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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this

46 replies

BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:16

DD is 18 months. From the moment of finding out I was pregnant I had a strong inclination to have her at home in a non-medicalised environment. I was lucky in that my pregnancy progressed trouble free and I could go on to do this. It was a very much thought about and researched decision.

In the end it was a gruelling but fantastic experience for DP and me. More for me may I add?!

When I rang my mum (who is of the 'do what the doctors tell you without asking any questions' and 'you must give birth in hospital' brigade) 5 mins after DD being born she exclaimed

'I had you both in the morgue'.

That is that because I hadn't responded to her many texts while I was in full on labour (it was a 22 hour labour) and because I'd risked baby's life by doing such a stupid thing she'd presumed we must both be dead

I forgot about it and over time allowed myself to believe that maybe she was proud of her daughter for having a positive drug-free birth experience but recently on a trip back home she made it abundantly clear that she still thinks I was mad and still thinks I put DD's life at risk.

It hurts.

Am I being unreasonable to think this was a horrible comment?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 31/03/2010 23:20

YANBU

however, if she knew you were in labour, but had no response from you for 22 hours, she might well have thought things had goen badly so it was relief tinged hysterical reponse.. but still hurtful

don't allow her to have this emotional hold over your birth experience..

JustAnotherManicMummy · 31/03/2010 23:20

She is ignorant. Ignore her.

btw I had a hb too. My DM had similar attitudes at the time... now though the way she goes on you'd think not only was a hb her idea but she'd been the one who gave birth to DS

It's been 18 months. You are happy with your choice, your DP and DD are happy. It is your mother's job to accuse you from time to time of "having funny ideas". Don't rise to her.

LynetteScavo · 31/03/2010 23:21

Hmmm.... it was a horrible comment, but it is very worrying to have a close relative in labour for a long time an net hear anything.

my SIL was out of contact for 3 days when in labour...she had planned a home birth, then ended up with a hospital birth. DM, in her head had the baby dead , and DB and SIL divorced due to the stress of losing the baby during child birth. I'm pretty sure she didn't actually say anything to that effect, though.

Well done on the home birth, BTW.

winnybella · 31/03/2010 23:22

She's just being a mother. Of course she knows better than you how you should give birth to your own child.
Don't be hurt.

paisleyleaf · 31/03/2010 23:23

I guess she must have felt pretty helpless and out of the loop with not hearing anything from your DP for so long. That she won't know how safe you and baby actually were.

winnybella · 31/03/2010 23:24

And she was probably very worried about not hearing from you during labour.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:24

No no no sorry Lulu I was keeping her up to date regularly up until things got serious.

It was from about 7pm until DD was born at 00.14 that she didn't hear from us.

I have no negativity at all towards my birth experience, would do it again if I had another ds.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I guess I thought that me becoming a mum would bring us closer. My bad!

OP posts:
cory · 31/03/2010 23:26

You are absolutely NBU to expect her to keep any hurtful comments to herself- she has absolutely no reason to saddle you with her prejudices. Tell her firmly that you don't want to hear this again.

Otoh I don't see any particular reason why she should be proud of you for having a drug-free birth; like me you were lucky enough to have a relatively short and not too horrendously painful labour; can't say I count that as an achievement or something to be proud of; I didn't deliberately do anything better or cleverer than my friend who was in labour for 3 days.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:27

Is 5 hours really that long when you're trying to push a human out your fadge??

DP was concentrating on me and my needs rather than texting my mum. I kept demanding pink drink and a hand to squeeze!

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 31/03/2010 23:28

Ah, I'd thought it was 22 hours of no contact.
Still, it sounds like she was genuinely worried about you and baby - in a not understanding sort of way.

CheekyVimtoGal · 31/03/2010 23:29

No you ANBU, i think i would feel the same.

When my mum came to the hospital to see my youngest she said 'oh isnt he ugly? Hes got a proper old fashioned face'

That upset me and still does to the day.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:29

I know I as lucky cory and fwiw it was horrendously painful

I'm not asking for a medal.

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:30

EEEEK CheekyVimtoGal

That's terrible

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 31/03/2010 23:35

5 hour is a long time when you are waiting for news of your daughter/grandchild...

unless she makes a habit of thoughtless comments, i would really let it go.. if she says it again in reference to your brth, you can say taht you were hurt by that, but it was yourbirth and your expereince, and she should not taint it

wannaBe · 31/03/2010 23:35

"I forgot about it and over time allowed myself to believe that maybe she was proud of her daughter for having a positive drug-free birth experience" a lot of people just don't have any thoughts on how other people have given birth though. Maybe at the time, but after the event the birth is generally only something that the woman going through it thinks about.

You are IMO reading too much into this one comment, perhaps based on the relationship you have with your mother, but perhaps she was worried about you when you weren't in touch.

I had a friend who went in to have twins and we all expected to hear within hours because she was having a csection. When we didn't hear for days I just assumed that they were busy (twins and all), eventually after about five days my dh text hers and it turned out one of the babies was stillborn. since then I've been paranoid about not hearing from people I've been expecting to hear from iyswim.

CheekyVimtoGal · 31/03/2010 23:35

I have said what she said upset me and she seemed to look really upset that she had said something that upset me. Just explain to your mum how you feel about her comment.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:39

Oh god Wannabe that's awful

Ladies I know I'm fixating too much on a comment when in reality my issue is the larger one of my relationship with my mother.

She adores DD and is a fab Granny so I need to just reconcile what's gone on and get over it.

Thanks everyone for your insight.

OP posts:
carocaro · 31/03/2010 23:50

Vile comment however you had the baby eg: home or hospital, perhaps she was hurt you left her out of it for so long, people are funny and if you have an odd relationship anyway perhaps it was par for the course.

Give it time, it may bring you closer together, let her in a bit.

stanausauruswrecks · 31/03/2010 23:58

Is your mum Irish by any chance? My mum is, andI've heard the "I thought you were dead/in the morgue" more times that I care to remember. It may well be that it's a common colloquialism (sp). IME it's a generational thing as well - my mum was convinced that BLW would result in certain death, and everytime I fed DD in front of her she was pretty much on stand-by to do the Heimlich manoeuvre in the event that she choked (which she didn't).

scottishmummy · 01/04/2010 00:09

scottish mamies are prone to such hyperbole.

"thought ye were deid" when you dont call for 3 days

celtic high expressed emotion

TheCatAteMyGymsuit · 01/04/2010 00:29

Aw, you could have let her know though eh? Or perhaps dp could have? I am a 2nd generation neurotic (half) Jewish mother who worries like hell about this sort of thing, I think people are either dead or ignoring me if they don't call for 3 days!
For I example didn't go to sleep all night when waiting for news of my sister's baby (had a baby of my own at the time so was shattered), but I just wanted to know any kind of news.
And when my best friend had a c-section I was on tenterhooks for news, knew it had been too long, and her poor husband did bother to text let me know she was in intensive care (survived thank god)having nearly died. Am rambling but what I'm trying to say is that she was in the worst situation imaginable (coma, blood loss, yada yada)and still her dh let her friends know because he knew how worried we would be. It kind of swings both ways - people want to know cos they care.
.
And finally when I had my dd, I texted everyone myself, from the recovery room, apres crash section, with a photo and message just to let them know that it was all good. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that of course well done for the birth etc, but it's nice to thank of others took even during such a time?

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 01/04/2010 09:51

Yep stanausauruswrecks she is Irish!

I don't agree with the idea that you have to keep people informed right the way through such an important event.

The last period of my labour was intense and bloody hard work.

DP and I were completely focused on working with my midwives to bring our baby into the world safely. I had gone into 'mooing' mode and was thinking only about the pain and getting through it.

Texting or ringing family members paled into insignificance.

Also TheCatAteMyGymsuit when my family members and close friends have been in labour I have never felt entitled to phone calls etc. I've assumed they're pretty busy with the job in hand and have better things to be doing. With all due respect it's not about you and how much you care. It's about the person having the baby and what they need to do to get through it.

My mum was the first person I rang literally a few minutes after dd was born and I was absolutely ecstatic and elated. To hear her first words be 'I had you both in the morgue' just felt like a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
skihorse · 01/04/2010 10:01

YANBU to be hurt - it's your right to be hurt about about whatever hurts you! Let's not even get started on the gumph that you "must" be in hospital!

However, I sense there are underlying issues as to why you didn't contact her within those 22 hours... I don't believe your life was at risk to such an extent that you, your partner, or the midwife's helper couldn't have banged out "not yet".

Greensleeves · 01/04/2010 10:02

I think it was incredibly insensitive and very hurtful of her to keep bringing it up

BUT why do we have to have this birth-upmanship? Why on earth should anyone be PROUD of you for having a positive "drug-free" birth? Presumably my mother should hang her head in shame at having produced a daughter who had horrific traumatic births. Think yourself bloody lucky nothing went wrong for you.

skihorse · 01/04/2010 10:03

I do agree though that it's absolutely 100% your time, I can only suggest that if you have another child you don't tell her you're going in to labour... you simply present her with a grandchild!