Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT let dc- aged 2- stay at my Mums ever, without me there?

32 replies

EffieB · 03/04/2010 21:10

Dc has never stayed at my Mums, without me there. Not even with me there, but popping out for the evening. This is because my Mum 1) likes a drink, and 2) is a smoker. She also doesn't find straight up conversations about drinking easy, and tends to fib about what/ how much she's had. When I've stayed I've witnessed her fall into a pretty deep sleep on the sofa, cigarette on table, sleeping through loud changes on telly, phone going etc...

I know she's hurt that she hasn't yet babysat dc, and I'd love to be able to pop out and see friends etc.. when I visit.

Am I being too precious? After all she raised us whilst being a bit of boozer and a heavy smoker and the house never burnt down for us? Should I just speak to her about and trust she'll do the right thing? Can't decide if I'd be a fool to do it (after all if a paid babysitter drank several large vinos and smoked all evening i'd be well miffed!) or an uptight nightmare daughter to not do it??

OP posts:
Firawla · 03/04/2010 21:12

no yanbu.. in your situation i wouldnt either
she can see them while you are also present, thats the right comprimise its not as if you never let her see them

Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 21:18

I just feel like if I asked her about it, and she promised, I should trust her and go ahead and do it, after all she's my Mum! But she's fibbed before about drinking... but on the other hand has responded to my requests about smoking so far i.e. 'mum please don't avoid blowing smoke at me (when out for a coffee couple weeks after giving birth) by turning head and blowing it straight into dc's pram....'

Mum has VERY 70's views on 'normal' amounts of drinking and smoking..

OP posts:
monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 03/04/2010 21:20

You have to do what you are comfortable with. They're your children, sod what anyone else thinks. If you are going to fret all night if you leave them with her, then don't do it. Is she likely to stop drinking or smoking if you tell her you're unhappy with the situation? As you say, if a babysitter did what your mum is likely to do when looking after your children you wouldn't use them again. My DF drinks and I would never ever leave my children alone with him, for that reason. He has offered to babysit and I just say no.

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 21:20

no, yanbu

sunshiney · 03/04/2010 21:44

People are not entitled to take risks and liberties with your dc. Being drunk when caring for a child and smoking near a child is doing just that.

Prinpo · 03/04/2010 21:46

YANBU. Simple risk assessment - she drinks to the extent that potentially makes her not alert to the needs of a small child, as well as being a fire hazard. Everything would probably be fine (apart from the passive smoking, of course) but you clearly don't trust her so I would suggest it's not worth the risk.

SugarMousePink · 03/04/2010 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NonnoMum · 03/04/2010 21:50

Hard for you as I feel you don't want to offend your mum. BUT, I would be the same and definitely not let my child stay over in the house of a drinker/smoker.

And, yes, you never came to any harm, well, she's a bit older now isn't she, and more likely to sleep more deeply.

As a compromise, can you ask her to do some 'daytime' babysitting (i.e a couple of hours in your house whilst you go to the hairdressers/out to lunch/manicure etc??

Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 21:51

She wouldn't say she was drunk. She would say it is her house and she's entitled to have a glass (or two) of wine.

I would say that if you have more than a (small) glass of wine then you're under the influence and (I personally) would avoid this if I was in sole care of a child.

The problem is we differ on what's a normal amount of alcohol to drink in certain situations. And I'm well aware I'm probably on the cautious end.

Do you think, in the same circumstances, you would feel that you could have the conversation and then trust her to do the right thing? (i.e. she thinks I'm being over protective but agrees to do it anyway because I've asked). Or would you not run the risk?

OP posts:
Prinpo · 03/04/2010 21:55

Only you can know the answer to that question, surely? Some people, if they give their word not to drink, will stick to it. Others, clearly, won't. What do you think she will do?

Personally, I'd be equally worried about her smoking around your dc.

Mutt · 03/04/2010 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammalovesit · 03/04/2010 22:01

Could she not come to your house? booze free environment and I'm guessing a smoke free house......

DebiNewberry · 03/04/2010 22:02

Could you do a trial and get her to sit at yours first? Say you know that obviously nothing ever happened to us, but would you mind not having a glass of wine when you sit for us? See how she reacts and then decide?

If I had two glasses of wine, I'd be drunk. But I know that for other people, they wouldn't at all.

