Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being a bit pfb about this?

31 replies

mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 14:23

Ok i'll try and keep this short. The little boy and my ds are the around the same age - 16 months.
Every time my neighbour and her ds come upstairs my little boy gets really upset. The little boy downstairs has been hitting for a while and always hits my ds, so i think he might be scared of him. Now all the little boy has do to is open his mouth and my ds crys and puts his hands over his ears.

They are two very different children, my ds is fascinated the way an object can sound different on different surfaces. he thinks about everything he does before he does it like getting off the bed. The little boy downstairs is really clumsy, he always has a new bruise on his face, he doesnt really play with toys he bangs them and throws them and is quite hyper. ( i feel i'm not doing a very good job at explaining this)

my question is, i don't know if i should let my ds play with him anymore as he gets really upset.

WWYD mumsnet masses?? would you continue this playtime nightmare, would stand by and watch another little boy hit your child?

I know my ds has to learn to stand up for himself, but i feel its too early for that

OP posts:
ElleBing · 04/04/2010 14:26

Don't let them play together. You wouldn't socialise with someone who made you upset and angry so don't make your LO.

starkadder · 04/04/2010 14:28

Doesn't your neighbour do anything when he DS wallops yours?

YANBU to be upset. My DS is similar - rather thoughtful and gentle, so sometimes he gets shoved out of the way a bit. Luckily we don't know any children who are too violent and if anyone's kid does push him or grab something off him, their parent generally intervenes - so I am not in the same situation.

If you're friends with the neighbour and want to see her (or him?), then it's prob worth talking to her about it as tactfully as you can so you can continue spending time together with your children. Great to have a friendly neighbour with same age child so it would be a shame to lose that - if that's what you have. On the other hand, if the neighbour isn't all that and you're not that bothered about seeing her, then I'd stop inviting them round.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 04/04/2010 14:29

What's his mother doing while her child hits yours?

Because he's just a baby. He's too young to really know what he's doing. He needs his mum to stop him. To say "No, we don't hit." To teach him the social rules.

You do sound a bit like you feel your child is intellectually superior to this boy. Lots of 16 month olds are clumsy and bang their toys, there's nothing wrong with this.

At the end of the day, it's your decision. It doesn't really matter what anyone else would do.

Stop them playing together, ask the mum to intervene, intervene yourself... it's for you to decide.

FabIsGettingThere · 04/04/2010 14:30

It is time to take a break from seeing this child.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 14:35

the neighbour hits her little boy when he hit my ds, but her ds thinks is a joke, i think they must be really rought with him when they are playing, as he never seems to react when he hurts himself or when he smacked. She's nice but i wouldn't be overly gutted if she never came round anymore, to be honest, my heart sinks when she asks to come up as i know my ds is going to be in tears for the duration.
She thinks my ds is a moan, but trying to tell her, um, actually he just doesn't like you son sounds terrible dosen't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 14:38

JustMyTwoPenceWorth thats not at all how i feel, sorry if its came accross that way. i wouldn't say one is more intellectually superior than another, they're just different.

OP posts:
starkadder · 04/04/2010 14:39

She hits her 16 mth old if he hits your DS?!

Sorry, in that case, the only reason not to avoid these people is that she sounds like she needs some serious help.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/04/2010 14:39

Has she actually told you she thinks your DS "is a moan"?? If so then I would think it perfectly acceptable to tell her that it is because of her DS!

Morloth · 04/04/2010 14:42

I had a friend whose DS my DS totally hated. I realised we had to stop seeing them when DS burst into tears at the mention of them coming over. My DS is as tough as nails but he really loathed this kid and this is his home. I don't put up with people I can't stand in our house, so why should he?

In public sometimes you have to suck it up, but our home is our sanctuary and I intend to keep it that way.

Ages of the kids are irrelevant. I still see the friend now the boys are both at school, but not when they are around.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 14:42

yeh she does hit him, she says she's tried everything and nothing works. she said in a jokey way aw he's just a wee moan isn't he!! i gave her a nasty and shocked look

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 04/04/2010 14:43

she hits her son for hitting?

