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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sister-in-law

28 replies

shanghaigirl · 04/04/2010 15:08

To be upset with my sister-in-law when she phones my house and makes it very clear that she does not want to say a word to me and that her only thought is to bypass me as soon as possible and speak to my husband? I understand that it is her brother that she really hopes will answer, but there are two of us living here and she could at least be civilized. I spoke to my husband about it as it had happened so many times and asked him to have a word with her. He did do this but they both seem to have come to the conclusion that it is just 'her way' and that she never meant any offense and, basically, I am being far too oversensitive as I have not been well. That conclusion did not surprise me in the least as I always seem to end up being blamed where his family are concerned.

OP posts:
CwtchyMama · 04/04/2010 15:11

Well i wouldnt hand the phone over to my dh,i would purposely stay on the phone & talk shite to her,she would either speak in the end or put the phone down.

FabIsGettingThere · 04/04/2010 15:12

Do you talk to her?

Ask her how she is?

addictedtothefirsttrimester · 04/04/2010 15:12

shanghaigirl - when my sil rings what we both really want is to get the plesentries out of the way so she can talk to dh!

i wouldnt really worry about it, just be plesent when she rings and hand the phone over to dh asap. if she doesnt want to talk to you, just forget about her, oits her problem not yours.

there is no point getting worked up about it wall when its not going to change.

posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:14

Good idea! Keep her talking....start with a very friendly Hi, how are you?
SIL: Is brother there?
You: Yes, hi how are you?
SIL: fine thanks, is he there?
YOU: Yes, he's running me a bath...you know how he likes to spoil me rotten, what are you doing today?
and on and on.....

posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:15

Or beat her to it...

Hi, yes I'll just get him....

thumbchick · 04/04/2010 15:16

do you like her? Do you want to talk to her or are you just offended that she lacks courtesy?

If you don't like or want to talk to her, I would ignore the problem as she's doing you a favour, really.

OTOH if you would like to have a better relationship with her then as others have said, initiate a chat with her - she'll have to answer or be seen to be unutterably rude, which she probably isn't.

Bollocks to "it's just her way", btw, it hurts no one to say Hi, how are you, is XX there please?

SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 04/04/2010 15:23

Get caller ID and don't bother answeing the phone to her.

I rarely pick up to PIL, not because I don't like them, I just find in cringey having to chat first.

Original poster
shanghaigirl · 04/04/2010 15:25

We have always been O.K. with each other, even if not the best of friends, until the last couple of years. We are very different people but have usually tried to be polite and friendly to each other. Nothing has happened to change the situation as far as I am aware.

OP posts:
thumbchick · 04/04/2010 15:26

SMP - what a rude bitch! probably a contributory reason for him being an exH, hmm?

Casmama · 04/04/2010 15:29

I don't see how you being unwell would lead to you being oversensitive unless it was depression or anxiety or something which maybe made her feel awkward and which would say a lot more about her than it does about you.

Casmama · 04/04/2010 15:30

Oh sorry meant Yanbu - it doesn't take much to make a bit of polite chitchat particularly if the lack of it has been mentioned in the past.

MintHumbug · 04/04/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieparker · 04/04/2010 16:20

MH...another fabulous suggestion!

Original poster
shanghaigirl · 04/04/2010 16:46

No, I have not been suffering with depression or I might be worse! I cannot help feeling that something has happened to make her cross that I know nothing about as we have not had a conversation in two years and I always pass over the phone immediately. I was worried this was making me look rude instead so thought a couple of pleasantries were the best way - not a long convsation, you understand? She says 'oh -it's YOU!' as if I have no earthly right to be in my own house. Trouble is my husband never hears this and probably does not believe me. We are together - he is not an ex -and it's only where his family is concerned that we tend to fall out. When my family members ring or my friends he usually ends up having such a long chat with them that they run out of time when I get the phone! I'm perfectly happy about that as I often ring them at other times and am pleased that everyone gets on.

OP posts:
thumbchick · 04/04/2010 17:09

ha. I just had the rather immature thought that I would be tempted to say "yes, it's me - who did you expect to be here, Madonna?" or alternatively just reply in kind "oh it's YOU again, I'll get DH".

Not necessarily advocating this as a strategy, just what I'd probably do.

KatieLunn · 04/04/2010 17:26

I don't know - I'm terrible on the phone! To me, the only point of a phone call is to clarify when and where to meet up/something else very practical. So while I would say hi and be friendly to anyone on the phone, I don't know how to chit chat - which probably comes through when my poor SIL (or anyone else) calls. To be fair, I spend as little time as possible talking to my brother, too, so I don't think anyone takes it personally.

Are you sure she's not like me and just rubbish on the phone?

Original poster
shanghaigirl · 04/04/2010 18:37

She talks for hours to my husband and her friends.She has absolutely no problem using a phone!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/04/2010 18:43

Why are people so bothered about their inlaws, I can never understand it.

She isn't your sister or your friend, why can't you just pass the phone to your DH so he can talk to her.

My friend insists on 'chatting' to my DP every time she rings and it drives him mad! He just wants to say hi and then hands the phone over to me.

Surely this is only a problem if you make it one.

EmilyStrange · 04/04/2010 18:52

Why don't you ask her out for a coffee and start again with her. If there is no real resentment don't let it build up. She may be someone who just doesn't like chatting on the phone especially to people she doesn't know well. I am like that and do much better face to face with people.

piscesmoon · 04/04/2010 18:56

I also think that it is only a problem if you make it one.
Do you ever phone her up just for a chat? If you don't do that it isn't surprising that she doesn't do it in return.
If it bothers you, and you want a chatty relationship, I would phone her up for a chat when DH is out-if it doesn't bother you just hand the phone over.

Original poster
shanghaigirl · 04/04/2010 18:59

I totally agree that mosst people do not want long chats with in-laws. I don't wish for that myself. A bright and civilized exchange of one or two sentances or even a polite 'Oh hi, it's me, is so-and-so there please? would suffice. Nevermind, I won't let it bother me any more.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 04/04/2010 19:15

It's only recently that I've found it easier chatting to my MIL on the phone - wouldn't phone BIL atall - I leave that to DH!! He can contact his brother himself.

Don't worry yourself over this type of thing - just hand the phone over to your DH next time she calls.

What I do if I end up getting FIL on the phone is I just say 'hi, is xxxx there?' I don't do idle chit chat with him (issues there!) but I'm cheery and civil to him if he answers. I don't worry about it, what's the point - life's too short!!

piscesmoon · 04/04/2010 19:34

I prefer to talk to my SIL than brother-you get more of a chat!

lovechoc · 04/04/2010 19:42

piscesmoon I wish I could say the same - but both of them (BIL and his wife) are quiet introverted kind of people so NEITHER of them talk. making phone calls - awkward.

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