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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and upset about this?

42 replies

CheekyVimtoGal · 01/04/2010 19:13

Now I'm not usually a judgmental person specially on someone who i know.

Our friends sister is 20years old (i think, I'm not exact, she could be younger) she had a baby when she left school, he is now 2 and then she got pregnant to her partner (who to be honest is a bit of a drip)

Anyway she was talking to my DH on Facebook last week asking if he knew anyone who was 'selling cheap 50g bags of backy(tobacco)'
he said
'no but 25g bags of backy are cheap enough'
Thinking it was for her partner and she replied with
'a 25g bag of backy wont last me 2 days i need a 50g bag'

Bare in mind she was at the time 37 weeks pregnant
All the time on her Facebook status she is saying
'i have a lovely bottle of Lambrini in the fridge calling for me' [type]

I cannot say anything because its none of my business and i am no relation to her. But if she was my sister i would be livid that she is treating her body like that when she is late on in pregnancy or just pregnant.

I was talking to her the other week and was asking her how much does she think baby would weigh and she was saying about 7lb like her DS was.

Her Baby girl was born yesterday weighing 4lb 4oz.

Would this would be down to the amount of backy she smoked and wine she drank?

If it is am surprised baby isn't withdrawing from the tobacco!!
Its mad me quite and that someone would do this to their body.

AIBU to feel like this to someone who is no relation to me.

And should i just ignore it.

(abit of background - Her parents split up last year after 20+ years of marriage, her dad had someone else, her mother is now a complete different person, going out drinking and what not every night and this girl partner doesnt have a job and spends all the money they get on his car - i feel so sorry for her)

This is also posted in chat

OP posts:
sarah293 · 01/04/2010 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 01/04/2010 19:24

I know that when this has been asked before, a lot of people have said the OP is horrible, that it's up to the woman if she smokes and drinks during pregnancy and that it doesn't really matter what it's doing to the life inside her body, cos it's her body.

I disagree with that 100%. When you choose to carry a baby inside your body (whether or not it was planned) you have a duty of care to that baby as much as you have a duty of care to that baby after it is born. This means not doing anything that you know is harmful to it - such as smoking or getting pissed weekly! You cannot just think of yourself because it is not just yourself anymore, is it? You have another person inside you, who has no choice but to ingest what you ingest. That makes you responsible for them and their wellbeing.

I am stand on a soapbox, yell on a street corner, bash my tambourine evangelical about this.

The reason being that I did smoke during my pregnancy with ds2. He is asthmatic, has a weak chest and as a baby got every cough and cold going. He was a very high birthweight as it happens - 10lb5oz - but the damage I did to his chest, he has to live with for the rest of his life. It was a foul, wicked, selfish thing to do to him and when I see pregnant women smoking I want to yell all this at them!

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 01/04/2010 19:24

I'm 24 weeks and have a lovely bottle of chardonnay waiting for me in the fridge .

The odd glass won't hurt and certainly won't cause low birth weight. Smoking of course can. I strongly detest smoking full stop, but it's the person's choice. I think it's very sad when people smoke when pregnant but there's little point getting angry about it.

Not sure which bit you're angry about though... two kids with two different men (check), partner a bit of a drip (not me), drinking a bit when preggo (check), smoking when preggo (not me),

or her parents splitting up? Spending their money on a car???

YABVU

Northernlurker · 01/04/2010 19:29

Well you don't know she has actually drunk heavily do you? On the other hand you are pretty sure she has smoked heavily and as I have absolutely no sympathy for pregnant smokers I would say yanbu to be upset by that and by the baby's low birthweight. I bet the midwife who delivered that little mite is feeling fairly pissed off with her too!

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2010 19:29

oh crap it's the person's choice

what about their baby????

yes, the op is judgemental. aren't we all? every day? i judge people all the time, it's human nature, sometimes i think they're doing bad stuff, sometimes i am judging them in a good way and thinking wow, i wish i was more like that.

people who put their children's health and lives at risk are just fucking twats to be quite honest with you

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2010 19:29

what about if i want to shoot up every day?

that's MY choice right? so who cares about my unborn baby,,, as long as i'm happy

GeekOfTheWeek · 01/04/2010 19:31

YANBU imo.

Unborn child should not be subjected to this. It is totally unfair.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 01/04/2010 19:32

I'd judge - alot. And feel angry and upset. Odd drink - ok I guess. Smoking like a train? Selfish. Though her age has nothing to do with it - I had DS1 @ 19 and managed fine without drink/drugs/smoking/stereotypical 'teen mum' behaviour.

ericnorthmansmistress · 01/04/2010 19:33

Don't judge the wine, you don't know how much she drinks. But do judge the smoking - if she was being serious that is a crazy amount to smoke. She might have meant it literally - DH smokes quite a bit and gets through 25g every 4 days. I can make 50g last me a month! Poor baby.

thedollshouse · 01/04/2010 19:36

Its sad but people are free to make their own choices I suppose.

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2010 19:38

if more people were more openly judgey then maybe people like that wouldn't think it was ok

StephysFamous · 01/04/2010 19:40

I fail to see why her age is appropriate I fell pregnant at 19 and gave up smoking and never once drank, sorry I didn't live up to teen mum expectations.

You are being judgey, but aren't we all?!

Maybe the odd glass doesn't hurt, DM drank when preggers with me but I chose not to risk it, it is her choice. You don't know how much she was planning to drink.
The smoking is very selfish though, I think this does do harm.
50g? That's a lot!

MrsVidic · 01/04/2010 19:42

If she was middle class and 10 years older and she drank chardonnay would you feel the same?

I thought alcohol was likley to give a high birth weight?

I didn't smoke or drink druing my preganancy, I also ensured I worked out regularly too- but I would not get angry about others doing different things

LittleSilver · 01/04/2010 19:42

OK. So what's the answer? How do you STOP people smoking/drinking when pg?

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2010 19:43

the age doesn't matter, presume the OP was just giving ltos of info to set the scene. she hasn't said anywhere that it was her age making her do this has she?

sudoku · 01/04/2010 20:02

Hmmm, this does not make me proud, and I am sure I will get abuse, but I did smoke 20 Silk Cut Silver/day during my twin pregnancy...

They were delivered on their due date, naturally, weighing 7lb 8oz and 6lb 8oz. (I weigh 9 stone myself, but obviously not at that time!)

I am sorry your friend's sister's baby was so small, but could it have been another reason?

Was her first baby small?

However, I do not condone smoking while pregnant. I was lucky,...despite being so weak-willed...

ericnorthmansmistress · 01/04/2010 20:35

sudoku
her friend's sister's other baby was healthy weight.

You were lucky. Incredibly lucky, since you were having twins, who are more likely to be low birth weight/prem anyway. If a woman smokes during her pg and the child has LBW/asthma, I think it's fair to connect the two phenomenon

Yes, I do judge, I'm a smoker who gave up the day I got the two lines, not being smug, just don't see what a big fucking deal it is to stop.

Original poster
CheekyVimtoGal · 01/04/2010 20:37

No i have no problems with teen mums, most of my friends had their babies whilst still at school.

I was just giving information.

No i know its her choice but since the other week with the conversation of the backy its had me thinking about that poor poor baby inside her.

OP posts:
posieparker · 01/04/2010 20:42

sudoku...sounds like you've forgiven yourself...

Of course you can judge the woman, she has been very selfish and now she'll probably smoke in the house...nice.

PeedOffWithNits · 01/04/2010 20:44

I have seen ladies stood in their nighties and slippers, with their drip stands, outside the hiospital, when they are in for pg related difficulties, and they are out there having a fag

makes my blood boil, it really does. but what can we do, education and advice never better, all the info in the world at the touch of your fingers and still people think they can defy the odds. why gamble?

sudoku · 01/04/2010 20:50

ericnorthmansmistress, good for you to be able to give up smoking!

Perhaps I should add that my first DC was 9lb. And yes, I did smoke then as well...

Obviously I know that smoking is bad for you, and I have been able to quit now, but it is not a case of "what a big fucking deal it is to stop" for most! Are you perhaps a bitter ex-smoker?

And maybe someone could provide a link to some stats regarding smoking/BW...?

groundhogs · 01/04/2010 20:55

As horrific her behaviour is to her unborn child, she is not your relative, she is nothing really to do with you.

I suggest you delete her from your FB, and IF she ever asks, tell her why.

You don't have to associate with people you disapprove of so vehemently. It's your choice who you are linked to.

posieparker · 01/04/2010 20:56

Sudoku, it's not just the weight is it? It's the toxins and other hideous things....you've done it now and all's well and you've even given up so avoid mass judgement and leave it.
When you were pregnant you obviously didn't want to give up.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 01/04/2010 20:58

Yanbu to judge the smoking.
I smoked whilst pregnant with DS, I did however cut down alot, just never quite managed to go without. Strangely enough I quit the day he was born, felt unable to smoke whilst in labour so never bothered to smoke again. I feel guilty that my DD has never been in a smokey atmosphere yet DS was made to endure 9 months of it. Bizarrely DD was in hosp with bronciolitus at 2 weeks old and has been raspy/rattly ever since. DS has luckily never had more than a slight cough!

My sister was telling me about her SIL being 8 weeks pregnant but still going out at the weekend and getting "ratarsed" as she describes it. Unfortunately one of the surest signs of me being pregnant is my being unable to hold down so much as half a glass of wine!!

mrsboogie · 01/04/2010 21:05

No its awful YANBU. Thing is, of course, if she wasn't willing to stop while pregnant she'll probably see no reason not to smoke around the baby (and if she smokes that much the new baby will be exposed to it all the time) which is probably as bad - it will certainly go on for longer.

There's a heavily pregnant woman at my work stands outside on the pavement huffing and puffing away, bold as brass. Looks dreadful.