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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want MIL to back off, butt out and stop trying to control us?!

46 replies

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 10:50

I'm sure there are plenty of MN rants about mil's but I really wanted to get this off my chest as I am LIVID about the way mine behaves, her attitude...everything in fact!!!

DH and I got married last year and before then she was ok, quite nice in fact. During the wedding planning she started playing up , treating us like we were stupid children unable to cope doing anything without her sticking her oar in and making things more stressful than they needed to be. Since then she has been impossible! She rings DH and demands we go to see her when she says so/needs something done on his day off, sulks if we can't and is totally unreasonable when we do. She totally ruined our first Christmas after I had taken pity on her (after MUCH hinting from her about how she'd be all alone) by acting like a brat. We gave up our bed for her, spent a fortune on food and hours in the kitchen and all she did was sulk when we suggested playing games instead of watching telly, changed channels when we put something on cos she claimed she'd seen it (It was a brand new, Christmas special!) and moaned that it shouldn't be any different from her normal day!

Then in January, just after we'd found out I was pg and had had some pain I had to go to the EPU. DH had told her we MIGHT visit to help sort a problem she was having with the laptop I had given her (worth £600, given out of kindness as her PC packed up) but nothing was definite. We were at the EPU for a while, it's quite a long way from where we live, but I said after that we should pop down to MIL's and sort out her computer problem as she'd made it sound urgent, then we could grab a bite to eat at a resturant we had vouchers for (cos we're skint and I knew I'd be to tired to cook after all that) but when we got there she flew into a rage; how dare we show up so late etc etc. Anyway, we fixed the laptop...silly mare had forgotten how to turn it on!...and got another lecture on how her "condition" made it impossiple to remember anything complicated in the evening (it was 4.30 and all I said was "It's this button here, I'll put a sticker by it.") Then DH said that as she was tired we wouldn't stay and were going to have a meal and head off. Well she flew right off the handle then; how dare we show up late and just pop in like that! How come we're always saying we're skint but we are ALWAYS eating out?! (DH and I hadn't eaten out since our honeymoon 4 months before!!)How come DH wasn't spending as much time with her since we got married?! She went on and on for what felt like hours, I began to feel really ill and in the end DH and I just left.

Fact: Before DH and I were married he used to go down there once a month, pop in and say hi then go round his mates and only occasionally pop back for dinner. Her version is that he was there all day sitting in with her, doing errands for her etc!

Ever since then she has been the same, nothing we do is good enough for her. Last week we spent 5 hours sorting out her new computer (my laptop was too complicated so she spent £500 on this flat touch screen thing that she has no idea how to use) but wasn't greatful and huffed when we needed to pop out to buy something we couldn't get where we live. Then, having invited us for dinner she only cooked for herself and acted like our being there was putting her out.

And the latest is that she has demanded our presence this week to see her number 1 son, DH's younger step-brother, as he is back from abroad for a couple of months. We can't go cos I have a stupid appointment at the jobcentre all afternoon so she is refusing to let us have the vouchers DH's Auntie collected for us from her local paper cos she (Auntie) thought we could do with a cheap holiday. I pointed out to DH that if "Golden boy" wanted to see us he could either come to us OR be flexiable about when, he is home for months NOT days ffs!

I am sick to the back teeth of this woman...even talking about her makes me stressed now! I have tried to be nice, I have put up with a lot (especially her ruining Christmas, a time of year that depresses me anyway.) and I am sick of being treated like DH (42) and I (33) are incapable of running our own lives!

Ok, rant over. AIBU?!

OP posts:

DinahRod · 27/03/2010 11:02

No, YANBU. Do you have a tantruming toddler for a MIL? Would be very tempted to treat her like one and leave her to it if she lost her temper or tell her, "No, you're quite welcome" when she's ungrateful. Can only imagine her being a lot worse when first gc arrives. What's dh doing about it?

pippop1 · 27/03/2010 11:02

Has she got dementia? What do you mean about her "condition" which makes it impossible for her to remember anything in the evening? This maybe why her versions of events are so strange. If this is the cause then I don't envy you.

Condensedmilkaddict · 27/03/2010 11:05

YANBU
She sounds like she needs a hobby/friend.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/03/2010 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DemonChild · 27/03/2010 11:09

Are you my SIL? Because she sounds exactly like my MIL.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, as my MIL is currently not talking to us (makes life alot easier!) Maybe you could wangle that?!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/03/2010 11:11

Holy crap you're going to have some fun once your baby arrives. Put your foot down NOW.

DinahRod · 27/03/2010 11:14

Actually, Pippop has a good point, could it be dementia? Dh's grandmother became increasingly rude and difficult, only years later the doctors said it was due to a combination of senile dementia and a series of mini-strokes.

canucktraveler · 27/03/2010 11:14

Eeek, she sounds painful! I can't stand my MIL either, thank goodness she lives in Australia and I do not have to put up with her very often. It is bad enough when we have to go visit or she comes here, next time they come I am planning a holiday. Poor you!

