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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have smoked a cigarette

26 replies

Confuzzeled · 03/04/2010 09:53

Okay so I gave up smoking 4 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with DD. I have had no desire to smoke since and can't believe how addicted I used to be.

Last night I went out for the first time since ds(7mo) was born. After a few drinks I had a few puffs of a friends cigarette. It was horrible, made me feel sick and stuck to my lip and I now have a blister there.

I told dh when I came in and he was quiet and looked annoyed. I went to bed and this morning he said he was disappointed and told me to "Please don't do it again."

I sort of feel like he was telling me what to do. I don't want to smoke again, but if I did it would be my choice.

He's gone off in a bad mood with me and there is allot of tension. I'm a teeny bit hungover and not sure if i'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Shaz10 · 03/04/2010 09:55

He's probably worried you'll start properly again. I find hangovers make me paranoid. Wait till it clears and think again.

rainbowinthesky · 03/04/2010 09:57

Why'd you tell him?

FrameyMcFrame · 03/04/2010 09:57

YANBU, your dh was overreacting, but probs best not to repeat the experiment...
you might enjoy the next one and end up addicted again which is what happened to me

sherby · 03/04/2010 09:58

I gave up for 4 years whilst pregnant and started again with one on a night out. Then one the next night out, then maybe just one at a BBQ (I was smoking again within the month)

I then gave up again when pregnant and have just started again now DD is here.

It is a very slippery slope and so easy to get addicted again. However I would resent anyone deciding for me if I could smoke or not so YANBU.

Original poster

Confuzzeled · 03/04/2010 09:58

I told him because I didn't think it was a big deal.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 03/04/2010 10:01

is he often like this?

no wonder you are annoyed, have another

but you know it is up to you. let it pass

wukter · 03/04/2010 10:01

Look on the bright side - you hated it.
Whenever I have just a sneaky puff when I am off them I fall in love all over again.

Maybe you are just paranoid, but if he really is creating an atmosphere point out to him how pleased you are that they disgust you now.
In fairness, you can't blame him for not wanting you to smoke - if he's not generally controlling I wouln't worry to much about this.

RockSteady · 03/04/2010 10:02

YANBU but he's probably just worried you'll start again properly. He shouldn't be sulking about it though

ScreaminEagle · 03/04/2010 10:02

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Broodymomma · 03/04/2010 10:54

You had a few puffs and did not like it - dont beat yourself up!!!

porcamiseria · 03/04/2010 11:00

agree dont tell him! what goes on tour stays on tour

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 11:04

Does he normally think and behave as though he is in charge of you and entitled to monitor your behaviour? If so you've got bigger problems than a sneaky fag.
If not, and he's just (like a lot of people) teidously hysterical on the subject of smoking, tell him to get over himself and that the subject is closed.

ScreaminEagle · 03/04/2010 11:23

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EricNorthmansmistress · 03/04/2010 11:25

What?

Fucking hell, you had a puff of a fag, you didn't murder a puppy. I can see that he might be a bit frustrated with you, as I might be if a good friend who had stopped for years had one, but it wouldn't be my place to tell them what to do or react like that. I might say 'you twat, be careful you don't start again'. He is being very U and out of order and controlling.

bexxaa · 03/04/2010 11:28

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Snorbs · 03/04/2010 12:02

He's asked you not to do it again. He has presumably not screamed and shouted, or threatened you with physical violence, or said that he'd kick you out and make sure you never see your DCs again... He's asked you not to do it again.

That's not controlling, that's expressing a preference over something that a lot of people think is a really dumb thing to do. You can listen to him or not as is your choice; you're an adult, what you do to your body is up to you. I don't think he was BU for asking that you don't do it again though.

MeltedEggintheRadiator · 03/04/2010 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Confuzzeled · 03/04/2010 15:17

Phew, hangover fug cleared.

I think if dh was controlling then he would have been out of order.

But he's not, he's just worried I start smoking again. He's been through cancer with his Mum last and is frightened it'll happen to me.

I over reacted because I feel like a mummy and not much else. The choices I make are always based around dh and the kids, I am rarely selfish. Dh controls the money in our family as I'm a sahm (I will go back to work soon), he always makes sure we have what we need but I hate being so reliant. I thought he was trying to control me by telling me not to smoke and I can make that choice on my own.

He wasn't trying to control me, he just doesn't want me to smoke again. We both used to smoke allot and giving up was hard.

I think I was daft to smoke but it's been such a drama I'm never going to do it again.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 03/04/2010 15:30

Pleased to hear it

...and very pleased you can see your husbands comments for what they were - loving and scared, not controlling.

However, do have one bone to pick - why does your Dh control the money - you both work, you and home and him out of it - you should both get an equal say on what happens to the money (unless you are one of those people who just cannot be trusted with money!!).

Oh and also - you need to do 'something' about 'feeling like a Mummy and not much else', take a class, have regular nights out with friends, get a babysitter and go out with DH - really think it through and find things or you will end up miserable and resentful... (just not smoking you muppet!! ).

Original poster

Confuzzeled · 03/04/2010 17:03

Dh controls the money because he's the one out working. He puts house keeping in our account and I try to budget round that. If I need more then theres no problem. I just have always gone out and brought home my own money and I think looking after my children is more demanding than any job I have done but it doesn't pay a wage unfortunately. We own our own business which has had a bad time in the last year so money is tight and we try to only take what we need.

I do need to get out and do something Dh is always saying I need to, but I'm so tired I'm finding it hard to motivate myself. Ds's and dd's sleep is improving so I'll get round to getting my life back soon. It just takes time.

OP posts:

thumbchick · 03/04/2010 17:06

What Snorbs said - he asked you because he didn't like it.
DH gave up smoking years ago; if he had another cig now I would also ask him not to do it again.
FGS, soon no one will be allowed to express a preference for how their other half behaves around them without being called a control freak!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 21:52

There is another active thread about a man who is controlling and bullying and thoroughly unreasonable on the subject of smoking, which may be colouring the responses you are getting. But it sounds as though in your case things are basically OK - though, as others have said, maybe address the fact that you are feeling like a dependent, because that isn't healthy and even if your H is basically OK it's all too easy to slide into the position where the money earner feels entitled to act like the boss/owner of everyone else in the house.

lowenergylightbulb · 03/04/2010 22:30

I'm sorry but I'm a bit flabbergasted at the money control thing. I was a SAHM for a good 5 years and just because my 'great manly provider' was working it didn't mean that he controlled the money - in fact I did and I still do, even though I earn 50% of what he does!!!

Original poster

Confuzzeled · 04/04/2010 07:45

LELB, control was the wrong word. Dh runs our small business, it's been a hard year so we try not to take much money out. Dh deals with the bills because he's doing the budgeting and he puts house keeping in our joint account. It's just easier if one or the other person does this so we don't get crossed wires. We keep it all filed in the house so I can see whats being spent on what. Dh does not make me feel like a dependent, thats my issue because I've always worked and earned a wage. I will go back to work part time when I am able. This will hopefully give me back my confidence and self esteem.

OP posts:

wahwah · 04/04/2010 08:07

I think whoever does the money best should be in charge and I would love my DH to be really sensible and in charge! One less thing to think about.

OP, you will get things back on track, just takes a while and it seems you have a solid foundation after all ! Good luck to you.

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