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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by this

46 replies

BunnyLebowski · 31/03/2010 23:16

DD is 18 months. From the moment of finding out I was pregnant I had a strong inclination to have her at home in a non-medicalised environment. I was lucky in that my pregnancy progressed trouble free and I could go on to do this. It was a very much thought about and researched decision.

In the end it was a gruelling but fantastic experience for DP and me. More for me may I add?!

When I rang my mum (who is of the 'do what the doctors tell you without asking any questions' and 'you must give birth in hospital' brigade) 5 mins after DD being born she exclaimed

'I had you both in the morgue'.

That is that because I hadn't responded to her many texts while I was in full on labour (it was a 22 hour labour) and because I'd risked baby's life by doing such a stupid thing she'd presumed we must both be dead

I forgot about it and over time allowed myself to believe that maybe she was proud of her daughter for having a positive drug-free birth experience but recently on a trip back home she made it abundantly clear that she still thinks I was mad and still thinks I put DD's life at risk.

It hurts.

Am I being unreasonable to think this was a horrible comment?

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 01/04/2010 10:08

YANBU

It is the kind of thoughtless, moment destroying, comment that my mum regularly comes out with. I used to give her the benefit of doubt but over the years it has gradually dawned on me that it is all quite intentional.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 01/04/2010 10:08

skihorse As I've already clarified it wasn't 22 hours. I'd ben keeping her updated on the phone and by text right up until the last stage of my labour. So she didn't hear from us for about 4-4 and a half hours.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 01/04/2010 10:09

my mum visited me within hours and tried to rename DC, when I told her name she humphed and said "well call him XXX instead" err no we fucking wont

so, Mums can have NO TACT, agreee dont let her ruin birth experience, I also though it would bring us closer together, au contraire

But agree she was probably worried out of her mind, remeber she loves you as much as you love your DC!

EarthMotherImNot · 01/04/2010 10:13

As the mother of 2 DD's both adults now and I know if either of them were in labour and didn't let me know how they were doing I would worry myself into a frenzy.

In fact I'd probably ring a cab and arrive on their doorstep!

Imagine your child, in years to come, ignoring your ever more frantic texts.

It would have taken a few seconds for you or your Dh to reassure her.

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 10:13

YANBU. Your mum sounds like mine. It's all about her even when you're in labour FFS.

After my fantastic first home birth, as it was so simple and straightforward, I invited my mum to be around for the second birth. It sounds stupid now but I did it for her because I thought it would be very special and bonding etc.

Actually while I was in labour she was so selfish and negative it really slowed things down. In the end I had to get DH to send her away and take dd1 with her so I could properly get on with it. When she had gone, labour started properly.

I called her next morning after what turned out to be a really long, tough labour, and she was grumpy and moaning about how hard it would be for her to get to me (a mile and a half from my brother's) because the taxi driver might not like her dog.

My mum is shockingly selfish. This incident really brought it home and something happened in our relationship. It was very hurtful and it still is.

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 10:15

EarthmotherImNot you need to realise that there are times when your dd has to come first no matter how worried you are and giving birth and being in labour is most definitely one of those times.

Your fretting, hard though it may be, has to come second.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 01/04/2010 10:16

Thanks Spidermama

I'm at your mum's behaviour.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 01/04/2010 10:18

Spidermama - are related? My birthing experiences were all about my mum too.

I thought having DCs would bring us closer but actually it highlighted just how selfish my mum can be.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 01/04/2010 10:18

YANB at all U to be hurt, but to be honest I would try and let it go, and focus on the good points of your relationship with your mum.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 01/04/2010 10:20

I'm trying boiledegg. Determined to get past it

For all her faults I am a stubborn, opinionated madam sometimes so it does go both ways.

OP posts:

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 10:22

Crackedfox it's tough isn't it? My mum has never really been the mum type. She's very selfish and always has been. Nothing I go through could ever be worthy of her sympathy as she has inevitably been through so much worse.

After ds1 was born, it was a tough birth and I was in dire need of help. Instead she concentrated on her cold and how ill she reckoned she was and how annoying that people weren't offering to walk her filthy, badly behaved dog for her.

It was this that led me onto the Stately Homes threads in their early days. I can suggest the book Toxic Parents which helped me understand her a bit more and make the necessary adjustments to my expectations about our relationship.

SloanyPony · 01/04/2010 10:23

Two things spring to mind. My mother thought exactly the same after not receiving any replies to texts, and also had us both in the morgue, so to speak, except we were in hospital in a highly medicalised environment. So I think its just a mother's job to think the worst regardless of where or how, until she hears otherwise. She might well have thought the same if you were in a hospital.

Secondly, I think we all have a tendency to think, where's my medal then? But it never really comes. You can breastfeed until your left nipple falls off, shrug and use the other one, and still you will get no medal. You can have an exhilrating drug free home birth but same applies...you did it for you and your daughter. One day when your daughter is old enough and gives birth, regardless of how she gives birth, I dare say she will be truly in awe of you.

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 10:25

Actually I wouldn't let it go. I would confront her about it and let her know you were hurt by this comment bunny.

Perhaps she'll examine her behaviour and be less selfish next time if you are lucky.

Congratulations on your drug-free birth. It's a great feeling and I can completely understand the sense of achievement.It's an amazing experience.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 01/04/2010 10:25

Thank you Sloany

I think I'm actually at that nipple falling off stage

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 01/04/2010 10:27

I had a 2 highly medicalised births but think it is lovely if someone gets the birth they wanted. Yes, there is no medal but why can't we be proud of ourselves?

My Mum is incredibly selfish but it is only since having DCs that I have no time for it. Seriously, when she visits it is like having another child in the house.

And Breath.....

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 10:30

Same here crackedfox. My mum won't help at all. She just wants to talk at me while I cook and do laundry. Like you say it has always been the case but has come into sharp focus since having kids of my own.

megapixels · 01/04/2010 10:33

YANBU. Also it's a bit silly of her to expect you to be texting when you're in labour. If I didn't hear from someone who was due to give birth any minute after texting a few times I'd try and find out from someone else close to her.

thesecondcoming · 01/04/2010 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 01/04/2010 11:41

bl i had you in morgue is mammy speak for i was worried to death.yes,they sometimes use hyperbole and over statement.but you are being bitty touchy too

pippop1 · 01/04/2010 12:28

I agree scottish mummy. I think that five hours was very long for her and if I was her I would have been frantic. A oneline text after, say two or three hours saying "All is well but just very slow" from your DH would have been a nice thought. Just forget it and move on. Neither of you (just like the rest of us) are perfect!

ooojimaflip · 01/04/2010 12:37

The mistake was tellinh her you had gone into labour. Wait til after, then they won't have however many hours of anxiety.

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