to NOT let dc- aged 2- stay at my Mums ever, without me there?

[EffieB]

Dc has never stayed at my Mums, without me there. Not even with me there, but popping out for the evening. This is because my Mum 1) likes a drink, and 2) is a smoker. She also doesn't find straight up conversations about drinking easy, and tends to fib about what/ how much she's had. When I've stayed I've witnessed her fall into a pretty deep sleep on the sofa, cigarette on table, sleeping through loud changes on telly, phone going etc...

I know she's hurt that she hasn't yet babysat dc, and I'd love to be able to pop out and see friends etc.. when I visit.

Am I being too precious? After all she raised us whilst being a bit of boozer and a heavy smoker and the house never burnt down for us? Should I just speak to her about and trust she'll do the right thing? Can't decide if I'd be a fool to do it (after all if a paid babysitter drank several large vinos and smoked all evening i'd be well miffed!) or an uptight nightmare daughter to not do it??

tbh I´m not sure re. ´drinking to excess´ but I do know she never passes out either when in charge of ds or not, she´s very much a ´night owl´ and is more likely to stay up til the wee hours and sleep late but if she had ds would go to bed at a reasonable hour and be up with him be that 5am or 8am. lol at ´life on mars´ view on drinking. indeed her friend used to laugh at how they would not think twice of having a vodka and orange during pregnancy as I declined a glass of wine during mine (though I did have the odd one but not often as quite simply I went off the taste). to be fair i think in her younger days she was quite the lightweight and i doubt she drank much when pregnant purely for that reason.

what are her views on drinking and driving? you could always come at the angle that you would like to be sure that when she looks after your child she abstained so if something happened and she had to take him to hospital she would be under the legal limit, and see what she says to that?

My parents are hard core drinkers and it is a massive issue between us. However we live 100s of miles apart, so it doesn't come up too often.

However we all went on holiday last year and my parents offered to babysit so DH and I could go out for a meal. We said yes. In the morning I said "I really hope you don't mind me saying but we would prefer you not to drink too much tonight, just in case..." Well all hell broke lose and it was not pretty. But I stood my ground and said, "I have every right to talk about this with you, he is my son and I am responsible for him, I am making a reasonable request". So in the end, it sort of worked out.

We did go out, it was a bit frosty, but it was worth it. My parents start drinking wine with lunch, switch to vodka in the eve. They drink1/2 bottles of wine a day and at least 3/4 vodkas. It is a nightmare.

Even though it was hard I am glad I said something.

Maveta I'm pretty sure she drinks and drives, but as she has no car seat (and actually hardly ever drives) she wouldn't dream of driving dc, she'd ring an ambulance (or me).

thatsnotmymonkey, this is the response I've had before when I've raised drinking as an issue. But you're right, with dc it's a different arguement again isn't it? So far it's been what I think is a reasonable amount to drink vs. what she does, whereas this is rather saying 'I accept you want to do this and that's your choice, but can you, in these circumstances for this number of hours, not do it?'.

It's wierd isn't it? As far as my Mum's concerned alcoholics are those smelly old blokes drinking value lager in the supermarket car park, yet she can knock back, every day, amounts of alcohol that would floor me, and kind of sees it as her right to do so.

EffieB I really feel for you, but I think you have a responsibility to talk about this with your mum. It is a reasonable request from you and should be viewed as much.

My parents have the same view of "alchies"- old tramps guzzling the special brew!

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have said my piece on a couple of occasions and it has always been awful. So I have to accept that although I do not agree with their lifestyle choices, I have to weather it. It is only when it would impact the safety of my kid do I have a right to bring it up.

Good Luck

thatsnotmymonkey- you're right, it's now a different discussion than the pre-dc's ones we've had about drinking. Rather than avoid the issue indefinately (imagine getting to point when dc asking to go and stay at grandma's and I'm still fudging ith her why not...) I'm going to raise it, like you said, as my right and my role to ensure dc looked after properly in all circumstances and judge it from there. Am heartened by that you and marveta both been there and on the subject of gc at least, you've been listened to.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My step father had been an alcoholic for years, and eventually my mum left him. The last time he ever saw my twins, they were about two years old. I only popped in for a few minutes because I needed to give him a message. If it were not for the fact that I pushed him away, he would have fallen onto my twins. I got the twins and quickly left. A few weeks later, he called me and asked if I could bring the twins to see him. I said I would if he were going to be sober, he said better make it before 10 then, and I just said I wouldn't bother then. He never saw my daughter, and when she was eight weeks old, he was found dead in his room by his landlord. It was estimated that he had been dead for about two weeks, as that was the last time he had been seen by anybody. So do not feel guilty about not leaving your precious child with somebody that you cannot trust not to drink, because for some people the demon drink will be a stronger pull than even family can be. This tactic worked on my MIL when she wanted my SIL's DC to stay for the day, she turned it around, and her GC were allowed to visit.

That is so sad, mumdrivenmad.