So the way to teach her child that hitting is wrong is - to hit him? [boggle]

Oh, if it wasn't for the fact that a 16 month old is getting walloped, I'd be laughing at that.

Sad that he doesn't react to being hit - imo that's probably because he's very used to it.

If you can't be straight with her (which would be best, esp since she said your child is a moaner - tell her yes, because he doesn't like being hit!) then be busy every time she asks, until she stops asking. Although imo that's the cowards way out

Really though, she should be pro-active not reactive. Get to him and stop the behaviour, not wait for the behaviour then punish it - in a way he doesn't care about anyway.

thumbchick · 04/04/2010 14:49

YANBU - I wouldn't let another child come and play if it was upsetting and hurting my DS, certainly not in his own home! He needs to know that his own home is his safe area, not that it can be invaded by others who are at liberty to hurt him.

for this other mum on so many levels but you have to do what is right for your DS first and foremost - and this other boy is not right for your DS.

posieparker · 04/04/2010 14:56

Children are different, if your post was from the other side and explained that your child bangs a lot and is rather excitable but the other child was timid and easily upset then my advice would be the same. Children do not need to play with other children much at this age and until all's well stay away!

posieparker · 04/04/2010 14:57

16 month old being hit.....now that's something I would be more concerned about.

CwtchyMama · 04/04/2010 15:03

Its quite disturbing to see she has said she hits her ds as she has tried everything else, the little boy is 16mths old!

I am sorry but i would have to inform a hv or someone about this,that poor little boy will grow up knowing no different.

posieparker · 04/04/2010 15:05

I second the idea that you should inform the HV.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 15:05

She's really hard to talk to, gets angered quite quickly, The reason i haven't said anything yet is because i feel i cannot have an adult conversation about this with her, it would end up turning into a slanging match IYKWIM. and she's my downstairs neighbour which again could make things difficult.

I know i'm going to have to say something as your all right this cannot continue, its my ds thats getting the bum deal. buts its finding the right words

OP posts:
CwtchyMama · 04/04/2010 15:08

You really need to tell someone who can help her in how she is bringing up her ds.

Better to help her now than in 10 yrs time when he is bigger & capable of really hurting someone.

Is she young herself? I only ask this as maybe she was brought up the same way & needs help in seeing it is not right to hit a 16mth old baby.

starkadder · 04/04/2010 15:08

Her DS is getting a worse deal than yours .

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 04/04/2010 15:13

she's 20, so pretty young, she has a dp, but they argue quite a bit, her dp is very good father, some nights you can hear them playing.

OP posts:
Casmama · 04/04/2010 15:13

I think you could just say that you don't think it is a good idea for them to come up as your ds is generally a pretty happy child but just cries when ever her son is there. Perhaps saying they can maybe play better when they are a bit older but at the moment you think they should take a break.

CwtchyMama · 04/04/2010 15:16

Starkadder is right her ds is having a rougher ride than your ds.

Please say you will let your hv know that he is being hit by her.

When you say hit what do you mean,sorry but it is playing on my mind & making me very sad that a young baby is being hit.Is it a little tap on his hand?

Have you ever seen her doing it?

MumNWLondon · 04/04/2010 15:22

I think it depends on how your neighbour reacts when her child hits yours. He needs to be taught that its not acceptible to hit.

If the mother hits him then she is teaching him that hitting is ok.... hence I wouldn't want my child to play. I'd just say to her, don't want to do any playdates until little Freddie has learnt not to hit other children.

MillyMollyMoo · 04/04/2010 15:22

I lost a good friend of 10 years because her response every time her little boy did something wrong was "I'll smack your hand" and she frequently did, I didn't even want my child to hear that never mind witness it and of course her son was aggressive to other children, all so predictable so we moved on.

MillyMollyMoo · 04/04/2010 15:23

Just be busy/heading out a lot if she suggests meeting up or calls around.