Original poster

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 11:28

DinahRod - it's not her first gc, she has 3 others but see's none of them. 2 out of 4 of her children want nothing to do with her, probably cos she lacks the capability to give love, she just demands it. Also, her 2nd hubby mad sexual advances to her daughter and she took his word over that of her child.

pippop1 - as far as DH and I know all she has is arthritis. Not sure how this affects her brain though

Condensedmilkaddict - feel free to try and suggest that. DH and I have tried but she claims she did all that when she was younger and should have to do it again now. She expects friends and relationships to come to her!

LadyintheRadiator - Yes he does but he is so laid back it's hard to get him to express it. I also think he's had to put up with her self pity act for so long that he's actually started to believe it and it's blanked out the lack of love/warmth coming from her.

DemonChild - How did you manage that?! Sounds like bliss

JamesAndTheGiantBanana - Tell me about it! I'm all for moving and not telling her where!!!

OP posts:

DinahRod · 27/03/2010 11:33

Agree a policy with dh that as soon as she is rude/loses her temper you leave, even if it's the very first words she says when she opens the door. The fact that her other children don't see her speaks volumes.

Original poster

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 11:36

Bad spelling..."mad" should read "made", "should have to" should read "should not have to"

OP posts:

SPBInDisguise · 27/03/2010 11:43

i agree she may have some form of dementia
Not that that makes it easier on you - sympathy

LadyintheRadiator · 27/03/2010 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinnitus · 27/03/2010 11:48

Oh dear, sounds all to familiar.

DM was doing much the same to DB and SIL, and DP and me. eventually we realized she wanted to bully us all in to singledom so that she wouldn't be left alone. Now all contact has been cut off. Both DB and I stood up to her and she scurried of to hurl abuse via E-Mail. but at least the stress has stopped.
Have a word with DH, as unfair as this is, only he can sort it out.

SkipHopJump · 27/03/2010 11:50

Surely if she has arthritis she's in a lot of pain? Constant pain can cause confusion and panic and depression. It just sounds like she needs some support- although I can imagine this is very difficult for you.
My mother is ill and in pain and she constantly says everything is complicated and she can't remember- she is very very difficult but it's not because she's a 'silly mare', it's because she's ill and a bit sad Your DH needs to help.

coldtits · 27/03/2010 11:51

She sounds bonkers.

Unless you think she's a danger to herself, i suggest getting up and walking out when she's rude, explaining "I'm sorry you feel that way, we will come back when we are made more welcome"

thumbwitch · 27/03/2010 11:51

I must admit, I did also wonder whether she had some kind of illness going on that affected her mental capacity!

If not, she sounds dreadful - I hope that your DH can realise it and take charge of the situation before it becomes completely unbearable (quite likely to be around the time your baby arrives).

for you that you are having to put up with this at the moment - hope you don't have to put up with it for much longer.

Original poster

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 11:52

DinahRod - I think that will be our next option. I hate confrontation but I do have these wonderful daydreams of telling her where to go, especially as I am predicting her next plan of attack will be to claim she has rights to see our baby as and when she chooses cos she's offered to pay for the pram.
Of course whether she does actually pay for the pram is another matter as she has done this sort of thing before, offered us all sorts towards the wedding, offered to pay our train fare to go and see her etc and then denied the words even passed her lips when it comes down to it. Last time DH went there on his own (more computer issues!) she said she'd give him his train fare as he'd not been paid and when he got there she denied it and then gave him £1.50 to buy himself some chips as a consolation leaving DH £18.50 down on what he'd spent getting there and us short for our bills...and there wasn't even anything wrong with her stupid new computer!

OP posts:

coldtits · 27/03/2010 11:53

SkipHopJump, being in pain is not a reasonable excuse to treat people like shit, and what could her son do to help anyway?

SkipHopJump · 27/03/2010 11:55

Coldtits, I meant her son needs to take charge of the situation, not leave his wife to feel shit about it, should have been clearer.

Original poster

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 11:59

SkipHopJump - Her arthritis seems relatively mild as she is only on Co-Codamol. My own DM had severe arthritis for years and was on much stronger pain relief yet she did a computer/secretarial course and held 2 hectic jobs at once, one that involved being on her feet a lot. She died aged 62 from stomach and bowel cancer that went undiagnosed for years and one of the last things she said was to tell the Doc's that she had too much to do to be ill! I think she'd have rather shot herself than ever behave or treat anyone the way MIL does!!

OP posts:

wukter · 27/03/2010 12:10

Sounds like a nightmare.
As long as you are satisfied she is not ill, I think the naughty toddler treatment is the way to go.

Original poster

BranflakeGirl · 27/03/2010 12:25

Belive me, if she were REALLY ill (and I mean worse than a touch of arthritis treated with a fairly mild painkiller) then we'd know about it!!!!!!

OP posts:

Antioxidant · 27/03/2010 12:36

She sounds awful. Poor You. I am hoping that mumsnet bring out a mother in law book by the time I am one. Mine lived in America. Could you try that?

Dollytwat · 27/03/2010 12:36

My nan had dementia and it does sound very much like it, and actually once you know this it's very much easier to deal with as you have an explanation for the behaviour.

There are some simple tests doctors do you could try next time you see her, I'm sure they're on a web site somewhere (or someone on here may work in that field). They're questions about who is the current prime minister, what year are we living in, that sort of thing. My nan's answer to quite a few of those questions was 'potato'. Thing is we didn't realise how bad she was until she'd started going on walk about round town and offering school children money to take her out.

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