You'd come back and know if she had been drinking etc?

Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 22:02

When we've stayed before she's been great about not smoking in the house, even aired it thoroughly before (something that has not ever happened before, not even for another family member who has chronic asthma!?!). It obviously meant the world to her that me and dc were visiting (I did avoid it when dc was small as was concerned about the smokiness).

However the drinking is another thing, and my experience with that has been that when I've tried to have conversations she's been very 'slippy' about admitting anything.

But she's my Mum, and dc grandma. And I feel like if she tells me she won't drink I should trust her???

OP posts:
Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 22:04

Sorry forgot to say that the reason this has become more pressing is have an invite to a engagement party in home town.

OP posts:
DebiNewberry · 03/04/2010 22:06

Do you have any reason not to trust her? She is their gm, I think people can be very different with their beloved gc?

Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 22:15

That's my gut feeling also debi N but lots of people seem to be thinking otherwise (as in don't take the risk). Not trusting her is based on previous (not involving dc) conversations, when she would fib about her drinking. It feels like a big risk to take but then I feel like an awful daughter not taking it...

OP posts:
Maveta · 03/04/2010 22:22

tried to reply early but it didn´t post.. my mum is similar i.e. 70s ideas re. drinking = g&t bang on 6pm and then only alcoholic drinks the rest of the night, beer, wine, whiskey before bed. She can´t half hold her drink. But she helped us a lot with ds when he was a baby, eased us into paid childcare doing a few hours every day and had him numerous times overnight, she now looks after my dn full time. she takes her responsibility for her gc very seriously and does not drink to excess when she has them, she also smokes outside while they are awake at least. I trust her 100% with ds But I never had cause to suspect she would abuse that trust.

Only you know your mum and whether or not you really can trust her to be responsible, of course you have to go with your gut.

Original poster
EffieB · 03/04/2010 22:31

Thanks Maveta, it sounds like both our Mums have some 'life on mars' era views on drinking... Because of this, like you said, my Mum also can't half hold her drink and what would send me to bed with paracetemol she seems to take in her stride. Great to hear your Mum adapted to gm role. What would your mum count as 'not drinking to excess' when in charge of gc? Maybe I can suggest this rather than shrilly (and probably very futile) suggest total abstinence).

OP posts:
Tinykins · 03/04/2010 22:36

Apart from the drinking thing though does your mum nod off anyway in front of tv, in the evening? My mum does, she is 70 so not unusual in that, but it would worry me becuase she nods off into a very deep sleep and wouldnt hear a child crying, baby monitor or anything..it would put me off leaving my kids with her. I doubt a smoke alarm would even wake her when she is napping during evening tv.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 03/04/2010 23:37

Effie, if your gut feeling is that you can trust her why are you asking the question? Doesn't that suggest that, however bad it might feel, you're not sure you can? If you think she's not entirely honest about her drinking is she likely to stick to what you suggest - ie if you say a glass of wine is ok, might she read that diffferently and have a glass that's topped up all night? Sorry if this sounds like haranguing but you clearly feel uncomfortable about the situation and I don't think YABU at all.

squareheadcut · 03/04/2010 23:43

i wouldn't leave my kid overnight, perhaps for a few hours if she promised not to smoke or drink in that time

pjmama · 04/04/2010 00:38

If she's passing out on the sofa and is difficult to wake, then she's clearly having more than a glass or two. If she's lying about how much she's having, then she's probably having far more than you think. My Mum is an alcoholic who refuses to admit that hiding brandy in her knicker drawer and being shit-faced by tea time is not normal or acceptable. I never leave my DCs with her on her own.

If your gut is telling you it's not right, then don't do it.

KristinaM · 04/04/2010 00:42

if she's been a heavy drinker since your childhood then its silly to think that she will suddenly stop because you ask her to

coralanne · 04/04/2010 01:18

I wouldn't leave my child. MIL was exactly the same (a lovely person though).

Her house was always immaculate (still is) and the most beautiful cook in the world (after my mum).

I used to leave DD with her, but DH would also stay.

They used to video their evening. You could see as the evening progressed that MIL would start stumbling over everything.

They used to sing and dance to the top 40.

DD never even realised that her Nan ws sneaking out of the room for a drink every now and then and she still remembers the great time she had with Nan.

DH used to video them and it's a great laugh when we watch them now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread