to wonder why people put up with being treated like crap by partners?

[abbierhodes]

It depresses me to read on here about all the people who put up with spouses who are abusive, manipulative, controlling, drunk or violent.

My DH has his faults, of course, but he treats me with respect. We're equal partners in a relationship. We argue, of course, and I don't claim to have the perfect life (far from it!) but I have no fear that he will hit, or call me names, or manipulate me. I'm not saying all that to be smug, I realise I'm lucky to have him (as he is me!)but it just saddens me that some people accept less from a relationship.

I find it shocking to read about people who live their lives walking on eggshells, putting up with all kinds of crap, allowing their DCs to witness the way they are treated...

In this day and age, there is no reason for it. We are educated, and free to live our lives as we choose.

How, as a society, can we change this?

Good idea Gladioli. I won't as I am pretty sure my ex reads my facebook at the moment and I am trying to keep things friendly between us for DS' sake, but I will go and post it on a forum somewhere instead, I am sure I have some logins for old forums I never use any more.

I'm continuously amazed/saddened by so many "oh I could leave but I have such a lovely house and I've just got new cushions and look, the piece de resistance - a DADO!"

I was 21 when I finally got the bloody hint and left my abusive partner of 5 years and ended up in a refuge. I had been "trained" to accept abuse, his family was disfunctional in that in his household the men were bullies...

All these years later I am far, far more confident and know what I will and will not accept and I find it sad that so many women in their 30s are putting up with this bollocks - as I say, especially the ones who have a "nice life". There is nothing "nice" about finding yourself sleeping with a knife under your pillow because you don't know what sort of a mood he's going to be in when he finally rolls in...

I also hate this whining of "where are all the good men? are all men bastards?". There a thousands, nay, tens of thousands of good, kind, loving men out there - stop thinking with your clitorii

I know I'm being a bit ranty about this but I find it SOOO effing annoying that any justification for not removing yourself (and your children) from danger is "but I have a detached house you know. And a car." WTF? Is the veneer on people's lives really so thin?

Will you/we look back on our death beds (some sooner than others if they stay of course) and think "our radio iron gates really were beautiful".

Is that what women want from life? A house worth of Country & Homes magazine? In which case we really do need to be acting upon women's self-esteem and teaching them that there is more to life than having a frickin' dust-buster under the sink to suck up "cupcake crumbs" from the 3000 quid kitchen table.

I think education early on in life would help. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 20. My parents had a terrible relationship and I already had low self esteem. I had no reference point for what a healthy relationship looked like so I just thought that that was how it was, he was my first sexual partner. It was such a horrible and damaging experience, I just wish I had felt better about myself at the time so I could have got out earlier.

I am in education now and I am trying to develop some work in this area. I have only just started but I hope I can come up with something decent that will be of help to someone.

I agree with what mostly everyone has said on here. Very few men (or women as the case may be) start out as abusers. If your partner was like that at the outset of a relationship, you would simply walk wouldn't you? But an abuser starts out sweet and lovely and gets you to fall in love with them. Then, when you think everything is going well, they very slowly begin to show their true colours - slowly enough that you either don't notice it getting worse or you are too emotionally and financially involved that you cannot see a way out.

I had a very brief relationship with an abuser when I started university. I was moving 500 miles away from family friends and was completely alone. At that time, the University offered a forum for new students to connect with each other over the summer, prior to starting uni. I "met" my roommate in advance as well as other women who became very good friends - I also met Sebastien. He was absolutely lovely and told me everything I wanted to hear. When I moved up to university he was there waiting for me outside of my residence. We spent the next few weeks spending every spare minute together. It was wonderful - I thought I was in love. Then he very slowly started suggesting we have sex and eventually the suggestion turned much more forceful. It ended one night in my halls of residence - after messing around for a bit he became insistent that we should have sex. I kept saying no and he completely lost his temper and flipped. He called me a cock tease and punched me in the face repeatedly until my roomate and her boyfriend walked in. My roomate rang the police and her boyfriend sat on Sebastien so he couldn't get out of the room. I had a broken nose, lost 2 teeth and was generally a mess.

We were together for about 3 months and I completely believed that he was one of the good guys. I cannot imagine how trapped women would feel when they have been with someone for years, have a home and children together.

I'm sorry, I've ranted. I would love to see something done about this issue, but I think first we need to appreciate that people are abusers, not just men (sorry, but I think men sometimes get a pretty raw deal on MN). The issue is huge, but it is also very hidden - not many men and women who are being abused have the strength to leave and start their life over again. So what do we do? Personally, I listen very carefully to my friends and family when they are talking about their relationships and am ready to give my perspective and help if I think it would be welcomed.

People learn to abuse and/or to be abused in their childhood, mostly in their families. And then they take their behavioural patterns with them into the outside world, and repeat them.

I am very vigilant about ensuring my children learn to defend themselves.

75% of women who endure physical abuse from the men they live with, are pregnant or within a year of having their first baby.

They don't start hitting you until you are extremely emotionally, socially and psychologically (and sometimes financally) dependent upon them.

Skihorse, I'm sorry you're talkng bollocks. Maybe the women you know endure abuse because they like their cushions, but to imply that that's a common reason for women not being able to leave abusive relationships, is really bloody offensive and trivialising the experience of victims of DV.

herb There is a thread on relationships right now with a woman living in a refuge TODAY saying "I had to leave my detatched house...". Great, I'm glad she's left but I think it says a LOT about low self-esteem - that a woman believes her worth comes via her home.

I'm sorry you find that patronising. In fact in this very thread someone mentions their "Lovely house" and "nice life". I hope she's not a victim herself, but there are many many out there hiding bruises under their clothes.

I have been in a refuge as a victim of domestic violence, I've got an idea of what goes on - so, do me a favour and don't patronise ME!

So what if there's a thread on this at the moment? It's still fucking offensive to imply that valuing material goods is the main reason why women don't leave abusive relationships. It's not patronising to point that out. Just because you've come across women whom you have judged to have that reason for not leaving, doesn't mean that a) you are right about their reasons and b) this is a widespread reason for women not leaving.

I think that the nice house thing is more symptomatic though. I don't think anyone actually thinks "Oh, I can't leave because I will lose my lovely gold edged cushions" - it's just that the house, the furniture, all of that is symbolic of everything you have built up together. When most people leave an abusive relationship, they leave with nothing - no clothes, sofas, etc, but also no self-esteem, no confidence, no trust, etc. You feel this loss but you probably aren't aware of it as much as it's easier to quantify what you have lost (or what you stand to lose) in material things. Also if you're not in a (mental) place to leave then you will make all sorts of excuses to yourself.

And also, I think that it is shit to have to leave the home you have built up with all your things in it - I have as much sympathy for someone fleeing DV to someone who has lost everything due to fire or bankruptcy or war or whatever. And of course being safe is more important, but it's still OK to be sad about what you have left behind.

Very well said Bertie! I think you have summed it up perfectly.

But it's this kind of relationship that can make a woman feel she is worth less than the furniture. If she is constantly being told how lucky she is, how she'd be nothing without him, rewarded for keeping quiet, given expensive gifts to confuse with love, that the fact she has the material stuff (if paid for by him) is all she has of worth and that he can dump her penniless anytime he likes. Bertie's right about it being symptomatic, it's a gilded cage to keep her rational mind busy and bewildered.

I do find it hard to be a supportive friend to someone in an abusive relationship, much as I understand some of the dynamics and practicalities. Especially when they say 'I don't want to end up on my own', like me I suppose! But that is a real fear and a symptom of the abuse I suppose, not realising they can go it alone and be so much happier.

A friend recently left to go into a refuge but a few days later, in the middle of the night, she went back to him. She is making plans to move into her own house soon, but I worry about her a lot.

I am staying until I have saved enough for a deposit and a months rent in advance.
When I do go we will have to move area, schools, friends, family, job. Everything will have to go so that we can be safe and have peace.

A simplistic view of he's a tosser so just leave is not helpful.

I give not a shit about our house, car, whatever.
I do however give a shit about being able to go as safely as possible so that my dd will not end up completely fucked up.

I have spoken to womens aid, they can't offer any more than I can do for myself, my local council won't help as I work and am therefore not very high on the list.
This is not a whinge, this is a statement of the facts in my situation. I am doing all I can to get out as soon as I can with minimum drama/hurt/fear for my dd and dsd.
Please don't judge women like me, there are plenty of us out there and we could do with some support and empathy. Not an assumption that we are spineless/lack enough self confidence to understand that where we are now is utterly shite.

I have no family nearby to turn to, I cannot move to be near them as he would find us there.
I have no friends who would be able to help, he would find us there.

Posting a link to refuge on your facebook doesn't have an impact on someone like me, I already know I need to go, I already know the statistics.
Accepting that I have a plan that will get my dd and I out is what would have an impact on me. I would be able to talk to you without being told to "just go", I would feel able to have a cry or ask for a cup of tea without being looked upon as weak or not looking after my childrens needs.
Sometimes, getting out takes time and planning to make sure it is a permanent feasible solution.
I'll be here until the summer. That is how long it will take me to squirrel away enough money without it being noticed.

I suspect I shall probably have to name change now. Worth it though if you can understand what I am trying to say here.
This weekend was a bad weekend.

Wishing you luck Itsmeitsmeolord.

Thank you.