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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in assuming that DH has been unfaithful?

27 replies

everybodylovesflumps · 28/03/2010 19:30

Ok, so I posted on the health topic yesterday but got no response so thought I'd go for a wider audience...
Got a horrendous bout of herpes a few weeks ago. Was really shocked when the doctor confirmed what it was. I've always been faithful to my husband and we've been together for over 10 years. I know chylamidia (sp?) can stay dormant in the body for ages, but nothing i've read on herpes suggests the same. Can I assume he's cheated on me at some point?

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 28/03/2010 19:43

I though herpes could lie dormant.

Also, am sure oral herpes can be passed to genitals.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 28/03/2010 19:44

"It is possible that a person becomes aware of the ?first episode? years after the infection is acquired."

Just googled it and got that from an american site. Did the doctor not go through these issues with you or explain any of the transmission issues etc? How awful for you not only to have this flare up but also the worry re your husband - I'm sure the dr could have explained things?

DrivenToDistraction · 28/03/2010 19:46

Yes, herpes does lie dormant. He may have contracted it long before he met you. YOU may have had it before you met him, if it was mild you might not even have noticed...

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 28/03/2010 19:51

No, you can't. You or he could have had it for years.

however, first breakout is most painful, after that they get less painful. So either you've been recently infected or you were exposed years ago and it just never gave you the blisters until now.

It does say that the first outbreak (if you are going to have one!) normally happens 2 - 4 weeks after infection.

So short answer is - it's impossible to tell whether your husband has been unfaithful or not.

Tell him you have herpes and watch his reaction.

info here

StainlessSteelCat · 28/03/2010 19:55

Herpes can even be passed on when there are no symptoms, the first sign of ulcers can be years after infection and some people never get any ulcers at all. It does lie dormant after you are infected until a flare up is triggered.

So, don't assume that your husband cheated and passed it on to you - I hope you can sort this out because it must be horribly worrying.

damnedchilblains · 28/03/2010 20:12

I can say I completely understand where you are coming from with regards to this. YANBU however you cannot assume for sure that he has been cheating on you. As others have said it can lie dormant for years, (although ten years is an awful long time). You have to speak to him about it. When you're calm! Nobody could blame you for having doubts, but they may be wrong.

I'd also make him have a thorough check up, he may have it.

damnedchilblains · 28/03/2010 20:13

I do hope everything works out innocently for you op.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 20:30

I got herpes about a year after being with DH. Turns out he gets cold sores and passed it to me through oral sex it was type one (facial type, usually) so I'm 100% sure that's where it came from.

Unless he has also recently contracted it, which you might never know (many people get no symptoms) then he's probably had it for a long time and it only just popped up. Herpes makes a home in your nerve somethings either at the base of your spine or the back of the neck, and occasionally the virus travels out to the surface (face or genitals) but doesn't always cause a blister. I get breakouts about once every 4-6 months these days and it gets less frequent the longer you have it. I have only seen DH with one cold sore in the 5 years I have been with him, so I could have escaped it much longer in theory, but it wouldn't have meant he cheated.

Original poster
everybodylovesflumps · 28/03/2010 20:40

Oh ok, thanks for that. DH does get cold sores very occasionally but doctor told me that if you had one type of herpes strain, you couldn't get the other, only be a carrier for it. Is this wrong then?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 20:42

You can only get one type in one place, so you could have type one on the face and type two on the genitals, but not both on the face. What type do you have? DH could still have type two on his genitals, or have passed his type one to yours.

Original poster
everybodylovesflumps · 28/03/2010 20:47

Ah I see. I clearly need to read up a bit more on it. I don't know what type I have. We were on holiday so I saw a doctor at a health centre with English speaking doctors. Wonder if I should see my own doctor and let them know?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 20:50

they can only test it if you have a blister though. There is no way to screen for herpes apart from that.

Is it quite small and not too painful? Or massive and awful? Type two is the awful type.

What does DH say about it by the way?

Haggisfish · 28/03/2010 20:53

I would definitely go to your own doctor, or the STD clinic - they are exceptionally professional and good in my experience, and can often get results to you quicker than doc.

lou031205 · 28/03/2010 20:55

Has it occurred to you that your DH might assume that you have been unfaithful to him? I think that unless you have very good grounds for suspicion, or past form, it is very hurtful for your DH to be mistrusted so quickly

I hope you resolve it quickly and painlessly.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 20:57

I didn't want to point that out.........

SkipHopJump · 28/03/2010 21:02

You could have got it years ago and the symptoms can sometimes not show until later.
Look at www.herpes.org.uk/faq.html

I just copied a bit-

'8 - How long after contact with a person with herpes simplex will it take, before I get symptoms?
It usually takes between two and seven days after contact for the first symptoms to appear, with 4 to 5 days being the most common incubation period. Some people never catch it. Others catch it but show no symptoms. Occasionally it can appear for the first time years after you could have caught it.

13 - How can I have caught it if my partner hasn?t got it?
Three quarters of the people with herpes simplex have it so mildly they do not realise they have it. So they may have sex when the virus is active. Mild symptoms can be a pimple, a little cut or an itchy bit of skin. When people with these mild symptoms learn to recognise them, then they can avoid sex at these times. '

fanjolina · 28/03/2010 21:03

I think your DH can be tested for it through a blood test. It is very likely that he is clear though and only you have it.

SkipHopJump · 28/03/2010 21:04

Also- type 2 isn't necessarily always more painful
And if you have one type you can get the other- and they can be in the same place, although you would never know that as there
wouldn't be a difference.

Don't worry OP, but get yourself to a clinic

Original poster
everybodylovesflumps · 28/03/2010 21:05

Kat - it was very painful! Could hardly walk during the worst of it.
Lou - yeah I see your point. DH was a bit of a shit when we first got together. Played me and another girl off against one another for a while. Finally decided I was the one. He is very highly sexed and I'm not. He'd like sex much more often. Also has plenty of opportunities, business travel abroad, etc. Don't 100% trust him but we have a great relationship. Am more freaked out about having herpes at the moment than whether he's been unfaithful to be honest.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 21:05

you can only be tested for anti-bodies, not for the virus, and the anti-bodies only show up up to a year after first infection.

SkipHopJump · 28/03/2010 21:09

OP- I'm very sorry you have herpes. The shock wears off after a while.
Hopefully you won't get any outbreaks after the first.

I used to get them every fortnight! But the last time I had an OB was at Christmas. Poor you

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 21:11

Skiphopjump - that's not what the GUM clinic said, but they could be wrong.

Original poster
everybodylovesflumps · 28/03/2010 21:11

Thanks everyone. Got to go now and put baby to bed..............

OP posts:
SkipHopJump · 28/03/2010 21:14

Kat- I only know what the GUM clinic have told me too! But I could well be wrong as sometimes I find doctors talk shite on this topic. When I found out I had HSV1 the doctor said 'people with herpes can also live almost normal lives'

No, you silly mare, we live normal lives- it's only a sodding cold sore! Just, erm, elsewhere!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 21:18

what a bloody stupid comment!

I feel sorry for my friends who have it who are single. No matter how much you repeat '75% of people in the UK carry the herpes virus' people still freak out. A good friend told the guy she was seeing after they had spent their first wonderful weekend together, after much chatting and flirting, and he freaked out. But not in front of her, waited til he left then sent her a message on facebook

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