...to find this parent DEEPLY irritating ?

[argeybargey]

• I am usually pretty tolerant so the fact that this is bothering me to the extent that i am posting it on here now is bothering me somewhat . Anway....

There is a parent and her child who i am beginning to be irritated by beyond belief. I cannot avoid them as they live locally, child goes to school with my child, and said mother is trying to force a friendship with my child. Said child is totally wrapped up in cotton wool, indulged,mollicoddled and never told off. consequently said child does exactly what it likes , including : pushing my child off play equipment when it thinks that no one is looking,trying to order my child to do things for it, snatching from my child, pushing in front of my child and generally having to have all attention on itself at all times. said child is 5 years old, not a pre schooler. said mother just stands by generally being inneffective and simpering 'don't do that love,'with no conviction whatsoever; said child of course just continues to do it. this happened again yesterday when said child started slapping it's mother IN THE FACE because it didn't want to go home from an activity , and yet again said mother just simperered and basically didn't do anything.
It wouldn't be so bad (ie - i could just avoid said parent & child, or at least try to) only this parent is trying to force a friendship between my child and hers. my child will play with anyone to be honest and isn't at all spitefull, not an angel of course , but definately not a spiteful child.whenever this other child plays with mine squabbling ensues as said child cannot share or 'play nicely' for any length of time. my child plays with other friends with no problems whatsover (bar the odd, usual one ,now and again)from either her or her friends.my child does stand up to this other child which is usually what sets the other child off. said parent has also started signing up her child for pretty much every activity that my child already does.so everywhere we go, they seem to be there....and this child is constantly trying to undermine my child...my child is fairly placid in comparison (not particularly competitive)and i worry that she will get squashed on and that it will affect her self esteem.)
sorry to rant but i am just so fed up of the situation. anybody got any ideas of how to cope with this situation ? i don't want to be nasty to anybody but i have to look out for my child.

YANBU to find this mother and her child irritating but YABU to refer to her child as it what's up with using the word he/she?

I thought that the OP was trying to avoid using a gender to make their situation less identifiable and then forgot at the end. Don't think anything offensive was meant.

ooh, ok , fair point - i hadn't meant it like that though , that was just my bad grammar.not intentional.

Thnkyou thesecondcoming - you are right , it's hard for me to sort through the anger that i think i am feeling (because of seeing my own child affected)and reacting inan appropriate, calm and non-specific/critical of child/parent way. that has really helped, thankyou

Probably to be none identifying / neutral although indicating gender still pretty safe!

If your dd looks a bit bewildered, intercede a bit, commiserate with her, "Never mind, dd, go and play over there with those toys" so she knows you've seen what the other child is up to and also signals to the other parent that she can either step up to the mark and effectively reprove her child or she can let it go, but the consequence is your dd has found something else/someone else to play with.

And you can always be too busy with family things after school or at weekends if she's pushing the playdate.

tippytumbles
I assumed OP doesn't want to specify the gender of the child, and he/she is a bit cumbersome.

Very tricky. Unless your DD really likes this child, and wants to spend time with him/her, despite the squabbles etc, then I think you need to continue to avoid and make vague excuses in the hope she'll pick up on it. if she pushes, you could say that the two of them don't get on all that well.

In situations you can't avoid, then I would step in to gently discipline her child when she has done something mean. For instance, say "please don't push, everyone will get a turn", or "DD was first". Your daughter needs to see you acting assertively and standing up for her.

If I saw another child slapping her mother, I would (and have) said something "Don't hit your mum, she's lovely"

Just avoid contact as much as possible. Don't ask her for playdates and say that you can't make it if she asks your child. Hopefully she will get the message. You can't blame her for trying if your DD is such a sweetie!

I don't mean type he/she all the time Jamie just he or she not more cumbersome than typing it is it?

The other child is 5 and might be a completely different beast by the end of the first year at school but no reason why your dd needs to be her particular friend if your she finds her behaviour distressing or bewildering.

Have been in exactly the same situation where a friendship was rather forced on us by the school by virtue of dcs being newbs, not having gone to the preschool, and the other parent was very keen, especially wanting I think from the heavy hints to be a source of free childcare in the holidays. But her dc is physically boisterous in and out of school and just too overwhelming for dc and tiring for me to be constantly vigilant with him.

i didn't mean 'it' as in 'IT' !!!!! that wasn't my intention at all. however i will change it to avoid any misunderstanding.

thanks jamieandhismagictorch,when children are playing around here i do generally do that, and don't mind at all if other parents do same with my child at their houses. just trickier on neutral territory as it down to parent to say something really and she doesn't. or if she does it doesn't seem to be said with any conviction. i do make sure that i gently step in and support my child and make it clear that she is supported when other child isn't being very nice. I just wish that child's parent would see and do more herself ! but i can't change other people i know : )

Well, I think you are doing as much as you can. Very frustrating, I know.

Does anyone else tentatively open these sorts of threads with a faint worry that the OP might be talking about them?

Had a similar situation with my ds. Mother was very forceful and would just 'pop' in for a coffee with her ds in tow.

Had to say to her in the end, that it was obvious that ds's did not get on and i thought any future contact was a bad idea.

LOL bump (yes!)

Bumperlicious No, because I am perfect, obviously

why don't you tell the woman the truth ? no you don't want to have coffee becasue the children don't play nicely / she never tells them off and her dd is undermining yours.
Grow some bollocks and politely tell her than you don't want to socialise.

• ok, not that easy. can't say too much on here in case i am unmasked but i don't ask her in for coffee , or agree to meet for one or arrange playdates. basically our domestic arrangements are such that we constantly run into mother & child and said child is constantly knocking on the door wanting to play. further complicated by fact that we are friends with said child's extended family. my child is 5 years old, not particularly competitive or discerning - she is happy to play with anybody , so is usually wanting to go and play. then all of the unpleasantness kicks off. it is going to make things extremely awkward if i say anything to parent but i am on brink of saying something as i have had enough.

If your child is 5 now, I would say (from experience) that probably in another year or two your own dd will become more "discerning" in terms of who she want to play with.

We had a slighly similar situation, only worse as I was originally friend's with the mother. The other child was/is quite a bully. This was ok-ish when they were 2 years old and perhaps didn't know better, but it got worse over the years as these things often do. Then we had the ineffective discipline/ignoring of the behaviour whilst my own dc was hurt.

Up to about the age of 5/6, dd kind of accepted that she had to play with the other child. Now I have let the friendship quietly slide, and dd doesn't really mention the other child. She has made other friends, that are more able to share/play nicely and not hit her just because she can "get away with it" which is how the other child behaved.

I found it all very

YANBU - she's raising an arsehole.

Hey Op I wouldn't worry about being id'ed that mother would never ever know you were talking about her!

Thanks onepieceoflollipop - I can totally identify with that.And ,yes, it does make me feel really - which of course it would

I had wondered if things may change in a year or two as dc got older and made other friendship choices...and in meantime i am not encouraging anything (but i havn't been doing anyway , which is why i am so frustrated about the situation). i think that i may have a word with my child's teachers as they shuffle the classes around next year and i really dread these two ending up in the same class as i think that it would have a negative effect on my daughter. Is ths a reasonable thing to do though or will teachers just think that i am being neurotic ??

It is almost as if this other child wants to squash my child down all the time yet still wants to 'play' with her (probably so that they can carry on treating my child as in this way - does it make this child feel better or something , to feel that they have put someone else down ?? or isn't it that deep?? what is so strange is that both of the parents come across as very mild mannered although the mother concerned was herself bullied at school and said to me that she was 'glad that her child could stand up for (it)self '!!! - all i am seeing is bullying that is never ever challenged)(and i say '(it)self to be gender non specific not to call said child 'IT' , just to make that clear)

Also, my child doesn't do heaps of activities out of school. Dc does one, that Dc particularly likes, and we have trips out (park, library, swimming etc).The one activity that Dc does (and loves) this other child has now joined. said child is constantly hanging onto my dc and trying to distract my dc (my dc has told me this and i know that she was simply telling it like it is. i know because i have seen this pattern with other child before, and as an ongoing pattern of behaviour).Also , i don't know if it is just sod's law, but lately everywhere else that we go said mother and child seem to be there - and usually try to hijack our day out by wanting to join us or asking my dc to come and play with theirs. also said mother is a total helicopter parent and hijacks our dc unasked and starts doing circle time and god knows what else to pull our dc into a play situation with hers. it is truly irritating. i have also noticed that at social gatherings she never EVER just lets children play in groups independantly , she always has to co ordinate their games and instigate sing songs or read stories .you can see the children not wanting adults involved but she does it anyway. she works with children by the way .

Oh, and said mother thinks that the sun shines out of said child's every orrifice, which , given that said child is being so horrid to my dc , i am finding DEEPLY IRRITATING - hence the original post. Oh , also said parent (and extended family) keep asking to take my dc on expensive trips out with other child and keep asking me in front of my child who , being five, probably hears the trip bit before considering the company that she will be keeping if she goes on it , and i, in saying no, become the devil incarnate to my dc as i have effectively come between her and her trip out (usually to somewhere that i do not particularly want her to go). i am then left to deal with the occasional melt down from my dc because she hasn't been able to go. the reason that i don't want my dc to go is because when i am not there other child is allowed to get away with murder and is a little you know what to my daughter and it goes totally unchallenged. I don't want my dc around a situation where it becomes 'ok' for her to be constantly put down and then she thinks that that is normal. if i am not there nothing is challenged and i know this for a fact.I am so angry at them for then creating conflict between my dc and i - as she is usually a lovely girl, mature for five, and we get on really well.so if anyone has any tips on how to deal with that one too then i would really appreciate it...

and yes i know that this has been a long post and a borderline rant. sorry (blush)

I think you need to chill out a bit (sorry), ignore the issue and you might find it goes away ...

i think that you are right that generally speaking i need to chill out lol : ) - but it is really getting on my 'nerves' (so to speak).

tried ignoring situation. it didn't go away. the situation that is , NOT the child - which i WASN'T calling 'IT' , just to make that clear : )