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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry and upset about this?

42 replies

CheekyVimtoGal · 01/04/2010 19:13

Now I'm not usually a judgmental person specially on someone who i know.

Our friends sister is 20years old (i think, I'm not exact, she could be younger) she had a baby when she left school, he is now 2 and then she got pregnant to her partner (who to be honest is a bit of a drip)

Anyway she was talking to my DH on Facebook last week asking if he knew anyone who was 'selling cheap 50g bags of backy(tobacco)'
he said
'no but 25g bags of backy are cheap enough'
Thinking it was for her partner and she replied with
'a 25g bag of backy wont last me 2 days i need a 50g bag'

Bare in mind she was at the time 37 weeks pregnant
All the time on her Facebook status she is saying
'i have a lovely bottle of Lambrini in the fridge calling for me' [type]

I cannot say anything because its none of my business and i am no relation to her. But if she was my sister i would be livid that she is treating her body like that when she is late on in pregnancy or just pregnant.

I was talking to her the other week and was asking her how much does she think baby would weigh and she was saying about 7lb like her DS was.

Her Baby girl was born yesterday weighing 4lb 4oz.

Would this would be down to the amount of backy she smoked and wine she drank?

If it is am surprised baby isn't withdrawing from the tobacco!!
Its mad me quite and that someone would do this to their body.

AIBU to feel like this to someone who is no relation to me.

And should i just ignore it.

(abit of background - Her parents split up last year after 20+ years of marriage, her dad had someone else, her mother is now a complete different person, going out drinking and what not every night and this girl partner doesnt have a job and spends all the money they get on his car - i feel so sorry for her)

This is also posted in chat

OP posts:

sudoku · 01/04/2010 21:09

posieparker, why should I "just leave it"?!

You are being quite aggressive towards me (perhaps it's because you have 4DCs just like me...?)

As I said, I don't think smoking while pregnant is clever, ...but I am just trying to show OP that it is not a case of black/white! There could be other reasons for the low BW.

brassband · 01/04/2010 21:12

Justmytwopenceworth-but I see from your profile that both your DC suffer from numerous allergies and health issues and so may well have been 'chesty' anyway .I think you are being a bit hard on yourself.

Undercovamutha · 01/04/2010 21:18

I used to smoke, and gave up before TTC. I went on to conceive and had a m/c. As I left hospital after the m/c I walked past (through the smoke of) 3 heavily pregnant women smoking. It was like a kick in the teeth to me, rightly or wrongly, I thought I had sacrificed a lot re. diet, giving up smoking, drinking etc etc all for nothing IYSWIM, and these women were having a baby despite putting themselves first.

When I look back, this was a bit irrational, and I was very emotional. However, I have since had 2DCs and cannot understand how people can be so selfish as to carry on smoking and putting their needs first. I am by no means the most selfless mother in the world (not by a looooong shot), but I couldn't actively do something that I knew was damaging to my unborn child.

(Sorry to be so judgey - I just can't help my feelings on this one. Maybe another case of vigilante ex-smoker!!!!).

posieparker · 01/04/2010 21:19

You're right and their father has been away and for the last five nights aty least two children have been up with coughing, being sick or sore bottom and filled nappy(just the baby!!).

Sometimes MN beings out the arse in me, this is one of them!! I am buggering off.

MumInBeds · 01/04/2010 21:20

Studies are showing that it is even more complicated than first thought though, epigenetic research is showing that what we (men and women) do to our bodies (and minds) before any pregnancy has even occured has an effect on our children, grandchildren and possibly beyond.

When that becomes accepted general knowledge then were are we going to draw the line about how much we hold parents (and grandparents) responsible?

SalFresco · 01/04/2010 21:29

I gave up smoking when I was pregnant, and I loved smoking. I never tried to give up, or had any desire to do so. I smoked heavily and often chain smoked. SO I do know how hard it is, and therefore I give myself free rein to judge smoking in pregnancy. I also judge crappy excuses not to stop, with number one crappiest excuse being, "oh if I gave up, I'd be so stressed it would be worse for the baby than smoking!"

