent thread on the warning signs though, which was very illuminating and entirely true...

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2010 21:15

most of these abusive men dont shout/swear/attack/call names etc ....until one day....this could apply to anyone,even those almost dp/dh's out there....never think that it wont happen to you,cos it might!!

GladioliBuckets · 04/04/2010 21:17

On the subject of what can we do, I guess we should say it as we see it? Might not be any of our business but aren't we all supposed to say no to bullying? Sometimes the controlling person may not even realise they do it or that it's not acceptable. IMO Men esp won't notice there's a problem unless it's spelled out for them.
My mum once told both my brother and his wife off after she noticed his wife was constantly watching his responses before making her own. They were both pretty but I assume had a good talk about it.

minxofmancunia · 04/04/2010 21:18

Agree with custardo, i've had probs with my dh and I've contemplated and almost left but it's about weighing things up, sometimes our relationship is terrible, sometimes it's ok and it has been great.

just because people argue and bicker shouldn't always herald the edn of the relationship, or necessarily mean a "bad" relationship. The owmen I know who never argue or take issue with their partners have a peaceful, yet compromised life for the sake of "keeping the peace".

And the truth of it is I've been a bitch to him as well, which is also unacceptable. When I've posted about it on here however he's "abusive" and I'm "provoked". The truth is far more complex.

Longtalljosie · 04/04/2010 21:22

Ah here it is

Gladioli - generally they will tell you they never had a problem with anger / temper until they met you

Original poster

abbierhodes · 04/04/2010 21:23

Mrsvidic it's worrying that your ex didn't see the damage he'd done..strangely unsurprising though...I do think most emotional abusers don't realise they're doing it.

Gladiolibuckets you're right, I have grown up with strong female role models...not always a good thing, they've not always treated their men brilliantly either. I tried to leave gender out of this at first, because men put up with emotional abuse too.

Custardo (may I call you custy? ) I think my point is that I wish women would leave the guy before they became so embroilled in a life with him that it was difficult, does that make sense?

I just wish that as young people we were taught more about relationships as a whole, and the effects of treating people badly. It's too simple to suggest that the schools tackle this, as kids learn more at home from what they see at school. But perhaps it would be a start?

Sorry, I realise I've started this thread and I have far more questions than answers!!

OP posts:

GladioliBuckets · 04/04/2010 22:01

Ok let's all do something (small) about it now. How about we all put theRefuge Link on our Facebook status for our friends to read?

2old4thislark · 04/04/2010 22:02

agree with custardo.

Trouble is we fall in love with Mr Perfect, get embroiled with mortgages, kids etc and then notice that Jim Royle is sitting on the sofa next to you.....

I sometimes wonder if I would be happier on my own but when you have a nice house and an OK life, is it worth throwing that away just because you get fed up sometimes?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread