A few hours ago I left a Sure Start play group in tears. I?ve been on/off weepy for 24 hours, after some difficult news yesterday about problems with my rheumatoid arthritis.
Usually I cope with this kind of thing well, it?s a chronic disease, I?ve plenty of practice and a bit of quiet upset is part of normal adjustment. But I?m now flaming, hopping, spitting annoyed with playgroup staff who I feel pushed me over an edge I was carefully avoiding. How much is them, how much me in people?s opinions?
So, sad news at hospital yesterday, three hours sleep only, lots of rheumatoid activity, having some trouble moving but knew I needed to get out with ds2 or I?d be more depressed. We went to the weekly Sure Start group at the end of my road. I?ve not been before, newish location.
Was pleased to catch up with a couple of local mums friends who pitched up. I literally can?t get out as much as we?d like, so this was a bonus. Also, the wonderful large space, new kit, good toys. Pretty formally laid out, rules about how to have snack time, parent?s and children badged up, told it was a language session, focussing on talking to our children. Three staff in for the maximum allowed 20 children in the group. I trailed around after ds2 with an adult sized chair I found in the corner of the room, the only one there. I can?t do getting onto and off of the floor, beanbags or children?s chairs. While hauling a small bottle of diet coke from pocket at intervals in vain hope of caffeine jolt to push through the day.
Having just pulled up to a busy table and joined in, playworker A comes over and says:
?I notice you?re moving the large chair around, I know some people can?t manage the children?s chairs. Can you? We don't allow big chairs, you have to be at the children's level?
I managed a ?No, I have quite a serious problem? to which he said ?Oh dear, what?s the matter?? and I said I can?t go into it. He said that it was OK then, but actually sucked his teeth and exhaled heavily at me and without drawing breath told me to put my drink away ? and this bit came out sounding like he was regurgitating the rule book at me and put my 42 year, sensible woman back up ? that the rule was to only encourage healthy eating and drinking and it gave the wrong impression. Fair do?s thought I, your turf, your call, ?do you have a beaker to decant it into, I?m trying to use the caffeine to stay awake?? to which I get ?Well, what is wrong with you??
Social embarrassment kicks in here, as everyone listened in. I think he carried on talking, but I was now breathing down the tears and held up a hand to stop him, gave ds2 a smile and managed to say ?Let?s go to the loo, ds2?. Managed a reasonably low key exit, but when I left the loo he was there with the manager, blocking the only exit. They were both so nice, anxiously asking if I was OK, but just wouldn?t get out of my way though I?d said I needed to go home and chill out. The manager was very sweet getting ds2 dressed and prammed up though she took for ever, kept trying to get me to talk about it, offering to walk me home, giving me her number and Oh god, I?ve just realised they have mine from sign in sheet, I hope they don?t call.
Oh this is vast. Sorry. I can?t unpick it. Am I oversensitive, are they just doing a job? Is their job to poke at me in this way, that?s how it felt? I?m most annoyed that I?ve been reduced to tears a) in front of ds2 and b) in public and c) had to leave something ds2 was really enjoying. When I am in fact coping pretty damn well. Or am I not coping, if I go over the edge like I?ve described? Obviously I?ve learnt that until I?ve processed this current health problem, I will only be attending/setting up playdates and playgroups I know are much more free range.