Fizzfiend · 01/04/2010 21:38

Thing is, you can say what you like and she's not going to change her habits. Wouldn't have dreamed of smoking during pg but did have the odd large glass of red.

MrsC2010 · 01/04/2010 21:43

I'm 23 wks (and being kicked as we speak) and have just had a teeny (I mean literally an eighth of a glass) of white wine...the first I've had all pregnancy. And I feel horribly guilty about it no matter how good it tasted. As such I certainly can't imagine drinking 'properly, or smoking for that matter. I have heard that the regs now are 1 or 2 units once or twice a week, everything in moderation I guess. I used to smoke up until about a year ago, but it was quite on and off. I didn't find giving up hard though this time round.

So OP, YANBU in my eyes. I am all for personal choice but when you choose to grow another human being you take responsibility for their health and future...how does this tally with personal choice when choosing something so harmful?

Now to tackle the cripplng junk food hankering I seem to be developing...

sudoku · 01/04/2010 21:56

SalFresco,

"I also judge crappy excuses not to stop, with number one crappiest excuse being, "oh if I gave up, I'd be so stressed it would be worse for the baby than smoking!" "

That's what my GP advised me at the time...

This thread is not about smoking in pregnancy..., it's abour the OP judging someone for what she thinks is the reason for LBW of baby!

Give the friend some support instead... and don't judge to soon....

Charlieknows · 02/04/2010 00:10

YANBU IMO. I have been a smoker since I was about 15/16. I'm one of THOSE smokers that actually enjoy smoking. Still do. However, when I discovered I was pregnant I gave up. BUT, I wouldn't and haven't added my two-pence-worth to anyone that hasn't followed my example. Reason - I still had the odd (and I do mean very odd) fag when I was pregnant. Every time it made me feel selfish, and no matter how much I enjoyed smoking I still felt guilty so I get where you're coming from. Alcohol just made me feel sick so I couldn't stomach that at all. My friends even bought me alcohol free red wine, but that didn't go down any better cue many fast-as-I-could-waddle trips to the toilet.

megapixels · 02/04/2010 00:19

YANBU to feel upset about this. That poor baby, such a start to life due to "mother's choice".

Having said that, my eldest was born full-term at 4lb 8oz. Completely unexplained. Have never smoked or drank in my life.

bexxaa · 02/04/2010 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Prinnie · 02/04/2010 00:41

The thing is with the alcohol is this (in my mind). Would you think to give your newborn even half a thimbleful of wine? No, probably not, and therefore to me it doesn't make a difference if the baby is in the world or still inside you, it shouldn't be exposed to alcohol molecules.

Condensedmilkaddict · 02/04/2010 01:01

If it upsets you so much then say something.

It irks me when people say 'oh it wasn't my place to say something' and then whinge and gossip about the person.

Just get the courage to bloody well say what you're thinking, and then you won't have all this angst.

BritFish · 02/04/2010 01:22

personally, i didnt drink during either of my pregnancies. a drop. but i did drink whilst breastfeeding.
i just didnt want to risk it, im actually jealous of those who have the ocassional glass of wine though.
thing is, i would have thought that the umbilical cord would be smart enough by now to just block bad stuff out.
come on evolution!

and smoking is just bleuuurrrgghhh anyway!

someone i used to work with had a child with FAS though, and to this day she complains to all and sundry that it was the gas and air at birth that did it.
not the bottle of wine every weekend then...

some people are just unlucky in that their drinking affects their child so much.

megapixels · 02/04/2010 12:53

To be fair to the OP what can you tell a person who smokes and drinks so much during pregnancy? It's like stating the bleeding obvious isn't it? It can't be that anyone doesn't know that it is harmful...

ericnorthmansmistress · 02/04/2010 15:09

Sudoku - no, I'm a smoker. I started again when DS was 3 months. I have no views about smoking per se, but I have a view on people who are too weak to stop while they are pregnant. It does such bad things to babies, and it is very common that babies who die of SIDS had smoking mothers.

Your GP is an idiot. You stop being physically addicted after about 3 days and if you don't want to smoke then the psychological addiction is nothing. Stopping smoking is very stressful and difficult, except when you are pregnant, because it's just what you should do.

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